Famous folksLetter

Dear Serena Williams, So You’re Just Gonna Be This Flawless Effortlessly? Ok.

Serena. I SAY, SERENA. GIRL STAHP. Why did you just do this to all of us? Your New York Magazine cover and editorial is the reason people write songs and poems and whatnots. I wanna pen some haikus and limericks in your honor because GAHTDAMB. I bet Common used one of his crochet beanies of days past to wipe some tears because these pictures of you are EVERYTHING. Everything. Every gahtdamb thing and I am LIVING for it.

Serena Williams NYMag

You balanced on some bars like you told gravity you weren’t here for it cuz you’s a grown woman and you do whatever you want. You look so calm too, like in the next frame, you were telling your friend “Girl, let me tell you what happened.”

The only time I look this serene is when I’m in bed with flaming hot chips in one hand and my laptop in another, on optimum chill. But Serena, you’re doing a perfect split on two bars the size of my puny wrists, looking like you’re one “namaste” from Nirvana. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOUR EPIC ASS. I just don’t. Who told you to be this flawless? WHO, I ASK? You are so damb disrespectful in your ability to exist effortlessly like the goddess that you are. Just flaw-deficient. I called flaw up and asked if it knew you and it was all “Serena? Oh I can’t go near her.” Girl, bye. With your amazing ass. I love it.

Not only are you on the tennis court snatching white women’s edges on your way to victories and championships, then you’re in front of some camera lens looking like the unfuggwitable magical unicorn Black woman that you are. Ma’am, I bow at your feet. Chile, yes. Just yes.

These abs could bleach a shirt stained with Nigerian stew grease without detergent. WASHBOARD ON TEN. The muscles too? I don’t even know if I’m worthy. The little yorkie on the right is like “you petty for showing out like this and making everyone feel inadequate.” SHE IS. You might have just said “what yorkie?” I don’t blame you. It’s easy to miss the small dog to the right when the Queen in the middle has stolen all your attention with her fierceness.

Serena Williams NYMag2

Really?? This is how you gon let the rest of us know we can’t live up to your awesomeness?? Oh ok den.

I tried doing a cartwheel and hurt myself by falling sideways into my wall. But Serena outchea putting her leg up straight in the air like that’s normal. Favor ain’t fair.

Basically, I saw these pics and realized that Monday was a wrap for me before it began. Everyone can go home because Monday has been slayed. Just… wrap it up. It’s done. Monday is sold out and we can try again next week.

I promise if I had half the body you do, I’d be a terrible person with no friends and no behavior. I don’t have ANY couth now so can you imagine? You can’t. It’s ok. Jesus made sure I wasn’t BAWDY blessed because He knew me before I got here. He knew I would be the reason for “don’t be awful because you look good” manuals. I’ve said it before. Your yansh is my spirit animal. But nay, your entire badassness on the court and off is my patronus. When I say “Expecto Patronum” your abs come out my wand and fend off all evil things.

Thank you, Serena Williams. For being everything dope.

P.S. BISH, COME THROUGH!

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55 Comments

  1. Winter
    August 10, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    This write up slays as hard as Ms. Williams slays life. How people can even fix their foolish mouths to say she’s anything less than totally fit is completely beyond me.

  2. BK
    August 10, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    See what a steady diet of white tears does for you! LOL!

    • Nadine S.
      August 10, 2015 at 2:43 pm

      Damn you!!! I choked on my salad. Lol
      The salad I had to fix after seeing that pic.

      • Erica Addison
        August 10, 2015 at 2:49 pm

        Now, that’s hilarious! As I sit here eating biscuits and gravy! Tonight I hit the damn gym!

        • dallasdrummerchick
          August 10, 2015 at 10:27 pm

          I’m on my second slice of pizza, so…let’s just kill Tuesday, too.

        • Petranilla
          August 11, 2015 at 6:58 am

          Only Tuesday? the rest of the week… heck the damned month…. it’s a wrap!!!!

      • Stacey Dennis
        August 10, 2015 at 5:33 pm

        Through my damn lemon oreos away and settled for low fat water and diet air for lunch.

        Damb you, Serena.

        • Petranilla
          August 11, 2015 at 6:59 am

          Double damn her. She too fine!!!

    • tchin10@hotmail.com
      August 18, 2015 at 10:49 am

      ROFLOL!!!! yESSS!!!
      y’all are sooo eXTRA!!! lol!

    • WM
      August 27, 2015 at 8:40 pm

      Perfect!

