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The Great Candy Debate: Because Sweets Ain’t A Game

Y’all know how seriously we take candy around these parts. There have been many conversations about candy here. Like the fact that yellow starbursts are the ones you give your archnemesis. And how candy corn is the devil.

Well, last year, my friends and I entered into a serious discussion about candies that are clearly here to destroy us. Below is what happened. WHAT TEAM ARE YOU ON? As long as you don’t rep for Black licorice, we gon be alright.


Maiya: Twizzlers taste like the scraps of those old bubble gum wax teeth that were sold during Halloween.

Luvvie: I just tasted it in my mouth. That’s how vivid that memory is. lol

Britni: Twizzlers are an abomination. Straight up.

Twizzlers

Luvvie: I can’t even defend Twizzlers, even though I do partake in some twizzle snacking from time to time. I just can’t defend it. It does taste like red-flavored wax. Yes, red is a flavor.

Britni: No self-respecting woman from California can ever condone consuming Twizzlers. My kid picked up a pack of Twizzlers at 7-11 once and I almost slapped them out of his hand. I was like, YO, WE’RE FROM LOS ANGELES! We don’t eat that ish.

Scott: I’d rather eat a cherry Chapstick than a Twizzler.

Maiya: Twizzlers are so terrible, you can’t even tell when they go bad. Somebody offered me one of the jelly filled kind once and I threatened their life before I realized what I was saying.

Da: Twizzlers do NOT taste the way they smell..if they did, I’d love them.

Maiya: I feel like Twizzlers are a fusion food of sort. Like they may have started off being marketed as edible birthday candles, but the jerks that produce them just stopped telling folks to light those suckas up.

Karima: Just because Twizzlers are Red, don’t make them right. If you need to eat Red, have some Swedish Fish. Keep your mind and your life right.

Luvvie: SWEDISH FISH?!?! Them joints taste like everlasting tapioca balls. They get all stuck in your teeth and you gotta chew one for 5 minutes. NO THANK YOU! Swedish fish is what happened when someone’s cherry gum didn’t GUM alla way over. I just threw a pillow at the thought of that failed experiment that people love.

This is rubber. You cannot tell me otherwise.

This is rubber. You cannot tell me otherwise.

Britni: Swedish Fish are just Twizzlers shaped like ugly trout. They ain’t fooling nobody.

Luvvie: Mike & Ikes taste like Skittles that failed their mission. That is another candy that your dentist will hate you for. Or they might love you because you will fund their next vacation with treatments you need. Ol’ stick to the middle of every tooth ass clingy ass candy. Sabotage, man. They don’t even taste good enough to risk that. Mike & Ike’s are the Drake of candy.

Maiya: Mike & Ike’s are codependent as hell. Be all on your teeth like, “Don’t ever leave me, ok?”

Luvvie: Black licorice tastes like despair, disappointment and unrealized potential. Anyone who eats that cannot be trusted. #RemoveThemFromShelvesReedemerofSins

Basically. From NatalieDee.com

Basically. From NatalieDee.com

Maiya: OMG! If you eat black licorice willingly, you have no soul. Like you totally pawned it at Beelzebub’s Bazaar and lost the claim ticket.

Britni: Dude, I met somebody who said they preferred black licorice. I got the hell away from them QUICKLY. They were clearly up to no good.

Luvvie: Of ALL things in this glorious world to love… BLACK LICORICE?!? That person doesn’t wanna win at anything. They must not like to have nice things.

Britni: Man, people who enjoy Twizzlers are misguided souls, but people who love black licorice will Hannibal Lector your soul.

Britni: Candy Corn is the Black Israelites of Halloween. They so loud & proud and militant.

Luvvie: hahahahaha omg Britni. And wrong. So they’re the Westboro Baptist of Candy?

Britni: No…that’s black licorice. But they close.

Luvvie: True. Black licorice is hate. Pure hate. Totally Westboro. Candy Corn is Scientology. It’s trying really hard but only cultists are here for it.

Maiya: Candy corn be trying to recruit on Crenshaw in front of Louisiana Fried Chicken with pamphlets and a bullhorn.

Candy Corn Gross

Britni: Candy Corn be dressed like leftover Jedi Knights come November 1. Just looking all lost and out of place.

