This Black Bear is the Real MVP for the Kayak Payback

Some videos bless you by making you howl like someone stepped on your foot. The one of this pissed off black bear who let a kayak feel its wrath has been cracking me up for about 5 good days.

So this lady went on some long distance kayaking trip in Alaska and outside of her cabin, she saw a bear and knew her equipment was in danger. Let’s watch it unfold and let us cackle in delight at this petty ass bear who clearly wanted her to know she wasn’t about that life.

Ok, first of all, the bear seemed like it was chilling and then she threatened to pepper-spray it. That is when Not-Yogi got pissed. Like “Oh word? You gon mace me? Fugg your kayak, lady.” That bear turned around and make that kayak its chew toy as homegirl sat around whining incessantly.

Then she told the bear “Get away from the kayak. Come here.”

Wait. Wayment. You are encouraging a beast to come TO you instead of go to the surfboard with a cover that you own?? What part of the game is that??? You know what you will have no use for if you die? A DAMB KAYAK. If a giant animal with sharp teeth and a head bigger than my body tries to eat my boat, what I will do is let it. I will lock myself in the cabin and wait it out because my life is surely worth more than a gahtdamb kayak. What if that bear decided it was bored with the kayak and needed flesh? One or two good pounces and it would have reached her. It would have been a wrap. This was a goofy move on her part. She coulda been his pink starburst.

“BEAR. BEAR. BEAR! You’re breaking it! You’re breaking my kayak. Why are you doing that?? Why are you breaking my kayak??”

DON’T YOU THINK HE KNOWS HE’S BREAKING YOUR KAYAK, Inspector Obvious??? That bear knows good and damb well it’s destroying your shit. That’s the point! You came on its territory and you didn’t pay no entrance fees or nothing and maybe on that day, the bear had an argument with its boo and it’s feeling cranky. Plus, you tried to pepper spray it. So… he got reasons.

fuck yo couch gif

“GOSH DARNIT. PLEASE STOP, BEAR. It’s the end of September! Why are you here?! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP!!! BEAR. STOP THAT.”

Her nonstop yelling was driving me crazy throughout this video. I can feel her neck veins pop up. I also need her to know that she’s asking a bear questions as if it’s going to answer her and do reasonable things. It is an animal. Why does she seem legit disappointed that it isn’t answering her back?

That “It’s end of September” took me out, though. As if the bear missed his Google Calendar reminder telling him to go to sleep. Besides, global warming is a bitch, ma’am. Hibernation is starting later and later for Bear an’ em. He gotta occupy his time somehow. Messing with whiny white women’s property is one good way.

Bless her annoying ass heart. She really should consider herself lucky for not ending up as bear snack on that day. There is no honor in trying to save a freaking kayak. She is lucky all he damaged was her plastic rowboat. Bye, girl.

I just really appreciate that bear’s commitment to fucking her shit up. It was like:

Bear Flips Table

The moral of this story is: Get insurance for your kayak. Bears gon bear. Don’t try to pepper spray a bear. Find out the bear’s name first. Bears don’t give a damb about your feelings.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • AshP October 4, 2015, 2:44 pm

    For extra fun, I read this aloud and its even funnier. Lol!

  • Tamara October 4, 2015, 2:56 pm

    She talked to it as if it were human.
    She is in the bear’s natural habitat.
    After the first 10 “Stop that, please stop that”, you would think she would have given up and went back in the house.
    I’m on the bear’s side.
    Bear’s are going to bear.

    • howlingbanshee October 14, 2015, 1:55 pm

      …and I just found out about that Grizzly Man documentary.

      I hope Miss Squealy McWhineypants de la Kayak took has taken some time to thank the Good Lord she didn’t wind up doing a remake of the ending.

      Bears are going to bear, indeed.

      • howlingbanshee October 14, 2015, 1:57 pm

        *let’s pretend that the “took” isn’t there, okay?*

  • Shakisha October 4, 2015, 2:56 pm

    OMGGGGG!! The tears I have BEHIND THIS and then your added commentary Luvvie!! I CANT! This video brought me back to that scene in Cast Away, when Tom Hanks was screaming for his friend ‘Wilson’ the volleyball to come back: Wilson! Wilson! Thanks for the laugh!

