By now, you’ve probably heard about the epic tale told by a woman named Zola, about a trip to Florida involving Jess, Z, and Jarrett. If you have not heard of this story, you have not been on the internet for the last 36 hours, and you were probably being productive with your life. Kudos. The rest of us, meanwhile, have been hemmed up as we’ve been riveted by the tales of trapping gone wrong, told by Zola on Twitter. HERE IS THE STORY. READ IT.
I have spent the last day hollering at this story. Zola’s story gave me drama, suspense, comedy and thriller. It was like a ratchet Lifetime Movie and it is worthy of big screen. I’m honestly waiting for someone to run Zola a book deal so I can give her my money because she is a gifted storyteller.
One thing I really appreciated about the story, are the lessons Zola passed on to us. There were so many things to take away to apply to your own life. You might not realize that you could extract teachable moments from tales of 2 strippers taking an ill-forsaken trip to Florida, America’s penis. But you just gotta open your eyes and look all around you. There’s inspiration everywhere.
For example, I never knew “Vibing over our hoeism” is a perfectly acceptable pasttime. Does that mean you create a hoeism playlist and jam together in bonding of shared love of the traplife? Because if so, that sounds great and should be an Apple Music commercial. Or a Spotify playlist we can all subscribe to.
I also didn’t know that there is such a thing as a trap phone. Is it a Blackberry? Because that’s what I picture. I know of burner phones, but trap phones? So niche. So focused. So useful!
The most valuable lesson here, though, is when Zola told Jess off for only getting $100 for turning a trick. Her retort of “Pussy is worth thousands” is a lesson in knowing your worth. The moment she valued Jess’s vagina at thousands, the moment she commanded that. You gotta value yourself higher, everyone. Zola’s trying to put you on game here. Do not underbid yourself or undervalue your Love Pocket.
But there is also the power of taking initiative. When Zola realized that Jess’ pimp was wack, she took matters into her own hands. She is resourceful and she is a go-getter. She would make an amazing employee. Nay, she needs to run her own business. She got so many upper management qualities, which is why she got promoted to lookout real quick by Z. Talk about advancing rapidly. Zola pimped Jess better than her actual pimp. That shows us that WOMEN ARE BETTER AT EVERYTHING. Girl power, really.
Also, when in Florida, you gotta go down to a pool. Because why else are you there, otherwise? Keep your priorities in front of you always.
Finally, white dudes named Jarrett are crazy but misunderstood. Yes, he punched himself multiple times when he was upset but turns out he’s bipolar. Also, he has amazing luck. I won’t lie and say I didn’t howl at the fact that his ass jumped off the balcony and got his pants stuck on it. I pictured a cartoon as I yelped.
Z’s scolding of Jarrett with “FAMILIES LIVE HERE, BRO” had me cackling like a hyena. You do not do reckless shit amongst family zones. You just do not. And it doesn’t matter how much of a villain you are. You gotta have a code. That was Z’s.
Oh Zola, thank you for teaching me the logistics of trapping, the price of Love Pocket selling, and how to trust my instincts. Also, for telling a better story than “The Coldest Winter Ever.” This was like “The Wire” meets “Coldest Winter Ever” meets “Diary of a Mad Black Woman.” Writing ass Zola.
Seriously. This was a well-done piece of literature. Definitive beginning, ramped up with a climax (not from Jess), conflict, escalation, plot twists and a wrapped up ending where we find out what happened to the characters. The shit had an epilogue, y’all. It even gave us characters we hated first but came to care about (like Jarrett). Zola needs to write stories for a living because she is more talented than she realizes.
Anywho, the internet has been blessed with this story. Yes, if it’s true, it’s terrible implications but I will behave like this is a work of fiction for me to enjoy, dambit.
The moral of all of this:
don’t go to Florida. The trap life is not glamorous. Don’t take hoe trips with someone you just met at Hooters.
P.S. I wonder who will play each of the characters in the movie. My boy LV said: “Jessie Pinkman gotta play Jarrett.. KeKe Palmer already said she down to play Zola. Get Adebisi from Oz as Z. I see Bokeem Woodbine killing it as dude with the dreads. Jess gotta be Taryn Manning.”
PERFECT! YUP! Orrr Lindsay Lohan as Jess. But Bokeem Woodbine was MADE to be in a project of this caliber. I don’t care if all he got is a cameo.