What is life? What is air? Nothing matters anymore. I am not ok. I am not alright. I AM NOT FUCKING OKAY!!! It’s been a full day and I am still distraught. I have never in the history of ever been so upset at anything on television. If you have not watched the season finale of season 5 of Game of Thrones, go away. Stop here. Save yourself. Because I need to wail. I need to let my grief out with my fellow GoT watchers who feel my pain.
HOW ARE THEY GON KILL JON SNOW?!?!? HOW, SWAY?!? That was bae, yo. He was so bae to me and now he got killed by his own people. I don’t even. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANYTHING?!? seriously. What is the point?? GEORGE RR MARTIN!!! WHY DO YOU DO THIS???? WHY DO YOU HATE NICE THINGS? WHY MUST WE CRY?!?
But for real. What is the point of Game of Thrones? What is the end game? Who is there to root for (besides Tyrion)? Shit, the white walkers can run through and kill every gahtdamb body in Westeros for all I care. The entire 7 kingdoms can be burnt up by Drogon and his bad ass brother dragons now. I’ONT CURR. HOPE DIED. Hope is dead. I am hurt. If Jon is dead, I don’t even see why anything needs to live. I mean it.
Like for real. I’m pissed. I take this personally. WHY DID JON HAVE TO DIE? How does this push the story forward? Shit. I’m ready to go pitch a tent on the producers of the show’s lawn because the way this heartbreak is set up. I need them to feel my pain.
Ugh. Anyway, let me get into the rest of the show. I’m not done talmbout Jon, doe.
The snow is melting and Melisandre thinks it’s good news from the sacrifice of Princess Shireen. She’s all geeked to tell Stannis and just when she does, one of his men tell him that half of the soldiers and sellswords left in the middle of the night with all the horses. Why fight for a man wiling to burn his own daughter at the stake? Oh AND… they take him to a tree in the woods where his wife is hanging from a rope. She watched her daughter die and even though she wasn’t much of a nurturing mother, that clearly killed her a little so she finished the job. Stannis ain’t got no men, no wife, and no daughter. Then to add insult to injury, Melisandre herself leaves him. What now? Well, what else but to march forward. TO WINTERFELL. With all four of his soldiers. SMDH.
As Stannis an’ ‘em arrive outside Winterfell, they are met by a large Bolton army with horses. Clearly, death said today is the day for them.
As this is happening, Podrick runs to tell Brienne, who is posted up watching the tall tower in case Sansa turns on a light. As she goes with her squire to see about Stannis, Sansa reaches the tower and lights a candle. Gahtdambit!
Well come to find out ALL of Stannis’ men have been slaughtered and he’s wounded and looking pitiful as hell sitting against a tree. Then Brienne walks up and says she knows he used blood magic to kill Renly. So… it is her duty to take his life. He’s resigned to it and does not fight as she puts up her sword to hack his head. We don’t get to see him die, though as the camera cuts away to Sansa. She’s running through the castle when she walks right into Myranda, who holds a bow and arrow to Lady Stark’s chest. Reek is behind her and she wants to make Sansa suffer even more. Our girl is basically all “whatever death” as Myranda pulls her arrow. She misses, because Theon has found some nerve even though he ain’t got no balls, and he hits Myranda. He then throws her over the balcony and the girls makes a SPLAT on the ground.
Now they’ve REALLY done some shit. He grabs Sansa and they run to the top of the building, realizing that Ramsay is coming back. If they stay, they will be totured so there is only one option: run away. Theon grabs Sansa’s hand as they look down to see a floor covered with snow and they jump!
Ser Meryn is in the brothel and he has chosen 3 very young girls to spend the night with. What does he do? He whips them all and they start crying. All but one of them. He sends the other 2 away just so he can break the 3rd one and as he starts to whip her, she attacks him. She gouges his eyes out with her knife and walks around him as blood splatters out. She pulls her face off and it’s Arya! She even lets him know who she is right before she slices his throat. DAMMMBBBB!!! Little Stark is now a killing machine.
She sneaks into the Hall of Faces and replaces the face she stole but Jaqen and the girl who stays coming for her are right there. She got away with nothing. They tell her that she is not ready and she killed someone who was not hers to kill. She took a life that was not hers to take just because she wanted revenge for him killing her fighting teacher.
Jaqen tells her “you pay for death with life” and downs the poisonous potion he had given her to use to kill the man in the market. He dies immediately and she’s weeping because that was her Valar Morghulis Bootcamp mentor. The girl asks her why she’s upset, and transforms into Jaqen. WHHAAA? Well, the Many Faces God can truly be No One. She looks down on the body on the floor and it has a different face. She keeps pulling faces off and all of a sudden, she sees her own. Just then, her pupils turn white and her vision fades. Arya is blind.