  • propinquityeffect October 4, 2015, 3:15 pm

    Um, wtf? You assault me, in my habitat and expect me not go get in yo ass? Boy stop.

    #teambear

  • Shay DeShade October 4, 2015, 3:15 pm

    After hearing that voice I’m sure she would have been the bear’s LEMON Starburst.

    • CandigirlinDMV October 8, 2015, 11:13 am

      I was thinking the same thing. The pink ones are too good for her to be compared to!!

  • shimarella October 4, 2015, 3:26 pm

    *dead*

  • Nene October 4, 2015, 3:51 pm

    The Kane Show in DC had a “conversation” with the bear Friday. Dani said the bear didn’t answer her because she kept screaming “BEAR!!” And his name is Timmy and I cackled. Timmy wasn’t here for her noise. #richgirlproblems

  • notconvincedgranny October 4, 2015, 4:04 pm

    By her own ignorant admission, she thought he was supposed to be asleep; therefore, she had to know he had the munchies and was looking for a snack before a long winter’s nap and she looked good for it. The pepper spray just gave him indigestion, so he went for the plastic. It’ll stick to his ribs longer.

  • Jessica October 4, 2015, 4:07 pm

    Had he ripped her vocal chords out I would have been okay with that. She worked on my LAST good damn nerve with that shrill ass voice!

    • Drea823 October 4, 2015, 6:31 pm

      Omg, yes!

      That freaking whine had me chanting STFU, while watching the whole thing.

    • jimmy October 5, 2015, 1:51 am

      Thank you! I was ready to pour grandma’s gravy and some honey on her to get the bear to chew in her throat. Lady please stfu and go in the damn house with all that whining.

    • MzCafe October 5, 2015, 5:21 am

      Her voice was so irritating that I kept looking at the time to see how much longer I can endure -“bear, stop that” LOL

    • Andrea October 7, 2015, 8:40 pm

      Jesus yes. She was such an annoying, whiny ass and I commend the bear for not yanking out her throat just to make her shut up. Like has she ever heard herself?

  • Shakira Harris October 4, 2015, 5:17 pm

    After she pepper sprayed him, he jumped back like “oh for REAL BITCH?!?!! That’s how you feel?! Aight then, watch THIS!” and proceeded to chomp down on her kayak! 😂😂😂 The more she yelled, the harder he gnawed. He was TAUNTING her and I am here for it!

  • Eve Tey October 4, 2015, 5:31 pm

    First world problems!!!! Bwahahaha, she was talking to and pleading with that bear like it was a 5 year old that should know better.

  • Akosua Yamoah October 4, 2015, 5:43 pm

    I have watched this video about 10 times and it makes me crack up every time. Like another poster, I read Luvvie’s commentary aloud and it just added to the hilarity. This woman is a trip. I think she’s deadly serious in expecting the bear to answer her. Maybe she should have tried saying Mr Bear instead of just Bear.

  • Violetfem October 4, 2015, 6:24 pm

    Call me bear one more damb time…

  • Michelle October 4, 2015, 6:46 pm

    I feel like it would’ve gone better if she used his name. He looked like a “Frank” He probably felt disrespected when she kept calling him bear. He was like, eff your kayak! You don’t know my life!

    • notconvincedgranny October 4, 2015, 8:16 pm

      Or Theodore Edward Bear. Ted E. Bear.

      • Michelle October 5, 2015, 9:44 am

        I see what you did there. Clever. Lol

  • Madamsophia October 4, 2015, 7:32 pm

    Stop it Bear. Lmao!

  • Milaxx October 4, 2015, 8:51 pm

    It was the “It’s Sep-TEM-buurrrr, you’re supposed to be asleep!” that really had me howling! Now I just chuckle every time I think about it.

    • pinksanddiva October 5, 2015, 9:29 am

      Like the bear was gonna say “oh, shit, it’s September?? Let me go take my ass to bed! I need a good 5 months of sleep just to function”

  • jcanwisegrrl October 4, 2015, 8:55 pm

    Good GAWDT, her voice is annoying! That nails-on-a-chalkboard ish is probably why Not Yogi decided her kayak was nom nom. That and being maced for no good reason. I hope he farted in her direction for good measure.

