Game of Thrones season 5 is halfway through now with “Kill the Boy” and this week, they tell us that “Doom rules Valyria.” Well, clearly it rules this show too, and it must be directed by Pandora, who is clearly salty that someone opened her box. And where are her dragons? Let’s talk about it.
Note: aren’t you proud that I got this recap up the night of the show? This NEVER happens. Please congratulate me. Thanks.
From a safe distance, Brienne is watching Winterfell and Podrick thinks Sansa might be safe since she’s away from the Lannisters. NAWL. She left Satan to go to the Devil. She is not that much safer. Then, an older man comes in and Brienne asks him if she can deliver a message to the one Stark left in Winterfell. He wonders what it is to her and she says she swore an oath to Lady Stark to protect her children, and just because she’s dead doesn’t mean the oath is. True, true.
Ramsay is butt nekkid with his girl Myranda, post-coitus and she wonders about Sansa Stark. That douchecanoe rubs it in that he’s marrying her, and it’s obvious that Myranda is going to be a problem for Sansa because she’s not even trying to hide that she’s jealous.
The old woman who told Sansa that “The North Remembers” enters her room with a hushed message. If she ever needs help, she should light a candle in the highest window of the broken tower and help will come.
The North is there for her and she got people. Aaawwwww. Sansa goes to the tower and it’s the one that Bran fell from in the first episode. She’s looking up when Myranda joins her and introduces herself as the kennel master’s daughter. She says she wants to take her somewhere and Sansa goes with her (girl WHY?). Where she takes her is to the kennel and what she finds is Theon (aka Reek) in the same cage as the dogs. She’s stunned to see him and he tells her she shouldn’t be there.
Later that night, Reek confesses to Ramsay that he saw Sansa. So dinner happens, with Roose, Ramsay, Sansa and Walda (Roose’s wife). Walda must not have Googled her because she tells her that it must be weird being in a strange place.
LET HER KNOW!
Reek serves them but Ramsay calls him back to humiliate him properly, bragging about how he was punished for killing her brothers and his name is no longer Theon. Then he makes him look at Sansa and apologize for his crime, in the most slimey way. Then to add insult to injury, he says Reek can give her away at their wedding. He is such a bastard.
Meanwhile, Roose says him and Walda are expecting a baby and Ramsay doesn’t like it one bit. He’s all threatened that if it’s a boy, his position is compromised. Roose assures him that he is his son, telling him how he even came to be. His mother was the miller’s wife and when he found out she was married, he hung the miller and raped her under the tree that his body was hanging in. GAHTDAMB. These villains of Westeros, man. They do not deserve nice things. Anyway, he tells Ramsay that he will need his help keeping the North when Stannis and his man show up.
Maester Aemon has Samwell reading Dany’s latest updates to him, and he laments that “A Targaryen alone one the world is a terrible thing.” Lord Commander Jon Snow interrupts them and says he needs advise from the old man alone. Sam leaves and he says he has something he needs to do and it will make half of his men hate him. Before finding out what it is, Maester Aemon tells him to do whatever it is, because clearly it is necessary. “Kill the boy and let the man be born.”
Jon has summoned Tormund, the imprisoned Wilding, and says he wants him to go get all the freefolk North of the Wall. He needs them to fight with them when Winter comes, and he says if they do not, they will be the ones dying first. Tormund tells him that he refuses to kneel and Jon is like he ain’t even asked him to do all’at.
He unchains the Wildling and says he can even borrow Stannis’ ships for the journey. The dude says the only way he will go is if Jon comes with him to plead his case. Jon is his receipts. Uh oh.
Killing the boy means going through with a plan even as every man (but Sam) disagrees with it. The men of the Night’s Watch are NOT pleased because the Wildlings have been their enemies for so long. They killed Olly’s parents, and the boy is now Jon’s steward. When he’s asked what he feels, he reminds the Lord Commander that the people he wants peace with killed his entire family and burned his village down. Snow knows but he gotta do what he gotta do and I respect it.
Gilly thinks the tiny Castle Black library is where all the books that exist is, but Sam tells her the Citadel in Oldtown has the largest library. That’s where all the Maesters were trained. Stannis shows up and asks Sam how he killed the White Walkers. He used dragonglass (aka obsidian), and the general tells him to keep on reading. They will need Sam’s smarts when winter comes. Stannis has decided that it is time to invade the North, even without Jon (he’s going with the Wildlings) and he is bringing the queen and Shireen.
