After last week’s episode of Game of Thrones, I just wanted some type of hope to peek through. We need something good because all that despair is exhausting. Let’s talk about it!
In Winterfell, Theon Reek brings food into Sansa’s chamber, and finds her curled in a ball crying in bed. He wants to back out and leave when she jumps up and begs him to help her. She is bruised all over and she says Ramsay rapes her every night. She wants him to light the candle on the broken tower, so her Northern help can come. Theon is shaking in his boots and tells her to call him Reek. She reminds him “Your name is Theon Greyjoy. Last surviving son of Balon Greyjoy.”
TELL HIM WHO HE BE!
Theon takes the candle from her and goes outside, where the tower is in the distance. Brienne of Tarth is also at a safe distance, watching the tower for light. SHE is the one who gave that message. Up some stairs Theon goes and he opens the door. Ramsay is sitting there. Wayment.
Later on, Sansa meets Ramsay outside and as they walk, she peeps a small T-shaped wooden (I think) thing and she grabs it to put it under her cloak. YES for weapon smuggling, Stark! Use that on him soon. As they chat, she reminds her “husband” that his father’s wife is pregnant with a boy. And since he’s a bastard, the legit child has a stronger claim to the throne.
I see she’s getting some edge to her. He points out that bastards can do great things too, like her brother Jon Snow who is now the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Clearly, our girl did not know much about her brother’s whereabouts and that tidbit because she looks surprised.
The two walk to the center of the courtyard and Ramsay delightfully points out the skinned body hanging from the rope is of the Northern woman who reminded Sansa that she remembers. The woman has been snuffed out because Reek’s ball-less and scared shitless ass snitched to Ramsay. Sansa is in tears, stunned because the message is clear: you are alone.
Also, WTF REEK??? Seriously. He is so petrified of Ramsay that any thought that he might help Sansa is now out the window. I get that he was tortured but shit. Wouldn’t death be more pleasant than the prison called life he’s living? Why did he have to sell our girl out like this? That poor old woman. Dambit. *fights the air*
Jon and Turmond the Wildling are leaving Castle Black to go make the peace treaty with the rest of the free people. As they’re about to go, Lord Commander Snow goes and tells Ser Alliser that he’s in charge now. The old ornery dude takes the opportunity to tell him how stupid he thinks their mission is and Jon basically tells him to worry about himself.
Basically, how many dambs does Jon not give about homeboy’s opinions? Many. Several. A plethora.
Before he sets off, Jon has a bromance moment with Sam. Tarly gives him dragonglass, because that is what he used to kill the whitewalker. Let’s cross our fingers that our boy won’t need it. They hug and an audience track in my head went “aawwww” like it was the end of a Full House episode.
Maester Aemon Targaryen is on his deathbed and Sam and Gilly are keeping him company with the baby. The old man drops his final piece of advice when he says “Get him South, Gillyflower. Before it’s too late.” Later that night, they’re by his bedside as he speaks his last words and takes his last breath. Later on, the old man’s body lays on a wooden bed, ready to be lit as Sam gives him a rousing eulogy in front of all the Night’s Watch men. 12 Lord Commanders came and went under Maester Aemon’s advice so he was a true OG.
*pours out dragon blood for the homie*
No sooner did Ser Alliser lean over to Sam to say “you’re losing all your friends.” SHARRAP, BRO. Ugh. I can’t stand his cantankerous ass.
That night, Gilly is passing by 2 Night’s Watch men and they block her way. They clearly want to take advantage of her and she’s getting scared when Sam shows up. He tells them to leave her alone, but you know Tarly scares no one. They try to feel up on Gilly so he finally charges. One of the men whoops Sam’s ass so proper that he’s laying on the ground and face is bleeding. He might have killed some white walkers but he still can’t fight worth a damb. The men are actively trying to rape Gilly so he gets up to charge them again (aka get a 2nd ass whooping) when Ghost, Jon’s direwolf shows up. It is then that the men run away, knowing that animal will rip them to shreds.
Shoutout to the bad CGI version of Ghost, doe. Also, it was good to see him. I forgot he was still around. In fact, I thought all the direwolves were gone. Great reminder. Also, Jon probably left him behind because he knew his friend had no allies left so he’d need protection. Either way, he surely saved the day.
Gilly takes Sam to the room to lie down, all bloodied up and everything. It’s clear that it is not safe for either of them on the Wall, because all they have is each other and people are gunning for them. As he lies down, she sits on him and they do it! VOWS BE DAMBED.
Get it in, Samwell! This is the only semi-decent sex scene that has ever happened on Game of thrones. Sam and Gilly are adorable. This is why I fear for them. They’re too good to and for each other. They probably won’t live.
