Heavy is the Head: Scandal Season 5 Premiere Recap
Scandal (and the entire TGIT lineup) is back and I was so damb ready. You know when you don’t realize how sleepy you are but when you hit the bed, the next thing that happens is you wake up 7 hours later with your shoes still on? That was me. I didn’t know how much I missed Scandal until the I was watching it and realized there was a dumb ass smile plastered on my face. I miss the Thursday fellowship with everyone on Twitter as we act a fool over Olivia an’ em. Anywho, let’s jump into the shenanigans.
Official Dinner – Sally Langston is on her show giving a proper tongue lashing to the President for having a dinner that was representative of his approval of Sodom and Gomorrah. She was letting his ass HAVE IT, and we’re seeing Liv and Fitz in bed doing the horizontal tango. They’re even getting dressed for this dinner together. AW SHIT. Are they officially coming out as a couple? Nah. That’ll be too much like right.
The President is hosting Queen Isabel of Caledonia, the Crown Prince Richard and his Princess Emily, who is a regular American woman who snagged one of the most eligible bachelors in the world. People turn their nose at her and VP Sally is one of them. Plus, she knows Fitz really wants a naval base on their turf. Liv and Fitz in their formal wear looking like cake toppers separate before the hit the ballroom and make googly eyes at each other across the room.
Meanwhile, Mellie is missing from the dinner because she’s basically in exile. They told Abby to tell folks she got the flu, but she’s calling fully-dressed mad as hell that she’s been banished. Abby told her mouthpiece “Rachel, muzzle your beast.” WELL DAMB. Keep count with me. Person 1 to come at Mellie.
Abby sits next to Liv and asks if the President has called her since kicking FLOTUS out the crib and she boldly lies to her friend. The 2 go to the bathroom to dust their faces and Red starts talking mad shit about the Princess. She used to be a Human Rights lawyer, so Abby sees her marriage to the Prince as a real come up. Just then, the Princess emerges from one of the stalls. OOP. Gotta watch your mouth and where you’re running it. Abby’s clearly embarrassed and rushes out. Emily tells Liv that people say mean shit about her because they don’t see her as a human, but as a spectacle. “The next day, you’re the most famous person on the planet. Only because of the person you were in love with.” MESSAGE. Receive it, Olivia
Tragic Ending – Liv is in the President’s bedroom rocking his NAVY tshirt only (so we know it’s real) when she gets a phone call from the Queen of Caledonia’s people. There’s been an accident. Olivia shows up on the scene in this AMAZING white trench and she runs towards the upside down car. On the ground is the princess dead, and her crown is feet away from her. Liv tells everyone to back up and she hurriedly throws her coat over Emily’s body. NOOOO. Meanwhile, I’m all “OLIVIA! YOUR BURBERRY TRENCH! IT WILL GET BLOOD ON IT.” I’m terrible.
A car turned upside down in a tunnel from an accident? A princess who was treated as spectacle and not wholly approved of is dead? Yes, this storyline is definitely Diana-inspired. Plus, Queen Isabel of Caledonia had a more than obvious resemblance to Queen Elizabeth. The human rights attorney part reminds me of Amal Clooney, who everyone was trying to jealous when she married George Clooney.
Anywho, the Queen retains Olivia and tells her to make sure none of the pictures of the Princess’ body ends up on newspapers, magazines and online. With a case full of loot, Quinn handles it. She finds all the paparazzi, bribes them and gets their memory cards. One of them refuses to give it up, no matter the money offer so to give her something to post on her cover, Liv goes to the Queen saying she needs them to capture a photo of her seeing the Princess’ body. That old Queen is all “Nah, B.” She’d rather have them print those pics than do that. The Crown Prince volunteers, doe. A lone photographer is there to capture his grief at the morgue as he sees the body of his wife. Basically, our culture of knowing everyone’s business has rendered us all heartless shrews.
There was only one photographer who Quinn did not find and they look at his picture and realize he was probably a hacker. The Princess was murdered! Of course she was. There was too much hateration in her dancerie.
Mellie’s Read – Mellie calls the White House to get confirmation that Fitz will be at her Senate confirmation. Buttttt she is told that he is busy. DAFUQ? Uh huh. He does not wanna come. Sitting across from her is Liz North and FLOTUS asks why she betrayed her? Weren’t they supposed to be on the same team? NOPE. That’s where you’re wrong, Mellie Mel. The woman who you shared a penis with (VP Nichols) at the same damb time will not truly be on the same team with you. You should know this. Liz, being the Petty Crocker that she is, takes the opportunity to read Mellie, reveling in the fact that she’s been banished to the dark side that Mufasa told Simba to avoid. “You also don’t matter to the most powerful man on the face of the Earth.” WELL DAMB. Person number 2 to come for Mellie in this episode.
