The Night of the 2016 Iowa Caucus Was Long and Treacherous

Iowa Caucus 2016

Yesterday was the highly-anticipated Iowa Caucus, where a small state with really white people somehow predict who the final nominees for the parties will be. And it’s the first caucus of the season and people try to win delegates and OMG I JUST FELL ASLEEP FROM TYPING THOSE SENTENCES.

Long story short, people look to Iowa to set the tone for the rest of the campaign season.

Anywho, the winner on the Republican side was Ted Cruz, and the only reason anyone is happy about that is he managed to beat Donald Trump, whose arrogance and awfulness as a person is why we must all rise up in a collective fast and prayer vigil to ensure he never wins. Mind you, Cruz is also a cartoon villain and he would be no better than Trump as President but we just wanted Trump not to come in first place. To humble him a little bit. Rubio came in a close third place.

The rest of the candidates lost sorely. Like… they should all just collect their things and go home.

GOP Iowa Caucus

There is just no joy here. Every one of them makes me wanna get as rabid as the animal who died to make a wig for Donald Trump to wear. They are what idiocracy looks like. Look at their faces. Smug bastards. The entire lineup of GOP candidates is proof that over-affirming kids can be bad, because mediocrity mistakes itself for superiority. This is what happens when your parents tell you that you can be anything. YOU CANNOT BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, MIKE HUCKABEE. I saw Rick Santorum was still on the ballot and I wonder why no one told him that sometimes, quitting is the ONLY option.

If anyone on the GOP side who got less than 5% of the votes is still in this race, they need to be given wedgies. You know what being a sore loser is like? Getting 2% of votes and not saying “OK FINE, I QUIT” immediately. How is it that they didn’t step up behind a podium and gracefully bow out this race?? They gotta let it go like Frozen. I bet 6 of the Republican candidates couldn’t even get their parking validated last night. They didn’t qualify. You had to get at least 5% of the votes for your ticket to be stamped, and well. They did not.

And Ben Carson is up there looking like Uncle Tom Ruckus. I can’t even. Is he even allowed at the Family Cookout anymore? Surely his card isn’t being renewed this year.

hate everyone gif

Anywho, the Democratic side is what made the Iowa Caucus long as hell. Many people thought Hillary Clinton would be a sure win, but Bernie Sanders showed up and gave her a run for her money. So much so that they essentially tied, which for Bernie, is a win. They were neck and neck when 98% of the precincts were reported so it was like double overtime. Hillary was eventually declared the winner, but that just happened today. I hoped someone was on the ground to hand out Neosporin to everyone who was feeling the Bern.

Oh and Martin O’Malley dropped out, after getting like 0.00000000003% of votes. And I was all “Who is Martin O’Malley?” He probably realized he was done in this race when folks saw him in Iowa and thought he was the best person to ask for directions on how to get to the Piggly Wiggly. And he was all “I AM HERE AS A CANDIDATE.” And they replied with “Sure ok.” Or “Do other people know?”

Dems Iowa Caucus gif

Bless it.

The campaign season continues and I’m already over it. I’m enthused about nobody and I’m disgusted by the entire GOP side. I’m on Team IHateEveryone2016. IDKNOTTRUMPTHO2016. PLEASEGODLETITBEOVERSOON2016. IDRATHERVOTEFORJAFARFROMALADDIN2016. ISITOVERYET2016

P.S. WHY AND HOW IS TED CRUZ ELIGIBLE TO RUN FOR POTUS??? Can’t someone call his Canadian-born ass to the carpet? Isn’t the Constitution vague enough for this to be challenged??

I just hate them all and I wish paper cuts and every other petty thing on the GOPs.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Regina February 2, 2016, 1:09 pm

    “This is what happens when your parents tell you that you can be anything. YOU CANNOT BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, MIKE HUCKABEE.”

    I hollered! I too don’t trust anyone of these folks to run the country. I’m #TeamElectBarackAgain #TeamTheseAintQualified

  • Aisha February 2, 2016, 1:13 pm

    Honestly y’all… I worked with Ted when he was the Solicitor General of Texas. As bad as both these dudes are, if the free world had to make a trip to hell in a hand basket, I’d roll with Trump any day before hopping in the CruzMobile. Ugh. #ShudderingAtMemories

    • Ginger Watson February 2, 2016, 1:41 pm

      Bless your heart and soul. Post traumatic stress I bet. Sending you love.

    • Shay February 2, 2016, 4:54 pm

      Dayum! That’s a weighty proclamation. We need to say some prayers tonight. I’m actually scared.

