There are three episodes of Game of Thrones that have rendered me incapable of functioning properly for hours after watching them. They are: the Red Wedding, the one where Jon Snow died and now, The Door. I spent 3 hours afterwards cussing at random intervals. I had to force myself to go to sleep, and even then, I dreamt about it. No lie. It is impressive that a show that has spent 6 seasons punching us all in the gut repeatedly can still deal us massive face punches that we don’t see coming. Easily one of the most heartbreaking episodes of Game of Thrones ever, which we were owed.
Because last week’s episode was far too positive. We should have known payback was coming. Ain’t no sunshine in Westeros and last week’s episode showed us some rays. We had to be brought back into the dark and they did it spectacularly.
Let’s get into it. *takes deep breath*
Sansa is sitting there sewing and whatnot when a telegram comes for her. She reads it and Littlefinger has summoned for her. He’s nearby in a small town and when Sansa shows up, Brienne is behind her, doing her job as the security guard of life. What the hell do you want, assface?? Red Stark comes out the gate swinging. She tells Lord Baelish that he is no friend of hers, because he gave her to Ramsay, who took a part of her, repeatedly.
She describes her harrowing wedding night to him and watches him wince as he listens. Yes, he saved her from the Lannisters but he gave her to the Boltons. “You freed me from monsters who murdered my family. And you gave me to monsters who murdered my family.”
He apologizes to her, but what can you say? Don’t be sorry, hoe. Be careful. He knew all along what would happen when he left her with Ramsay, but he plays dumb about it. Anywho, he tells her that she should know that her uncle Bryden “Blackfish” Tully has conquered Riverrun from the Freys so if she is going to take Winterfell, there’s an army that could help. She tells him she has Jon’s army backing her and he slides in the fact that her HALF-brother’s army might not be enough. He emphasized that HALF as to basically tell her not to trust him all the way. He is a master manipulator.
At Castle Black, Ser Davos, Sansa, Jon Snow (and his man bun) are trying to figure out how to build an army. Which houses should they try to get on their side. Sansa takes the reins and says the houses of the North are different, and that they will come to the Starks’ rescue but Davos ain’t so sure. Anywho, Sansa tells them that Bryden has control of Riverrun so they should tap on him to help them retake Winterfell. Jon asks how she found out and she says Ramsay told her. Later on, Brienne tells Sansa that she doesn’t wanna leave her at Castle Black to go on the Riverrun mission. She says she trusts her brother. If so, then why did she lie t him and not tell him she got the tea from Baelish? MMHMMM.
As the troop gets ready to go to Riverrun, Sansa presents her brother with a fur and leather cloak she helped him make, that’s similar to Ned’s. Aawwww. As they get ready to ride out, though, Tormund can’t help but make googly eyes at Brienne, who is slightly disgusted. And I am CRACKING UP because it is the funniest shit ever.
I am totally rooting for them to get together. They’d have adorable giant ginger babies.
Oh, and Dolorous Edd is now the de facto Commander of the Night’s Watch. Can he hang?
Arya has much to learn at Bad Ass Bootcamp because The Waif keeps putting them paws on her and beating her ass. The lesson is that she is not one of them, and Jaqen agrees. However, he hands Arya a vial of poison. Her assignment is to kill a woman named Lady Crane, who is a theatre actress in Braavos, and she has no room to fail. First, she gotta go scope it out so she goes to see a play the lady is in. Turns out that it is a play that lampoons the Lannister-Stark conflict. It’s funny to Arya until it gets to the part where they re-enact the beheading of Ned Stark, and fake Tyrion tries to rape fake Sansa. Arya looks to be on the verge of tears for the first time in years.
She sneaks backstage and watches the castmembers interacting. The one she’s supposed to kill is the only one drinking rum, so she mentions that to Jaqen. But she has her doubts. The lady seemed nice. Why kill her? He says “Does death only come for the wicked and leave the decent behind?” Nope. Quite the contrary, Jaqen. Also, she bet not question him. If she wants to serve the Many Face God, she does as she’s told.
