Since this was President Barack Obama’s last State of the Union address, I had hopes for him. Like I wrote on my column at TheGrio yesterday, I wanted him to go full Team Petty. Especially since his promo picture for it was this Dos Equis ad.
I just knew he was gon show up and show out. I said:
During the speech, I want him to talk about his haters, and how they’ve tried their best to be enemies of progress in this country. At which point, the camera needs to pan to Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and the rest of their Republican cohorts.
I want ‘Rack to roll up on that stage and tell Congress that they’ve been classless wonders, and that the rebounding economy is happening in spite – not because – of them. At which point, he then commands them to “get their sh*t together because I don’t have time.” This is when Democrats need to stand up and give him a standing ovation because they too should be sick of the shenanigans of the GOP and their new Tea Party overlords.
He did do some of that but not enough. Full-speed Petty Barack wasn’t in the building like I wanted him to be. There was shade thrown at his haters during the speech but I feel like he played it to safe when he didn’t really need to. He coulda gone all the way in and showed people how fuck-deficient he really is. He just showed speckles of it.
* Why does First Lady Michelle come to slay EACH AND EVERY single time?!? She showed up in this marigold dress that read as tangerine on screen and I hollered about her citrusy goodness.
LAWDT! FLOTUS Shellie don’t come to play but to slay! She told y’all she’s about to show off this FIGURE and y’all will deal. I LIVE.
* WHERE WAS THE THEME MUSIC FOR THE PRESIDENT AS HE ENTERED?!? COME ON, MAN! Y’all KNOW he deserves a hype intro. I really wanted him to stroll in to some Kendrick Lamar, so he could be HELLA Black and make the people there uncomfortable with his swagnificence. Such a lost opportunity.
* How cute is the bromance between President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden? I am convinced that they call each other up before major events and coordinate their #alphets in someway. Last night, they rocked matching diagonal stripes on their ties and I was swooning. I want someone to look at me like Joe Biden looks at President Obama. He always looks so proud. Like “You see him, you see me.” Uncle Joe was back there the entire time looking like he had plans to give Barry the world’s most legit chest bump the moment they were done. I love their love. They’re totally bestie goals. Their bromance game is stronger than the economy.
* How was I supposed to concentrate on the speech when Paul Ryan was behind the President looking like Dobby the House Elf after someone refused to throw him the sock they promised? How was I supposed to have peace when I knew exactly what Eddie Munster would look like as an adult? How was I supposed to function when his resting bitch face was such a distraction? He was so dour the entire time, clapping like twice. Ugh.
* Did anybody have to go to the gym today after all the standing ovations they gave the President? They were basically doing squats all night. Hamstrings gotta be on swole.
* What type of folder did President Obama put all the receipts he brought for his accomplishments? I think it was one of those accordion joints, since they were so plentiful. You know he notarized them too.
He talked about how he’s fixed the economy and gas is now under $2. And then when he devoted time to talking about how he’s been committed and continues to be ready to defeat terrorism, he let his inner Petty Wap out so proper. “If you wonder if I am committed, ask Osama Bin Laden.” ALL THE WELPS THAT EVER WELPED IN WELPCHESTER. I hollered for real! Come through then!
* Why didn’t the President dropkick the podium as he left? I had ONE wish and that was it. I wanted him to drop the mic and exit with a high five to Michelle and a dap routine to Uncle Joe. He didn’t though so I has the disappoint. I won’t lie.
BONUS question: WHO LET KIM DAVIS IN? Iunno but I already wrote about that. And the other questions I do have, about whether Miss Edith Childs won the evening? Well I already answered on another post. You should read my other post, in case you haven’t. Winning at SOTU: Miss Edith Childs. Losing: Kim Davis’ Mullet