Scott: Candy corn is just some shady cornstarch and carnauba wax trying to lip sync for it’s life.

Kell: I say death to all these gummy candies that are bad jelly beans in disguise. It’s like they all wanted to go to Jelly Belly University, but didn’t get accepted so they are graduates of ITT Tech Candy Institute.

Although I indulge in Hot Tamales from time to time. I can’t be around my husband because cinnamon candy and gum makes him want to kick puppies. Plus, I can only stand to burn my taste buds off once a year. I mean, really–a box of 8,000 pieces only costs a dollar. I’m not sure we’re even supposed to be ingesting them.

Luvvie: LOLLLL “ITT Tech Candy Institute.” Everest Sweets College dropouts, Kell. But what I hate with the intensity of 1,000 African suns is those Peeps that are around Easter. I CANNOT DEAL WITH THAT INDECISIVE MARSHMALLOW TRAGEDY.

Kell: PEEPS ARE EVIL IN THE FLESH. Sticky, gritty, dye-tasting flesh.

Maiya: Peeps are marshmallows coated in sugar. Who ever thought that was a good IDEA?!? I remember trying them when I was younger and making the sour beer face because all I tasted was sweetened dye. I’m frowning now.

Luvvie: OMG cinnamon gum is a weapon of taste buds destruction. When the slow burn starts on your tongue, you just start questioning where you went wrong in life and decision-making. It’s offensive.

Because who needs jabanero pepper when you can just burn the roof of your mouth with this?

Because who needs jabanero pepper when you can just burn the roof of your mouth with this?

Britni: Cinnamon gum is the weapon of choice of church grannies to get you to STFU during the sermon.

Kell: I hate cinnamon gum. SO. MUCH. Like, hot tamales fade. That cinnamon gum cloaks your mouth with a sickly sweet smell *gag*

Da: Cinnamon Big Red might as well be wasabi and ginger strips in foil.

Britni: Airheads, Laffy Taffy, and all that other crap are weapons of mass destruction for your teeth.

Luvvie: Now and Laters too. But I loved them fiercely. i just dont know if my adult teeth can hang

Britni: Oh…nah…we can’t talk shit about ghetto ambrosia aka Now & Laters.

Kell: Ooooh…nowenlaters.

Who needs teeth attached to their gums?

Who needs teeth attached to their gums?

Britni: BTW: Why are they called now AND laters? Don’t nobody say that properly. Just “Now Laters.”

Luvvie: Tell the truth and shame the devil, Britni. Them things will pull out your teeth. NAHLADUHS

Da: Okay so growing up in the hood, i never knew they were called NOW or LATERS cause i never saw them in a package, just individually wrapped when my friends would say “aye you want some Annihilators?”

Kell: You know when you find that now & later in your bag that’s been there for months, and it’s kinda soft but still kinda hard? And it’s the best fucking thing on the planet? And you hold onto it until it is a tiny dagger slicing your tongue and the roof of your mouth? No? Just me? Oh.

Maiya: Now & Laters were the ultimate test of patience and fortitude. There was always that point where you weigh the pros & cons of chewing it or sucking on it. Takes to long to eat sucking on it, but chewing on it might give you lockjaw. The ultimate struggle…

Kell: Can we talk about how blow-pops are for when you want your entire mouth to hate you?

Luvvie: OMG BLOW POPS!!! They get those cracks in them and cut the hell out the roof of your mouth. Mouth be blue and hurting. It was my daily ritual in 8th grade.

RIP the roof of your mouth.

RIP the roof of your mouth.

Kell: There’s a certain point where the blow-pop itself becomes a scalpel and slices the roof and the tongue at the SAME. TIME.

Maiya: Blow pops are for masochists

Britni:  I always wanted to know why the gum in the Blow Pop was so subpar. Like 5 chews and all the flavor was gone. WOMP! You know what’s the swindle? Those Tootsie pop suckers masquerading as Blow Pops.

Maiya:  I used to be HOT if I got a tootsie roll center instead of a blow pop. Whose bright ass idea was it to put a candy shell over chocolate taffy?? Probably that meddling ass owl.

