Some videos bless you by making you howl like someone stepped on your foot. The one of this pissed off black bear who let a kayak feel its wrath has been cracking me up for about 5 good days.
So this lady went on some long distance kayaking trip in Alaska and outside of her cabin, she saw a bear and knew her equipment was in danger. Let’s watch it unfold and let us cackle in delight at this petty ass bear who clearly wanted her to know she wasn’t about that life.
Ok, first of all, the bear seemed like it was chilling and then she threatened to pepper-spray it. That is when Not-Yogi got pissed. Like “Oh word? You gon mace me? Fugg your kayak, lady.” That bear turned around and make that kayak its chew toy as homegirl sat around whining incessantly.
Then she told the bear “Get away from the kayak. Come here.”
Wait. Wayment. You are encouraging a beast to come TO you instead of go to the surfboard with a cover that you own?? What part of the game is that??? You know what you will have no use for if you die? A DAMB KAYAK. If a giant animal with sharp teeth and a head bigger than my body tries to eat my boat, what I will do is let it. I will lock myself in the cabin and wait it out because my life is surely worth more than a gahtdamb kayak. What if that bear decided it was bored with the kayak and needed flesh? One or two good pounces and it would have reached her. It would have been a wrap. This was a goofy move on her part. She coulda been his pink starburst.
“BEAR. BEAR. BEAR! You’re breaking it! You’re breaking my kayak. Why are you doing that?? Why are you breaking my kayak??”
DON’T YOU THINK HE KNOWS HE’S BREAKING YOUR KAYAK, Inspector Obvious??? That bear knows good and damb well it’s destroying your shit. That’s the point! You came on its territory and you didn’t pay no entrance fees or nothing and maybe on that day, the bear had an argument with its boo and it’s feeling cranky. Plus, you tried to pepper spray it. So… he got reasons.
“GOSH DARNIT. PLEASE STOP, BEAR. It’s the end of September! Why are you here?! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP!!! BEAR. STOP THAT.”
Her nonstop yelling was driving me crazy throughout this video. I can feel her neck veins pop up. I also need her to know that she’s asking a bear questions as if it’s going to answer her and do reasonable things. It is an animal. Why does she seem legit disappointed that it isn’t answering her back?
That “It’s end of September” took me out, though. As if the bear missed his Google Calendar reminder telling him to go to sleep. Besides, global warming is a bitch, ma’am. Hibernation is starting later and later for Bear an’ em. He gotta occupy his time somehow. Messing with whiny white women’s property is one good way.
Bless her annoying ass heart. She really should consider herself lucky for not ending up as bear snack on that day. There is no honor in trying to save a freaking kayak. She is lucky all he damaged was her plastic rowboat. Bye, girl.
I just really appreciate that bear’s commitment to fucking her shit up. It was like:
The moral of this story is: Get insurance for your kayak. Bears gon bear. Don’t try to pepper spray a bear. Find out the bear’s name first. Bears don’t give a damb about your feelings.