Step Away From the Jersey Onesies, Everyone

Two days ago, Beyonce and Nicki Minaj dropped a video on TIDAL. “Feeling Myself” took everyone by surprise and tried really hard to get folks to subscribe to TIDAL, even though 2 hours later it was already all over the web. Unless Jesus is gonna release the remix to the Ten Commandments on there, I’m STILL not paying for it. I do wanna see a collaboration with Christ, featuring Archangel Michael on hook and St. Peter on the bridge. Maybe then, I’ll drop the $20. But I’ll probably unsubscribe right after. Unless the next month, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John do an exclusive concert where they open for Mary Magdalene. 

EHHENWEIGHS, the video is cute, and I love the collabo between two top entertainers right now. It is girl power, from the carefree fun to the lyrics. YES, BOOS! However, I came away from it with the worry, the concern, the burden that jersey dresses might be coming back. Even worse, that jersey bodysuits were about to be a thing.

beyonce-bodysuit

LAWDT! She better be FAHN.

Beyonce is an influencer in every way so anything she wears becomes a trend. When I saw her rocking a Chicago Bulls Leotard and looking damb good in it, I facepalmed. She has opened the Pandora’s Box of Tacky for impressionable people everywhere.

Since one of my superpowers is seeing tackiness before it happens, I knew what was next. I posted a status saying “Remember: You are not Beyonce. You will not look amazing in a jersey dress bodysuit. You will look like 2002.”

But it has begun. I am too late. The train has left the station and your favorite Instagram designers already dropping their versions. That $29.99 hustle is strong.

Baby onesiesYes, for babies, it makes sense because most of their clothes are onesies. Everyone else, though? What occasion is it appropriate for? Where are you wearing it to? What are you doing? I haz questions.

My girl Veronica Marche, who is a designer by trade and schooling is feeling hella passionate about this so here’s her take:

Here’s why “jersey bodysuits” don’t work: Bodysuits stretch. JERSEYS DO NOT. PERIOD. So if you’re going to try to make clothes that are supposed to stretch out of material that doesn’t stretch at all, you’re going to look like you’re wearing a wet diaper under an uncomfortable polyester onesie.

But BEYONCE…!’ You say. Stop it. Stop right there. Beyonce, first, is BEYONCE. And her jersey bodysuit was customized, which means one of three things:

1) Either her stylist found the proper stretchy material for a body suit and applied the Bulls logo to it, or

b) Her stylist custom-tailored a jersey to her body and got the fit *just right* so that nary a wrinkle nor a roll was in sight. (Which, by the way, takes a fair amount of time and a WHOLE LOT of measuring.), OR

iii) Her jersey may simply be clipped (like clipped together with binder clips, like you see on store mannequins) in the back, giving the illusion of smooth hourglass flawlessness.

Everyone else? In a shabbily altered polyester jersey ordered from an Instagram designer who doesn’t know their twills from their knits? Order a “jersey bodysuit” from them and see how quickly you end up looking like a sad oversized baby.

Exhibit A:

Is it a bathing suit? Do you wear that under a skirt or some pants so you look like an uptight basketball fan? Is it to wear around the house? Does it velcro at the bottom or use clips? Is it breathable so your Love Pocket can flourish and not get mad at you? I need to know the logistics, because Bey rocked it for a VIDEO, not like it makes sense in real life.

Gwirl. Everyone needs to step away from the jersey onesies. We left jersey dresses behind, along with ponchos and boxing boots. Please let us not revisit this. Do not let Summer 2015 be the worst, because you wanna walk around with your boo in their jersey and you in your jersey onesie.

Tell your friends they deserve better.

Let me stop, before someone calls me a “Crab in a Barrow” (yes, barrow). Because that’s better than “barrel.” HA!

Crabs in the barrow 2

Drawing by the foolish and incredible Veronica Marche.

Oh and you can get a CRABS IN A BARROW tshirt now!

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Beatrix May 20, 2015, 11:34 am

    I’m cracking up at a bar. With a margarita. Simply, I can’t.