Clean Up – Abby is always having to clean up mess but no one gives her the broom to use. Liv sneaks into the White House, avoiding her friend as she goes into the Oval Office.
Fitz has been summoned for lunch and she’s in a black suit that had me strolling my chin. She wasn’t in turmoil in the moment but that black suit has me curious. Are they switching up Pope white? I wonder…
Anywho, she tells Fitz that he has to go Mellie’s swearing in. HE HAS TO. There is no justification they can publicly give that will excuse the POTUS from seeing his FLOTUS being sworn in as a senator. Fitz, you better take your ass to Mellie’s swearing in! Don’t do her like that. Ugh. Abby is in the press room answering questions from press and letting them know that the President will be unable to make the swearing in. One of the journalists (HEY CAROL), asks her if she’s sure and she says she is. Carol pulls up her phone and tells Abby that the President IS indeed at the swearing in. So he went and nobody thought to tell Abby?? That’s a hot ass mess.
Our girl storms into Liz North’s office pissed that she hasn’t been informed. The surprise look on her face tells Abby that she ain’t the only one out of the loop in that White House. Ain’t nobody telling either of them a damb thing.
Presidential Put-Down – After the swearing in, Mellie and Fitz are alone. Our girl is in her power red, and she’s rambling apologies to him. This is the first time she’s spoken to him since she got kicked the hell out the White House and our girl is lowkey groveling. She’s talmbout how she can fix her mistakes and they can have a future together GIRL NO. That man already moved on. Bless her heart. As soon as he could get a word in, Fitz pulls out an envelope and says “I’m divorcing you… You have so many qualities I despise. But I do admire your brilliance…Your biggest accomplishment so far is waving and smiling.”
WELL DAMB. Fitz is cold-blooded and person number 3 to come for Mellie’s edges. EVERYBODY IS TRYING IT WITH OUR GIRL. My feelings’ feelings were HURT for her. She stands there stunned. Do NOT be mad when she turns into Medusa. I would not blame her if she flips OUT.
Murder Was the Case – Quinn and Liv have been trying to figure out what happened to Princess Emily’s car, and why she was murdered. They checked out pics of her and realize that her and the Prince rarely ever spent time together. The person Emily spent time with the most was her bodyguard, and he also died in that crash. Emily was having an affair with him, because the flesh sure is weak. The Prince killed them! He surely had cause.
Olivia rolls into the Oval Office for a meeting with Liz and the President. She wants him to charge the Crown Prince of Caledonia with the murder of an American (Emily) but Fitz refuses. The Royal Family has diplomatic immunity, but most importantly, he wants those naval bases on their turf so charging any of them with a crime ain’t gon work. Him and Liv have a verbal match as Liz watches. I thought they were gonna stop in the middle of it and start making out.
Hurt Inside – Olivia goes home, where she clearly hasn’t been for awhile because she’s taken up part time residence at the White House. She finds Huck on her couch and he’s in mini 752 mode. Is he just squatting at her house nowadays? Poor thing. Ever since him and Quinn fell out, he ain’t been right. He asks Liv about Fitz, saying “Is he hurting you on the inside?” She says no and turns the tables on him. “Did Quinn hurt you on the inside?” They’re talking like Barney trying to teach kids what being safe, strong and free looks like. Bless it. He admits “yes” but that’s because he hurt her first. Huck sits up and tells Liv that he wants her to fix him, because she usually does.
They are really co-dependent and this friendship is too much pressure with too many burdens. Olivia tells him “I don’t fix people on the inside… I don’t know how to fix you. I’m sorry. You need a much better plan than me.” Yes, like therapy. In-patient, stay in the hospital, around the clock therapy.
Broken Circle – Liz barges into Abby’s office because she’s had an epiphany. She says she just witnessed a lover’s quarrel in the Oval Office. The person that has been undermining her authority is Olivia, because she is back in the White House and she is the puppetmaster who has made Abby’s job that much harder. Red is shocked, because her friend told her a bold-faced lie. These two are about to be a half circle since they’re locked out of the real circle.
Mellie rings a doorbell and Cyrus Beene answers it. He invites her in, and she tells him he needs to get his job back at the White House because they need to get their circle back. Girl, bye! That circle does not exist anymore. Cyrus was like NAWL. NO KANK YOU. Yes, he hates yall and I’m not sure what you can do about it. Mellie starts crying and Cy looks like he might soften up.
Queen Goon – David comes into Olivia Pope and Associates and tells Liv that he is basically a hologram because he has something for her that is supposed to be buried. The Princess’ body will be flown back to Caledonia the next day and once that happens, nothing can be done. He has a folder of the autopsy results. Liv opens it and sees that Emily was pregnant. Sooooo yeah. The Prince must have found out, and the baby was probably the bodyguard’s.
