TV

The Maury Povich Show is a National Treasure

I googled and it says the Maury Povich show first aired on September 9, 1991. That show is only 6 years younger than me. WOWSIES. I just wanted to do an ode to one of the funniest, most foolery-filled shows on television. Even to this day, Maury is unfuggwitable because he is an enabler of shenanigans.

Maury Povich

Yesterday, we found out that Abstinence Ambassador and shirker of pre-marital sex, Bristol Palin, is pregnant with her second child. I’m not mad at her because I think her own mother is the one thrusting all this “no sex” thing at her. The girl just wants to get her cookies off. I just don’t want to see her on Maury talmbout “I THOUGHT IT WAS HIMMM” on a quest for who the father of her child is. Or do I? That would make for a good ass show.

I thoroughly enjoy Maury’s show for the characters that come on and act like they skipped every biology class they were supposed to take in middle and high school. They are forever flabbergasted at the “HE IS NOT THE FATHER” that Maury reads off, as if it was a definite when they know good and damb well they slept with more than that joker they just trotted on stage in the month they got knocked up.

I am especially a fan of when they’re told that the dummy in the shirt buttoned up to his throat is not the daddy. Homegirl will sprint backstage past the elevators before hitting that *wall slide* and bawl about how she just knew he was the daddeh.

Maury Run out Building 1 Maury Run out Building 2

This woman ran clean the hell out the building. LMAOOOOO!!! Her FitBit musta been pleased on that day. All those steps.

The poor cameraman follows them, running and shooting steadily. Maury’s camera men prolly gotta interview for the job by sprinting with a large camera on their shoulders. You need to run and shoot. RUN AND SHOOT.

Then Maury joins the sobbing woman backstage to assure her that he will not give up hope. I love me some Maury because he is so optimistic even in the face of Lost Love Pockets. “It’s ok, Jennifer. We will help you you find little Shittake’s daddy.” NAWL. Meanwhile, Cornell is on stage doing cartwheels and pumping his chest like he just won a wrestling match. I cackle every single time.

This one's mama joined him to celebrate,

This one’s mama joined him to celebrate,

After all that “LOOK AT HIS LEFT NOSTRIL, MAURY! HE IS THE FATHER. MAURY. I KNOW IT’S HIM. HE IS THE DADDY. THEY GOT THE SAME EARLOBE.” Maury be like: “Did you sleep with anyone else?” “NAWL, MAURY! I SWEAR.” Girl, bye. Science says you a bold ass lie.

The guys on Maury are equally ridiculous, though. “MAURY. I KNOW I AIN’T THE DADDY. I PULLED OUT.” Sir, if you don’t get your goofass out the paint!

“I know I’m not the daddy, Maury. I didn’t even finish. Because I slept with her mother before I even saw her!” What’s that gotta do with the price of condoms in Amsterdam, fool??

“MAURY! THAT BABY CAN’T BE MINE. HIS HEAD TOO BIG.” Or “I don’t even make girls! AIN’T ONE GIRL ON MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY.”

“How are you sure this baby isn’t yours, Vesuvius?” “BECAUSE I TRICKED HER. I DIDN’T REALLY COME.” All of this comes before they assure him “I TAKE CARE OF MINES, MAURY.” And they always got braids past the point of age acceptability.

This actually happened. I can't.

This actually happened. I can’t.

Meanwhile, I’m at home crying laughing. Where do they find these idiots?? These intergalactic imbeciles. I don’t know how Maury gets through his shows without falling out his chair laughing. I really don’t understand his magic powers.

I still remember the Maury show when a woman brought her 12th man to get tested to find out who was her son’s daddy. #12 was not it. I was like now YOU have done the most. How are you gonna bring 12 men?? Is your Love Pocket involved in a DNA spades game? Why is the paternity of your children 12 and a possible? Maury’s ol’ petty ass was like “we will help you find him.” WHERE, MAURY?!? If man #12 ain’t it, I’d just have to tell you to let it go. She even told him that the only other option was dead. Chile… I was THROUGH.