Jamie is in Dorne and he asks to see Myrcella. She’s kinda shocked by his new look, with less hair and less hand. He tells her that she isn’t safe in Dorne and she should come back home, but she says she’s staying like Effie White, because Dorne is home now. She was sent there years ago so this is what she knows. She storms out, leaving Uncle Daddy looking lost.
In the cells, Bronn is across the way from the Sand Snakes. He’s regaling them with a song about how Dornish women cannot be outdone.
One of them goes near the bars, and takes off her robe enough to where her tits are taunting him. Bronn, of course, eats it up in his cell, until he all of a sudden starts feeling really faint. Remember that one of the Sand Snakes cut him a little in their janky battle from last episode. Well, turns out that the blade was laced with poison, and it takes a while to activate. Methinks the sudden blood rush to Bronn’s peen caused it to kick in right there.
There is an antidote though, and it’s around Sand Snake 1’s neck. Maybe she’s charmed by Bronn, or maybe she’s setting it up so he owes one of them saving but she tosses it to him and he takes it.
On The Run Tour
*this is what I call the trips of who is in limbo and don’t have a real place*
Meanwhile, Stannis has also left Castle Black with is people to march to the North but it is not going well at all. The storm that’s happening has made it so cold that 40 of his horses died overnight. ANDDD the sellwords he hired bounced. All 500 of them. Ser Davos suggests that they go back to the Wall to sit out the winter but he is NOT having it. “This is the right time and I will risk everything because if I don’t we’ve lost… we go forward. Only forward.” Also, if they go back, he’ll be known as the punk ass running ass king so this is also about ego.
Davos leaves and Stannis turns to Melisandre like WTF? He decided to march on her word but they seem to be losing by the minute. She assures him that her visions don’t lie (see: dead ass Robb and Joffrey). However, those two died because of the royal blood sacrifice. The Red Woman says now is the time to use Shireen’s royal blood and Stannis kicks her out his tent.
On the original On the Run tour, Tyrion and Jorah are now prisoners of Slaver Adebisi and they are on the auction block. Well, Jorah is. He is pumped up as a supreme fighter (true) who killed Kahl Drogo in a fight (false). One of the people there bids 20 pieces of gold and wins Mormont. Tyrion pipes up and says they have to go together because they’re a team. He says he is also a prize fighter, and proceeds to beat up one of the slavers. The dude who got Jorah laughs so he throws in a couple of gold coins for Tyrion. The Little Lannister does not know when to STFU but it’s kept him alive.
The man is taking them to the pits of Meereen to fight.
Dany and Daario are making the secks and strategizing about Meereen, because they’re multitasking goons. Mid-stroke, he tells her he wants her to marry him, not one of the random Lords of Meereen. Sir, pull out before you propose so she know it’s real. Must be some good GOOD. Men always catching feelings and complicating matters. Sheesh. This was just a Friend with Benefits situationship, but noooo. He had to throw some extra in there. She rebuffs him, doe.
After they do what they do, they have pillow talk he tells her she needs to just slaughter all the heads of houses and important masters of Meereen to show her authority.
“I’m a queen, not a butcher.” “All rulers are either butchers or meat.”
Since Daenerys opened the fighting pits, it is tradition that she has to sit through the matches. She is not excited to be there but she has to deal. So when the Pit Slave Buyer dude gets his men to Meereen, he tells them it’s time to fight for their lives so they can eventually get in front of the Queen for the main fight.
Jorah and Tyrion are one step closer to Dany. Shockingly, Dany is the in the lower fights and the Pit Runner dude sees her and tells the men that they have been graced with the Grace’s presence. 6 men go out first, and Jorah and Tyrion are sitting in the “locker room” until Jorah hears the men praising the queen. AW SNAP! She’s out there. MMHMMM.
The fighting begins and these men are slicing throats, whooping ass and Dany is wincing through all of it. She does not want to see it. Jorah decides this is his chance to be seen by his girl so he runs out with his helmet on, beats everyone without killing anyone and Dany is impressed by the fighter. He then takes his helmet off, and her face turns cold. She orders that they get him out her sight when he screams “WAIT.” He has a gift for her. Out walks Tyrion!
He walks to the front of the Queen and says “It’s a pleasure to meet you, my grace. My name is Tyrion Lannister.”
Dany looks like she is just sick and tired of surprises but this one piques her interest.
Lady Olenna Tyrell goes into the Sept looking for the High Septon, not knowing that the person scrubbing the floors is him. He says High Sparrow is his name but admits that Queen of Thorns is way better. The two spar like only 2 old people with few dambs to give can and I enjoy it tremendously. Cuz you know ain’t no shade like old folk shade.
The Lady wants to know what he wants so he can release her grandkids but he says that they lied before the gods so they must be punished. “You live among murderers, thieves and racists yet you imprison Loras for shagging some perfumed ponce.”
