Petty Prayers You Might Need One Day
There are times when people make you so mad that you just want to wish bad things on them. But not really bad things like cancer because that would be evil and your name is not Voldemort. I’m talking about the petty things that will grind their gears and annoy them to no end.
You know the person who cuts you off in traffic and then laughs at you for it? Or anyone you encounter during a late night run to WalMart. Or the New Yorkers who refuse to give up their subway seats for pregnant women. Sometimes, you just want to pray to Jesus’ petty assistant archangel to bring some annoyances into their days.
May you get a papercut and not be able to find the exact location.
May your chicken be tender but flavorless.
May you go to your favorite restaurant and find out they only have kale salad left.
May you open a pack of Starbursts and see nothing but yellow starbursts left.
May your NetFlix stream stop and refuse to load right before the cliffhanger of your favorite TV show.
May you go get your brows done and they leave you looking like a chola. ^__^
Below are some of the ones suggested by my Awesomely Luvvie fan page
May you lose your keys in a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese’s.
May you spill red wine on your linen suit at the last all white party of the season. Nay. May you spill the red wine at the FIRST all white party so he ain’t got an #alphet for the others.
May you make a stack of pancakes and find out you ran out of syrup – TJ
May you wake up in the middle of the night having to pee, but be so half sleep that you don’t pull your draws all the way down, so you piss on your elastic band, startling yourself thus snapping the band back in such a way where your penis faces upward forcing your urine stream to hit him in the face. And a little lands in your mouth. And he’s diabetic. – DP
*Luvvie’s note: WELL DAMB!
May Wendy Williams make your biopic. – TL
May you be flicking thru channels and the remote batteries die on the Lifetime channel while the Aaliyah movie is playing. – TJ
May your barberbe slightly cross eyed and your edge up all the way effed up – JM
May your window get stuck when someone silent farts in the car and then you cough. – SW
May you lose a tooth in public like Momma Dee – AA
May your shoes always swallow your socks. – LD
May you trust a wayward fart and shamelessly shit your pants in church. – ED
May you step on a Lego and fall into a dried out Christmas tree with old school hot lights. – TJ
May your teeth TURN inward like vertical blinds OK bye – TO
May you eat a Taco Bell smothered burrito and not be anywhere near a toilet OR a 15-minute break! – BW
May your stall never have toilet paper. – JH
May the deep part of the crack of your ass start itching ferociously while taking passengers through the drive thru of white castle LOL yall know it take white castle forever for your order…. – PP
May your nose hairs and mustache grow in reverse directions and become entangled and matted. – TC
May your traffic lights always be red… – NP
May you suffer the wrath of Rush Hour traffic with a side of Blue Line delays, and a cup of DMV waiting room sorrow. – VW
May the next time it rains real hard here in chicago your windshield wipers die and you’re stuck during rush hour between the dan ryan and the stevenson – PP
May you spill your last few bites of jollof rice all over the floor – AB
May you be driving with the window open and get hit by doggie slobber from the neighbouring car. – JG
May you be bit in the ass by a goat. – TO
May your fries and nuggets be ever cold! – JE
May the fleas of a hundred dogs hold a festival in your beard. May you have the headache of the morning after without benefit of the night before. May your condom be the playground of a thousand crabs. – KH
* Luvvie’s note: WELL GAHTDAMB!
May Vicks VapoRub find his swimming suit parts and burn like 1,000 suns that 1,000,000 windows rolled down in a speeding car on LSD in 35 degree + plus windchill Chicago weather cannot cool. – SL
May you get a canker sore and eat something with a lot of citrus or better yet May you get 1,000 paper cuts and dip his finger in lime juice. – LV
Yall are the WORST. And this is why we go together. We’re all clearly active members of Team Petty As Hell Frasority Incorporated. And you need this shirt. Click on it to buy.
Feel free to add more in the comments section. Also read: Because you need 75 new ways to say “Fix It, Jesus.”