Jamie is all set to leave Dorne with Myrcella, Prince Trystane and Bronn. He says his goodbye and even Ellaria plays nice. She walks up to Myrcella and apologizes for that whole trying to get her killed. She kisses the girl on her lips as the Sand Snakes look on. Bronn and Tyene even have a kinky goodbye when the girl bites his ears a little. You know he didn’t wanna leave.
As they all set sail, Jamie and Myrcella are in the basement of the ship and he admits to her that he’s actually her father. Because that is the worst kept secret in the history of ever, Myrcella says she already knows and she’s really glad he’s her father. They share the cutest hug since Shinree and Stannis and I knew trouble was afoot. Within 10 seconds, the girl starts bleeding from her nose. She collapses in Jamie’s arms, dead.
Meanwhile, Ellaria watches the ship go further away, and her nose starts to bleed. She reaches in her frock and pulls out a small capsule and takes it to the head: the antidote to the poison. She walks away with the Sand Snakes, satisfied that she killed a Lannister. Damb.
Tyrion, Jorah and Daario are in Meereen wondering where Drogon flew Daenerys to. Tyrion points out that he seems to have gone North. Either way, they need to find her because this city is already falling apart and now the Queen is gone. Just then, Missandei and Grey Worm (who is still injured) walk in. Everyone’s trying to go on this rescue mission but nawl. Tyrion’s biggest skill is talking and that might not come in too handy.
Grey Worm is not 100% yet so he can’t even fight well. And Missandei is a confidante for Dany, not a fighter. All three of them must stay behind and help rule Meereen. “You want to prove your value, prove it right here in Meereen.” Grey Worm has the trust of the people, Missandei knows Dany very well and Tyrion’s wit and cleverness will come in handy there. So that leaves Jorah and Daario to go find the Mother of Dragons and her dragon Drogon.
Tyrion stands on the palace balcony and watches the 2 men set off when Varys just emerges outta nowhere. WELCOME BACK! These two have great banter and this is no different. Long story short, Varys and his troop of spies will be great assets to Tyrion as he tries to keep Meereen from swallowing itself. “You need to learn which of your friends are not your friends.”
He meant it when he told Varys “I did miss you.” I’ve missed them too.
On the Run Tour
Dany is on a hill somewhere overlooking green glass, and her clothes that used to be white are now a chic blue-gray from the smoke from Drogon. The dragon is not trying to move, even as she beckons for him to take them back to Meereen. He’s lowkey hurt because those Sons of Harpy did get some spears into him. He is not moving or finding food for them. He just seems to want to nap. He’s basically me on Mondays.
Dany is hungry so she ventures off by herself when all of a sudden, she sees men on horses. She drops the ring she’s wearing as they circle her (probably to leave a clue for when her people come looking for her). They’re the Dothraki men, Khal Drogo’s people. Aw shit. Dany, you in danger girl.
Cersei is all locked up and they won’t let her out without a confession so she decides to come clean to the High Sparrow. The lady with the ladel (HA!) takes her to him and she admits to sleeping with her cousin Lancel. She denies sleeping with Jamie, her brother and she swears to it. The Head Scientologist says she can go home to Red Keep if she atones for her sins, thanks to Mother’s Mercy and she agrees.
While sitting on a stool butt nekkid, Cersei gets her hair chopped off by the Scientology nuns. She’s rocking a hacked short cut as they take her to the King’s Landing square and strip her naked. She has to walk to the palace, surrounded by Sparrows but amidst regular people. Off she goes, and the ladle lady is behind her saying “shame” as she rings a bell.
When she starts walking, Cersei is clean and naked. She’s clearly vulnerable but she holds her head up. The crowd starts off kinda meek but with every step she takes, the insults get harsher, and people are even trying to physically hurt her. The people of King’s Landing throw food and random liquids at her. People spit in her face and the walk of shame is as pitiful as it can be. Never did I think I’d feel bad for Cersei Lannister but I could not help it.
Her feet were bleeding and she was covered with all sorts of things. That was some next level type humiliation that would make you feel bad for even your worst enemy.
Cersei’s knees buckle as she sees the gate of the palace and limps her way in, naked and beaten down. As she wobbles in, Qyburn covers her with a blanket. And SURPRISE! She has a new goon at her disposal: a red-eyed, armored up big dude who picks her up to take her to be cleaned. This is the Mountain, Frankensteined up and clearly sub-human. Apparently, he shall not rest until all her enemies pay.
