Famous folks

5 Things That Will Happen Before Will and Jada Ever Divorce

All day today, Will and Jada Smith‘s names has been trending on social media. What now? Well, we’re told that after 17 years of marriage, the two are splitting up. The story has been picked up in several “reputable” media outlets, even though they all seem to be playing a game of telephone about where they got the news. We’re living in absurd times when I can publish a lie and next thing you know, MAJOR publications are citing my lie as truth. BECAUSE EVERYTHING SUCKS AND JOURNALISM IS DEAD.

Anyway, of course this rumor isn’t true. This Smith divorce thing is basically cyclical now. It must happen every 6 months, where we are all told that love is dead because Will and Jada are splitting. They then have to address it themselves, telling everyone to sit the hell down because they are still together. Will took to his Facebook page today to tell us we’re all dumb, basically. He is CORRECT.

Will Smith Jada Pinkett Smith

And they STILLLLLL together.

5 Things That Will Happen Before Will and Jada Ever Divorce

1. New York City rats will get some chill. These animals are so persistent in their ability to be present that in Hurricane Sandy, where the subways flooded, we discovered that the summabishes could swim. Those damb things survived because they learned how to do the doggie paddle. HOW, RODENTS? Where did you pick up this skill? How did you survive the equivalent of God throwing a bucket on all of us except we didn’t have houses so we would have needed to spend days breaststroking to freedom? If they can swim, what else can they do? I MEAN IT. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR MANKIND? Are they just biding their time and waiting to overthrow us? This is why I am not here for no damb Master Splinter ass creatures. NO KANK YOU!

b. Donald Trump is gonna get a new wig that looks like actual hair. I have never seen someone with so many resources and access to best hairstylists in the world commit to rocking such horrific scalp coif. It’s actually offensive that he goes out of his way to wear a squirrel cap. It’s like YOU HAVE MONEY. He could fly in the top engineers in the word to build him a robot whose only job is to make sure his hair is right. But nooooo. Not the dusty degenerate. Not only do we have to listen to him spew world-renounced nonsense and rubbish, we also have to stare at that abomination above his forehead. It’s visual terrorism, really.

iii. Your friend will quit Facebook for real. You know that friend. The one who will have an ePress conference where they announce how they are sick of Facebook and all the drama (that THEY willingly engage in) so they are quitting. They’ll include their email address and everything and tell people to reach them that way because they are deleting their account. And everyone is all “OMG WE GON MISS YOU.” But 3 days later, they pop back up in your newsfeeds like they didn’t just sing “So long farewell aufwiedersen goodbye” to us all. We end up looking at them like the fraudulent wolf-crying goats they are.

Side-eye dog

4a. Gas will be 99 cents a gallon again. Because life decided to do #TBT to 1998.

5. TSA will catch an actual terrorist because they placed an explosive in their shoe. Cuz you know… flip flops are the safest. Be heartened, because everyone’s arch has made contact with the airport floor. ALL IS WELL, EVERYONE. No bombs to see here!

Yes. ALL of this will happen before Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith decide to ever legally separate, divorce and break up all their assets. Alladis. And I’m fine with it. At this point, Will and Jada bet not EVER divorce, just to spite people who are always wishing it upon them. I’d stay just to make folks mad. I’d be all “I know I can’t stand him worth a damb but I won’t give y’all the satisfaction of divorce.” Don’t listen to me, doe. I’m petty.

So… what are some other things that will happen before Will and Jada say they’re through? Drop some comments.

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51 Comments

  1. Linda Steiner
    August 3, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    Meek Mill will get his street cred back. David Duke will become president of a HBCU. Skinheads will renounce their ways and become militant hippies.

    • Donna
      August 4, 2015 at 11:17 am

      Soooo you are saying it will NEVER happen 😅

  2. Tasha
    August 3, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    The Kardashian/Jenner crew will all decide to stay away from cameras before Will and Jada divorce.