  3. Sheena
    August 10, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    I chuckled so hard reading this. lol. Love it Luvvie! Serena is DEFINITELY giving us built like a stallion realness on this pic. Come through sis. Come through. And they want to say sis is a man…she sitting there looking gawgeoussss and other freaking bothered! Yassssss

  4. Michele
    August 10, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    I might was well call my gym now and cancel the membership. Damn you Serena. Sigh.

    P.S. If you ever got Serena, FLOTUS, and Lupita in the same room the Earth would just give up and hurl itself toward the sun because the planet would be unable to handle that level of fabulousness.

    • Nikki
      August 10, 2015 at 2:57 pm

      OVER. *drops mic*

    • notconvincedgranny
      August 10, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      Throw Misty Copeland into that mix and the entire galaxy will explode into stardust.

      • Petranilla
        August 11, 2015 at 6:59 am

        AMEN! ASHE!!!!!!!!

  5. Amber
    August 10, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    even that tiny Yorkie on the table to her right is looking at her like: “wow, how you just gonna slay us all?”

  6. erica addison
    August 10, 2015 at 2:48 pm

    Called up Flaw. Nigerian Stew and Black Unicorns. I’m dead!

  7. August 10, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    Lissen, between Misty Copeland’s Essence cover and Serena’s NYT Magazine cover and spread, I am DONE fo da day! BOFADEM just ouchea slaying and snatching edges, making me wanna eat a twist donut because I can’t even think of anything else to do. Come THUUUUU sisters, witcho #BlackGirlMagic. YES!

    • TeeNikki
      August 10, 2015 at 4:12 pm

      I’m slayed out between the two of them. I had to take a daggone nap SMH.

  8. Drea823
    August 10, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    Serena is not playing with nunna y’all! She just read every asshat that said she looks like a man, for filth! Didn’t have to say a word. “BLOOP”

    • Stacy Harris
      August 10, 2015 at 3:07 pm

      AMEN!!

  9. Absurdist
    August 10, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    Not for nothing: Venus is still pretty fierce herself. Just sayin’.

    • August 10, 2015 at 3:17 pm

      Much as I love Rena, Vee is the queen of my heart. She looks like a million bucks too, and rocking that natural hair fiercely.

  10. August 10, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    common is not wiping up tears with one of those crocheted beanies. neither is lavar. trust.

    [unless we’re calling the early arrivals “tears” these days.]

    • StillSuga
      August 10, 2015 at 4:01 pm

      It took me a sec to get it, but you right! *insert Kerry Washington meme*

  11. GaPeach
    August 10, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    Serena is slayed to the gawds! I had to look at the pic again to find that dog. Ain’t nobody checking for Scruffy.

  12. August 10, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    I’m done and headed up yonder to Glory about this. I didn’t even SEE that dog to that left. Serena is a black woman superhero that is so fly she doesn’t need a cape or secret identify.

  13. D
    August 10, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    I stopped speaking to Ms. Serena after I watched her win the French Open semifinals WITH THE FLU, then politely conduct the post beatdown interview in flawless French. So, I’m currently unavailable for comment on this most recent pettiness on her part. I was recently offended by the remarks made by her lesser opponents about how they didn’t want to win badly enough to be “masculine” like Serena. I wonder how their tears taste after they lose, are they salty or sweet?

    • August 10, 2015 at 3:54 pm

      All of this comment right HERE! Gone Serena

    • Monique
      August 11, 2015 at 1:44 pm

      Raises black power fist and pumps the air.

  14. corine jones
    August 10, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    I still don’t see the dog…….just attempted the leg lift…..anybody got some bengay or icy hot……thankya….LMAO

  15. ChaffedEgo
    August 10, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    And chics out here tryna have a thigh gap!

    #SerenasBody&DonaldTrumpAreAllThatIsWrongWithTheWorld

  16. Jackie
    August 10, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    “When I say “Expecto Patronum” your abs come out my wand and fend off all evil things.”

    YESSSSSS hunty!

  17. felicia
    August 10, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    Just ASSTRORDINARY….Oops I mean EXTRAORDINARY!!! LOL Kim Kardashian, Iggy Azalea, J Lo, and even Nikki Minaj get yo life and bow down to a real derriere born out of genetics and hard werk….SHHH if Serena ever decided to twerk in LA she would start a earthquake size 10 on the Richter Scale!!! #dididothat?? Um yes ya did!!

  18. Simone
    August 10, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    **dead** ——> ” I called flaw up and asked if it knew you and it was all “Serena? Oh I can’t go near her.” Girl, bye. With your amazing ass. I love it.”

