All day today, Will and Jada Smith‘s names has been trending on social media. What now? Well, we’re told that after 17 years of marriage, the two are splitting up. The story has been picked up in several “reputable” media outlets, even though they all seem to be playing a game of telephone about where they got the news. We’re living in absurd times when I can publish a lie and next thing you know, MAJOR publications are citing my lie as truth. BECAUSE EVERYTHING SUCKS AND JOURNALISM IS DEAD.
Anyway, of course this rumor isn’t true. This Smith divorce thing is basically cyclical now. It must happen every 6 months, where we are all told that love is dead because Will and Jada are splitting. They then have to address it themselves, telling everyone to sit the hell down because they are still together. Will took to his Facebook page today to tell us we’re all dumb, basically. He is CORRECT.
5 Things That Will Happen Before Will and Jada Ever Divorce
1. New York City rats will get some chill. These animals are so persistent in their ability to be present that in Hurricane Sandy, where the subways flooded, we discovered that the summabishes could swim. Those damb things survived because they learned how to do the doggie paddle. HOW, RODENTS? Where did you pick up this skill? How did you survive the equivalent of God throwing a bucket on all of us except we didn’t have houses so we would have needed to spend days breaststroking to freedom? If they can swim, what else can they do? I MEAN IT. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR MANKIND? Are they just biding their time and waiting to overthrow us? This is why I am not here for no damb Master Splinter ass creatures. NO KANK YOU!
b. Donald Trump is gonna get a new wig that looks like actual hair. I have never seen someone with so many resources and access to best hairstylists in the world commit to rocking such horrific scalp coif. It’s actually offensive that he goes out of his way to wear a squirrel cap. It’s like YOU HAVE MONEY. He could fly in the top engineers in the word to build him a robot whose only job is to make sure his hair is right. But nooooo. Not the dusty degenerate. Not only do we have to listen to him spew world-renounced nonsense and rubbish, we also have to stare at that abomination above his forehead. It’s visual terrorism, really.
iii. Your friend will quit Facebook for real. You know that friend. The one who will have an ePress conference where they announce how they are sick of Facebook and all the drama (that THEY willingly engage in) so they are quitting. They’ll include their email address and everything and tell people to reach them that way because they are deleting their account. And everyone is all “OMG WE GON MISS YOU.” But 3 days later, they pop back up in your newsfeeds like they didn’t just sing “So long farewell aufwiedersen goodbye” to us all. We end up looking at them like the fraudulent wolf-crying goats they are.
4a. Gas will be 99 cents a gallon again. Because life decided to do #TBT to 1998.
5. TSA will catch an actual terrorist because they placed an explosive in their shoe. Cuz you know… flip flops are the safest. Be heartened, because everyone’s arch has made contact with the airport floor. ALL IS WELL, EVERYONE. No bombs to see here!
Yes. ALL of this will happen before Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith decide to ever legally separate, divorce and break up all their assets. Alladis. And I’m fine with it. At this point, Will and Jada bet not EVER divorce, just to spite people who are always wishing it upon them. I’d stay just to make folks mad. I’d be all “I know I can’t stand him worth a damb but I won’t give y’all the satisfaction of divorce.” Don’t listen to me, doe. I’m petty.
So the jesters can now STFU. I hear you, Jada. RT @jadapsmith My king has spoken.
— Awesomely Luvvie (@Luvvie) August 3, 2015
So… what are some other things that will happen before Will and Jada say they’re through? Drop some comments.