I was talmbout this on Twitter and so many people remembered this Maury legend. Her name is Marisol and she #minuswell be an employee of the show now because it turns out that she’s actually on #16 now. YouTube is where many blessings flow so I found that episode and got my LIFE for all 7 minutes of it. Watch:

Well, good for her. She found 1 out of 16 who actually fathered one of her kids. And of course the child’s name is Sha’Diamond. OF COURSE. Marisol is more ran through than a football arena. Bless her. I’m not mad at her for loving sex but all she had to do was keep a calendar. You better create a Google Calendar for your conquests. Hell. Keep track. THAT’S ALL. And use condoms. Lawdt.

I need them to do a “best of Maury Povich Show” DVD set. I might buy it. Just for the exercise inspiration alone from the backstage runs. The Maury Povich show is a national treasure.

Let me leave you with one more celebratory “you are NOT the father” dance. Learn some new moves for the next party you attend. You’re welcome!

Maury dance machine

The Maury Povich Show an anthology of fuckshit and it must stay on air forever.

P.S. I’m so sad the person behind HolyMauryMotherofGod Tumblr shut it down. It was my absolute fave. Their work in the anthropology of Maury’s mess was so important.

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45 Comments

  1. dallasdrummerchick
    June 26, 2015 at 9:48 am

    Can we get some love for the lie detector tests, Luvvie? That is a completely different post in and of itself.

    • June 26, 2015 at 9:52 am

      Yes, that is indeed a post unto itself.

    • Rachael Taylor
      June 26, 2015 at 5:20 pm

      I remember is it a man or a woman pagent? LOL. ” He has an atoms apple! ” Then it’s a woman. LOL

      • tan
        June 28, 2015 at 3:19 pm

        BOL bruh!!! Anyone Asian was a man. Fine AF, but a man nonetheless

  2. June 26, 2015 at 10:28 am

    Don’t even get me started on those pre-interviews with the potential fathers where they be standing behind wire fences or deserted outdoor basketball courts and they are always yelling! But Maury my homeboy though. I use to make my class schedule around his show when I was in college so I could get my daily dose of foolery.

    • jimmy
      June 27, 2015 at 12:48 pm

      Why did you mention the creative landscape like they were shooting for bogus Vogue? I can’t stop picturing it. Good times Maury….good times.

  3. Kierah
    June 26, 2015 at 10:31 am

    ” Is your Love Pocket involved in a DNA spades game? Why is the paternity of your children 12 and a possible?”

    BWAHHAHHHAHHAA!!
    I done died this Friday. Hopefully I’ll resurrect on Sunday like the Father’s Son.

  4. M
    June 26, 2015 at 10:35 am

    I should be shamed that I know this off the bat. Marisol’s 16th test revealed who the father of her 5th baby (a boy) was. Test never revealed who Sha’Diamond’s daddy was. She found one other son daddy so she 2/5 on her way!

    • Nicole
      June 26, 2015 at 3:36 pm

      Yes you should be ashamed for having these facts! LMBO but I appreciate you for knowing it because Maury trivia is entertaining as hell!

  5. Chiquita
    June 26, 2015 at 10:38 am

    That clip gave me LIFE!!!! and would get me fired for LMFAO if anyone was actually here in the office besides me.
    I wanted to fight Reggie Reg though on the crack about if he the daddy he ‘gon be mad ’cause he have to explain it to peoples. Boy stay seated. You a hoe and others know it. Don’t be mad if you the daddy there is now proof in the form of a wee little one. I say #ownyourhoeness

  6. Lisa
    June 26, 2015 at 10:39 am

    Not “more ran through than a football arena”. You got me cackling over here. I live for your posts. They give me life.

  7. Tracey
    June 26, 2015 at 11:29 am

    Well damn! Does Marisol roof herself, in that she can’t remember who she slept with after each baby? AND she’s been looking for 13 years?!
    Girl you do too much…waaaaaaay too much

  8. Niki
    June 26, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    “Is your Love Pocket involved a DNA spades game? Why is the paternity of your children 12 and a possible?”

    Luvvie, you can’t have me cacklin’ so hard I’m struggling for air in my cube at work!!!

