I’ve been fiending for Game of Thrones since they left us last season with our collective hearts broken. I LEGIT flipped out and screamed when the camera zoomed in on Jon’s face, lifeless and surrounded by blood. This is how they gon do us, huh???
This is the first season of GOT where book readers and show watchers are on the same plane. The show is now going past the point of the last book that George RR Martin finished. We are all in the dark together and all we have are guesses.
It has been 9 months since the season 5 and we’ve been pregnant with anticipation (you see what I did there). And that is where they start us and end up in this episode: at the Wall. I’ll get to that later, as I take it place by place.
Let’s get into the drama of Westeros!
Ramsay Bolton is mourning Myranda, the haterbish who was in love with him. In the season 5 finale, she tried to shoot Sansa with an arrow, and Theon (aka Reek) pushed her off the tower to her death. Except he ain’t that sad because he tells his guard to feed her to the hounds. I want Ramsay to die a slow, painful, torturous death. I cannot wait for that moment. It will be glorious and satisfying.
His daddy, Roose, is giving him a proper scolding for messing up and letting Sansa get away. How are they supposed to get the support of the North when his forced wife, and the only known legitimate Stark to still be alive is now gone? Ramsay is such a fuckup. Roose is hoping HIS new wife is pregnant with a son, so he can be his real heir. Don’t say that too loud, sir. Lest you find your wife cut up and the fetus trashed.
Sansa Stark and Theon Greyjoy are running through the forest to get as far away as they can. Ramsay has sent his people after them, and when they get to a river, they have to cross it as ice floats in it. It’s like Oregon Trail: Westeros edition. I hope neither dies from dysentery or cholera.
They make it to the other side and our Lady Stark is struggling. She’s cold, she’s tired and she ain’t cut out for roughing it. The girl’s life ain’t been no crystal stair and I think she’s alive in spite of herself. Anywho, they decide to rest under a tree when they hear horses and voices of men. Ramsay’s folks caught up to them. Theon runs out to basically take the fall but they laugh at him. They are both to be captured and taken back. Just then, Brienne of Tarth and Podrick roll up and start killing hoes.
Brienne is the dopest, man. She is so clutch so constantly.
Podrick loses his sword and as the last Bolton soldier tries to cut off his head, Theon saves him by stabbing the dude from the back. ALL IS WELL. For now.
Brienne once again kneels in front of Sansa (she tried last season) and promises to protect her and put her life on the line, as she promised the original Lady Stark. Sansa accepts the Swordwoman, making the smartest decision she’s made, maybe ever.
Cersei Lannister is reeling from her humbling walk of shame, in the palace. The septas gave her a terrible haircut and her self-esteem (SHELF OF STEAM) is clearly hurt. She hears that Jaime Lannister’s boat from Dorne is approaching so she hurriedly goes out to greet him. She’s excited to see her daughter, Myrcella, but as the boat gets closer and she sees Jaime’s face, she knows. Myrcella gone, B.
Cersei has lost her second child in like a year. She’s basically a Stark temporarily. She grieves for her sweet daughter, telling Jaime “I thought if I could make something so good, so pure, maybe I’m not a monster.”
Lemme find out the Wicked Witch of Westeros has a heart. She also remembers that the witch from days past told her she’d have three children and each one will die before her. Well, Joffrey and Myrcella are gone. All we got left is weak ass Tommen, and that dude has zero skills. They gon need to put him in bubble wrap. Jaime tells her the witch was lying. YEAH OK. She got receipts!
In the dungeon, Margaery Tyrell is still a prisoner of the Septas, and one of the nuns gets goon with her, slapping her with a book. The scientologists of Westeros gotta chill, man. High Sparrow comes in to play “Good Cop” telling her to confess and she says she just wants to see her brother. NO DICE. I’m just wondering where Lady Olenna Tyrell is. She gotta be cooking up something to free her grandchildren.
Meanwhile at Dorne, Prince Doran is helped to his throne by Ellaria Sands, and he gets a telegram telling him that Myrcella is dead. Before he can even react, knowing who is responsible (Ellaria), his main goon is slaughtered by one of the Sand Snakes. GAHTDAMBIT. He looks up and Ellaria stabs him in the chest. He falls to the ground, bloody, and she tells him “You’re not a Dornish man. You’re not our prince… weak men will never rule Dorne again.”
WELL SHIT. I knew she was gon come for him. She’s been pissed ever since Oberyn died, because Doran didn’t avenge his death. BUT WHY SHOULD HE??? Oberyn volunteered as tribute and shit. His death was fair (brutal, but fair). It doesn’t garner avenging. Ugh.
The Sand Snakes make a visit to Doran’s son Trystane. Not only did he lose his girl, Myrcella, he loses his life. They show no mercy, when one of them stabs him through his face.
My favorite Westeros bromance (since Jon and Sam), Tyrion Lannister and Varys is going strong. Varys says the Sons of the Harpy are taking instructions from someone in a higher place and his birdies are gathering tea on who that is. Tyrion is also being the Professional Shade-Thrower that he is. HA!