Real tea. True story.
The Head Scientologist doesn’t want anything and he is not impressed by her wealth. He even reminds her that the wealthy are actually the minority and they are outnumbered by the lowly poor. If those poor ever rise up, they really have no defense. Good point. “A lifetime of wealth and power has left you blind in one eye.” OOP. When Olenna leaves, someone hands her a note with a black seal.
The note is from Littlefinger, who has summoned Lady Tyrell to his now destroyed brothel. She goes and warns him that if he brought her there to kill her, by the time she’s avenged, people will forget he even exists. ALSO, he shouldn’t forget that they killed King Joffrey together to their fates are tied. He agrees. He brought her there because he has something on Cersei, in the form of a boy.
In the King’s palace, Tommen is pissed that his Queen is locked up and he can’t do nothing about it. He tells Cersei that he wants to go speak to the High Sparrow, even raising his voice at his mother.
His attempt at being bold was cute. Just adorable. Cersei the Master Bullshitter says she will speak to the High Sparrow herself and try her best to get Margaery free (at last). Tommen hasn’t been equipped with a bullshit detector so he eats it up as his mother assures him that she will do anything to make him happy.
What does she do? She goes to visit Margaery Tyrell in her dirty and dank prison, like the heffalump she is. She even brings her some venison like that ain’t her leftovers and like she ain’t poison it. She maintains her “It wasn’t me” story but the Queen ain’t buying it. She throws the cup of wine she brought back at her and tells her to GTFO her cell, never to return. “Get out, you hateful bitch.” Says everyone to Cersei.
The Dowager Queen struts out with that smirk on her face and meets the High Sparrow outside the door that leads to the cells. He assures her that the Tyrells will be facing trial, and him and 6 other Septons will preside over it. He promises that they will be stripped of their “fineries” and then he turns to Cersei. He says he wonders what they’ll find if they strip HER finery away. Well, he already knows of something.
One of his beloved followers has confessed all his sins, so his spirit can dance in Heaven.
In walks Cousin Lancel and Cersei knows where this is going: he has snitched about how they used to sleep together. She tries to leave but Sparrows block her way. The Head Scientologist tells them to take her, and she is dragged away, literally kicking and screaming and her death threat to the scientologists fall on ears to deaf that her voice probably boomeranged back into her own mouth.
They close the cell door behind them, and Cersei is on the ground screaming still talmbout how she’s the Queen. Gwirl bye!
It just got ULTRA real in King’s Landing.
Cersei is cruel and somewhat clever but she isn’t as calculating as she thinks she is. Everyone saw her comeuppance from a mile away because you do not create an army of religious fanatics and expect them to use you as an exception to the rule.
Scientologists of Westeros Sparrows with power has been a terrible idea from jump street. Cersei did not think this through at all as she’s allowed them to do all her dirty work. It is sweet sweet justice to see her thrown in jail and it is a long time coming.
You know he loves that girl but I’ve seen this coming. From the time Melisandre said “The God of Light” doesn’t care about Shireen’s greyscale to that sweet moment where Stannis proudly assured her that he loved her and she was his daughter. It was too nice. I just KNOWED it wasn’t going to mean well for the sweet girl.
Although Stannis kicked Melisandre out at the suggestion, you know good and damb well that he’s going to end up doing it. Sacrificing his daughter to conquer Winterfell.
Now, Sam and Gilly doing it. Sex like this doesn’t happen often on Game of Thrones. It seemed consensual, and it was between two people who mutually care about each other. AND it was a transaction where money was exchanged. Sam lost his virginity to Gilly, and it seemed they made love and stuff. Meanwhile, last episode, Sansa got hers taken from her by Ramsay.
Speaking of, POOR SANSA, man. This girl cannot EVER catch a break. I thought last week, with Reek watching her be defiled, that it would light a fire in him to help her avenge the deaths of her family members and of her innocence. I thought it’d tie them together immediately with a common enemy. Instead, his ass is sans balls in every single way. To turn around and betray her by snitching made me wanna scratch his face. I know he did it to protect himself but seriously. Something has to give.
Anyway, on to Tyron and Dany meeting. FINALLY! Since Barristan Selmy is gone, she needs a savvy adviser and here comes the gift. I just wonder how open she’ll be to receiving this. She’s notoriously stubborn and good for making bad decisions. How will she handle this? IDK
So this week’s gratuitous Jon Snow gif:
Anywho, discuss! Those of you who’ve read the Game of Thrones books. SHUT YOUR TRAPS ABOUT SPOILERS TO COME IF YOU’RE COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! Don’t make me fight you and block you from ever commenting here again. That is all. JUST DISCUSS THE SHOW UP TO THIS POINT!