  9. CocoaShas
    June 26, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    “Her fit bit musta been pleased on that day. All those steps.” I’m in literal tears crying…this is funny as hell, I adore you…

  10. NiHi
    June 26, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    I watched one where the guy was number whatever and the girl always ran off the stage when she heard “he is NOT the father.” So the new guy she had tested told Maury “when she tries to run past you Maury … trip her”. I also saw a variety show where this white female comic spoofed Maury with a “That is NOT my baby” skit. The father was trying to prove she was the mother of his baby. One of her MANY defenses for not being the mother was “I can’t be the mama Maury, we did it in the butt.” Whenever I hear the word flabbergasted I remember the time my husband ended a sentence with “and I was fiberglassted”. I died and came back a few times!

    • Wessie
      June 28, 2015 at 1:14 pm

      I’m NOT the mama skit—OMG! “We did it in the butt”…bwahahahahahahaahahahahaha!

      I remember the “fiberglassded” one too and rolled all over my living room when I heard that one.

      Maury is a treasure!

  11. DreaNicole
    June 26, 2015 at 1:36 pm

    I know y’all remember the girl that had twins fathered by two different men!! Maury took us back to science class on that one! #Classic!

  12. Nicol
    June 26, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    Is your Love Pocket involved in a DNA spades game. Funniest thing I’ve heard all day!

  13. Fabfreshandfly
    June 26, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    It’s about time somebody recognized the foolywang goodness that is Maury Povich. I remember when he was all Guess who’s a tranny, I used to be ugly now I’m hot, and Sexy decoy shows. He clearly stuck crude oil with these paternity exams. I get my life every time somebody declares that they are 1000% sure because they are always made a bald face lie. I thought no one would ever fill the whole in my heart after Richard Bay went off the air, but Maury puts the ratchet sunshine in my sky. Put his ass on the $10 bill.

    • Guest
      August 25, 2015 at 8:14 pm

      Yaaaassss at the Richard Bey memory! He was the original. Classic.

  14. Toni
    June 26, 2015 at 6:06 pm

    unrelated… but I actually went to a taping of Maury. Saw a paternity test and a cheating show The audience is coached and the guests are instructed to acting like fools by the producers. They also moved the audience around a lot, I’m going to assume it was to achieve visual diversity, but there were quite a few people of color moved from the front to the back and replaced with …non people of color.

  15. notconvincedgranny
    June 26, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    I wish one of my former outlaws could have been on Maury. She was 27 with 12 kids, and was open for more “if God blessed with them.” Gurl, God ain’t coming near that with a gallon of Lysol and industrial strength bleach. Even 7-11 closes sometimes.

    • Sandy
      June 27, 2015 at 4:41 pm

      Bwaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh. My husband was over here asking why I was cracking up. I couldn’t tell him that it was about #hoedom

  16. the other Tracey
    June 26, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    I’m crying and howling with laughter right now. This might be the funniest thing I’ve ever read! Thank you so much!

  17. Tasha
    June 27, 2015 at 8:00 am

    Did you say, “Why is the paternity of your children 12 and a possible??” I hate you and this entire blog so much LMAOOOO. Girl! That made me choke, I was eating reading this.

  18. Karen
    June 27, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    You are too damn funny.

  19. Sandy
    June 27, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    I am so glad that I know better than to eat or drink while reading this blog. I’ve also learned NOT to read at work. I have all of my live today and my job is not in jeopardy.

  20. June 28, 2015 at 10:41 am

    You’ve given me a great idea! I’m about to build an app for that. #TrackYourTricks #LovePocketList #ConquestCalendar #DaddyDatabase

    Maury is everything! If aliens visit us, someone needs to direct them to these shenanigans.

    • Wessie
      June 28, 2015 at 1:23 pm

      Track Your Tricks app?! Love Pocket List app?! *DEAD, never to return, even her ghost ain’t haunting your foolishment*

  21. Reluctant Geek Girl
    June 28, 2015 at 10:18 pm

    I haven’t seen Maury in YEARS…but still remember that one with the blonde/blue eyed couple who wanted to test a baby that was obviously black. Poor husband was verklempt when he found out he wasn’t the father…he really was hoping!

