Winning at SOTU: Miss Edith Childs. Losing: Kim Davis’ Mullet
The 2016 State of the Union Address (and last of the Obama Administration) was full of entertainment. Y’all know I watch some of these shows to be the lady on the stoop roasting everyone. This is why people miss me sometimes when I don’t live-tweet shows and events. You’re basically missing Miss Benita.
ANTYWAY, in the one hour that President Obama spoke, he commanded my attention fully. Unless he didn’t because certain people almost stole his shine. Let me take that back. Someone DID steal Barack’s shine and her name is Edith Childs, a councilmember from Greenwood, South Carolina.
Please get these eye riches and behold Miss Edith in her glory.
Now you know good and damb well you gotta call her Miss Edith. Don’t walk around calling her “Edith” like she’s your age mate. WHO RAISED YOU? WOLVES?
Please get into this woman and get your life. The moment I saw her on my screen looking like her outfit was sponsored by God’s favor, I HOLLERED. The sequins hat was what got my attention first, sitting on her scalp perched like a crown because she is a QUEEN. Miss Edith is my patronus. If dementors ever came around me, she’d just stop them with the shine of being saved, then the shine from her outfit. I know she got a glitter brooch that says “Jesus” like my Granny did.
She is everything I aspire to be. Cranky, bedazzled and judging everyone. She’s sitting there like she wants to take a switch to Paul Ryan’s non-clapping ass. You know he spent most of the speech looking like someone didn’t cut the crust off his peanut butter and jelly sammich like he asked. Miss Edith might have been staring him down, wondering why he can’t respect the office of the President by putting his palms together two good times.
Miss Edith will be my mentor, if it’s God’s will because she got things to teach me, like how to let people know how unbothered I am with one look. Is she looking for mentees? Where do I apply? Am I worthy? These are just a few questions I have for Miss Edith. I am but a humble millennial looking to get cantankerous before I even qualify for AARP. Can she lead me to the light?
I know she can, because she just seems like a good church mother. You know the one who’s been on the Usher Board for 25 years, and she is the one who calls the #alphet colors every Sunday. And you know if you do not own a lavender blouse, it is up to you to look up and down to find one. Pray about it, chile. The Lord will make a way. She won’t lead you astray. These color schemes were fasted on and she touched and agreed upon them with the co-Head Usher, therefore they must come to pass.
Mother Childs is the Matron Saint of Not Giving a Damb and she is my everything. Now, her scowl is not to be confused with another’s.
On the other end of the spectrum of life-giving resplendence is the human tofu, Kim Davis. She’s the woman who refused to give a marriage license to a safe sex couple. Somehow, she managed to be in the building, and I’m mad at whoever invited her. I know it wasn’t the Obamas. Was she there because of affirmative action? I think they needed to balance out the SLAY quotient of the night. Amidst all those bright suits and LAID hair, they needed to bring the level of FIERCE down so someone had Kim show up. In this alphet:
The Ghost of Prejudice Present and her Mullet of Malice. This woman here. Someone said she’s Monday, if Monday was a person. And I cackled for 15 minutes, because it’s true. You know how you feel when you just had an amazing vacation with bae and y’all reached new levels in your relationship and then you get back home and realize you gotta get ready for work that starts in the morning? That feeling is Kim Davis’ whole persona.
This mullet, though. It’s not even business in the front, party in the back. It’s camping in the front, bed head in the back. None of it makes sense. Why is it so high and slick then long and frizzy?
And you got invited to the State of the Union address but decided to wear an UGLASS sweater that looked like it was made of kitchen mittens. What part of the game is that? The sad part is that this is probably her special occasion sweater. You ain’t got the right to be this much of a bigot AND be unstylish. You gotta pick one. It’s the first that’s making me make fun of her for the 2nd. If she was a decent person, I might let her cook a little bit.
The folks on my Awesomely Luvvie FB page went in so bad, I had to quit them all.
* She had been saving her highest hairpiece, strongest bobby pins and finest Dress Barn patriotic sweater for such an event. – BKC
* The sweater is the Savior of all things Extreme Christian right. It smells like the scorn of unwed mothers, homophobia, burned PPH pamphlets and Donald Trump’s hairspray. – MR
* She stood on her faith, so she must go to church every Sunday. How in God’s name don’t she possess one Sunday outfit? Not a Christmas skirt, a mother’s day shirt, or an Easter hat to hide that hair. Shit she was dressed better when she went to court. I guess she said frak y’all. Y’all gonna put me in the last row like I showed up late for the new Tyler Perry movie I’m gonna dress like the hypocrite that I am. – SG
* Is she wearing a Bumpit of Bigotry in her hair?! – CH
* She looks like she just found out the President is Black. Like she got an invitation and had no idea what the State of the Union was and just came anyway and what like “what the hell?” – NR
* Seems like she and Paul Ryan were having a Resting Mad Face contest – CL
* So this is why the bible says we should not mix fabrics (Leviticus 19:19). Lord she is breaking the rules so badly. – NM
I’m done. None of y’all are any good. How am I supposed to get my VIP pass into the Golden Gates of Heaven from St. Peter when I’m howling so loudly at the roast of Kim Davis?
Whew, bless that mess. Lemme leave Kim Davis alone. Like style did.
Anyone else writing Mother Edith love letters, doe?
P.S. My recap of the actual SOTU address is coming. I just had to get this out of the way first so I can clear my conscience.