Eddie Long, All-White Party and Youth Ministry Clothes: An Epic Roast
So a picture dropped the other day that blessed me tremendously. It was of three older Black men in all white. I thought they looked like what would happen if the three wise men decided to go to a Frankie Beverly and Maze Concert before they went to visit Baby Jesus in that manger.
Then I looked closer at the gentleman in the middle and realized it was Bishop Eddie Long (earner of many side-eyes over the years). I knew that wig looked familiar, Lawd! I cackled to the high heavens because that hairhat was sitting tall on his scalp like the good Sunday Harvest wig it was supposed to be.
Everything about that picture had me in a roast frenzy. For starters, NONE of these people will ever become victims of deep vein thrombosis because of these tight ass alphets they got on. Looking like walking gym socks. And their commitment to all-white is commendable. I love old Black people for being so enthused about all-white dress codes. They will make sure it goes all the way down to their shoes. I just KNEW whatever function they were at had someone’s aunty in all white kitten heel slingbacks too. I JUST KNOWED IT.
Because I’m nosy, I went digging. The picture is from Eddie Long’s all-white yacht party. And I ABSOLUTELY found a picture of someone’s aunty in those slingbacks. I howled to the blue-corned moon. Because: accurate.
Anywho, I dropped the picture on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page. And let me tell you. The comments that ensued laid me out for a good 12 hours. I spent half a day refreshing, cackling and laughing so hard that tears were falling. LuvvNation CUT A COMPLETE fool over this picture. Below are some of the best.
Shoutout to JP, who came through and left NO CHILL behind. His comments were especially hysterical. He gets a whole section here.
* They need to call the Fabric ministry to pray for to be deliverT. These clothes are tighter than faith of a mustard seed. – J.P.
* When did Under Armour make a praise line? – J.P.
* How we gon pray for your health when yo nipples and taco meat askin for prayers too? – J.P.
* Bishop Eddie Wrong and the Dramatics gon’ sing a hymm in Yaaaaaaaas flat – J.P.
* We got ShadWACK, HeWack, and DisNegro out here in all they glory. – J.P.
* What’s the necklace for, that the eject button for that shirt? – J.P.
* If you look at them directly, you can SEE the content of their character right through those compression concert clothes. – J.P.
* We KNOW they ain’t paying tithes today, we can see they have nothing in their pockets. – J.P.
* This is the baptism water wicking wear line from TouchMyHIM clothing – J.P.
* You can hold on to Gawd, or hold onto them clothes, you can’t do both. It’s physically impossible – J.P.
* Lookin like the choir for the church of the Sacred Hell naw, todanawnawnaw – J.P.
* They all stole clothes from the Youth Ministry! – J.P.
* Try and leave during the sermon if you want, those are performance pants, you gon’ get tackled by the man of gawdt – J.P.
BYE JOHN! JP was fixing to kill me. Every single time I stopped laughing about one of his comments, he came with another. I wanted to vote him off the island so I could collect myself and get my life back together because he just came through and showed the entire hell out. Chile…
But no one else was much better. Everyone conspired to slay me with their comments. See below for the rest of the shenanigans.
* When Eddie Long preached his sermon after those accusations, he said “I have five stones, and I haven’t even thrown them yet.” At least we know now where he put them. – T.E.
* The usher made his hairline move up to the front. – D.C.
* So Eddie and his friends just outchea looking like a whole vacuum sealed pack of summer sausages!!!! Like my momma wud say if he ain’t gay he missing a Damn good opportunity to be!!!!! – J.K.
* Eddie Long looks like an old church mother. The one that hands out stale peppermints. – J.C.
* The crazy part is that he found a squad of dudes in SMEDIUM clothes to hang out with. SMH. – E.R.
* SMH, peoples can’t even properly go worship at the alter because Deacon Deez Nutz got his stuff blocking the main line! – S.W.
* Looking like 3 dirty Qtips – D.T.
* Is the tall one smuggling Jesus in his pants? – K.A.
* When the church board cuts the pastor’s wig fund from the budget. – T.J.
* I’d like to say a special prayer for the 100 year old sheep who donated their fur to assist in the making of the good Bishop’s wig. #locksoflove #hestherealmvp – J.J.
* Is that the holy ghost jumping out dude on right’s #cratch? – T.L.
* If any of their cell phones ring, their pants will explode. – D.M.
* I simply cannot. Eddie done found two other grown, rusty but men to wear clothes so tight they look like my 18lb, 14oz son in a newborn onsie. And if the one in the right sees something he likes, that inseam is ruined. Jesus, come get your wayward workers, and bring clothes that fit, please! – D.S.