  3. Cic
    August 3, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    Rachel Dolezal will be black.

    • ZaidahNicole
      August 3, 2015 at 5:09 pm

      Right in the cackles!

    • August 3, 2015 at 5:09 pm

      I HOLLERED!

    • August 10, 2015 at 8:51 am

      Good one!

  4. Gemsmom
    August 3, 2015 at 5:05 pm

    Willow and Jaden will start making sense before their parents divorce.

  5. Alyson
    August 3, 2015 at 5:12 pm

    The church will finally do some add ons with the building fund before Willard and Jada call it quits.

    But in all seriousness reall journalism has died a messy death. Newspapers that been around from 1865 reporting on “facts” obtained from media takeout is just sad.

  6. Sherri
    August 3, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    Donald Trump will actually come up with a political platform …and real reasons why he should be elected president

  7. Devra
    August 3, 2015 at 5:35 pm

    Kingsman: The Secret Service movie will make sense.BW&JGD.

    • whilome
      August 7, 2015 at 4:09 pm

      “Your father was an awesome super secret agent, but after his death, the agency let his family stay in poverty in the projects until we needed a new recruit.” O.o They couldn’t have dropped a life insurance checked out there in them council estates? Just let the fam be all poor?

  8. Jem
    August 3, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Donald Trump will admit that President Obama was indeed one of the best US presidents

  9. SexyCool
    August 3, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Tommy will get a job.

    • CleopatraNicole_89
      August 3, 2015 at 6:50 pm

      I am TOO THROUGH with you! LOL!!!

    • Jabari
      August 3, 2015 at 10:55 pm

      WHY. MUST. I. CRY!?!?!?!??!?!!

    • August 6, 2015 at 10:52 am

      You. better. sthap. lmao.

  10. SexyCool
    August 3, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    Police will stop killing unarmed Black people for…….well, being alive while black.

  11. SexyCool
    August 3, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    It will be found that Cecil the Lion left a suicide note and he actually jumped in front of that bullet.

    • RaeJ
      August 3, 2015 at 6:27 pm

      HATE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • MrsKD
      August 3, 2015 at 9:32 pm

      Why?!?!?!

    • Diva
      August 4, 2015 at 11:48 am

      Damn you! Damn you to the depths of petty hell!

    • MzBhavn
      August 4, 2015 at 12:16 pm

      That’s it! I am packing up and going home before I get fired for hollering at this post.

    • Monique
      August 11, 2015 at 1:49 pm

      You are just wrong! I spewed my coffee!

  12. Alishia
    August 3, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    “No Kank you”, like the “Worry ’bout yourself.” Baby?? I’m done… Like the Farewell Facebook Friend. ~Alishia

  13. RaeJ
    August 3, 2015 at 6:30 pm

    Zoe Saldana will step down from the Nina Simone movie and endorse Lauryn Hill for the role

    • Kat
      August 4, 2015 at 12:25 am

      Srsly.

  14. Jabari Eric Scott
    August 3, 2015 at 6:57 pm

    Tyler Perry and Donnie McClurkin will come out with a fabulous engagement and wedding paid for by Oprah with Maya Angelou herself doing a dramatic reading of “Phenomenal Woman”

    • August 3, 2015 at 11:13 pm

      From the grave, she will…. #MamaMaya

  15. Me Talk Pretty
    August 3, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    Mama Tina will put away the bedazzler when making Bey’s leotards.

  16. Mobaygurl
    August 3, 2015 at 7:51 pm

    Auntie ReRe will be seen wearing a tastefully tailored garment for women-of-a-certain-age. And the ta-tas will be appropriately harnessed and covered. Bless.

    • jimmy
      August 3, 2015 at 8:06 pm

      Noooooooooo!!!!! You made my side hurt with that one.

