Gahtdambit, Game of Thrones! *fights the air* Let’s just talk about it.
On The Run Tour
Jorah Mormont and Tyrion are whoknowswhere and the Lannister is talking nonstop. He tells Jorah that his father WAS a great leader for the men of the Night’s Watch. Seeing the look on his face lets Tyrion knows that the man had no clue that his father had died. WHOOPS. Umm… sorry?
It even sucks more when he has to tell him that Ser Mormont died at the hands of his own men, during a mutiny. Jorah’s having the worst day ever: getting greyscale AND finding out his dad is dead.
Tyrion asks Jorah why he’s so dedicated to Daenerys and he recalls the story of how she became the Mother of Dragons. She walked into a fire with three eggs and instead of being crisp BBQ, she emerged with three baby dragons. Even the biggest cynic gotta admit that’s some special stuff. He says she’s the rightful heir of the Iron Throne.
The two are headed towards a body of water when they’re accosted by Slavers. Adebisi from Oz (remember him?) is their leader and he wants his men to cut off the penis of the dwarf, because it’s worth a lot of money. As you know, Tyrion can talk his way out of anything, and he saves him and Jorah from immediate death.
Head Slaver: A dwarf’s cock has magic powers.
Tyrion: You can’t just hand a dry cock to a merchant and expect him to pay for it. He has to know it came from a dwarf and how could he know unless he sees the dwarf?
Slaver: It would be a dwarf-size cock.
Tyrion: Guess again.
Head Slaver Adebisi: The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant.
ORLY, Tyrion? Hey boo. I’m just saying. I mean… what? O_O Also, a “cock merchant” is a pretty cool job title. That whole series of lines gives me what I NEED!
Tyrion tells them that they can make money with Jorah. Take him to the fighting pits and let him slay everyone. He is one of the great warriors in the 7 Kingdoms, even though he looks all old now. Don’t get it twisted. Mormont tells them that he has killed a Dothraki bloodrider. HE GOT RECEIPTS, BRO. Keep him alive.
Arya is cleaning dead bodies. When the girl that came for her walks in, she tells her she’s sick of doing this shit and she wants to play the Game. This ain’t what she thought Valar Morghulis bootcamp would be about. The girl tells her the story of how she ended up there, with a story similar to Arya’s. And then asks her if she believes her. Clearly she did, so she ain’t ready for the game!
Jaqen asks Arya who she is and whips her as she tells him her story whenever he can tell she’s lying.. He says she’s lying. “A girl lies, to me, to the many-faced Gods, to herself. Does she truly want to be No One?”
As she’s cleaning the floor, a man walks in with a weakened little girl. He places her by the fountain and comes to Arya to say he wants his daughter to stop suffering. Little Stark goes by the water, tells the girl that she will be healed if she drinks the water, and gives the girl a bowl to drink. Next, Arya is cleaning the little girl’s body and Jaqen shows up. She follows him and he leads her to a great hall with a wall lined with the countless heads of people. Soooo this is where those people she cleans end up. They must be the Many Faces Jaqen takes on. He tells her that she is not really ready to be No One.
“Is a girl ready to give up her ears, her nose, her tongue? Her hopes and dreams, her loves and hates: all that makes a girl who she is forever? No. A girl is not ready to become No One. But she is ready to become someone else.”
Arya ain’t bout that life, yet. So, the House of Black and White is where people come to die and basically donate their heads to be used by Jaqen an’ ’em. Got it.
Lord Baelish has arrived at King’s Landing, where Scientologist Lancel stops him to tell him things have changed. Yeah whatevs. He got business with Cersei so get the hell out his way, homeboy. Littlefinger questions Cersei’s sense in arresting Loras, son of the Tyrells of Highgarden and our gal once again acts like she ain’t have nothing to do with it.
Anywho, what she wants to know is if the knights of Vale fight for the King if war comes. Lysa’s dead now and it’s her spoiled son who calls the shots. Littlefinger assures her that they will.
With that out the way, he tells her that the real reason he showed up is to let her know that Sansa Stark is in Winterfell, and betrothed to Ramsay Bolton. This summabitch. Stannis is riding to conquer Winterfell, and it doesn’t matter who wins because both are enemies of the throne. Littlefinger wants to roll through afterwards with the Knights of Vale to conquer them, and then be named Warden of the North. HOLY SHIT. That’s what he’s playing at. “I’ll know you’re a man of your word when I see Sansa Stark’s head on a spike.” Except nah. I believe Littlefinger’s in love with Sansa, and this play will make him her husband. WOWSIES.
Lady Olenna Tyrell ain’t here for Cersei’s bullshit in arresting her grandson, so she tells Margaery that she will handle it. She goes to see the Dowan Mother, Cersei and tells her to let Loras go. While there, she throws so much shade that there had to be a blackout in King’s Landing that night.
The Queen of Thorns tells her that this Tyrell-Lannister alliance might don’t make it if she keeps him imprisoned and Cersei is all “these veiled threats” ain’t gon work. Olenna the Goon asks “What veil?” This ain’t a threat, bish. This is a promise! The Lannisters ain’t got money no more and it is this partnership with the Tyrells that their army, coins, food come from. They stand to lose a lot. All Cersei says is that Loras isn’t being formally tried yet. All they’re doing is an inquest.
