Game of Thrones is the reason why we can’t have nice things like hearts that aren’t broken. Let’s just get into last episode (I know this recap is 7 days late. Sharrap I haz reasons).
The Bank of America of Westeros (the Iron Bank) wants the Lannisters to pay 10% of what they’ve borrowed but the Master of Coin (which happens to be Margaery’s father) says the Lannisters do not have the money to give half of that money back. The Tyrells are sitting on money though so he offers to loan some but Cersei ain’t tryna have that. Instead, she sends him away to visit the Iron Bank to deliver the message personally. She even sends Ser Meryn with him, although that should not make him feel safe. That bish got some diabolical plan. Also, getting rid of him means she got one less person to worry about on the Getting Even Smaller by Day Council.
Anywho, she meets with High Sparrow, and is clearly hellbent on making this alliance go long, because she gives them the power of police, judge and jury of morality in Westeros. She tells him: “Too often, the wicked are the wealthiest, beyond the reach of justice. The king himself cannot always punish those who deserve it the most.” I looked around, wondering if she was talking to herself about herself. Because if that doesn’t describe the Lannisters, then I don’t know what does. She drops some tea to the old man about Loras Tyrell being a HOMOSECKCHUAL, and the newly powerful Scientologists of Westeros go capture him. Along the way, they torture and kill the people in the brothel, break the kegs of alcohol around King’s Landing and just create mayhem in the name of religion.
Margaery finds out that her brother is now in Scietology lockup and she tells him his mother is behind it and she wants her bro freed.
Tommen marches to his mom, who tells him that of course it isn’t her and all he needs to do is talk to the High Sparrow. Well, he tries. When he gets to the foot of the temple, him and his guards are stopped by Sparrows who say their master is praying. Chile, he tucked his tail between his legs and basically turned back. All while listening to sparrows yelling “abomination” and “bastard.” He returns to Margaery without her bro and she says she’s leaving to go be with her family.
Talk about getting PUNKED in the worst way. King Tommen’s weak ass never got trained him to be a G. Now he’s losing out on Tyrell Love Pocket love AND it will get around that the Scientologists of Westeros punked him. I can’t believe that Cersei has armed them with all this power. She is clearly the Queen Bee of Team Bad Decisions and the Sparrows will get outside of her control REALLY quickly. Soon, she will be their target for her sinning. She IS, afterall, sleeping with her brother, and her kids are from their incest. And clearly, they know because people were hissing that at Tommen.
Stannis Baratheon ain’t packed up his dereon duffle yet, and he’s still hanging around the Wall, watching Jon Snow be amazingly hot. That’s what I’d be doing anyway. Selyse, his wife, apologizes to him for never birthing a son for him, and for having Shireen, the greyscaled daughter instead. Just then, the Red Woman shows up and basically tells her to STFU because “the God of light” doesn’t care. Lemme find out that she can be encouraging. Sad wife leaves and Melisandre reminds Stannis that he better take her with him when the war starts.
The bigger your title gets, the more admin work you have to do. This is true across time, industries and how much leather comes with the uniform. Jon is in his office, signing requests for men for the Wall, as Sam hands them to him. Being Lord Commander is more than sword fights and sexy meetings. He gets to the part where he has to sign a letter to Roose Bolton and he wants to stop, until Sam tells him that he’s gonna have to swallow the whole “you killed my family” thing and get it done.
They need more than 50 men to protect the realm. Ugh, I hate when my BFF is right too.
Just then, they’re interrupted by the Red Woman. Sam excuses himself and she closes Jon’s office door. She’s also there to convince him to come fight for Stannis, and she figures that the way to getting a man to do whatever the hell you want is by offering him your Love Pocket. Melisandre opens her robe and thrusts her nipples in his face, but our man is strong (jawed and willed). He doesn’t fall for her shit, lest a Shadow Snow baby happens. He’s still in love with Ygritte. As she walks out, she turns around and says “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”
AW SHIT. The voodoo she do!
Shireen enters Stannis’ office and asks her father if she’s ashamed of her. Stannis responds in a way I’m sure no one expected: like a caring human. He tells his daughter that when she was little, some dude brought a doll with the Baratheon house colors. He bought it, and when he gave it to his newborn, soon, the deadly greyscale afflicted her. Everyone wanted him to send her far away to die but he called in every witch, wizard, doctor he could. And together, they saved her. He tells his daughter “You are the Princess Shireen of House Baratheon and you are my daughter.”
The girl hugs her father and I may have sniffled. But this was too feel good. Something bad is probably going to happen to her soon, because Game of Thrones does NOT do sappy without heartbreak right after it.
Sansa is in the dungeon lighting candles when Littlefinger joins her. They’re standing in front of the statue of her aunt Lyanna when he tells her the story of when he saw her, as a young boy. Rhaegar Targaryen had just won a fight and he bypassed his wife to drop a crown of flowers on Lyanna’s lap. THAT is what started a major war, the fact that he chose her over his wife, Elia. Sansa comments that he raped her, and Baelish gives a look that seems to say he isn’t divulging all the info he has on that.
Or that she might be wrong. Odds are, she is.
Anywho, he tells her that he has to leave for King’s Landing, because Cersei has sent for him. She panics that he’s leaving her with the crazy ass Boltons and he says he has an inkling that it won’t be for long. He is a smart man, and he’s deduced that Stannis Baratheon is spending time on the wall to gather men, and will soon be invading Winterfell. Once he conquers the North, SHE will become the Wardeness.
