On a scale of the Oscars to I Don’t Even Mind That Much That This Show is Longer Than Some Marriages, the 2015 BET Awards was an 8. I looked at my recaps of past years’ BET Awards and I saw that I’ve actually really enjoyed most of them. It is time for me to admit that the BET Awards is one of my favorite award shows, if not THEE favorite.
It’s the one that doesn’t make me want to to slide out of my chair in boredom by hour 3, partly because they always do some throwback thing I appreciate and partly because there’s no way you can be bored when Twitter turns it into the Dirty Dozens Anniversary of the year. Either way, this is the show on television that spurs FOMO (fear of missing out).
As is my tradition, my recap is in form of questions. I also realized this when I reviewed my other recaps of the show.
* Why did I already know I would know about 4 people who would perform during the awards show? During the pre-show, I spent most of the time wondering who the hell everyone was, because my favorite pasttime is yelling at people to get off my lawn. This is when I learned that there was someone named Silento. Apparently, he’s responsible for the Nae Nae. And he had on a leather jacket in 80 degree Los Angeles heat like it makes sense.
* Why was Bryshere Gray (aka Yazz the Greatest) from Empire on the red carpet in a neon green blazer? He looked like a sour apple popsicle. Or those long phallic-looking popsicles you buy from the paletta man and you gotta use your teeth to open it and you end up losing the battle so you go track down scissors to cut it sideways so you can enjoy its sweet, cold goodness. He looked so delicious and appetizing.
* Why was Bobby Valentino dressed in the tightest most extra schmedium white ensemble? He looked like his magic carpet ran late and he needed a whole new alphet. Ol’ Aladdin on his wedding day looking ass. Others said he looked like a white power ranger.
Either way, I am impressed by how a man who is already extra small manages to consistently find clothes that are far too small for him. It’s like he goes out his way to make sure he’s rocking the finest in Children’s Place Haute Couture.
* Why do I root for Lil Mama so hard? I really do. I think she’s probably nice but as an artist, there’s something that just doesn’t curl all the way over. Her pre-show performance of her song “Sausage” gets an E for effort. Also, she was wearing my favorite color. The Say Something Nice Challenge is here and you’re welcome. Also, please clap for Doug E. Fresh, for always showing up where he’s needed, even if its next to Lil Mama. That is admirable. Although, I was a little embarrassed as he beat boxed behind a troop of kids who were standing behind Lil Mama. I wondered if he was wondering in that moment how he got there. Bless.
* Why did the try to make Jhene Aiko fetch happen for us by playing whatever music video that was? She makes me so sleepy, y’all, because she makes music for newborns with colic. There’s nothing wrong with her voice or anything. It’s just so bore. When I said this last night, her stans rolled into her mentions to tell me about my self. All 2 of them were so mad at me, bruh. Aawww.
* Why do I still not know what 2Chainz looks like after all these years? He was slated to perform and I thought he was the one with the sparse braids on his scalp. I was informed that it was some fella named Travis Scott. I was told that the gentleman in the poncho was 2Chainz and I wondered why he was dressed like an offensive Halloween costume that Pepe Le Pew would put on if he tried to go as Speedy Gonzales.
I don’t understand people.
The BET Awards
* Is Kendrick Lamar everyone’s favorite? I assume so because folks were excited for his opening set. I didn’t hate it so that’s good.
* Why do I love Anthony Anderson and Tracee Ellis Ross together so much? They have such great chemistry and should host more things together. I did almost see Anthony’s moose knuckle as he was in that leotard and I’m not sure if I’m ok with that.
Their opening monologue was hilarious too.
* Why was I so happy to see Terrence Howard without his moist curls? YESSSS!!! He won the Best Actor award and kept his speech short. I especially appreciate that. @MissZindzi said he always sound like someone’s grandma getting emotional in church. I HOLLERED.
* UMMMMM… why didn’t nobody inform me that Diggy Simmons got grown and FAHN?!? He got on the mic and that bass voice and his adult face. LISTEN. He is 20 years old so I have the right to objectify the hell outta him. DIGGY GOT DAPPER.
* Why can Janelle Monae do no wrong in my eyes??? She is hella bae to me.
I dont’ even care that she tried to moonwalk in wedge sneakers and couldn’t. BET NOBODY SAY NOTHING BAD ABOUT MISS MONAE! NAWL! Meanwhile, her protege Jidenna dresses like every man in DC at the club who has a fake job on The Hill. His 3-piece suit realness is so tight. Everyone agrees that he is clearly Bird from Five Heartbeats and this is not up for debate.
I would not be able to do an entire concert with Jidenna, doe. His music is totally great for a quiet night at home, doe, as you do your chores.
* Why is Nicki Minaj’s mom so beautiful?? Aawww! When Onika won an award and she slid out her chair (because she couldn’t stand cuz her dress was so tight) and she brought a lady on stage, I woulda never guessed that was her mom. Mama Minaj is FAHN!!!