Olivia goes to see the Queen of Caledonia and says that she is sorry to tell her that her son was responsible for the death of the Princess. The Queen turns to her icily and says her son is innocent. It was she who did the deed, because she found out about Emily’s affair and her son was too in love with that girl. She could not birth babies who wasn’t a true heir to the throne. “She had one job. To give us an heir and a spare.” The Queen got bars, and zero dambs to give.
Liv says she will get justice and the Queen stops her with “I am justice, dear.” She reminds Pope that she has diplomatic immunity AND that non-disclosure agreement she signed when she was retained means she gotta STFU. This is one fairy tale that does not have a happy ending, and all Liv can do is walk out. Queen was all “Yeah I killed her. You can’t say shit either, Liv. WHO GON CHECK ME, BOO? REP YOUR SET! CALEDONIA WATTUP!” OOP.
Fairy Tale Ending – Liv gets home and lays on her couch, which is now sans-Huck. On her floor, she sees the magazine cover with the grieving Prince and has a lightbulb moment. The Princess’ casket is being rolled towards a plane, and the Queen waits to see it get on. Right then, Olivia shows up with the Crown Prince. Whappened? Well, Liv’s NDA meant she couldn’t discuss the case with anyone outside of the Royal Family, but the Prince is fair game. Richard tells his Mom that Liv has informed him that she is responsible for the death of his beloved wife. So here’s what she’s going to do. She will get to Caledonia and resign from the throne, giving him the reins. She will disappear and go gardening or whatever it is that retired monarchs to. And the next time he will see her will be at her funeral. ALL THE WELPS.
Richard walks off after dropping that gauntlet and Liv leans to the Queen for the Mortal Kombat finish. “All fairy tales don’t have happy endings. But evil queens? They tend to go down.”
Spectacle Begins – Huck knocks on the door of an apartment and Jake opens up. He says he needs his help. Soooo I guess this is where ex-assassins go when there’s nowhere else.
Liv goes to the White House and meets Fitz on the balcony. He tells her the Queen of Caledonia is stepping down, which means he is not getting his naval base. Richard is an even harder negotiator. He asks Liv why she’s picking a fight with him and she says he is not. Work needs to be one of their boundaries. Also, she’s not ready for him to serve Mellie with the divorce papers. She admits that she is afraid of going public with their relationship because she knows that SHE will become a spectacle. Real Gs move in silence like gnomes, Olivia! I FEEL YOU! “If we are broken going in, we are NOT getting out. Not together.” Really, though? When will they ever be ready? There will never be a good time for them to do this. Fitz agrees to slow it all down and they start kissing.
Then they are interrupted by Abby. Liv looks at her friend and knows she’s caught in a lie.
Either way, they better come on because they might want to see what is on TV. Sally Langston is on her show talmbout how she got the hot piping tea. The President’s marriage has crumbled and it is all a shame. She has insider info saying he is now sleeping with Olivia Pope. Liv and Fitz’s mouths drop as they watch footage from the White House’s security cameras. They’re kissing, Liv is adjusting his tie before the state dinner, and they are undeniably together. Liz and Abby give each other a knowing glance. Mellie watches the footage looking slightly stunned, and Cyrus looks slightly taken aback too.
OOOOOOO SHIT!!!! It has officially hit the fan. Ready or not, trouble comes because the secret is out.
First, I’d like to have a moment of silence for that impeccable Burberry trench that sacrificed its perfection to maintain the decency of the princess, even in her post-mortem state. Whew. May it rest.
I thought it was too easy to suspect the Queen. That was the obvious. That Queen is a real ass goon, doe. She gave so few dambs but didn’t think of the backdoor that Liv could take. Oh Evil Witch. Do not underestimate your foe. But shoutout to David “Lemony Snicket” Rosen for coming through with those autopsy files. I love that his white hat still ain’t in storage. Even though, as much trouble as he constantly get in, you’d think he woulda thrown it into the Potomac River by now.
Fitz is THE most disloyal of hoes. As much fuckshit he’s done, he acts like Mellie is the one who has finally taken being conniving to new levels. Yes, he might be mad about the jurors that died, but keep in mind that she did not get them killed willingly. She turned over the list to Papa Pope, not knowing they’d all end up sliced up. He is so damb mean to Mellie. I don’t like how he disregards her like she’s a roach. He does not even know how to be civil.
So who snitched on Liv and Fitz? I think it was Liz and Abby. Which is a mess because Abby betrayed her friend by teaming up with a woman who she doesn’t know just how conniving she can be. Athough, Liv did undermine her so I get why she felt like she needed to do it. I just think it will blow up in her face.
Welcome, TGIT. Good to see you again.
Gladiators, ROAR in the comments. What are your thoughts on the season 5 premiere of Scandal? Are you digging Olitz?
P.S. I won’t be writing Vulture recaps for Scandal anymore. It was killing me to write 2 recaps on Thursday nights. LOVE Vulture and hoping to write other things for them. But yes, this will remain my only Scandal recap.