  • Honey_Dipt May 20, 2015, 11:35 am

    Cousin! Thank you so much for this…. because these brawds are going to be traumatizing me all summer with this foolishness. Did no one notice the waist trainer under that hot mess? That girl looks like she can barely breathe she’s cinched so tight.

    • MissusMax May 20, 2015, 11:48 am

      Thank ya! Bey’s ovaries & kidneys are cinched so tightly together in that onsie that they’re thisclose to creating a whole new internal organ! But I already know I’ll be seeing this foolishness on the skreets and I will feel the sadz.

      • GG May 20, 2015, 8:47 pm

        I’m so mad you typed thisclose….I’m going to bed howling!

    • Cicely May 20, 2015, 4:06 pm

      I swear I was thinking the same thing. Her belly area is too smooth. They got her pulled tight…lol…all she could do is lay down.

    • Michelle May 21, 2015, 7:51 am

      Yes tell them!

  • Marquaysa Battle May 20, 2015, 11:38 am

    Bahahaha!! Lol, this is hilarious! No you didn’t mention “boxing boots” though! Lol, my mom REFUSED to let me walk around in that mess no matter how much I begged. Lol, I’m very glad she had my best interest in mind. I would have been a fighting hot mess!

  • Kia Morgan-Smith May 20, 2015, 11:41 am

    Jesus be a fence…

  • Ella May 20, 2015, 11:46 am

    ” Is it breathable so your Love Pocket can flourish and not get mad at you? ”

    Please someone keep me from EVAH referring to any part of my body as a LOVE POCKET! But if I do, please let meh love pocket flourish always!

    • Awesomely Luvvie May 20, 2015, 11:49 am

      Why wouldn’t you wanna call it a Love Pocket? That’s positive. Shit. This is all LOVE rightchea.

      • RozB May 20, 2015, 12:12 pm

        t will no longer be a love pocket after wearing one of these and don’t rainch. That jersey in the pic looks like she might have a hate purse going on, tho…

        • Drea823 May 20, 2015, 2:21 pm

          Lmaooo! “Hate purse”. I am truly in need of oxygen and a clean shirt because I just spit my smoothie all over myself! I hate all of yall! I got real, legit tears!!

        • KayMee May 20, 2015, 7:18 pm

          I’m so mad at you for “hate purse”. I am crying! #JesusBeSomeMonistat

      • Honey_Dipt May 22, 2015, 2:58 pm

        Will you host my homegoing? I just died….

  • mobaygurl May 20, 2015, 11:50 am

    love u & love veronica marche! crabs inna barrow tees already. hilarity indeed!

  • Lynda aka: Sandy Gram @MommyPowers May 20, 2015, 11:59 am

    LAWD I hope I don’t see somebody tryin to rock a Steph Curry leotard on my Cali beaches this summer, Cuz I will full on cackle!

    And when you said “GWIRL” I lost it, Cuz that’s exactly how my 2nd grade son says it, it’s ok though Cuz he’s in speech therapy so we all good!

  • Ana B May 20, 2015, 12:17 pm

    The oncoming explosion of saggy love pocket leotards provoked by this video is reason number 1 that I cannot be a Bey fan. It’s like all reason and logic is erased from your brain when you become a disciple of Sasha Fierce. How else do you explain anyone thinking they can make anything resembling her custom piece at their house? Where are they wearing it?

  • M. Joy May 20, 2015, 12:18 pm

    ummmm the picture you posted, you can TOTALLY tell she has in a corset/waist trainer. So even she can’t just wear a Jersey Onesie. Craziness.

    • penguin May 22, 2015, 12:53 pm

      i saw it too! hahahahaha

  • Phatgurllove May 20, 2015, 12:22 pm

    I am still hollerin’ at “Crabs in a Barrow.” #GheezusHelp

  • KayMac May 20, 2015, 12:36 pm

    Look, this Bulls onsie is FIYAH….on Beyonce….all these other chicks (see: IG models), are going to have to have several seats….I’m mad that the first thing I saw, this morning was ol girl in the Hornets jersey.