At the inquest, the High Sparrow questions Loras about whether he’s dabbled in Peen Relations and he denies it. Then they call Margaery to testify and she says she has never witnessed her brother loving other men in that way. The damb High Sparrow pulls a Pope move and calls Olyvar out. He’s one of Loras’ lovers and that dude ruins everything by saying Margaery has walked in on them before. And what’s his proof that he’s actually slept with the Heir of Tyrell? He points out that he has a birthmark in the shape of Dorne high on his thigh. SHIT. He got receipts.
So. Loras is going to be formally tried. AND Margaery is arrested for lying. Tommen sits there looking like a lost puppy, Cersei’s smirking and Lady Olenna looks like she wants to snatch the edges off every Lannister she can find. This. Means. WAR.
Prince Trystane Martell of Dorne is in the garden with Myrcella, and he says he’s going to ask if he can marry her the next day. The two are adorable together indeed. Oberyn’s brother looks on with his guard Hota and shows foresight by telling him that he might need to use his spear sooner than later because that combination is dangerous. Lannister and Martell? People will indeed be coming for them.
Bronn and Jamie are dressed in the clothes of the Dornish swordsmen they killed, and riding their horses. So they slip into the water garden easily and unnoticed. Meanwhile, Ellaria Sand reminds her girls about the Martell motto: “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken.” They are to go get Myrcella.
Bronn and Jamie find Myrcella and Trystane and the girl wonders why “Uncle Jamie” is there. He tells her it’s time to go and she says she doesn’t want to. Trystane’s cute and innocent self tries to punch Bronn but he ends up getting knocked out. As Myrcella tends to him, the Sand Snakes show up. A fight ensues between the King’s Landing folks and the Dorne girls and one of them grabs the Lannister girl to take her away.
Right then, the Prince’s men show up and tell everyone to drop their weapons. Bronn, Jamie and the Sand Snakes are taken away.
Sansa is minding her own business in her room when the door knocks and it’s Myranda. She wants to help her draw her bath. NAWL. Ugh. But Sansa lets her in. As the jealous girl washes the black dye from Sansa’s hair so her red can show again, she tells her about all of Ramsay’s other girls. BISH SHARRAP AND JUST CLEAN HER. Our girl shows a little bit of the smarts and badassery I’ve been hoping she has by turning around and saying: “How long have you loved him? I’m Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home and you can’t frighten me.” YESSSS INDEED! She tells Myranda to get out her damb face.
It is time for the wedding, and Sansa is in this delightful cloak with fur on the shoulders and I know Tim Gunn would approve. Theon shows up at her door and says he is there to take her down the aisle. He is so pathetic, shaking his way through everything. Sansa refuses to take his hand or to touch him, and she gives no dambs that Ramsay will punish him.
Theon walks her down the aisle, outside, in the dark, holding a lamp. Ramsay’s eyes are glowing like the little devil he is, and Sansa begrudgingly says “I take this man.”
GAAAHHHH I HATE HIS FACE SO MUCH.
Myranda is watching, mad as hell that it ain’t her. Afterwards, in the bedroom, Ramsay asks Sansa if she’s really a virgin, and she says yes. Mind you, Theon is standing by the door. He goes to leave and the bastard Bolton tells him to stay. “You’ve known Sansa since she was a girl. Now watch her become a woman.”
He tells Sansa to take off her clothes, and she isn’t doing it fast enough. So he rips them off her, and we see her face press down on the bed. The camera pans to Reek’s face, as tears fall down them and Sansa’s cries echo around the walls.
Bowed. Bent. Broken.
And my heart breaks into pieces for her innocence. And I want to fight everyone and everything because she didn’t deserve that. And in the Game of Thrones, there are no real winners. Life sucks sometimes.
In summary: Ramsay gotta die. Cersei gotta die. Save Tyrion. KILL EVERYONE, ARYA!
I need Ramsay’s death to be ESPECIALLY slow, torturous and vicious. He needs to suffer for a while before he can be lucky enough to meet death. He needs to feel Reek’s pain 1,000 times over and then somehow, death will come. But it must be SLOWWWWW. He makes Joffrey Baratheon look like Elmo. HE. MUST. SUFFER. Valar Morghulis. Especially the Boltons.
Now, on to Cersei, who should know better. SHOULD is the keyword here. Why is she feeling so froggy and protected right now? She’s putting a lot of weight on the Sparrows but she is giving giants papercuts and when they saw her hand off, she’s going to be surprised. Olenna Tyrell is going to shake all the tables because now her grandson AND granddaughter are in jail. Cersei’s cruel but not clever and her comeuppance will be so correct and I cannot wait.
Did they have to do that to Sansa, doe?? I’m so sad for her. If there’s a wedding on Game of Thrones, there is guaranteed tragedy. Sheesh.
We didn’t see Jon Snow this week. That doesn’t mean we don’t get a gratuitous GIF of our bae:
Anywho, discuss! Those of you who’ve read the Game of Thrones books. SHUT YOUR TRAPS ABOUT SPOILERS TO COME IF YOU’RE COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! Don’t make me fight you and block you from ever commenting here again. That is all. JUST DISCUSS THE SHOW UP TO THIS POINT!