It is time to pick someone to ascent the Salt Throne of the Iron Isles, and the men stand outside, in a caucus of sorts. They ask who could make a claim to the throne, and since Theon is the only male heir of Baylon Greyjoy, he has the first claim. Our boy gets up there to speak and says that his sister should rule them. “She is a reaver. She is ironborn. This is our queen.”
YESSS, speak up for sis! Yara herself then says she lays claim and the men start chanting her name.
Until there’s an interruption. Euron Greyjoy emerges and says HE wants the throne. Yes, he killed their father but he did it because “he led us to two wars we could not win.” *coughs* Bush. He also takes the time to point out that Theon ain’t even got a dick no more so he isn’t man enough to decide shit. OUCH. Way harsh. Quickly, the men of the Iron Isles switch their chants to Euron for king. Shady fuckboy.
Next we know, Euron’s head is being dipped in water, as his pledge is read. Yara and Theon hop their asses into a ship and sail out. Euron is kept under water as the pledge is read, until he passes out. The men pull him out and drop him on the ground and watch. After a few seconds, he coughs and spits out water. “What is dead may never die.” Or something like that. He survived the drowning, which is the test the Ironborn do. And the moment he stands up, he asks for his niece and nephew, so he can kill them. DAMBBB!!! But all he can do is watch them sail away with most of the fleet of the Iron Isles. Euron commands the men to cut down every tree and make him 1,000 of the best ships they can.
He’s about to track his kin down and finish them off.
The morning after Daenerys made Khal Barbeque, she stands in front of Daario and Jorah. She tells Jorah that she has tried to banish him twice, and he’s come back twice, each time to save her. She cannot turn him away but she can’t take him back, and he tells her she has to turn him away. He pulls up his sleeve and shows her his greyscale. The Mother of Dragons, whose kryptonite is showing feels that aren’t anger and brawn, immediately gets sad. She knows what it means, and the idea that her loyal servant will be euthanizing himself makes her eyes well up.
Jorah says “I love you. I will always love you” and I wanted to cue up Whitney at that time. “If I should stay. I will only be in your wayyyyyyyy. CUZ IIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.” He starts to walk away but she tells him to stop. Since he has pledged to always obey her orders, she commands him to go and find a cure for that greyscale, because “When I take the 7 kingdoms, I need you by my side.” Dambit. Sweetest thing EVER.
Can greyscale be cured? Yes. We know it can be done, because Shireen Baratheon is proof. Where will he go to do it? STAY SAFE, Jorah! WE LOVE YOU.
There’s momentary peace in Meereen and it seems that Tyrion’s deal with the Slavers has stopped the Sons of the Harpy from killing anyone else. Now the challenge is getting people to think it was Dany’s idea. How is that gonna happen? They gotta get someone who folks know isn’t moved by money to spread the word, so Tyrion calls Kinvara, a Red Priestess. She is introduced as the First Priestess of the Lord of Light. Even though she presents as young, we have learned from Melisandre that she’s basically older than ice itself. She’s also wearing that same choker. This is Melisandre’s mentor and shit.
Varys, who is skeptical of all religion, side-eyes the lady so bad when she says Daenerys is the chosen one. Isn’t that what they said about Stannis but he’s super dead now? The woman looks him dead in the face and says humans can read signs wrong. He scoffs and she reads him his history. She points out to him that on the night when his penis was used for sacrifice, he heard a certain voice. Does he want her to tell him what that voice said?
No one has ever rendered Varys speechless, until her. She ends with “If you are her true friend, you have nothing to fear from me.” Oop. BLOOP. Welp.
The Raven and Bran go to the past, and they see the Children of the Forest have tied a man to a tree. Leaf, the lead, sticks a black dagger into the man’s chest, and his eyes turn ice blue. When they wake up, Bran is pissed. So the Children created the White Walkers. WHY??? Leaf says it’s because they needed protection from men so they basically made White Walkers their weapons. Clearly, they didn’t see that they’d get out of their control. Ain’t that some shit we can learn from?
