Y’all. I’m so mad that Rachel Dolezal managed to take her 15 minutes of infamy and stretch it into whatever the hell is going on right now. I have been pretty good about not paying attention to her but this GOOFASS woman just won’t go occupy the stadium of seats she should have.
Back in June of last year, I wrote About Rachel Dolezal the Undercover Sista and Performing Blackness. I sorta kinda expected that she’d be a roach but gahtdamb I’m still annoyed that she has managed to stick around. Of course she got a book deal too (I bet your her advance was nice too. UGH). I’m just waiting on her reality TV show on Bravo or E! so I can vow to never watch it and curse at commercials for it.
The entire Rachel Dolezal thing is absurd. In case you’ve missed the foolishness: She’s a white woman who became President of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP but everyone thought she was just a really light-skinned Black woman. That is what she has made herself out to be so imagine folks’ surprised when they realized she got 2 lily white parents. And when folks ask Rachel what she is, she stands strong to affirm her Blackness and my mind basically wants to explode.
There comes a level of logic lacking that prevents you from arguing with certain people. Rachel hopscotched to it and then crossed a door into a whole new realm of WHATTHEFUCKISTHISSHIT?? This woman is insisting on her Blackness, in spite of her white ass and none of us can do anything about it.
Everyone: Rachel, you’re not Black, though.
Rachel: Except I am.
Her parents: But we’re white, Rachel.
Rachel: What’s that gotta do with me?
Science: Rachel, you are caucasoid.
Rachel: Excuse me, science. Who asked you?
Logic: Fuck it all.
Rachel: Thank you.
I don’t know what to do with Rachel, y’all. I am sick and tired of her ass. She’s like that person who you ain’t invite to the club but she always know when you’re going and you show up at the back door because you don’t want her seeing you go in but somehow she figured that out so she’s right there when you step out the car. And you’re all “Rachel, what are you doing here?” And she’s all “I figured you just forgot to invite me. HEY GIRL.” There’s Single White Female and there’s Rachel, who is Peak Becky. She even tries to make her “good hair” frizzy in an attempt to be down. Homegirl has had more hairstyles than Lil Kim has had faces.
White people Columbus a lot of things. Countries, hairstyles, food. But this takes the cake. It takes the damb muffin and scone too.
I mean, she even has a son named Langston Attickus now, born in June 2015. She is insisting on this Blackness to the point where she now has an ethnically-ambiguous looking son named Langston mufugging Attickus, yo.
And in case you haven’t fought the air enough, the URL to her website is: RachelDolezal.Black. I KID YOU NOT. This intergalactic nuisance is actually using .Black as her site extension. BECAUSE HOW BLACK CAN SHE GET? She has to remind us in her domain name. Rachel is a grade A troll, and not just because of her bad hairdos. She is giving us virtual papercuts and I just wanna fight her face.
Today, the non-Nubian non-Queen took to Instagram to show off her new hairdo.
Now I’m insulted. Is this what she thinks Blackness is? MY Blackness got edges, bish. Take that shit back. Rachel got her hairline snatched so tight I can see her thinking about the Pinterest recipe for Potato Salad that she plans on bringing to the next NAACP picnic. You know she told whoever did her hair to make sure none of her natural baby hairs show up. This fool probably shaved her God-given white girl baby hair and wants to achieve any baby hairs using brown gel and toothbrush. Because she is Inspector Dis Tew Much and Sergeant Try Too Hard.
And she’s talmbout she looks like Jasmine from The Boondocks. MA’AM JASMINE WAS HALF-BLACK. Girl good damb day. Self-awareness is outchea busy as hell.
I do wonder if she has some sort of color dysmophic disorder happening. Either way, she has lost her good ass mind, looking like Sideshow Bob and Mufasa had an unnatural baby (inter-species and intra-gender). She wants to be Black but ain’t nobody told her about The Butters so she can stop walking around with that desert dry hair?
The least she can do is represent Black women well by keeping her hair situation together. THE LEAST.
This is why there is a moratorium on handing out honorary Black cards til further notice. The Council of Onyx People Everywhere (COPE) has decided this. And no, you can’t invite anyone new to the cookout this year. We’re full. WE FRESH OUTTA RSVPs, bruh.
Someone go get Rachel and tell her to sat her ass down somewhere. Hot ass mess.