  19. August 10, 2015 at 9:16 pm

    I just packed up all my shiznit (puggle included) and walked my ass to the back room (you can’t properly leave the office when you work from home) because…THIS! Luvvie!!!! THIS!!!!! I saw that picture 322 times and never once notice the damn yorkie. Lemme go find my frozen can shirt because I NEEDS IT!

    Gurl if you need me Ima be on the couch attempting a semi split while reaching for my wine glass. She slayed the damn picture and then you slayed this damn post!!! Good day to you madam! #loveit

  20. SIPort
    August 10, 2015 at 9:37 pm

    I swear. Photos of Serena and Misty should be hung up on the walls like pieces of fine art. Combine this with the Lancome ad of Lupita that I saw in Town & Country, and I AM DONE.

    • TiTi
      August 21, 2015 at 10:02 pm

      You know what….that is an excellent idea.

  21. August 10, 2015 at 9:40 pm

    ROTFL. ***Dead***. This write-up was Everything. I Love me some Common and coined him hubby in my head…but damn it after seeing these I understand why he cheated on me smh. #Lordt

  22. Connie Payton-Nevels
    August 11, 2015 at 3:13 am

    “looking like the unfuggwitable”…….I AM DEAD! I CAN’T!

  23. GG
    August 11, 2015 at 4:25 am

    I couldn’t get past “I called up flaw…” I’ll be back when I stop choking

  24. islandista
    August 11, 2015 at 8:58 am

    I’m with the Yorkie (which yeah I only just noticed). It’s just… cruel really. I saw these pics and wept with the feelings of inadequacy… and then went and did squats.

  25. MommieDearest
    August 11, 2015 at 9:06 am

    Serena and Lupita are about the ONLY women I am actually envious of. And I’m no slouch myself.

    Go ‘head on Rena wit cho BAAAAAD self.

  26. circa1908
    August 11, 2015 at 10:04 am

    because of Serena I ran almost 2 miles yesterday. I know I will never have a body like that but damn.. I can dream cant I.

    I am buying multiples of this magazine and putting her picture on my refrigerator and every kitchen cabinet door.

  27. Jill
    August 11, 2015 at 11:22 am

    I just threw my lunch in the garbage. Her perfection is a black mama with a belt.

  28. Flyy
    August 11, 2015 at 2:02 pm

    The real question is where can i buy this print? Why isn’t it made available to me?!

  29. Alycia
    August 11, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    Damb the Monday, damb the week….I’m giving Queen Serena the whole doggone month! August in on lock, sewn up, thrown away, kaput, blown out, teased out, fried, dyed and laid to the side. Chile please!

  30. Jada07
    August 11, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    “When I say “Expecto Patronum” your abs come out my wand and fend off all evil things.”
    Luvvie, I sweatergawd I hate you! LOL!!!

  31. kami
    August 11, 2015 at 4:49 pm

    Lmao I love this article

    My word I have seen these pics all over fb and evertime I see them I smile… All who wanna talk let them… She dont have to say nothing performance is her weapon…

    And I just had to scroll back up cause I wanna know what dog you guys talking about…smdh I never even noticed it..lol
    Goddess Serena is my new name for her she is definitely an inspiration to us all…now gonna take my ass for a run…will not look like her today but it dont mean I cant try
    *scroll back up* god be my strength this is gonna be a long road lol

  32. August 12, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    Serena Williams is truly flawless! Not only is she a great example of a strong, powerful woman, but she is great example of positive female, (especially females of COLOR) representation. You rarely see the media portraying women/women of color in positive light if at all, but Serena makes it difficult to not love her. Not to mention she is gorgeous and her abs are killer!

  33. […] of how Serena does it – she beams her dazzling smile and her radiant brown skin, with stunning outfits and a lipstick […]

  34. Wonder
    September 1, 2015 at 7:49 am

    OK ,so Serena just dropped it like it has a high temperature huh!!!
    Sister don’t even care if a sister got hurt ….. duju know tat I Jes ran into tha wall Tryna do that thing u did with ur leg so high like its normal #HeckNoItIsn’t…..and as for yorkie,I can totally see why he isn’t bothered about not being noticed!!! #HeBusyWatchingYouSpreadThoseLegsBeforeHimLIVEEEEE!!!!

  35. Jennifer
    December 15, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    I’m not a fan of hers, but I’ll be the first to admit she’s amazing at what she does.

  36. […] of how Serena does it – she beams her dazzling smile and her radiant brown skin, with stunning outfits and a […]

  37. Danielle D
    May 17, 2016 at 7:34 pm

    Not gone lie. I missed that damb yorkie… all these months later.