Later on, folks are sleeping and Bran wakes up. He throws a rock at the Raven in the tree but misses. He must be bored, so he crawls his ass across the crave and touches one of the roots of the Raven. He is taken to a place where the wights are all lined up. You know what you do when you see an army of the undead? Go back to where you came the hell from. But no. Not Bran’s dumbass. He walks through them, and they don’t seem to notice him there. He gets to the end of the rows and keeps going, until he is standing in front of three White Walkers on their horses. One of them is the Night’s King and he SEES Bran. Fuck.
All of a sudden, the wights turn and face Bran. The King advances and grabs his arm and Bran screams and wakes up in the cave.
The Raven asks “Did he touch you?” and Bran says “I don’t think so.” Then he looks at his arm, and there’s handprint there. FUUUUUCCCKKKK. Raven says Bran and his crew have to go. Now that he’s been branded, The Cave is no longer a safe space. The spell that kept the White Walkers away has now been broken, because he’s basically become a horcrux and shit. FUCKING BRAN.
Shortly after, Meera is talking to Hodor and notices that her breath is icy. She steps outside the cave and sees the entire army of Wights, led by the White Walkers. AW SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT. The Children are standing in a protective circle and Leaf tells Meera to run and get Bran as they try to hold these demons off. Hodor is on the inside rocking baggingfoaf, unable to deal.
Inside The Cave, Bran and the Raven are technically elsewhere. They are at Winterfell in the past, watching the Starks and Wylis (Hodor). Meera yells at real life Bran to wake up and warg into Hodor so he can drag them out. In the vision, Bran hears her voice as whispers and the Raven tells him to listen to that. Finally, he does. He gets inside Hodor, and gets him to drag his body. The Raven tells him “It’s time for you to be me.” “Am I ready.” “No.” OF COURSE, YOU AIN’T. WITH YOUR SIMPLE, NON-LISTENING ASS.
Outside the Cave, the Children are tossing their fire grenades, but the White Walkers walk right through them.
The Wights can’t, so those fools take the side of the mountain and dig their way in. One of the White Walkers makes it into the cave and Meera throws a spear at him. He turns to dust. It must have been dragonsteel-tipped.
The Wights start dropping in and Summer, Bran’s direwolf attacks them all until they surround him and kill him. NOOOOOOO. We hear the whimpering dog as Meera runs behind Hodor and Bran. More Wights make their way in, and Leaf tells Meera to go. She grabs her last fire grenade and stands until surrounded by the Wights. She lets it go, killing herself and them at the same time. That sacrifice was necessary. Bye, Leaf!
Bran has become such a powerful warg that he can stay in the past and view what’s happening and inhibit the body of Hodor at once. The Raven tells Bran that he is about to go, and in the Cave, a White Walker chops the roots of the tree. In the past vision, Raven turns to black dust.
He gone, man. Bran turns his attention to Wylis, who all of a sudden drops to the ground, having a seizure.
In the present, Meera has taken over dragging Bran, and they escape the Cave but the remaining Wights are coming for them still. They all get through the door but even closed, they are being pursued. Hodor has to stand guard and keep the door closed with his body.
Wylis is on the ground writhing, yelling “HOLD THE DOOR” over and over again. That is what present day Bran is telling him to do, to keep the Wights away from him and Meera as they get away.
HOLD THE DOOR. HOLD THE DOOR. HOLD THE DOOR. HOLDTHEDOOR. HOLDTHEDOOR. HOLDDOOR. HOLDDOOR. HOLDDOOR. HODOR. HODOR. HODOR.
Wylis’ words got stunted to HODOR as Hodor’s body is being punctured by Wights who want to get through. He stands strong, though. Through the pain. Wylis stops shaking, and just says Hodor.
AND MY HEART BREAKS INTO TINY PIECES. Like… I screamed. I could not deal, and my brain wanted to melt out my ears. Now only was this one of the saddest moments in a show full of nothing but sads, but the implications of it just made me wanna go lie down.