    And why you have to bring back the boxing shoes?! I was trying to forget that I actually had a pair!! Damn!!!

  • Nef05 May 20, 2015, 12:36 pm

    Unbreathable polyester over a love pocket for hours in hot, humid summer weather. “Summer Madness” for real, and not the good kind.

    Calgon, take them all away – please!!!

  • Asia E. May 20, 2015, 12:41 pm

    This is going to be a thing *sad panda*. I know it will. I’m sure of it! I know because leotard. Did we forget that after the Single Ladies video EVERY GAWT DAMB body wore leotards for about 2 consecutive years??! Clubs, dinners, weddings…just non-stop shenanigans. Brace yourself, onesies coming to a city near you.

    Signed,
    Disturbed

  • Michelle May 20, 2015, 12:51 pm

    Screaming in the library at the “hate purse” comment

  • Ricki May 20, 2015, 12:59 pm

    Thank you for introducing me to Veronica Marche.

  • Ashley May 20, 2015, 1:14 pm

    THIS THIS THIS. ALL OF THIS. And let’s not even bring up the apparent waist trainer that was worn too because, Bey, I love you–that waist to hip ratio ain’t real. ILLUSIONS I SAY IN THE NAME OF THE LORD. But yes–let’s not make this a thing.

    • TheItGyrl May 20, 2015, 2:31 pm

      I about died at “ILLUSIONS I SAY IN THE NAME OF THE LORD.”

      Legitimately almost died.

  • Adia May 20, 2015, 1:28 pm

    Somebody on ig said she looks like the real Larry Johnson and probably don’t know who grandma-ma is. iDied.

  • S.Introvert May 20, 2015, 1:46 pm

    Other than a choreographed dance number during hour 7 of a drunken basketball-themed bachelorette party, I cannot think of any other place this ensemble can be worn. If you went swimming in it your thighs would catch fire.

    • whateverlola06 May 20, 2015, 2:06 pm

      “If you went swimming in it your thighs would catch fire.”

      I just broke down!!!! I’m done, for the day! Done!

  • Trini D May 20, 2015, 1:49 pm

    Damn you Luvvie for bringing this up! Was I wrong to hope that if we ignored it, the madness would go away?
    Love pocket….you have me cackling scandalously.

  • Tracey May 20, 2015, 2:50 pm

    But WHY…I say WHY is she posed up like she just wore ALL the f@cks out of that ensemble? Like “yeah bitches…don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me!!”

    • howlingbanshee May 20, 2015, 5:04 pm

      Yes, she is truly working it; you can tell she’s a top honor student of Instagram Modeling Academy:
      *Multiple pics of yourself side by side (check)
      *Time honored “Looking on the ground for something I dropped” pose (check)
      *Provocative (but careful not to look TOO “easy”) rear view pose (check)

      She is ready, y’all. Pay her with ALL THE LIKES. Make sure you get her contact information FOR BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY.

  • Hidaya May 20, 2015, 2:57 pm

    Yes, I noticed Beyoncé wearing the waist triainer under the bodysuit. She wears them faithfully!!!

    Bye

  • Cicely May 20, 2015, 4:22 pm

    LMBO…I seriously hate you all!! I’ve got to stop reading anything Luvvie and/or thr comments while in public. I’m tried of embarrassing myself… LOL.

    Plus I just keep seeing couples taking those matching outfit pictures…him in a jersey and her in her matching jersry onesie. Clawd Begeezus help us all…smh

  • Lala May 20, 2015, 5:23 pm

    “Unless Jesus is gonna release the remix to the Ten Commandments on there, I’m STILL not paying for it. ”

    Because: yes.

  • Londa May 20, 2015, 6:02 pm

    Oh dear. As a result of this summer craze, gynecology offices everywhere will stay packed. Likewise, grocery stores, Target and Wal-Mart will see a mad rush for Monistat.

