On the last episode of Game of Thrones, they broke our hearts into tiny, shattered, unfixable pieces. Looking forward to what’s next!
Samwell and Gilly are making their way to his childhood home. He tells her not to let it be known that she’s a Wildling because Westeros’ version of “Meet the Parents” won’t go well if his father knows her lineage.
When they get there, it’s basically like the most pleasant place this show has ever shown. It’s not winter, no one is scared of conquering and people actually smile. Sam’s mother and sister welcome them, and immediately accept Gilly as family. Sam introduces them to “our son” Little Sam and the baby immediately smiles (adorbs) and goes to his Granny.
Gilly is given a new dress in time for dinner, and she goes from geek to chic, like a participant on Jenny Jones’ talk show from the 90s. It’s nice what a shower and new duds can do for a person. She looks positively regal.
The entire family sits down for dinner, and Daddy Tally is cantankerous as hell. Sam asks for more bread and his father shuts him down with “You’re fat enough already.” WELL DAMB, DADDY. With his body shaming ass. Just mean. All Sam could do was look pitifully down at his plate as his father starts talking about how he thought the Wall would have made a man out of his first son. But nah. The insults get to be too much because Gilly pipes up and says her boo IS a man. He’s slayed a White Walker in front of her face. Sam’s brother scoffs and says those don’t exist. The whole being a Wildling thing comes tumbling out and Sir Tarly goes AWF, pissed that he is breaking bread with her kind. He is so upset that he says the family heirloom valyrian steel sword that is supposed to be given to the first born son is not coming to Sam. Sam doesn’t deserve Heartsbane because he is such a disappointment. Damb. That is way harsh.
Oh and Gilly can stay but she will have to work in their kitchen. Since she’s a Wildling and all. Mrs. Tarly is disgusted by her husband, and she leaves the table after saying “you dishonor yourself.” TELL HIM.
After that awful dinner, Sam goes to say goodbye to Gilly and the baby because he has to leave at dawn for Craster’s Keep. He closes the door and soon runs back in. He wants them ALL to leave together, as a family. Now. Right now. But first, he goes to the living room and steals Heartsbane.
Isn’t Pops gon come for it? Our boy ain’t scared! YESSSSS. We gon need that in the war against White Walkers.
They’re still playing Real Housewives of Westeros in Braavos. Hella meta, Game of Thrones. Arya is watching the play, keeping her eyes intently on Lady Crane, who plays Cersei. This time, she is amused by the scene where Joffrey dies, and they think Tyrion did it.
This play that Arya is watching is helpful because she’s been outta the loop on what’s been happening. So even though some of the facts are wrong, motives are wrong, now she can know who is dead and who is alive. Some of the folks on her Kill List have already been handled.
During the scene with Cersei monologuing her son’s death, Arya looks to the side of the stage and sees a woman who is miming her lines. Interesting. As soon as she has an in, she goes backstage and finds the rum flask that Lady Crane drinks out of, and pours the poison in it. As she goes to leave, the actors come backstage. Lady Crane stops her and says she’s noticed she’s been at the play multiple times. The lady pulls her to the side and asks her what she really thinks about it, and she’s perfectly nice. Her and Arya chat for a bit and then she goes to take her costume off. She pours herself a drink when Arya knocks it out her hand. She points to the lady she saw on the side of the stage and tells Lady Crane to watch out for her because she wants her killed. The Waif is tucked somewhere nearby watching it happen. Gahtdambit, Arya. You’re supposed to be No One. You’re supposed to do this work. But I get it.
In front of the House of Black and White, Arya retrieves her sword Needle from the rocks she stashed it in.
Inside, The Waif goes to Jaqen and snitches. He tells her to make sure the girl doesn’t suffer, since he gave her a kill promise. Elsewhere in the house, Arya turns off her room light and tucks Needle under her. Now that she can “see” in the dark, she’s ready.
Tommen meets with the High Sparrow by himself, against all logic, and he gets him to agree to let him see his wife. When Margaery and him reunite, they hug and he asks her if they’ve hurt her. AND IF SO WHATCHU GON DO WIT YOUR PUNK ASS? Nothing. She sits him down to tell him that she sees the error of her ways and that she’s ready to atone for her sins. She wants to take her Walk of Shame. She says she sees the value of the Faith, and I’m side-eyeing like WWHHHAAAA?? She gotta be blowing smoke up his gullible yansh.
It is time, and all of King’s Landing is standing and ready for Margaery Tyrell’s walk of shame. The Head Scientologist begins his speech when an army, led by Jaime Lannister, shows up. It’s the Tyrell army, and Lady Olenna steps out her chariot because ain’t nobody gon throw nothing at HER baby. Not today! Jamie rides his horse up the steps, right in front of the Sept and says they can take the army of the Faith, and they are more than willing to do that to prevent Margaery from every taking anybody’s walk.
Head Scientologist is all “I’D DIE FOR GOD.” But not today, because out walks King Tommen with the King’s Guard and it is announced that there is “a new age of harmony. A holy alliance between The Crown and The Faith.” GAHTDAMBIT. This is terrible.
