In the last episode of Game of Thrones, we find out that Bran now has a 401(k), Ramsay is a bloody bastard, Tommen is prolly gon die soon and Arya is a blind bad ass. Oh and bae is back for real. Jon Snow is walking, talking and brooding with the best of them. I thought he’d be back this week and be a FAHN ASS Hodor, with limited vocabulary, talmbout “Me Jon.” I AM SO EXCITED. I just wanted to get that out of the way. I’ll talk more about how that unfolds in the recap below.
Let me quit playing the bald-headed games and get into it.
On the Run Tour
Samwell and Gilly are on a boat and our former Night’s Watch guy is seasick. Bless his heart. Gilly thinks she’s going with him to the Citadel, where he’s about to train to be Maester but he tells her he wants her and the baby to go to his family because he wants to protect and do right by them. Aawwwwww. This sweet moment makes me nervous because GOT history tells us that tragedy is to come. #LettucePray for Sam and fam.
Bran and the Three-Eyed Raven are on another history tour. This time, it’s to a tower, which houses Lyanna Stark, who they’re trying to rescue, since the Mad King is dead. Bran sees a young Ned Stark and is told that his accompanying friend is Howland Reed, Meera’s father. They come with a crew too.
They get into a sword fight with a bad ass swordsman who single-handedly kills most of their crew, and Ned is as good as dead when an injured dude stabs that swordsman in the back.
Bran is all confused because from the stories he heard his father tell when he was young, he was basically a BAWSE who slaughtered many men to save his sister. Ummm… sir, you lied. Anywho, with the path clear, young Ned goes towards the tower entrance, and Bran cannot help himself. He chases after his father and yells “Father!” It seems that Ned heard him because he turns around and looks where the sound came from. Shit. Bran, stop trying to fuss with the past. The Three-Eyed Raven pulls him out of the past and he’s pissed. “The past is already written. The ink is dry.” YUP. And to change one thing can change EVERYTHING about the present. Mentor tells our boy that he needs to be patient, because he got some things he gotta learn. Like EVERYTHING. Literally.
Daenerys is taken to the Temple of the Former Khaleesis. That ain’t the real name but whatevs. The women of Westeros Shady Pines aren’t really welcoming. In fact, they tell her that she ain’t special because she’s former Khaleesi. She THOUGHT she was gonna help Khal Drogo conquer the world, like Bad Ass Bonnie and Clyde but guess what? Nah, son. And after he died, she was supposed to have been brought there directly but she decided to go rule some shit and now she must be brought to some council to figure out how she will live out the rest of her days. IF she’s lucky, she’ll be back at Shady Pines. For that to be her best case scenario, though. I’m hitting a *wall slide* for the Mother of Dragons.
Varys has summoned someone and it is a woman named Vala, who turns out to be one of the folks who helped the Sons of the Harpy slaughter a bunch of folks. When I saw her, I could barely pay attention to the dialogue because she looked like Kim Kardashian pre-plastic surgery. I was all “this woman got Kim’s old face!”
Chile, anywho. Varys talks about how he gets all the information he needs: by being nice to people and exchanging it for what they want. This woman wants her son to be safe, so he tells her that he already got both of them an express ticket our of Meereen. OK DEN.
In another room, Tyrion is sitting there bored with Greyworm and Missandre, neither of whom are particularly chatty.
Since shutting the hell up is Little Lannister’s kryptonite, he tries to lure them into a game of Never Have I Ever. I played that in college. You get so much tea about the people you’re in the room with. Varys drops in to give them updates on what he learned. Turns out that the mutiny in Meereen is being funded by the masters in the 3 different cities where Daenerys freed the people. Aw hell. So what do you do about that? Westeros’ Miss Pearl says “Men can be fickle. But birds, I can always trust.”
In some dank basement, Qyburn the Mad Scientist is talking to some street kids and we quickly find out that they’re Varys’ little birds. WORD? He’s trying to buy them over to his side and promises them all the fruit and candy they want if they send him “whispers.”
Suddenly, in comes Jaime, Cersei and FrankenMount, who scares the kids so much they immediately scamper. Qyburn tells Cersei that he’s trying to make sure she has “little birds.” Jaime throws shade The Mountain’s way, wondering if he can even understand anything, since he’s basically been lobotomized. Something tells me that’s gonna come back and bite him in the ass.
Over at the Small Council, they’re trying to figure out what to do with this crappy kingdom, weak King, possessive mother of the King (not Queen) and the robot Debo they got following them. As Maester Pycelle mentions the latter, they all walk in and he fear farts. I HOLLERED. His punk ass. Lady Olenna Tyrell is there too. She is always present for a good gathering and shading. She tells Cersei “You are not the Queen because you are not married to the King.”
BLOOP. I love her and I’ve missed her dearly.
As the Hand of the King, Jaime tries to force Cersei unto the Small Council. She sits down to join their meeting and everyone leaves, because NAWL.
Elsewhere, Tommen finally got some guts to go see the High Sparrow. He shows up with his guards and barks a little bit. It’s so cute to see him try to be authoritative. ADORABLE. He demands that the Head Scientologist of Westeros leave his mom be but the response he gets is basically “Nah.” Apparently, Cersei’s walk of shame was not enough atonement, and she must face trial. Funny enough, she is the one who empowered them so she is certainly reaping what she’s sown. Somehow, Tommen allows the Sparrow to convince him to sit down for advice, because he is weak AF.