Da: Hierarchy of Lollipops:

  1. 2.99 Swirly Lollipops you moma would never buy from the gourmet candy store
  2. BlowPops
  3. Tootsie Pops
  4. nope
  5. nope
  6. nope
  7. nope
  8. nope
  9. nope
  10. dumdums from the bank.

This went on and on for another 30 minutes. The fact that we really spent this much time breaking down candy like this is how I know I have awesome friends.

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43 Comments

  1. March 28, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    Chocolate, ya’ll…
    Chocolate is ALWAYS the answer!

    • Karen
      March 28, 2016 at 12:57 pm

      Not when it encapsulates the caramel nightmare that is a Mars Bar. Disgusting!

      • Danni's mom
        March 28, 2016 at 1:21 pm

        Those things are the devil!!!!

      • March 28, 2016 at 8:23 pm

        I hate those. Masquerading as a snickers.

    • Rena
      March 29, 2016 at 11:57 am

      Chocolate in foil is a Trojan Horse for your taste buds. Oh look! Chocolate in a pretty outfit – but look closer, that outfit is from 1975 w/ platform shoes.

  2. MissusMax
    March 28, 2016 at 1:03 pm

    So my then 40-year-old self copped a grape nawladah from a coworker’s desk. Ooooohhh weeeee, it’s gonna be good! Yaaasss! Two half chews in and *crunch*. Da fuq? That damn candy took out my EXPENSIVE A S S PORCELAIN CROWN!! Two temp crowns & one hunnid & eighty dollars later, I now sport a gold crown (yup, gold tooth) in the back of my mouth. I’m now convinced the candy we loved as kids was so good because our dumb butts didn’t know better AND teeth were gonna fall out anyway so no harm, no foul.

    Peeps are Satan’s dried up snot rockets, ftr.

    • TroublemakerSupreme
      March 28, 2016 at 1:12 pm

      You got gold in your mouth? DAYUM! Off candy? Did you make a conscious decision or…

  3. Tamiya
    March 28, 2016 at 1:08 pm

    I have GOT to stop reading these at work. I get side eyed all day because I’m crackin’ UP at my desk.

  4. Elaine
    March 28, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    What is wrong with y’all taste buds? Twizzlers, Swedish Fish & Mike and Ikes are my candy of choice for an afternoon at the movies. Grab a coupla bags from the dollar store, throw then in my big ass purse, & enjoy, enjoy, enjoy…

    I don’t know if we can be friends any more… :shrugs:

    • mobaygurl
      March 28, 2016 at 5:36 pm

      I’ll sit with you Elaine. I love Swedish fish and Mike & Ike’s!

    • ifyouevercomeback
      March 31, 2016 at 12:58 pm

      I could hang with you cause I love all of them. I also love candy corn and marshmallow peeps, No shame.

  5. TroublemakerSupreme
    March 28, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    Nawladers are a mess. the trick is to hold them in your mouth for like 2 minutes, to soften them up, then you can suck vigorously. NEVER CHEW!
    As a hardheaded child, who eventually had a mouthful of braces, I learned many of lessons about candy. Starbursts, Mike & Ike and their ilk became the devil overnight and I refused to let go. I had to have so many brackets replaced in the first 6 months… Moms was FURIOUS! I learned to like hard candy; Jolly Ranchers were lit, but only watermelon, cherry, and green apple – and not grape or blue raspberry. I was never a fan of having a blue or purple mouth so when those new flavored Blow Pops hit the scene circa 1993, I wasn’t interested. Once the braces came off… I swear I ate an entire plastic bag of Starbursts in like a week – now i can’t bring myself to eat more than a few pieces a year, and only the pink or red ones.
    I have issues with colors and my food.

  6. Aisha Milburn
    March 28, 2016 at 2:07 pm

    Y’all… I’m not gon’ lie. I have a daughter who enjoys candy from time to time. I have another who must be made of sugar and thinks Candy Land is a real place. I’m seriously contemplating buying black licorice concentrate and putting a dab on candy every time she asks for it. Maybe she’ll be like “me and candy don’t get along.”

    I still remember my first taste of that vile flavor (jelly beans). I didn’t think I’d ever stop gagging.