  22. Tae
    June 29, 2015 at 1:22 am

    I personally love the bad teens who prostitute for cheeseburgers. But Beyond Scared Straight threw Maury out of the wild teens of foolery game. Now we’re left with gay prison inmates memes with Just For Me prison perms and heads cocked to the side.

    Oh, and Maury, you know dag on well that yelling motivational speaker was an enabler too. He wasn’t changing any lives! He was just yelling and whatnot.

  23. Deena Jones
    June 29, 2015 at 10:12 am

    16?! Sixteen whole men, Luvvie? Like, what are you doing, sleeping with a different man every other night? So close together where 16 possible men could be the daddy. I just…..

    And I know these people get paid top dollar to go on there and act a cooning ass fool. The more ridiculous they are, the better. Why else out your dirty vag for the world to see? lol

  24. Ange-la-la
    June 30, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    Dear Jesus, Luvvie!

    Longtime reader, first time commenter.

    I saw this and fell smooth out b/c I made the mistake of reading this while eating. NEVER AGAIN.

    That said: Imma have to hip you to something that makes Maury look like 20/20: BILL CUNNINGHAM. Bill Cunningham comes right on after Maury on DC 50 and thaaaaat show is like the Krispy Kreme ‘hot’ light is on of mess. Some of this stuff you truly can’t even. And Bill murders me every time he says, ‘Now let’s put the cheese on the cracker!’

    Luvvie, if you could, Imma need you to just talk about all these talk shows b/c omg. They are messy, but to varying degrees. XD

  25. Mo
    June 30, 2015 at 11:52 pm

    Today was awesome, “You are too big to twerk!” It included make-overs too!

  26. Jessica Agbonkpolo
    July 3, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    Hey Luvvie! Been reading your posts forever but never commented. I had to because you got me laughing out loud like a crazy woman here at the nail shop. I’m actually in tears. Keep doing what you do my Nigerian sista!!

  27. JA
    August 3, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    Wayyyyy mint….you mean to tell me that this Marisol lady had to come on the show EACH TIME to determine who the father was for each child????? FIVE pregnancies and each time you had NO IDEA who the father was???? I kinda smell a set up by Maury producers….

  28. Brandie
    September 17, 2015 at 11:41 am

    I am so sad that I’ve been ignorant to your blog for 9 years! Thank you for voicing and co-signing most of my opinions, now I’m convinced I’m not crazy…or at least not alone in my crazy:)
    I swear Maury Povich is a saint! He is single-handedly finding fathers who would otherwise go unknown to their children because of their loose kitty, lying a$$ mamas! He deserves all the praise! #MauryforPresident

  29. PMT
    November 10, 2015 at 12:12 am

    I know I’m late on this, but I just have to ask. Don’t these people know about birth control? Marisol with her 5 kids-don’t-know-who-the-daddy-is self, and old boy kicking it with her too. WHY are they acting like they just hit the slots at the casino? SMH. Maury is the whip though. 😂

  30. Madame Rho
    December 13, 2015 at 1:56 pm

    I’m so late on this, but at 2:59 in the Marisol clip. Between the fact that this was obviously the camera trained to find the “black audience reaction” (everyone in the shot is black), and the two people in the audience that just had their minds BLOWN with their jaws on the floor,I died. They won’t be naming no buildings after me.

  31. Eliza Bennett
    February 17, 2016 at 3:00 pm

    Marisol needs a Mirena. Shoot.

  32. MiChele Thomas
    February 17, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    Don’t forget the one when the Girl said they got the same little peenis !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was done ,,,

  33. DC Dee
    February 18, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    Believe it or not, Maury used to be a REAL journalist. He hosted a news show in Washington, DC called Panorama in the 1960s and ’70s. http://www.mauryshow.com/team/maury-povich

    I so love your blogs, Luvvie! They make my day!

  34. Bre
    February 18, 2016 at 6:12 pm

    Before his big announcement to the Catholic Community that it was okay to utilize contraception, Pope Francis was an avid viewer of the Maury Povich show.

    • Gee
      February 18, 2016 at 9:17 pm

      Real talk. Especially since all of the white girls in Connecticut were knocked up by guys from New York named “Slick ” LMAO!

  35. Amy
    January 1, 2017 at 3:24 pm

    This is the best show run-down ever!