Do you know what it means??? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS????
Bran Stark is the catalyst of EVERYTHING. Bran is the reason everything has jumped off. Think back to the first couple of episodes of the series. He is the reason the Lannister-Stark beef started, when he climbed the tower after he was repeatedly warned not to, and saw Jamie and Cersei doing things siblings shouldn’t do. So they pushed him out the tower. He didn’t die. And now, you see that he is the jump off to everything. And this invasion of the White Walkers did not have to happen. It was so damb preventable. All he had to do was listen to the Raven and not go wandering where he shouldn’t AND don’t stay anywhere too long.
Also, the present is running with past simultaneously. Hodor’s future self was rendered incapable of talking in the PAST. That continuum and its implications. Not only is it ALL Bran starting it, but it’s Bran affecting it too. Hodor became Hodor because Bran warged into him and burned Hodor into his mind. It’s like GAHTDAMBIT. I’m about to be outchea RUINT whenever I hear “hold the door” now.
The saddest part about this is that Hodor might have spent his life knowing that he was gonna die holding a door for someone he hadn’t even met yet. His destiny was to serve the Starks to death, specifically the one who can’t mind his business.
Now, about this time switch. Bran being able to affect the past has been a foregone conclusion but to see that his future self is fucking up the rotation too? Is he stuck in a loop to where what he tries to fix is just happening anyway? This also makes me think the 3-eyed Raven is really Bran from the future, tryna fix shit he fucks up. But if the same chaos keeps happening, then they’re stuck in a paradox. A loop that no matter that you do, what’s going to happen will happen anyway. In this episode, the Red Priestess Kinvara said “Everyone is what they are and where they are for a reason. Terrible things happen for a reason.” THAT REASON BETTER BE THAT BRAN GETS WESTEROS IN FORMATION TO DEFEAT THE WHITE WALKERS. Hell. Otherwise… wtf.
And all those other Brans they’ve mentioned, like Bran the Builder. Are they THIS same Bran? Has he just been coming around for centuries making bad decisions that put everyone in danger? It’s possible. It is possible. Seriously. This is a black hole of possibilities.
But ummm… Does that mean the Night’s King can track him anywhere now?? Like I said, is he a walking horcrux? Also, WHO GON PROTECT BRAN’S STUPID ASS NOW??? RAVEN GONE. HODOR GONE. THE DIREWOLF GONE. All for what?!? LIKE BRAN. WHAT THE FUCK, BRO???? YOU WERE SAFE IN THE CAVE. And you literally invited the devil in. dafuq. I am mad as hell. Whew.
Also, regular fire doesn’t stop the White Walkers but dragon fire has to, right? Because if it doesn’t? Well I’m fresh out of ideas for Westeros. I don’t damb know. Whew. But the direwolf dying, yall. Summer died, because winter is here and there is so much chill but no chill at the same time. All we got left are 2 Stark direwolves: Ghost and Nymeria (who is on the lam).
Game of Thrones is nothing if not a giant tale of “life sucks sometimes” but there are lessons to be learned in it. The Children creating weapons that they lost control of, leading to their extinction. HELLO, HUMANS. Robots, viruses, nuclear weapons. Are you listening??? We’re not.
Beyond that, this episode forced a lot of people to confront the past, and since barely anything good ever happens on this show, those retrospectives were usually hella painful. Arya had to experience the beheading of her father, through a tacky ass theater play. Sansa described her awful wedding night to Littlefinger, making him listen as she talked about being raped by her betrothed, Ramsay. Bran got to learn how the Kingdom’s biggest enemies were created. And we got to see how Willis became Hodor. Each was heartbreaking but crucial.
I just… man. Hodor gone, man. I had to send our man off right with his own fune program. Pin it, share it. Tag me to it. YOU BETTER NOT CUT OFF MY NAME FROM THE BOTTOM.
P.S. I’m currently mad at anyone named Brandon.