* Who thought the entire cast of The Game shoulda been on stage? That was one of the awkward moments of the night. But it was good to see Derwin (Poo Hall) show up. He announced that him and Melanie (Tia Mowry) would be back for the show’s finale. I might actually have to tune in for that.
* How much roasting could one do during a set with Chris Brown, Tyga and Omarion? So much. SO. MUCH. Did anyone else side-eye Chris Brown throughout his performance? His exes were in the audience (both Rihanna and Karfuffle), and he seemed to be giving his all. I bet he kept looking where Rihanna was sitting to see if she gives a damb about his performance. Y’all know BET is petty as hell so they definitely panned the camera to Ri-Ri right before the set ended. I love it. But yeah, Tyga ain’t shit so there’s that. Moving on!
* Is The Weeknd’s power of falsetto in those clumpy locs of his? They must be. Also, is his hair the reason why people exclaim at me about how nice my locs look? They are just sitting on his scalp looking like struggle. And what key was Alicia Keys on? I love her but she lost all her keys yesterday. Her car keys, the keys to her front door, the ones to her safety deposit box…
* Why did I holler so loudly when Anthony Anderson accepted Sam Smith’s award for “Best New Artist” with “Sam Smith isn’t here tonight cuz he’s white?” Yo… I straight cackled. Also, I’m wondering why he was up for a BET Award, but I’ma let that slide, I guess. I’m just feeling like I don’t wanna be inclusive on our shit right now so… WTF? But I’ma chill.
* Was Lenny Kravitz in the audience? Because I wanted him to nod at Kelly Rowland when she was onstage to give her the signal to start twirling so her dress could catch flame as it lifts her off stage. I loved it and was wishing her luck in the Hunger Games because she is the chosen one.
* Why was Rihanna the REAL MVP of the night? At one point, she put duct tape on Floyd Mayweather’s mouth and I wanted to kiss her on the mouth for her humanitarian work. I don’t even care what the context was but anytime someone finds a way to make that asshat STFU, I rejoice.
* Who told Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe that it was okay for them to be that attractive and that nice? They are one of my favorite Hollywood couples. AND Boris happens to be one of maybe 5 men in Hollywood who is actually over 6 feet tall. Talk about breaking the mold. God must have spent a little more time on him.
* What is a Bad Boy reunion without Dylan the Greatest spitting that hot fiyah? AN INCOMPLETE ONE! Nevertheless, the Bad Boy Reunion set was EVERYTHING! I got my whole entire 90s-loving life! Not only was it the first time in the night where I was able to sing along to the songs but it was so right how many people from the old crew Puff Daddy Diddy went and dug up from the Basement. Mase, Faith Evans, 112, the Lox, LITTLE KIMBERLY!!! When she popped out of the hole that Puffy had just fallen in, I was so hyped I almost tipped my laptop over.
I aint ever been this happy to see
Fai Mulan Lil Kim! “Wanna rumble with the bee huh? Put a hex on the whole family. Dressed in all black like an omen…” I was rocking!
But let’s go back to the Fall Seen Around the World. Mannn… Diddy was walking and alla sudden disappeared. I waiting for the moment for someone to trip on the sliding walkway before the night was over and I just prayed that they recovered with dignity intact. What we got was even better and it was so right. It was symbolic. Diddy fell into the Bad Boy Basement he’s placed his past artists, even if only for a moment.
Anywho, I got my life seeing the shiny suit men reunited like that. I’d totally go to a concert where the only thing I’d hear is 90s Bad Boy music. Can they make this happen? That might be the ONLY time I’d stand up an entire concert. Puffy is clearly outta shape because he could barely breathe afterwards. Maybe he should use some of those Ciroc bottles as weights sometimes.
But let’s take a moment to watch the fall again.
When Diddy got back on stage to present Smokey Robinson’s Lifetime Achievement award, he could barely read the teleprompter. And then he congratulated himself on 20 years of Bad Boy Records AS HE WAS PRESENTING A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD to a man who has been in the business for 60 years! Perspective, bro. You need to haz it.
* Why didn’t I know about Tori Kelly this whole time? She came through and SANG in honor of Smokey. Then Ne-Yo showed up too because he has never found a tribute he won’t do. And then Robin Thicke came to sang his apologies to us. It was a nice way to honor ol’ Twinkle Eyes Smokey.
* Why is Smokey Robinson the ultimate cat daddy? He showed up wearing the shiny version of Jidenna’s outfit and got onstage to tell all the young whipper snappers what he knows. He even wove it all into a prayer and I tried to bow my head but I wanted to tweet at the same time. He took his sweet time too, and everyone dealt because you can’t rush old folks.
Old people do NOT care about your ad times or broadcast hours. Any tribute to anyone over 70. Pad 10 minutes for their speech. I do appreciate him for this wisdom, though, some of which seemed directed at Diddy, who he had behind him holding his award. He finished it with “You’re not the end of the line so don’t be so full of yourselves.” I caught that word and put it in my favorite purse.