Arya is at Bad Ass Bootcamp, being trained to whoop ass and take names, no matter the fact that she can’t see. She goes from getting beat by the Waif to finally being the one doing the beating. Our girl is blind but she can fight now. Jaqen asks her “Who are you?” And she says “No One.” Then he scoops water out that well in the middle of the House. Remember it’s the water that some folks come to drink if they wanna die. He tells her “If you are truly No One, you have nothing to fear.” She drinks it with her eyes closed. When she opens them, her eyes are no longer cloudy gray but back to their original brown.
YESSSSSSSSSSSS. Baby Starks can see. BITCHES SHE’S COMING FOR YOU.
Ramsay Bolton has a visitor, and it’s a man named Smalljon Umber. Smalljon goes “Your father was a cunt” and I cackled. Roose Bolton can never rest. He also knows that Ramsay killed his daddy, because he’s such a bombastic bastard. Anywho, he spends the entire time shading the hell out of Ramsay, and I appreciated that. He wants them to collude to possibly attack the Wall, but since the Wildlings are inside, a fierce battle will surely come, especially if they’re led by Jon Snow.
Smalljon says he comes bearing gifts though. In comes two hooded figures and when the sacks over their heads is removed, we see it’s Osha and Rickon Stark.
Ramsay wonders how he can know it’s Rickon for real, since ain’t nobody seen him since Ned still had his head and shit. They drop a sack on the table and in it is the severed head of a wolf: the direwolf ShaggyDog. DAMB DAMB DAMBBBB, JAMES.
Davos is seeing Jon Snow alive and his eyes are basically bulging out his head. Jon is still gasping for air, seemingly just as surprised that he’s alive as we are. He seats up and then tries to get up from the table he’s been laid up on for days, and as his knee give way, Davos catches him. In that time, I peeped a little yansh (ass).
FREEZE FRAME. Heyyyy.
Melisandre runs in and asks him what he saw after he died. Jon says: “Nothing. Nothing at all.” Well damb. That’s anticlimactic. They ask him if he remembers anything, and he remembers everything, including who killed him. He says Olly is the one who literally stabbed him in the heart.
BUT OUR BOY IS ALIVE. He is rightfully freaked out that he got resurrected. I don’t blame him. Shit is weird. But shoutout to the real MVP, Melisandre! He gets dressed and walks out, where there is a crowd of Wildlings and Night’s Watch men waiting for him, also stunned. I was half hoping they’d bow down to him like the animals did when Simba was presented to the pride. Circle of Life AF. Tormund walks up to him and says the men think he’s a god. “The Man Who Returned From the Dead.” And then he makes a small peen joke, because bromance.
The Lord Commander (of my heart) got some things to handle, though! Later on, he walks out to a somber courtyard and walks up to where the traitors are standing. Four men, including young Olly are standing on planks, with ropes around their neck. They’re the ones who killed him that one time. He walks up to each and allows them to say some last words. One of them tells him to make sure they let his mama know upon his death. He gets to Ser Alliser Thorne, who takes the time to piss all over Jon for a last time. He isn’t impressed by his resurrection. In fact, he seems downright scornful. He says: “You’ll be fighting battles forever” kinda on some “so have fun, doe!” ALL HIS LIFE, HE GON FIGHT.
Jon gets to Olly, and the boy says nothing. He just meanmugs like the little shit he is. Jon is struggling with all of this, though. He takes no joy in what is to come as he walks to the main rope, draws his sword and cuts it. The wood beneath the men’s leg drops and they hang by the rope, eyes bulging out. It is done. BYE OLLY.
Jon walks up to Dolores Edd, takes off his cloak and says: “My watch has ended.”
Welp, his watch surely HAS ended. Because: contracts can be broken once you die the first time. The oath that Jon took when he joined the Night’s Watch says “It shall not end until my death.” Well he died so it is a wrap. He don’t owe nobody nothing, unless he had student loans. Then he still owes Sallie Mae.
Where is Jon about to go? What will he do? Is he headed to Winterfell? What about Sansa, who is headed to Castle Black to find her brother? I hope they run into each other on the way, but that is too joyous and it probably won’t happen.
This is exciting. With Jon no longer tied to The Wall, what adventures will he get into? He is following his destiny, because saving the Kingdom ain’t gon happen at Castle Black. Winter is here and Jon is leaving. Plus, I wouldn’t wanna stay anywhere that has people who tried (and succeeded) to kill me, even if those ones are dead now.
In related news, I feel like the walls of that tower Lyanna’s in holds the confirmation for the very popular fan theory of R+L=J. If this is new to you, Google it and fall into the rabbit hole. It is seeming more and more likely, and last season hinted at it more than a few times. Plus that theory’s cousin helps explain why Tyrion was able to calm those dragons last week without him becoming BBQ Lannister. It wasn’t time for the secret to be revealed to Bran yet, though. He wasn’t ready, so I get why the Raven pulled him back.
Now, about what happened at Winterfell. A couple of people on Twitter were discussing that maybe that direwolf revealed really isn’t ShaggyDog. Is Ramsay being set up by Umbers? I am hoping that’s the case because sheesh! Can the Starks ever catch a break?