They’re walking around Meereen, surveying the shambles left and the discontent from Daenerys’ rule. Things are not looking good at all, and they get even worse. They see people running away from an area, so naturally, against all good decision-making, they run towards it. The ships in Meereen have been set on fire.
Jorah Mormont and Daario Naharis are on the On the Run tour, looking for Daenerys Stormborn, because after Drogon saved her from the attack in Meereen, they must know where she went. They come upon a field and see the burnt skulls of rams, which lets them know that bad ass dragon was there. Dany had dropped her ring when the Dothraki surrounded her and Jorah finds it. He got the message she left him. He looks down on his arm and his greyscale is spreading. Still, no one knows about it.
New Dothraki prisoner, Dany, is being ridiculed by the two oafs who picked her up. They’re leading her to the new Khal (Moro), and saying all types of lewd things to her. They don’t know who she be for real, and I hope they get burnt up. When they get to the new Khal, his two wives are throwing mad shade at Dany. He’s lusting after her and their green eyes are up.
Our girl got mouth so she tells him she is “Daenerys, First of her name, the Unburnt. Queen of Meereen. Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.” BAWSE. Moro laughs at her and calls her the queen of nothing. watch your mouth!
He says he will lie down with her that night, and she is fed up of his shit. She finally admits that she used to be the Khaleesi to Drogo. That changes things. He lets her out the cuffs, says he will promise to never attempt to sleep with her. But PLOT TWIST. Her rightful home is in the Temple of the Khaleesis, with the other widows. Aw hell.
Our girl Arya Stark is spotting grey irises, having been blinded in the Hall of Many Faces for killing someone who wasn’t hers to kill. She’s become a beggar and her keep is pitiful. Damb, Arya. Then, the girl who used to torment her while she was training with Jagar shows up. Her name is the Waif, and she uses her stick to beat Arya’s ass.
She says her being blind ain’t her problem. Our girl better learn how to see with her ears or something. The Waif promises to be back the next day. This must be a part of little Stark’s training. She just ain’t know.
Castle Black (The Wall)
When the show starts, dawn is breaking and we see Jon Snow’s body still lying in the snow. His eyes are still open and the blood around him has dyed ground. Ser Davos comes out his place, sees the body and runs to it. He is shocked to see the dead Lord Commander. Other men who were loyal to Jon show up and they carry his body inside. He is stiff. HE IS DEAD FOR REAL.
Who did this? They know it’s that traitor Ser Alliser Thorne, who by the way, admits to the rest of the Knight’s Watch that he killed Jon. He says he did it because Jon gave the Wildlings land, and that new partnership was going to end them all. Of course they buy it, when they should have carried him and sliced his head off right there.
Meanwhile, the firewolf Ghost, cries for his dead master. As Davos and the other men talk about what they need to do, Melisandre comes in. She sees the dead Jon Snow and says “But I saw him in the fire fighting at Winterfell.” Iunno what your fire’s talmbout, ma’am. He’s ice now. Her Miss Cleo ass. She’s shooting blanks, especially after she basically had Stannis Baratheon kill his daughter Shireen for no reason.
Later on, Thorne knocks on the door and tells the men that they have til nighttime to surrender or blood will be shed. If they surrender by dark, he will send them off with meat and everything. YEAH OK, CROOKED LETTER. Davos knows he just heard bullshit and turns to the other men. They don’t have enough people to take on the entire Knight’s Watch. BUUUTTTTT they do have Wildlings who know they owe their lives to Jon. One of them leaves to go inquire about that.
Melisandre has retreated to her room, and looks herself in the mirror all pitifully. Then she takes off her ever-present necklace, which has a red gem in the middle. She looks in the mirror again, and the camera pans to her. She had aged by like 154 years. Standing in the place of the young woman with red hair was an old, wrinkly, bent over woman with sparse grey hair hanging from her scalp.
LAWDDDD. Whose granny is this??
The now old woman gets into bed and covers herself up.
This first episode was to catch us up on where everyone was now. It jumped from scene to scene and you just had to know what was happening around Westeros. I don’t think we’re any more in the know when it comes to what is to come.
Now, Melisandre’s old ass. Who knew she was older than the entire kingdom of Westeros? So she’s been perpetrating this whole time in that young body? Ok den. Well I hope she can make herself useful and help us bring Jon B(ae) Snow back. Shit. Getting in bed like she’s about to take a nap. LADY, SLEEP WHEN JON’s back! Some folks are saying that maybe she’ll trade her life for his, or maybe somehow her youth will be exchanged for his life. IDK. But she better do something.
The prevailing theory is that Jon is a Targaryen, and he’s really the Son of Fire and Ice, and that his body needs to be burned so he can be reborn. I’m leaning towards that too. He can’t be DEAD DEAD DEAD GONE and have no other role. It would literally make this show’s last 5 seasons a character development fail. But maybe it’s just hopeful thinking on my part.
*sings* Ain’t no sunshine when Jon’s gone. It’s not warm when he’s away (or at all because Winter is here)…
In the meantime, let’s revisit the obituary I made for him.