  7. Cris W.
    March 28, 2016 at 2:22 pm

    Calling my therapist because this post has forced me to relive a childhood trauma that was Good & Plenty candy! Ooooo – pretty pretty pink and white candies with the black innards of horror! They were both the opposite and threatening with their name. They were not good, and that there were plenty in a box, was just simply sinister!

    • March 28, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      I HATED those. Remember they had the fruity ones too?

      • Cris W.
        March 29, 2016 at 9:21 am

        OOOH NO! Fool me once shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me! Never tried the Good & Fruity! I learned my lesson!

    • Yvonne
      April 2, 2016 at 6:29 pm

      I remember this theme song for Good n Plenty. I liked it so much I begged my dad for a box and sang it before I tried the beautiful pink (I only liked the pink colored ones) HORROR!!! 😖😖😖. They were awful. I spit it out, but kept the box as a reminder to Never Never eat those again. “Choo Choo Charlie was an engineer. Choo Choo Charlie was his name we hear. He had an engine and it sure was fun. He had good n plenty candy to make the train run.”

  8. Maxine Shaw, attorney-at-LOL
    March 28, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    A dude who eats Dum-Dums is a dude who doesn’t pay child support. Guarantee it. I see Terrence Howard in my head and he is ALWAYS eating one of those things.

  9. Tonia
    March 28, 2016 at 3:26 pm

    This article encapsulated EVERYTHING I hate about each candy y’all mentioned! All of them is a lie and ain’t got the truth in this them!!!

  10. dmcmillian72
    March 28, 2016 at 3:58 pm

    And the winner is…KELL!

    This was hilarious to me, because #True

    Kell: You know when you find that now & later in your bag that’s been there for months, and it’s kinda soft but still kinda hard? And it’s the best fucking thing on the planet? And you hold onto it until it is a tiny dagger slicing your tongue and the roof of your mouth? No? Just me? Oh.

    Hahaha!!! But this…?!

    Kell: There’s a certain point where the blow-pop itself becomes a scalpel and slices the roof and the tongue at the SAME. TIME.

    Y’ALL!!! I discovered one of those hidden “bubbles” in a blow pop once that sliced into my tongue SO DEEP! I bled for like a whole minute! But that DID NOT stop me from finishing my watermelon blow pop (best flavor EVER! Lol!

  11. Ashley
    March 28, 2016 at 6:46 pm

    When I tell you I nodded my head from beginning to end reading this from Kell:

    Kell: You know when you find that now & later in your bag that’s been there for months, and it’s kinda soft but still kinda hard? And it’s the best fucking thing on the planet? And you hold onto it until it is a tiny dagger slicing your tongue and the roof of your mouth? No? Just me? Oh.

    No, Kell, it’s not just you, it’s me too, all damn day

  12. Peggy Schuyler
    March 28, 2016 at 6:56 pm

    Twizzlers (and Red Vines which are Twizzlers’ crack baby cousin) suck. But I don’t know what’chall talkmbout with Swedish fish. I find them to be absolutely delectable. Then again, I do enjoy the occasional black licorice so I guess my soul has gone to the devil.

    Also – and I’ve had this conversation with others who have agreed – but I think Big Red has a certain tangy smell to it that makes me *ahem* uncomfortable. Thas all i’m gone say! -__-

  13. Shelina
    March 28, 2016 at 7:59 pm

    Yall are forgetting those horrifying discs of chalk wrapped in wax paper that the old people liked to give out on Halloween. I’m talking bout Necco Wafers. They have a nerve to make a whole roll of them. Seriously? I don’t know a single kid who ate them. I would mix them in right with the “questionable ” candy pile that my mom wouldn’t let me eat. Nope. Trash that mess too.

    • Cris W.
      March 29, 2016 at 9:27 am

      Necco Wafers for children = Tums for adults

  14. March 28, 2016 at 8:22 pm

    Charms sweet and sour suckers and fake gum cigarettes , and squirrel nut chews yummy!