Smokey then got the mic and treated us to “Tracks of my Tears” (one of my favorite songs), “Cruising Together” and “My Girl.” Boris and Nicole were in the audience slow dancing and my youngold ass was swaying back and forth because this is my type of concert.
* Must I admit that Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill are really adorable? They performed together and there was a 30 second span where they were holding hands and you could tell they were in their own world and I was like “DAMMUT THAT IS SO SWEET.”
* Was Keyshia Cole parched to promote her album? Yes, yes she was. Her and Monica presented an award and she told us TWICE that her album is coming out “independently.” Girl, ok. We know what that means. You gon be taking orders via PayPal. Do you, boo.
* Why am I convinced that Terrence Howard really is Lucious Lyon? He introduced Jamal (Jussie Smollett) and Hakeem (Bryshere Gray) and was in the audience looking like he was checking for them to perform right. They did too. I got to hear DRIP DROP DRIP DRIPPITY DROP! And then Jussie performed “You’re so beautiful” interrupting to speak that GOOD word.
“We live in a nation where freedom is what we represent, yet we are still fighting every day for the basic freedoms of all of our people. Let the Supreme Court ruling be proof of how far we have come. Let the deaths of sisters and brothers be proof of how far we have to go. No one is free until we are all free. Stand for love.”
YESSSSSSS SIR!!! Speak on all of that.
* Where’s Wallace, String? Why will I always call Michael B. Jordan “Wallace” like he ain’t all growed up now and looking like Almond Joy? Yummm. I loved that the BET awards took the time to recognize #BlackLivesMatter and the Emanuel Nine. That was needed and I am glad they did it. And I am especially glad they picked Michael Bae Jordan to do it. Because: eye candy.
* Why was Big Sean’s set the pettiest of the night? Well, because his “I Don’t Fuck Wth You” song is everyone’s chance to be passive aggressive. Everybody who was dancing REALLY hard to it got an ex they wanted to send a message to. Chris Brown was especially jigging his life so hard to #IDFWU, with his Petty Rubble ass. NAWL, Breezy. They ain’t fugging with YOU.
* How much did I love Tom Joyner’s speech? A lot. He was given the Humanitarian Award for the work of the Tom Joyner Foundation and it was definitely deserving. He spoke about how important it is to save and sustain Black colleges and universities as well as Black media. Absolutely, sir. I didn’t go to an HBCU but I think they need to remain because we need spaces in education where we can be unapologetically Black.
I just wanna go to a Tom Joyner cruise at least once in my life because I got some white linen pants I wanna stunt on people with. I already got those sandals that your fave uncle grills with. You know the ones with the cutouts? I own a pair so I’ma SLAY on the cruise. Maybe 2016.
* Why was I so ready for the Janet Jackson tribute? Maybe because by that point, the show was so long that I bet Anthony Anderson had to re-shave to keep a 10pm shadow from creeping up. Ciara was made for this moment, and she did pretty well.
Can’t nobody BE Janet but she was decent. She even had the Janet toussled soft curls hairhat going. All I know is I am buying Black combat boots and cargo pants today! Because I’m impressionable. And Rhythm Nation.
In what seemed to be the middle of the tribute, Janet walked out looking like a Goddess in all white against everyone in black. I legit screamed! JANET!!!!!! QUEEN DAMITA!!! LOOKING LIKE PEACE AND LOVE EVERLASTING. BLACK NOT DARING TO CRACK. Our boo accepted her Ultimate Icon award by thanking her fans for always showing her love, as the essence of contentment from billionaire bae came through her pores. Joe and Katherine Jackson were in the audience looking on too. It was special. I was happy. Although, I was lowkey hoping she’d lean into the mic and whisper sing one tune. It’s ok, doe. Lemme not be greedy.
Chile, I was tah’d at this point so I switched off my TV, promising to independently release my recap on this blog. But then I missed the Tamar and K.Michelle performance. The only reason I bothered to even look it up is because I was told Auntie Patti LaBelle joined them for a good squall so I caught the clip on BET.com
I am not sure what was happening with Tamar’s mascara. Her eyelashes looked like spiders and I did not understand. My girl Ngwa asked why K.Michelle is shaped like a calabash and I said it’s because she bought her yansh with a coupon code. Go google “calabash” and come back. Yup. You’re welcome. How they decided to add Patti to this lineup is beyond me because the “we ain’t beefing no more” performance should not have had anything to do with her. I mean, don’t get me wrong.
I’m ALWAYS happy to see Miss Patti so I don’t mind but that was random of them.
Yes, I learned Fetty Wap wrapped the show. No, I didn’t check it out. I don’t know what a Fetty Wap is. I’m not calling no grown man Fetty Wap.
Anywho, that was a dope show. I had a good time watching it. I see you outchea, BET. I SEE YOU.
What did y’all think of the show? Did you enjoy? Did you also only know 2 songs? Let’s discuss.