MANNNNNN listen. Why does Game of Thrones play me like a fiddle so often? I am a willing instrument in their shenanigans orchestra and I’d have it no other way.
Let’s just get into it.
After over a season of absence, we are back with Bran and the Three-Eyed Raven in the forest cave. When we last saw Bran, he was a tween, and now he is basically in college. He’s probably getting his ph.D now. Just grown!
Our boy don went through puberty and is almost as tall as Hodor. He’s been getting trained to hone his warg abilities by the Raven, and I’m expecting him to be about 5 levels of bad ass by now.
Anywho, the Raven (nevermore) takes him to the past and lets him watch young versions of his father Ned Stark and his uncle Benjen. We see Lyanna, their sister (his aunt). He notes that she’s the one he knows very little about, not knowing that a lot of chaos has happened around her. She’s also the one that folks say Arya reminds them of.
Then we see Hodor as a teenager, teased and reduced to an outcast. Back then, he could talk and his real name is Willis. I guess now we can say “Whatchu talking about, Willis?” HEEEE.
It’s interesting seeing the young Starks, though. Who’da think they’d have such bad luck when they were grown?
As the past starts getting good, the Raven brings Bran back into his own body and tells him “It is beautiful beneath the sea but if you stay too long, you’ll drown.” He says he wasn’t drowning. He was home.
Meera, Bran’s nanny (ha!), is outside, sick and tired of this adventure she’s on that is not ending. One of the Children of the Forest tells her she gotta tough it out cuz Bran is gonna need her.
A commoner is roasting Cersei and making fun of her walk of shame. Folks around him are cracking up. When he goes to a corner to take a piss, he turns around and standing there is the Frankenstein Mountain. One swift move and homeboy’s brain is splattered all over the wall. OOP.
Cersei steps out the castle she’s been perched in and guards stop her. Apparently, King Tommen has ordered that she doesn’t leave the building, for her own safety. She can’t even go see Myrcella’s body in the tomb?? That’s fucked up.
As the girl’s body lies in state, Jaime is scolding Tommen for not letting his mother come see her daughter. The young king is all salty that he couldn’t protect her the first time. Sir, you couldn’t protect a mouse. He walks away and the Sparrow shows up. Jaime gets all up in his face, angry that the Head Scientologist of Westeros punished his sister-lover, and now the Queen, his daughter-niece-in-law. The two of them have an ego battle where they try to stare each other down. Jaime puts his hand on his knife and the Sparrow’s squad emerge from the dark, goon ready. Ain’t gon be no real fight, bih.
Tommen goes to see his mother, after this whole time avoiding her. He gives her this weak ass apology, talks about failing at protecting her and cries a little. She gives him a hug and it’s a sweet moment. Which is why I think he’s about to die soon. Every time parents and kids have sweet moments on Game of Thrones, one of them dies soon after. Think about Catelyn and Rob. Ned and Arya. Stannis and Shireen. Sometimes BOTH die. Either way, begin countdown for Tommen.
Ever since the Mother of Dragons left Meereen, her two remaining dragons aren’t eating. They are on a grief hunger strike. Greyworm tells Tyrion and Varys that you can’t force a dragon to eat so what are the gonna do? Little Lannister says maybe he can help by befriending the wild beasts. How you gon befriend them bad ass, non-behaving ass, delinquent dragons? Lawd, help him.
But remember. Tyrion’s greatest gift is his way with words. It is the reason he lives to see the day, and no matter what circumstances he’s found himself in, he walks away. When he goes to the dark dungeon where the dragons are, armed with nothing but a wooden torch, he uses that gift of gab to get the dragons to actually let him live. They didn’t light his ass up like they could have, as he tells them the story of him also being rejected.
He unhooks the chains around both their necks and walks out, telling Varys “If I ever come up with an idea like that again, punch me in the face.” What he lacks in height, he more than makes up for in courage.
Arya the Beggar is still happening when the Waif shows up again. This time, Baby Stark jumps up quick but still gets her ass whooped. She asks her “who are you?” and Arya weakly responds “No One.” Nah. You don’t believe that. As fast as she appeared, the Waif disappears. All of a sudden, Jaqar is standing in front of Arya. He tells her that if she says her name, he’ll give her food. She says “I am No One.” Say your name and you get a place to sleep that night. NOPE. Say your name and you get your eye sight back. NAH, BIH. Impressive.
He walks aways and she goes to collect her little bowl and he tells her to leave it. “The girl is not a beggar anymore.” LEMME UPGRADE YOU!
Roose Bolton is trying to figure out how they will get Sansa back and Ramsay’s crazy ass suggests that they roll to Castle Black. That is probably where she’s heading. And they should attack and try to kill Jon Snow, since that’s her brother. Roose basically tells him he has lost his mind for trying to kill a Lord Commander. Word travels SLOOOWWWLLYYY in Westeros, I see.
Roose warns his son “If you acquire reputation of being a mad dog, you will be treated as a mad dog.” They are interrupted by a man who says that his wife has given birth and it’s a boy. This is great news for Lord Bolton, and he looks at his nutbag son and says “you will always be my first born.” The two men hug, and it is the nicest moment they might have ever had. Clearly, it couldn’t last. Ramsay pulls a knife and stabs his father in the stomach.
The older Bolton falls to the ground. RAMSAY KILLED HIS GAHTDAMB DADDY! That psychopath!