  • Erika October 4, 2015, 9:07 pm

    Her whining made me unable to watch the entire video. I also loved how the bear was going on his way until she sprayed him, then he was all “I can show you better than I can tell you cause I’m a bear”. She thought she was in charge and decided to hurt the bear for no reason. Then realized she was in fact not in charge. Silly human.

  • LuvNation Stan October 4, 2015, 9:11 pm

    First, if you want to keep your nice things…put them away when you’re are done with them.
    Second, you pepper spray a bear…be glad he ate the kayak and not your looney behind.
    Third, quit all that darn whining…it’s a bear! He doesn’t understand a word you are saying.

  • Wendy October 4, 2015, 11:38 pm

    But here is what I don’t understand. SHE posted the video to YouTube. Like, why? Did she think she came off well in this whole mess? Like she was at home and thinking, “I’m cute in this video. Imma post it and let everyone see that I tried to negotiate with a bear like it was people. And I lost.”

  • Gillian October 5, 2015, 12:31 am

    Why did this silly woman follow up “thank you for leaving my kayak alone” with “I’m going to pepper spray you now.” I’d have been disappointed in the bear if it HADN’T destroyed her kayak.

    • Soulfli October 7, 2015, 2:49 pm

      Yes!!!!! I totally agree with alladis.

  • jimmy October 5, 2015, 1:43 am

    Dear Bear,

    Thank you. I only wish that bitch and her annoying voice were stranded there with no Wi-Fi and no phone charger. I hope that kayak was delicious.
    Your fan,
    Jimmy
    PS I don’t know why she was calling you to her like you are her pet pooch. She ain’t ready.

  • Emily Harris October 5, 2015, 2:52 am

    I spent the whole video wishing that bear would shake her until she shutthefeckup. I hope he ate her kayak and she was stranded for 8 days. And why she post this video. Did she think she was funny or cute? She was neither.

  • Lisa October 5, 2015, 7:10 am

    The only thing that could have made this anymore a First world problem was if she was wearing UGGS and dropped her pumpkin spice latte.

  • nichole October 5, 2015, 10:21 am

    At :24, when she tells the bear to get away from the kayak, I would swear Bear knows exactly what she is saying and exactly what he/she is getting ready to do.

    You can tell this is a baby bear. Had this been an adult, she would have been an appetizer before the bear’s salmon entree.

    It’s good to know that there are some things we can easily identify as not being “us.” said Rachel Dolezal

  • circa1908 October 5, 2015, 10:32 am

    maybe he has insomnia, or perhaps she woke him as he had just finished all his relaxation teechniques and was just about to fall asleep and then he heard her being all happy and ish and was like WTF cant I get some damb sleep around here Now I gotta go wreck someones ish.

  • Julie October 5, 2015, 6:09 pm

    I really wanted to see mama bear come by and take a swipe at her camera. Your hilarious commentary was the only reason I was able to listen to the whole audio.

  • dallasdrummerchick October 5, 2015, 8:45 pm

    After the bear got pepper sprayed, it probably got hungry. Keep ya ass at home next time.

    White lady: Bear! Stop that!
    Bear: …or what?

  • Mosa October 6, 2015, 7:59 am

    “Bears gon Bear” 😂 😂 you got be on this bus to work in tears.

  • MsZ October 6, 2015, 11:38 am

    “Bears gonna Bear”. Girl. I’m so done with you!! I’m laughing so hard I have tears!!

  • Pilar October 6, 2015, 5:47 pm

    I had to mute the annoying woman. Hugely annoying little voice

  • Andrea October 7, 2015, 8:38 pm

    I’m sure the bear didn’t eat her b/c he could tell she smelled of kale, quinoa, and probably has never used a washcloth…so eating her would have been too much work for too little reward, and probably heartburn.

  • howlingbanshee October 9, 2015, 2:13 pm

    This woman has to be the Queen of Trolls.
    I staunchly – yes I said STAUNCHLY – refuse to believe this chick was serious.
    There’s no way.
    Nope.
    Somebody who could afford to go kayaking and then let their kayak get destroyed set this thing up, like,
    “I’m going to sarcastically do stereotypical white girl things and see how many reverse racists out there fall for it.”

    Dang.
    I tried.
    No matter how to flip this thing and reverse, it still doesn’t make a lick of sense.

  • Abby October 10, 2015, 12:04 pm

    Her voice….it haunts my dreams at night…

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