  15. Milaxx
    March 28, 2016 at 8:38 pm

    Twizzlers: yes. Red Vines: NO!
    Swedish Fish: Yes even though my teeth and my dentist hate them
    Candy Corn & Peeps!: Crimes against humanity.
    Cinnamon gum: Punishment for chewing gum

  16. Shaniqua Wesley
    March 28, 2016 at 9:19 pm

    Twizzlers are what happened to a dream deferred. 🙁

  17. Solo Dolo
    March 29, 2016 at 7:09 am

    My ma loves peeps and every easter she swears she’s gonna make me love em….nah playa no ya ain’t devil is a lie. Now my 95 year old granny (love her to death) will only eat black licorice, exact reason why she’s still a hell raiser. She’ll eat em like she doesn’t have “Suga” and will swear you are the devil’s spawn if you don’t like em.

    • March 29, 2016 at 11:02 pm

      Be raising hell at 95? All the more reason to judge me not for eating ALL the black jelly beans no one else wants lol

  18. Sierra
    March 29, 2016 at 9:20 am

    This is literally the best…I have to go home now im done! LOLOL

  19. Prettydarkskinnedgirl
    March 29, 2016 at 10:58 pm

    Circus peanuts, Mary Janes, Pez all taste like Jesus came back & left me behind
    #dassit

    • Kenyatta
      March 30, 2016 at 11:26 am

      Circus Peanuts ugh the devil is a bald headed two faced lie! Those things taste like trap house carpet hot comb residue

    • FinesseV
      March 30, 2016 at 2:56 pm

      Circus Peanuts are far worse than any candy corn I’ve ever tasted. Sad excuse for candy.

  20. Sharon
    March 30, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    I love love love Candy Corn all year round. I flip out if the corner store is out Why,Why, Why do you do me like that. If it’s my last meal on earth I would like them on the plate and as soon as I get to heaven I’ll have some more in my mansion in the sky.

  21. MimiLuvs
    March 30, 2016 at 5:42 pm

    Cinnamon-flavored gum, aka Big Red gum, was only used during the nights of my anniversarY celebrations with a former boyfriend.

    It’s only good right before you’re about to suck a—

    Know what? Nevermind.

  22. March 31, 2016 at 9:42 am

    I love Now & Laters!

    Twizzlers are nasty. The first ingredient is plastic I’m pretty sure. And licorice is the work of Satan.

  23. Melissa
    April 1, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    I really really really miss eating a Sugar Daddy and his illegitimate Sugar Babies (where’s they mama? are they project twins? so many questions) but just looking at them makes me give myself an insulin shot and call my Dentist for a cleaning of whatever teeth survived earlier chews. Don’t they know I got mid 40’s teeth!. And I’m not diabetic. It’s just in case I caught a case of the “bad sugah” by looking.

    • MissTish
      March 7, 2017 at 11:07 pm

      Hella late, but there was a candy called Sugar Mama.
      It was basically a chocolate covered Sugar Daddy.

  24. April 1, 2016 at 9:02 pm

    Charleston Chews were a NYC favorite, but they will rip out every filling, crown and molar in thine mouth.

    They are smooth criminals.

  25. Shai617
    April 3, 2016 at 2:03 am

    Am I the only one that looooooved Boston Baked Beans candy?!?!?!?…I did grow up in Boston so that may be the reason they are near and dear! Just me I guess…

    • Allisa
      July 13, 2016 at 1:50 pm

      I love Boston Baked Beans!

  26. Erica
    April 4, 2016 at 5:11 pm

    Truth: I love “Nowhenlaiders” all day er’day (not the green ones tho!). But after they pulled out a filling in 8th grade we had to break up. Anyone remember Chick O’ Stix? I don’t even know what those orange things were made of but I also tore those up. Stayed in your teeth ‘ever though..I give them a loving look every time I’m in Five Below, then I remember how they treated me, and walk on by. On my hate list is easily those chalky arse mints my grandmama always had in her purse trying to pass off as real mints. Did nothing for the breath after they were dissolved and tasted like broken promises and chalky butter…yuck!

  27. Phelicia Morton
    April 5, 2016 at 1:08 pm

    Oh gawd…this just made me remember those Atomic Fireballs. Why?? You don’t love yourself if you suck on those. I could only make it to 3 sucks before I had to spit it out. Suck, suck,suck….gassssssppppp. Give me a minute to get my mouth right. ..then go back in. What the world? I thought if I could make it to 4 sucks I could be president or something. Never made it. ..it scarred my outlook on life. …lolololol!