  17. Ebony Moore
    August 3, 2015 at 7:56 pm

    Fitz and Liv will get married and make jam in Vermont, Sybeezy will go straight, SNL will have a predominantly black cast, Donald Trump will sit his hairpet down somewhere, The Fugees will have a reunion tour, Waldo and Carmen Sandiego will be found–together, Kimye will get over themselves, Mickey will dump Minnie for Daisy, and Luvvie will begin to can before Will and Jada call it quits!

  18. jimmy
    August 3, 2015 at 7:56 pm

    1. Chicks will stop selling their EBT cards.
    2. My credit score will skyrocket without me paying a single bill.
    3. Comcast will provide excellent customer service.
    4. I will actually start giving a fuck.

  19. Al Jay
    August 3, 2015 at 8:53 pm

    Tamar will be a vocally consistent!

    • RaeJ
      August 3, 2015 at 9:49 pm

      And her edges shall reappear…

      • PettyJoy
        August 5, 2015 at 8:04 am

        Good night.

  20. nurse nay
    August 3, 2015 at 11:43 pm

    The army Corp of engineers will fashion an over the shoulder boulder holder for the Queen of Soul that she won’t have to sue for non-support, Donald Trump will go back to counting sheep’s butts instead if wearing them on his head, and someone will put Elizabeth H ( formerly of The View) on the yellow brick road so she too can get a brain!!!

  21. Map
    August 4, 2015 at 12:08 am

    How do we know if those are Will and Jada’s real Facebook and Twitter pages?

    Anyway Guns will be under control!!!

    • August 4, 2015 at 12:26 am

      Because they both have blue checkmarks which means they’re verified which means it’s theirs for sure.

  22. Dear Yvette
    August 4, 2015 at 12:50 am

    Someone with some serious hacking ability will erase all the files at Federal Loan Services wiping out all records of student loan debt with no way to recover the info because IT guy didn’t backup the files before leaving work that day!

    • ella
      August 4, 2015 at 9:46 am

      LISTEN!!!!!!!!!

      Let us touch, agree and intercede on this one!!

      #comethroughfiscalJesus

      • Knittingarch
        August 4, 2015 at 6:28 pm

        Hahaha! Does Anonymous read this page??

  23. Taylor Davis-Grice
    August 4, 2015 at 1:56 am

    Tupac and Elvis will come out of hiding by releasing a collaborative love album that proclaims their fake deaths were really about being in love with each other… But they only fell in love AFTER fake dying for their respective reasons… Now they’re back because gay marriage is legal and Cuba is open to the US so they had to move out of Assata Shakur’s basement… Who we’ll also find out is actually Tupac’s birth mother.

    Level: PROPHET

  24. emv1102
    August 4, 2015 at 9:31 am

    Before Will & Jada divorce…

    1 NBC will have a show we all care about.

    2 Anita Baker and Cheryl Lynn will hug out their Twitter differences on Forgive and Forget. Oh yeah, Forgive and Forget will make a comeback. Mother Love though, not Robin Givens will host it.

    3 The Gubment (government) will stop saying Social Security is going broke. How? I’m still paying. MY SS better not be broke come my 65th bday.

    4 Audi, Porche, Bentley, Range Rovers and such will all decide their prices are too d*** high and slash prices so we regular folks can buy one without going broke.

    Add this…before W&J call it quits.

  25. Rexy
    August 4, 2015 at 10:37 am

    Felicia will finally get the hint and gon’ somewhere!

  26. GG
    August 4, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    I CAN’T STAND NONE OF YA’LL! I AM HORSE FROM HOLLERING!!

  27. NaaTrai
    August 4, 2015 at 6:52 pm

    Naomi Campbell’s edges will grow back.

    • IJ
      August 5, 2015 at 8:07 am

      Staaapet! 😭😭😭

  28. August 10, 2015 at 10:10 am

    Donald Trump will find The President’s real birth certificate.

  29. T
    August 11, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    Paula Dean will fall madly in love with Malik Yoba, relocate to SE Washington D.C., and call up Rachel Dolezal for a faux loc installation…..before Will and Jada break up.