ALL them Scientologists are about to get it!
Jon and Sam are drinking to the fact that can’t nobody stand none of their asses up at that Wall. Being a friend of the Wildlings does not make you popular at all. BUT on a good note, Sam lost his virginity and it pleases Jon. “At least the end of the world is being good to someone.” Tamwell asks his friend for a favor. He wants to be sent to Old Town, where the Citadel (world’s largest library) is to become a Maester. He is not a fighter and he and his new family (Gilly and Baby Sam) will die on that Wall. Jon doesn’t want him to go because: bromance but he knows his friend is more useful as a reader than a swordsman so he bids him adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Sam leaves but who shows up? Melisandre, looking downtrodden and dejected. She made Stannis kill his daughter for some false promise and what happened? FAIL. Ser Davos sees her and asks about Princess Shireen and she doesn’t even look at him. Sorry, dawg. She dead.
That night, Jon is in his office looking SKRESSED when Olly comes in and says one of the Wildlings said he knows the whereabouts of his uncle Benjen. He rushes out his office and is circled by the Men of the Night’s Watch. There’s a wooden cross on the wall that says “TRAITOR” and Jon realizes he has been bamboozled. Ser Alliser Thorne the complete hater kicks it off with a stab to Jon’s stomach, saying “For the Watch.” Then another man, and another. Finally, Jon is on his knees in pain when Olly comes up. The Bastard of Winterfell looks into his Steward’s eyes and says “Olly…” and the boy puts the final stab in. Jon Snow, the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, falls on his back with his eyes wide open as blood blackens the white snow.
And my heart breaks into tiny little pieces and life lost meaning and here I am, one day later still mourning because they just killed bae. Fuck everything. Seriously.
I know the end of the last book written by George RR Martin played this scene out too so to book readers, this was a longtime coming. To the rest of us, we are in complete shock. People are theorizing that Jon will be resurrected by the Red Woman, who happened to show up to the Wall on that day. And we’ve seen from season 3 that people can be resurrected from the dead. However, will she bring Jon back? I am surely hoping the hell so but it’s not looking good especially since Kit Karrington has given a couple of interviews where he is adamant that his character is gone, not to be resurrected or none of that. The show’s producers have also been pretty strong about it. For some reason, I believe it because Game of Thrones is not known for unbreaking our hearts. It just isn’t.
George RR Martin and D&D of the TV show have made it clearer than clear that the books and the show are 2 different entities. They have the same endgame but different paths to get there. This is why even though George might bring Jon back in the books, the TV show isn’t guaranteed to do the same.
BUT THAT WOULD MAKE NO SENSE! So much is riding on Jon Snow being the Son of Fire and Ice. He has been the closest thing to a central character in a show that disposes of them like they were never there. We have spent 5 seasons watching him grow and step into his role as a hero just to see him die in the snow.
We’ve theorized R+L=J to death. We’ve thought about him partnering with Tyrion, Dany and the three dragons to save Westeros from the White Walkers. I’ve imagined joyful reunion with his sisters, all for that to end on one snowy night on the Wall. What it the point of him killing a White Walker with his sword? Like… what about R + L = J? What about the dragon with three heads? If Jon is dead, everything people cared about and theorized on is basically moot and irrelevant.
THIS. MAKES. NO. SENSE. I need a shirt that says “Team White Walkers” if he’s really gone because I need them goons to decimate Westeros. Because NOTHING MATTERS. Ugh.
Where was his direwolf, Ghost? Doesn’t he sense when his boy is in danger? How did he drop that ball so tough?? Ugh. Lemme talk about other things, doe.
Soooo Arya is now blind for real? Like… she really lost her eyesight for killing Ser Meryn and breaking the rules of the House of Black and White? Well shit. Those Starks cannot ever catch a break.
Shoutout to Theon for finally getting out his caged mind to save Sansa. Running away with her really ties them together now but that jump from the top of the castle seemed really far. I hope they made it without injury but the way this show is set up… they probably both died or are paralyzed. Because we can never have nice things ever.
I need Jamie to turn that damb boat around and go right back to Dorne to snitch on Ellaria for killing is Daughter-Niece. Ellaria gotta die, man. For real. This vengeance thing isn’t even fair because Oberyn VOLUNTEERED himself as tribute and then pranced around before finishing the job. They didn’t kill him randomly. She’s so petty, man.
But yeah… Jon Snow gone. Bae is dead. I had to make him a fitting fune program.
Ok, now discuss.