Before the set off for the long journey, Jon promises that he’ll bring his ships back. Davos and Shireen have a chat that I am reading into. He jokingly makes the little girl promise to protect him on the battlefield since she isn’t scared. Methinks this promise is not empty at all.
As Barristan Selmy lies in front of her, Dany is crushed because “He was a loyal friend. And he died in an alley.” He really was a confidant and the fact that he knew her people mattered. In her anger, she says she wants her army to gather the leaders of the families in Meereen. One of them is Loraq, who is standing in front of her.
Daenerys gets the men in the dungeon, because her two bad ass dragons on punishment could use a snack. She means business, and her men push one of the Patriarchs into the darkness. Immediately, the dragons come out and make human BBQ, munching on the charred and crispy man like it’s first hot weekend of the year. When she looks at Loraq like he must be next, he says “Valar Moghulis.” He ain’t gon go down like a punk. And he actually doesn’t. Dany says 1 is enough for now. There’s always tomorrow.
It’s been three days and Grey Worm finally wakes up, with Missandei next to him. He feels like he failed his men, his Queen and everyone. But mostly, he is ashamed because he was afraid when he got stabbed. Why? Because he feared never seeing Missandei again.
Aawwww! Unsullieds need love too.
In Dany’s room, she asks Missandei for advice. Should she go with what Barrister Selmy would want (mercy) or what Daario suggested (kill everyone)? The girl smartly tells her to “Do you, boo boo” cuz she knows the Khaleesi is an askhole. She is forever asking for advice she does not take. Dany goes into the dungeon cell where Loraq is and he tells her he doesn’t want to die and he was just boolsheeting that day when he was being all Valar Morghulis. She tells him admitting that fear was brave. Then she admits her own mistake and says she should have listened to him. The fighting pits are back on AND she plans on marrying a man from a major family in Meereen, so they know it’s real. “Thankfully, the suitor is already on his knees.” HA! She’s gonna marry Loraq and he didn’t have to go to Jared’s.
On The Run Tour
Tyrion is still bound on the boat with Jorah, but at least he’s not gagged. He still got mouth and he’s asking for wine. Homeboy is suffering from withdrawal because this forced alcohol intervention he’s on is clearly a struggle. He turns around and recognizes where they’re approaching: Valyria. That is where Daenerys is originally from, but it is also where “doom rules.” It has been decimated and even he seems petrified of it. They could have taken other routes but pirates might await them. Instead, they approach the city and see a dragon fly over them.
They’re no longer in Kansas, indeed. And I bet that was Dhrogon, Dany’s main delinquent reptile.
Just then, some man-like thing drops into the water in front of them. One drops into their small boat and Jorah yells that they’re Stone Men. He warns Tyrion not to touch them, and he fights them off. Mind you, Tyrion is still tied up so he can’t do much but scoot as more of these things show up. Jorah is fighting a couple when one goes towards Tyrion, who just throws himself in the water. One of them must have grabbed his leg because he gets pulled under.
Next thing, Tyrion opens his eyes and he’s laying on sand with Jorah over him. WHEW! He must have been saved at the last moment. The Stone Men are people who have Greyscale, and remember that it’s highly contagious. Jorah goes to look for wood and he stops and pulls up his sleeve. He has greyscale on his wrist.
They DID touch Jorah. SUMMABISH. They really do take “All Men Must die” literally on this damb show! I ALWAYS get attached to characters when death hangs over their heads like bad news mistletoe. *kicks trashcan* Does this mean it will take over his whole body or will they be able to find someone to cure him like they did Shireen, before he becomes a stone man? Man, shit. And with it being contagious, he better not give it to Tyrion. Gosh. Game of Thrones: No One Can Have Nice Things EVER should be the name of this show.
But did y’all catch all the “Jon is a Targaryen” hints that were dropped on this episode? That scene with Maester Aemon was full of them. The fact that Jon showed up right after he said “A Targaryen alone in the world is a terrible thing” is one. THEN before he told him to basically man up, he said “Allow me to give my lord one last piece of counsel. The same counsel I once gave my brother when we parted for the last time.” MMHMMM. That’s because that is his nephew. I just KNOWED IT.
This week’s Jon Snow lusting has been sponsored by:
Anywho, discuss! Those of you who’ve read the Game of Thrones books. SHUT YOUR TRAPS ABOUT SPOILERS TO COME IF YOU’RE COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! Don’t make me fight you and block you from ever commenting here again. That is all. JUST DISCUSS THE SHOW UP TO THIS POINT!