Dear Cosmopolitan, The Kardashians are Nobody’s First Family
Let me tell you something. The devil be hard at work outchea, y’all. He wants us to get ulcers and high blood pressure because that is the only thing I can think of when Cosmopolitan decided to have their latest cover feature the Kardashians, and the headline being “America’s First Family.” I am here to tell their entire editorial staff to occupy every seat this side of the Equator.
You cannot be serious. I mean this has to be a satirical issue and you must have hired comics from The Onion to help you write it because you really put the Kardashians on your cover and called them “America’s First Family.” I saw it and my head almost exploded in disbelief. It’s one of those things that you have to stare at for awhile because surely it is in nothing but jest.
This is an insult to America and anyone with sense. What are the Kardashians the First Family of? First Family of Plastic Surgery? First Family of Attention Magnets? First Family of Doing the Most with the Absolute Least? First Family of Can’t Have a Damb Seat? First Family of All Fake Everything? First Family of Why Are You Still Famous? First Family of NAWL? They are NOT my damb First Family. NO MA’AM.
How vapid are we? How shallow can we get as a country when you’re calling the people who have been made famous for being desperados for attention our First Family? The only talent amongst them all is the ability to stay relevant in spite of a dearth of talent. That and Kris Jenner’s gift of turning anything bad into an opportunity for capitalizing.
We have a First Family and their names are President Barack Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Malia Ann and Natasha (yes, her first name is Natasha. Sasha is a nickname). Their address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and Mrs. Robinson is the First Grandmother. These filler-filled, implant-obsessed, reality TV stars are not even my 74,534th family, talkless of First. Slap yourself.
I saw that cover and immediately went BISH WHERE? It hurt my feelings a little bit.
Cosmopolitan, y’all reached so hard that you need joint surgery for the tear. Surely you pulled a muscle. You reached so tough that some mountain climbers are about to scale this issue. Here’s the part that makes me facepalm. When your folks at Cosmo were meeting about this magazine, someone said “Let’s call them America’s First Family,” and someone else who was sitting at that table nodded in agreement. Was there nobody at the table who went “hey you guys. Let’s NOT call the Kardashians America’s First Family. Because: Obamas. Also: NO.” Nobody? Bueller?? Whappened? Did logic call in for work that day?
This is also why your editorial staff cannot be full of white girls. And that one Black person who is afraid of losing her job so she keeps quiet and goes home at the end of the day to sit in the dark and lament. You’ve been known to be for, by and about white girls for a long time. Part of the shade here is that a Black family is in the White House yet these white women are being called the First Family OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.
Here’s the extra foolishness: the staff at Cosmo doesn’t even seem that deep to do that on purpose. Like, I’m pretty sure some of them actually think Mean Girls is a manual on what living is like. For them, it’s a documentary on their high school days. This is white privilege at its most… ignorant. It’s so oblivious that it really might not have occurred to them how layered the prejudice of their enthusiasm for the Kardashians might be. They declared Kris, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kendall and Kylie as the most important unit in America. Gag me with a spoon.
This might have been a play at publicity on Cosmo’s part. Kudos to you for being cheap lowest common denominator ass attention tarts too. This is cheap at best, offensive at worst. Stupid for sure.
Someone said we should boycott Cosmopolitan. I totally would but I’d need to already be reading your trash to actively boycott. Since I don’t, that’s not effective. I will, however, keep in mind that your reputation as the magazine for 14 year old girls who want to learn to “kiss for really real” is well-earned. You know your audience and you will cater to them. But next time you want to make such a bold declaration on your cover, check in with the rest of America so we won’t be blind-sided by embarrassment.
The world is already laughing at us. We got Donald Trump and his Squirrel of Azkaban hairhat running for President. And now the Kardashians being called “First Family.” WTF, America? WTF, Cosmo?
Oh and for extra side-eyes, y’all put “easiest workout for an epic ass” on the same cover where you got Kim and Khloe and their literal fake asses. Either someone on your staff is a shady genius, or y’all really are clueless to everything. Either way, you should do better.
Yours in extreme side-eye,
P.S. I need someone to do an end of the year roundup called “10 Times White Publications Got Dragged for Doing Dumb Shit in 2015.” You’re welcome for the idea, BuzzFeed!