Tommen is so fucking dumb. He says that any attack on the Faith is now an attack on the crown, and he tells his Uncle-Daddy that he is no longer his Hand. Like… are you freaking kidding me??? He fell hook, line, sinker into the High Sparrow’s shenanigans and now his biggest protection is released from duty. I already knew Tommen was gonna die. I just wonder how soon and what manner it will be in. Also, Margaery is pulling his strings with this. Is this all to free Loras?
A furious Jamie goes to see Cersei, and says he wants to kill the Head Scientologist because “he stole our son.” Cersei tells him he can’t do that because he will surely die. She tells him to lead their army instead and to take Riverrun back. And then they kiss and I die a little on the inside. Because: siblings.
The most hated man in Westeros who we forgot about, Walder Frey, has brought his ass back into the mix. Remember that he’s the one who orchestrated the Red Wedding, with his UGLASS.
Remember how Littlefinger told Sansa last week that her uncle, Blackfish, has conquered Riverrun from Frey? Well he wasn’t lying. Frey is pissed about this loss too so he tells his armies to get that shit back. And Edmure Tully, the groom at the Red Wedding has been a prisoner since. He will be used as collateral in alladis, because Blackfish is his uncle.
Ok so the block is gonna be hot at Riverrun now. EVERYONE is headed there. Also, Walder Frey gotta die slowly and in the most torturous way.
On the Run Tour
Meera is dragging Bran through the woods, but she can only get so far because she is not Hodor. SAD FACE. She drops the mini wagon with Bran in it being literal dead weight, and falls into the snow. Meanwhile, Bran’s eyes are still all white, which means he’s still elsewhere. The Three-Eyed Raven hurriedly downloaded a bunch of memories into his mentee so we’re seeing the rush of the past go through Bran’s brain. The Mad King saying “Burn them all!”
The White Walkers battle at Hardhome. Bran falling from the tower. He finally comes to and tells Meera “they found us.” OF COURSE THEY DID. Because he is now a horcrux and shit. He gon need to chop that arm off. The wights come running through the woods towards the 2 and all Bran and Meera can do is nothing.
Then all of a sudden, a man on a horse comes through, burning all the wights around them. He pulls both of them on his horse and they make their escape by getting far away, but not into somewhere as safe as the cave. They’re still outside, so really, this is barely an escape. They create a mini camp, and the hooded man who saved them removes his hood and reveals himself to be Benjen Stark. That’s Bran’s uncle who we haven’t seen since like season 1. He took Jon to the Wall to become a Night’s Watch man.
He said “The 3-Eyed Raven sent for me… Now he lives again.” Right before he died, Raven said “It’s time for you to be me.” Benjen’s face is all cratered up. He said he got stabbed by a White Walker and before he could turn, the Children of the Forest found him and stabbed him in the heart with dragonglass.
He tells his nephew that he is now the Raven, and he must go to the Wall and wait for the Night’s King to find him there.
The Dothraki men are following behind Daario and Daenerys. The Mother of Dragons asks her advisor about how many ships it will take for her to get her now-huge army to Westeros. He tells her 1,000 but who has that? He says nobody, but last week, the Iron Born were challenged to build 1,000 ships by Euron. Coincidence? I think now. He tells her that she is not a ruler but a conqueror, so if she wants to take Westeros, what happens after she does?
Dany hears a sound behind the mountains and tells them all to wait as she rides over there on her white horse. After some time, and the men getting kinda restless, Daario says she’ll go find her. But then a sound comes and the men look up to see a dragon soaring over them. It’s DROGON, and his ass has been eating GOOD. He is huge now! I bet he’s been eating entire societies because his diet has clearly been protein-packed. When he lands in front of the men, Dany is sitting on top of him.
“I will not choose three blood riders. I choose you all. I will ask more of you than any Khal has ever asked his Khallassar. Will you kill my enemies in the iron suits? Will you tear down their stone houses? Will you give me the seven kingdoms, the gift that Khal Drogo promised me?”
The men are TURNT UP, because no one gives motivational TED talks like the Mother of Dragons! Drogon is the perfect hype man too because he roars on cue and everyone is ready to go!
Some people said this episode was boring but I wholeheartedly disagree. Of course anything after the last episode, which was a literal game-changer would feel slow. Also, this is the first episode of season 6 where no one died. We’ve lost one character we care about (to varying degrees) every episode thus far so this one will feel anti-climatic because of that.
However, this episode moved a lot of things forward and there’s a bunch of things set in motion now. Two more opposing troops are headed to Riverrun. As of now, we have Jon Snow, Tormund, Brienne headed to Riverrun to talk to Bryden Tully (Blackfish) to see if he will join with the Starks. Frey’s army headed to Riverrun to see if they can take it back. And Lannister army headed to Riverrun to show their balls and power.
We also have the re-introduction of Benjen Stark, who is pushing Bran towards heading to the wall. He also confirmed that Bran is now the 3-Eyed Raven. And most importantly, Arya is done with Bad Ass Bootcamp, making the choice to fight the Waif. ANNDDDD in case you didn’t realize how important it is that Sam is now in possession of Valyrian Steel, you should pay more attention. Heartsbane will be seeing battle sooner than later, I think.
So no, this wasn’t a boring episode. This might be the last chill one we ever get because shit is about to get SUPER real in Westeros. Hold your wigs!