Let me tell you something. Every generation has its shame, and ours is probably going to be the fact that placing your forearm on your forehead is a dance move and we dared to name it (The Dab). That, and anything Miley Cyrus has ever done.
The folks who grew up in the 60s and 70s had their fair share too. They majored in mad corny stuff, and they flaunted em. I came across a relic from the past and cackled to the sky. I present to you: The Love Rug.
Lawddd behold this aphrodisiac carpet, featuring sexy eyes from a guy I imagine is named “Dale.” Iunno why. I just take him to be a Dale.
If you can’t read the caption, let me help. It says:
“The Love Rug: Strokes your bodies as you make love. Once you feel the sensuous delight of the furry Love Rug, you’ll never go back to an ordinary bed again. As you stroke, it strokes. The incredible soft, furlike fibers caress your bodies from head to toe. It’s almost like having another lover there with the two of you.The Love Rug is as beautiful to look at as it is to feel. Only another animal of its stripe could tell it wasn’t real fur. Only $150 in your favorite fur texture. Choose Mink, Lynx or Jaguar. But be sure to order now.”
Ok I have questions, comments and feedback. PICK ME, TEACHER.
First of all, who was sitting around one day and thought what people were missing in their sex lives was a rug that would stroke them? They say you find success when you solve a problem that people have. Who knew that 3rd party stroking from a carpet was a problem Americans were having in order to properly get their cookies off? WHO???
And then, this Love Rug is promising a lot. It is over promising here, talmbout once folks feel it, they’ll never go back to making the secks on a bed again. Really? Because it is just so incredible that you’d look at your bed with disgust and disappointment. Your bed doesn’t “stroke as you stroke.” Which, I have concerns about that. Why do I need my carpet to stroke me? How lonely for touch and sensation were people? Apparently, the Love Rug turns your horizontal tango session into a threesome. Since the carpet is putting in work, it is considered a lover. I’m over here creeped out by the idea of it.
Furthermore, get into it because even though it is not fur, they’re telling you that you ain’t gon be able to tell the difference. Real Minx, Jaquar and Lynx should be insulted by this strangerbish that is purporting to be their luxuriousness.
All I know is if you need a damb magic stroking carpet that strokes to please your partner, you’re hustling backwards. Aladdin ain’t ride around the world for the sex shaggy carpet.
I hope nobody was buying what Delectable Dale was tryna sell. I wonder who bought this Love Rug, though I bet Larry Flynt did. Because: obviously. Be still my tacky heart.
P.S. Ok one more question. How often are people cleaning their Love Rugs? Where does this rug stay? Because all that body juice and all those wet spots do not self-clean. Seriously. This thing is gross.