  • howlingbanshee May 20, 2015, 8:21 pm

    Dear Lakers 34 Onesie,

    You not cute.
    Yo sides are uneven.
    You look musty.
    But more importantly, you look damn near impossible to wear. Did I mention how uneven you are?

    (Heaven forgive me if this was a custom job measured for someone with severe scoliosis; I’m so sorry. I promise I’m not a mean person)

    • Lola May 23, 2015, 3:18 am

      “You not cute.
      Yo sides are uneven.
      You look musty.”

      Yo…I holla’d!! LMAO Your arse is crazy.
      One of the BEST “Beyond Scared Straight” episodes ever!

  • CaraQ May 20, 2015, 9:10 pm
    • Tonia May 25, 2015, 3:26 pm

      Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Kat May 20, 2015, 9:56 pm

    Did she take a Charlotte jersey and just tuck it between her legs?

  • katori May 21, 2015, 6:45 am

    I’m just here for “crabs in a barrow”. And there’s a visual. Owee. I shall forever live!!!

  • Rhoad_Rage May 21, 2015, 7:58 am
    • Tonia May 25, 2015, 3:31 pm

      I told my disbelieving husband that this was going to be a thing….I really gon need for Jesus to take the wheel and the sewing machines!

  • Michele May 21, 2015, 8:08 am

    Yeah, I’m afraid this is going to be a thing *sigh*. It will be like seeing a bride trying to rock a strapless gown when she had no business taking it off the rack in the first place.

    Hova is way too late with this Tidal thing. Obviously he ain’t gonna get us old heads because nothing we listen to would be on there anyway, but the young’uns I talked to said their cool with their setup on Spotify, Pandora, etc., so they’re giving Tidal a miss too. If he had launched this 5 years ago it might have been a different story.

    “Crabs in a barrow.” Bwhahaha

    • Michele May 21, 2015, 8:10 am

      *they’re* cool with their setup.

      #MyQueendomForTheCorrectHomonym

  • Deanna May 21, 2015, 3:33 pm

    There is no hell hotter than being at the bar half wobbly and trying to get out of a bodysuit to use the bathroom. This doesn’t even take into account the fact that it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get the crotch snapped back. So then what’s a girl to do?

  • Cleojonz May 21, 2015, 4:23 pm

    No. Just No. Thankfully I am too old for this to be a thing for me. We already did the Jersey dress thing. This does not need to be a widespread trend.

  • notconvincedgranny May 21, 2015, 9:22 pm

    Judging from the looks of the DIY version, those crabs ain’t in a barrow, they’re wearing boxing shoes in a hate purse, tucked in a violent tote bag. You’d be windmilling too if you were locked in a puckered up “designer” Depends.

    • nane1173 May 22, 2015, 11:36 pm

      YOOOOOOOOO!! I absolutely cannot BREATHE with this rite’chea!!!!

  • Cathie B. May 22, 2015, 1:32 am

    Yoncé is simply setting the stage for her next line of products. After fans launch the jersey leotard craze, playing in the sand cuz they’re drunk in love, Ms. Twyla’s worldwide gon’ needs just one missed trip to the gynecologist. Then Bey gon’ kill the market with Monistat 711. I betchu! #jesustakethekeys

    • Lola May 23, 2015, 3:21 am

      CTFU! Why’d you Bring Ms. Twyla’s Worldwide into this?! Hunh, Cathie?

  • Britney May 23, 2015, 10:30 pm

    Hilarious! But so on point!

  • Leigh Ann May 25, 2015, 1:55 pm

    Love pocket! I don’t understand how people don’t get that Beyoncé can pull things off that the general public CANNOT.

  • Alex May 25, 2015, 4:44 pm

    I think I died 9 times reading this… #lovepocket is the new #pocketbook!

  • Empress May 25, 2015, 9:03 pm

    Charlotte #1 needs to donate that suit to Baby Huey and get on out from round here

  • tishushu May 28, 2015, 11:48 am

    sad. oversized. baby. I am so done, I can’t done no mo.

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