  • Marie Gettel-Gilmartin February 2, 2016, 1:19 pm

    They are all flawed, yes, and I don’t blame you for not feeling enthusiastic about any of them. BUT ANY OF THE DEMS ARE A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN THE REPUBS. We cannot let a joker like Cruz, Trump, or even Rubio overturn all the good things President Obama has done in the past 8 years, in spite of all the opposition, racism, and hatred he has endured.

    We must unite!!

    • Rachael February 2, 2016, 2:56 pm

      I don’t know how to be enthusiastic about either party. I was a democrat when I registered to vote, 20 years ago, because I thought that was the best option. Until I worked for one of the largest political fundraisers in the country, at that point, I became an independent. Hillary is part of the Clinton camp, and they lie. I don’t know if I really believe that she will keep us moving forward. Plus, the Clinton administration is the one that enacted some of the harshest drug sentences, for minor possession, not to mention NAFTA. I’m tired having to choose the lesser of two evils.

      • notconvincedgranny February 2, 2016, 3:09 pm

        Repeat after me: all politicians lie. all politicians lie. A politician is your worst boyfriend, promising what he knows good and gaht damn well he has no intention of doing/giving/being. All you can do is vote for the least outrageous tale.

      • Lola February 2, 2016, 8:04 pm

        Unfortunately, though, there is substantial difference between the two evils. When you look at what each of the leading Rs is proposing vs. what Hillary and Bernie are, it’s not a world you’d want to live in if you care about keeping all President Obama has accomplished in place. And, the biggest deal is the Supreme Court. The next pres may select up to four justices, and to protect/restore voting rights, women’s healthcare, and civil rights, you definitely don’t want someone who’s going to appoint a conservative to that post.

        • MommieDearest February 3, 2016, 9:26 pm

          “…the biggest deal is the Supreme Court. The next pres may select up to four justices, and to protect/restore voting rights, women’s healthcare, and civil rights, you definitely don’t want someone who’s going to appoint a conservative to that post.”

          And THIS is why I will vote for whichever Democrat wins the nomination.

          Otherwise, I’m with notconvincedgranny – ALL politicians lie. They ALL have dirt under their fingernails. Some more than others.

  • Lorna February 2, 2016, 2:04 pm

    “…a small state with really white people…”

    I quit you, Luvvie. You made me spill Hot TOMATO Soup all over my white #Alphet when I died laughing.

    Best line ever written anywhere, Ever!

    • Serenity February 2, 2016, 5:15 pm

      You ain’t had no business eating tomato soup while wearing white. You know the rules!

  • Susie Kline February 2, 2016, 3:30 pm

    I didn’t even know O’Malley was still in it. Whenever he was pictured with Bernie and Hillary I thought he was the guy there to keep them from beating each other up.

    I’m with you, Luvvie. I’m over this political season already. Let us vote now, because I cannot take another 8 months of this dreck! I get email begging for money, telling me we cannot give up, telling me it’s in my hands. I delete it all without reading. I’m unsubscribing madly. And. It. Just. Keeps. Coming.

    Jeb Bush got 3% and I’m dancing in the streets. Well, I would be if it wasn’t thunderstorming here in Chicagoland…

  • Lalarochelle February 2, 2016, 6:21 pm

    Poor O’Malley. He was the Rodney Dangerfield of the Dems. No respect. Did you see how he was treated during the debates? #speakwhenspokento and we ain’t said your name lol. Wondering if he’s gonna get someone’s VP nod. I think Hillary is more upset that Bernie has turned this into a real race. She thought there’d be no competition for the nomination. How could she not with a Dem field looking like a 2 and a possible lol

  • Siima February 2, 2016, 10:53 pm

    ”If anyone on the GOP side who got less than 5% of the votes is still in this race, they need to be given wedgies.” BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA this killed me!! Luvvie on point as always. Now I’m going to have to start wishing wedgies on people who piss me off with their stupidity. *virtual high five*

  • Lincoln February 4, 2016, 2:40 pm

    I don’t understand the Iowa/Massachusetts thing. How can two states that are so NOT representative of the rest of the country be “the Deciders” for the rest of us? Is it the deep fried foods in Iowa that seal the deal? I promise you don’t have to run for president to eat deep fried butter and Snickers.

    I want Chicago/Detroit/Los Angeles/Miami primaries. During Gay Pride in Miami, WNBA finals in LA, January in Detroit, and hockey season in Chicago. Let’s see how people perform in crowds under pressure.