Step Away From the Jersey Onesies, Everyone
Two days ago, Beyonce and Nicki Minaj dropped a video on TIDAL. “Feeling Myself” took everyone by surprise and tried really hard to get folks to subscribe to TIDAL, even though 2 hours later it was already all over the web. Unless Jesus is gonna release the remix to the Ten Commandments on there, I’m STILL not paying for it. I do wanna see a collaboration with Christ, featuring Archangel Michael on hook and St. Peter on the bridge. Maybe then, I’ll drop the $20. But I’ll probably unsubscribe right after. Unless the next month, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John do an exclusive concert where they open for Mary Magdalene.
EHHENWEIGHS, the video is cute, and I love the collabo between two top entertainers right now. It is girl power, from the carefree fun to the lyrics. YES, BOOS! However, I came away from it with the worry, the concern, the burden that jersey dresses might be coming back. Even worse, that jersey bodysuits were about to be a thing.
LAWDT! She better be FAHN.
Beyonce is an influencer in every way so anything she wears becomes a trend. When I saw her rocking a Chicago Bulls Leotard and looking damb good in it, I facepalmed. She has opened the Pandora’s Box of Tacky for impressionable people everywhere.
Since one of my superpowers is seeing tackiness before it happens, I knew what was next. I posted a status saying “Remember: You are not Beyonce. You will not look amazing in a jersey dress bodysuit. You will look like 2002.”
But it has begun. I am too late. The train has left the station and your favorite Instagram designers already dropping their versions. That $29.99 hustle is strong.
Yes, for babies, it makes sense because most of their clothes are onesies. Everyone else, though? What occasion is it appropriate for? Where are you wearing it to? What are you doing? I haz questions.
My girl Veronica Marche, who is a designer by trade and schooling is feeling hella passionate about this so here’s her take:
Here’s why “jersey bodysuits” don’t work: Bodysuits stretch. JERSEYS DO NOT. PERIOD. So if you’re going to try to make clothes that are supposed to stretch out of material that doesn’t stretch at all, you’re going to look like you’re wearing a wet diaper under an uncomfortable polyester onesie.
But BEYONCE…!’ You say. Stop it. Stop right there. Beyonce, first, is BEYONCE. And her jersey bodysuit was customized, which means one of three things:
1) Either her stylist found the proper stretchy material for a body suit and applied the Bulls logo to it, or
b) Her stylist custom-tailored a jersey to her body and got the fit *just right* so that nary a wrinkle nor a roll was in sight. (Which, by the way, takes a fair amount of time and a WHOLE LOT of measuring.), OR
iii) Her jersey may simply be clipped (like clipped together with binder clips, like you see on store mannequins) in the back, giving the illusion of smooth hourglass flawlessness.
Everyone else? In a shabbily altered polyester jersey ordered from an Instagram designer who doesn’t know their twills from their knits? Order a “jersey bodysuit” from them and see how quickly you end up looking like a sad oversized baby.
— Robert Littal (@BSO) May 20, 2015
Is it a bathing suit? Do you wear that under a skirt or some pants so you look like an uptight basketball fan? Is it to wear around the house? Does it velcro at the bottom or use clips? Is it breathable so your Love Pocket can flourish and not get mad at you? I need to know the logistics, because Bey rocked it for a VIDEO, not like it makes sense in real life.
Gwirl. Everyone needs to step away from the jersey onesies. We left jersey dresses behind, along with ponchos and boxing boots. Please let us not revisit this. Do not let Summer 2015 be the worst, because you wanna walk around with your boo in their jersey and you in your jersey onesie.
Tell your friends they deserve better.
Let me stop, before someone calls me a “Crab in a Barrow” (yes, barrow). Because that’s better than “barrel.” HA!
Oh and you can get a CRABS IN A BARROW tshirt now!