IF he’s wrong, he advises her that most men can be out-maneuvered. Ramsay is not an exception. He leans in and kisses Sansa as he walks away. I admit that I winced as I saw it. There’s some… icky tension there, beyond the protector bit. On his end, anyway.
Bronn and Jamie are on a ship on the way to the Dorne and the hired swordsman wants to know why the pretty Lannister himself is going on this mission to bring Myrcella back home. He is hella recognizable. Good point.
“The Dornish are crazy. All they wanna do is fight and fuck. Fuck and fight. There’s nothing like good fight to get you in the mood for fucking. And there’s nothing like a fuck-mad Dornish girl to clear your head for the next fight.”
Jamie insists that he has to get his “niece” and the side-eye that Bronn gives him speaks volumes. Even as they take on this mission, he still can’t be fully honest.
This whole incest thing is not as much of a secret as Cersei and Jamie think it is. It’s basically known knowledge and them two blondes have underestimated what their breeding of all blond kids has done. The walls talk. And so does common sense. Oh and he tells Bronn that he will slice his little brother in two when he sees him, for killing their father.
The two arrive at Dorne at night but when daytime comes, they’re found by 4 men on horses, who ask who they are and what they’re doing. Seeing as how they’re both terrible liars, all they can come up with is that their names are Darnell and Tyler. HA! Sirs… please. The men ask them to drop their swords in the sand, and in one swift move, Bronn slashes one’s throat. It becomes 3 on 2, but really, it’s 3 on 1 because Jamie’s one handedness renders him useless to fighting someone full strength. Bronn injures one, and that one becomes Jamie’s rival. He’s thisclose to cutting Jamie’s head off when his sword gets stuck in the iron arm. Bronn kills the others and winner!
Ellaria returns and tells her three daughters (Obara, Nymeria, Tyene) that she is going to war with the Lannisters to avenge Oberyn’s death, and Myrcella, the one in their midst is going to be the one who gets it first. She asks them if they’re in on nah. 2 of them are all “hell yeah” but the oldest one (Obara) proves it.
She throws a spear through the head of the dude they have buried neck deep in the sand. Who is he? He’s the captain of the ship that Jamie and Bronn snuck in on, and he gave them that tea. The Sand Snakes are clearly my newest baes because those bad asses are ready to ride for their slayed Oberyn and they are going to wreck shop. I can already tell.
On the Run Tour
Jorah has thrown Tyrion unto a small boat. When daytime comes, the bound and gagged Lannister is trying to get his mouth free, at least. You know he loves to talk. Finally, Jorah removes the tie from his mouth and when the kidnappee starts talking, he doesn’t stop. He does too much and basically spills all of Jorah’s business, having figured it all out because he’s really smart.
Jorah was Varys’ spy all along and when Dany found out, she exiled him and now’s he’s trying to use Tyrion as Prisoner to get back in her good graces. But he should know that she might kill them both. Or just kill Jorah. This astuteness gets Tyrion a hard slap to the face that topples him over.
Real Gs gotta move in silence sometimes and he shoulda STFU.
Ser Barristan Selmy tells Dany a story of Rhaegar Targaryen, and how even though he was a gifted killer, he was an even more talented singer. He used to disguise himself and go to the town and sing, and then give his winnings to poor people. This makes our girl smile like I don’t remember her ever doing. Aawwww.
On queen duties, one of the ex-slaves begs Dany to let them human cockfight and once again, she says no. Well, in the brothel, the Unsullieds show up, not knowing they were being set up for some ultra slaying, because the Sons of the Harpy surround them. And what ensues is a bloodbath. Unfortunately, Grey Worm is in the fight, and the Unsullieds are losing like shit. I thought 10 of them were supposed to be able to take 1 person. WHAPPENED? Grey Worm is kicking ass but his people are falling left and right.
Then Ser Barristan Selmy shows up, and starts killing the Sons of the Harpy, doing the job the Unsullieds should have been doing.
Grey Worm has been stabbed once but he can’t stop, won’t stop. But then… multiple Harpy dudes descend on the greatest knight and use his body like a wack-a-mole game. He falls over, next to Grey Worm who is injured but not dead. And I go NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Why did they have to kill Barristan??? Who gon look out for Dany now? Who will be her mentor? ALL she has now is Daario, who is NOT that reliable, IMO. She needs Jorah back so let’s hope she accepts him when he comes toting Tyrion. But nooooo. Dambit. Just… dambit.
Also, this episode threw hella fuel to the fire of the popular theory that of R+L=J. Between Littlefinger’s side-eye when Sansa said Rhaegar raped Lyanna to Stannis’ comment to his wife that it wasn’t like Ned to sleep with some “tavern slut” methinks they’re just letting everyone know that Jon Snow might not be a Stark bastard afterall. We’ve been waiting for that theory AT THE DOOR.
We didn’t see Arya in this episode and that’s ok. Valar Morghulis Bootcamp must be intense by now.
I haven’t read the books that Game of Thrones is based on but the overall sentiment from those who have is that the show has officially gone rogue. The producers of GoT know George RR Martin’s end game. They’ve signed all types of ironclad NDAs (non-disclosure agreements) about it too. What this means is that the books and the show will have the same ending. However, they might be carving different paths to get there.
What I keep hearing is this episode was a major departure from where the books currently are. I do not have any other info and I refuse to research it.
This week’s gratuitous pic of Jon Snow the Bae:
Anywho, discuss! Those of you who’ve read the Game of Thrones books. SHUT YOUR TRAPS ABOUT SPOILERS TO COME IF YOU’RE COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! Don’t make me fight you and block you from ever commenting here again. That is all. JUST DISCUSS THE SHOW UP TO THIS POINT!