Ramsay informs the messenger to tell everyone that Roose Bolton is dead, poisoned by an enemy. And that he wants him to summon the lady and her newborn. AW HELL.
The Lady and the new baby Bolton meet Ramsay in the courtyard, and she said “Lord Bolton summoned me.” He tells her to come with him, and takes her to where the dogs are kept. He locks the gate behind them and the lady realizes what is happening. Ramsay says “I am Lord Bolton now. I prefer being an only child.” He opens the cages where the dogs are kept and whistles. They pounce on the woman and her baby and that’s all she wrote. FUCKING RAMSAY MUST DIE A SLOW, TORTUROUS DEATH.
In the forests of Winterfell, Brienne, Podrick, Sansa and Theon are resting. But they know it’s temporary. Brienne tells Sansa about the last time she saw her sister, Arya. At least older Stark knows her sister is still somewhere out there.
Sansa gets up and goes to Theon, saying they need to be going Castle Black. Girl, ain’t nothing left for you there, but you don’t know that. Poor thing. Theon says he won’t be going with her. He wants to go home, to the Iron Islands. The two of them hug, having formed a kinship post-betrayal. I forgot he still had a home.
Balon Greyjoy and Yara, his daughter, argue and he ain’t tryna hear what she has to say. Later on, he goes on some suspension bridge and gets into another argument with a guy who looks much younger and much stronger. Apparently, it’s his younger brother, Euron. I don’t know about you but a wonky, weak ass bridge ain’t where I have an Ego Battle during a storm. Euron makes one quick move and flips Balon off the bridge to his death. That ended exactly like I thought it would.
The next day, they send Balon’s body off into the ocean and Yara reveals that she wants to rule. Unfortunately, she ain’t the next heir to the throne. Whether she gets the chance, as the first woman, is up in the air. OOP.
Jon Snow is still dead, and Ser Davos is in the room fort he’s created with the Team Snow Night’s Men. Ser Alliser Thorne knocks on the door and says that time is up. They either surrender or they get attacked. They all know this isn’t at all a choice, and they’re getting attacked either way. The men on the inside draw their swords, and Thorne’s men are about to barge in when they hear a noise coming from the gates. In comes Dolorous Edd and the Wildlings, led by Tormund and the Giant. They came to ensure the safety of Davos and Jon’s body, so they quickly apprehend Thorne and imprison him in the cell at Castle Black.
Melisandre is back in her young woman’s costume when Davos enters her room. She asks what he wants and he inquires about her Resurrection services. Our girl isn’t feeling too confident right now, though. Her powers have failed her lately, and that whole burning Shireen at the stake for nothing is still wearing on her. At first, she says she doesn’t have the power to bring anyone back but knows a guy. NAWL. We ain’t got time for that. You better look in your magical Barney bag and pull out some tricks.
Davos tells her “I’m not asking the lord of fire for help. I’m asking the woman who showed me that miracles exist.” Come through with the TEDTalk!
Jon’s body lays cold on the slab and Melisandre looks at it, doubtful of her ability to do anything. She removes his clothes, so he is just laying there in his boxers. I’m sad that the only time we see Jon Snow in his draws is post-mortem. What a tease. As Davos and Wildling Ginger (Tormund) look on, she cleans his wounds and washes his scalp with Herbal Essence. She chants as she cuts his hair and throws it in the fire.
She then lays her hands on him and chants more, but she isn’t looking sure. The Red Woman is down and out. She ain’t even doing it with conviction. This ain’t something you half ass! The entire time, my thirsty ass is looking at his face for any sign of life. As Melisandre does her last chant, and stands there looking at Jon’s still lifeless face, the men look frustrated. UGH. I guess it was all for nothing.
They all leave the room, seeing the failed experiment. Ghost, Jon’s direwolf, had been asleep the whole time. When the people leave, Ghost wakes up slowly and goes by Jon. All of a sudden, Jon’s eyes open and he gasps one huge breath.
HOLY SHIT. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG *runs around my house* SHUT YOUR GAHTDAMB FACE THIS MOMENT!!!!!!! MELISANDRE CAME OFF THE BENCH AND HIT THE CLUTCH SHOT!!!
JON SNOW LIVES. JON. SNOW. LIVES. BET NOBODY SAY NOTHING BAD ABOUT MELISANDRE’S OLD ASS RIGHT NOW! THAT BISH DID IT.
Listen here. Jon B(ae) is back and I am geeked about it! I don’t know what form or shape he’ll be in. And I’m pretty sure he will be a shell of his former self but he is alive, yall! WHOOOOT! It just made no sense that he’d be gone gone. I did not wanna believe it, because he still got a job to do. This kingdom can’t be saved without him playing some sort of role. But Jon Lives and I LIVE!!!
Melisandre was on my shit list for that whole burning innocent Shireen at the stake thing but my fickle ass just forgave her. She came through! It took me a good 30 minutes to get my shit together after it. Whew.
This episode was called “Home” for many reasons. Bran got to see Winterfell pre-Winter, when his father was young. He was home. Theon decided to leave Sansa in Brienne’s hands and go to his home, which he hasn’t seen in so long. And Jon Snow is back. Hush your mouth, you old fool. Jon Snow’s home now.
Therefore, I had to make a homecoming program, since the fune program I made before has to be rescinded.