* The principal cast members of Tyler Perry’s upcoming flick, “The Lycra, The Lamb & The LAWD” – L.J.
* We now know why Jesus wept… – M.K.
* Jesus be a fence, a bra, and an athletic sports cup. This is soooo much more than I care to see of any of these men. – S.J.
* Attention shoppers, there is a blue light special on our white, nut sucking jeans and our white, tittie-tight shirts. Size Smedium only. – C.H.
* I guess the Brutha on the left didn’t get the text that expressed SUMMER white and not WINTER white. Bless his lil “off shade” self! – J.D.
* In the Tyler Perry Translation of the Bible, we will read the story of Shadrach, Nutsack, A-Tight-Negro – T.E.
* Well….you won’t have to jack their wallets to get their credit card numbers….or the 3 digits in the back – L.S.
* They look like a fresh box of Playtex Glide Tampons! – M.M.
* All three of them looking like they are wearing full body condoms!! – C.M.
* Squeeze is what you do when you’re a large trying to floss in a medium. Squwoze is what you do when when you’re a x-large trying to squeeze your sins and lies through the pearly gates in a smedium angel suit – S.G.
* Eddie Long has that “jealous bitch?” face. His two backup dancers seem to just be happy to be there with him. I can just here him now “Yassss girl! Let us praise the Lordt, and slay them with your Under Armor Sunday best.” – S.B.
* Lookin like 3 rolls of toilet paper…yall give it up for the Charmin Boyz with their new single “ain’t this some shit” – C.W.
* That white is rocking their nuts in the bosom of Abraham!! #praiseem – H.D.
* Life’s bleachable moments – A.T.
* Bishop Eddie Long standing in his “yes bish, when I come through, I comes through!!”stance with his lambs wool wig glued so tight, Moses couldn’t part it! – S.M.
* Does these outfits come with blood pressure cuffs? I swear they cutting circulation off with this Air Jerusalem away team warm up gear – R.F.
* When did they start the New Birth Ballet Company? – T.B.
* Why am I still lookin at this? Lol Eddie giving off that old black school cafeteria worker with the full mustache and beard. “Ain’t no mo green beans…” – R.K.
* Time to boycott Casper the Friendly Ghost. They got the villains wearing blackface. – K.M.
* Eddie got 0.76 cents in his left pocket – S.U.
* Grown men should not wear long johns in public. It ain’t right! – M.M.
* Eddie Long stroke and his buddy with the hat got on some serious cut nuts! They came prepared! Those ain’t no Camel toes. Them some Moose knuckles!!! – T.L.
* Why can I see the lining of his lungs?? I mean damn! I can anticipate his next deep breath from this still shot!!! – B.S.
* Eddie Long looking like geriatric trade. – T.J.
* Dear heavens! Are they wearing stretch knits? The seams are screaming, “Give us free!” – L.B.
* Look at Sweetwater Jenkins in the middle. – A.N.
* They look like the male gospel Supremes. And Eddie is Diana. He got the Marla Gibbs 227 “I mean no place chile” expression down pat. – G.P.
* This is a horrible version of penisgate waiting to happen. We are a sneeze away from seeing Eddie’s longstroke. – L.S.
* That bevel in the leg though. His toe stance. He is giving you full torso (cuz, he been in the gym). He is giving the camera Sunday Best realness. Not full smile but a smize because it all in the eyes honey. – R.T.
* Eddie long hair looking like an ostrich nest. He don’t have a hair line he got a scalp line. – D.G.
* They look like three strong ass powered donuts. – S.U.
* The Ardyss Body Magic All White Party Collection!!!! – F.W.
* Lordt……..if this is what heaven looks like – A.G.
* Maybe someone said, ‘bring tithes’ and they heard ‘bring tights’!!! – S.R.
* That’s Eddie’s “Eye of the TIGER” Wig that was CUT and STYLED by one of the NEW hairstylists that JUST graduated from Empire Beauty Academy!!! – T.P.
* Papa smurf on the right, yeah he was off to thee wrong concert. He thought somebody said Ohio Players, he was like “Skin Tight!!” – D.C.
* Eddie still don’t know what y’all looking at. Like what. I’m LisaRaye sharp in this pic and y’all mad. – D.R.
I am SO damb THRU. Chile… the day the good Lord was handing out sense, everyone missed it. They out-did themselves on this one. LAWDT! If you want to read ALL the comments (there were almost 2,000), check out the original thread on my Facebook. Shenanigans abounds.