Whose is this?

Whose Precious Giant Newborn is This?

All babies are precious and beautiful and all that good stuff. Let me state that out the gate. So yesterday, I was scrolling through Facebook when I came upon the picture of a newborn who came out the womb at 15 pounds. FIFTEEN POUNDS. Look:

15 pound newborn

Jesus be a fence around this baby’s mother’s Love Pocket. May it recover, in His MIGHTY name. I IMMEJATELY started doing kegels upon seeing the picture because I got stressed by proxy. Goodness. I mean.

This is gon be what Brienne of Tarth and Tormund Giantsbane’s baby looks like. Just large and in charge from birth. Baby came out the womb talmbout “young whippa snappers don’t show no respect.” He meant any newborns under 11 lbs. Whew. Running that nursery FROM JUMP.

And the kicker is that they say this baby was born natural. No C-section or nothing! JAYSUS.

So I posted this pic on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook fan page and my chill-deficient ass people had me howling like a wolf at full moon with their comments.


* JESUS BE A NEW TESTAMENT EPIDURAL!!!!! – Imani

* This baby walked out of his mothers vagina with a career and bills. He’s even scowling at the bottle because he knows that’s not enough. If she breastfed him he would gnaw her boobs off thinking its steak and potatoes. This grown man isn’t fooling anybody. He got fed up with paying Sallie Mae and has miraculously caught Benjamin Buttons disease. Slay, young baby man…. – Sheena

* He was born needing cataract surgery and a monthly retirement check. – Tracy

* This is what it sounds like when my ovaries cry. – Amber

* I literally just fell out my bed. #kindalikeheruterus – David

* Why tf he born with the weight of the world on his shoulders!? Lawd help this man baby! – Loren

* That is a toddler. His feet are as big as mine and I wear a 10.5 – Dene

* That child would never live this down…I would bring it up during every argument, disagreement, discussion, play date, Parent teacher conference, career day, graduation speech, college applications, job interviews, wedding day toast… – Janeen

* I was 10lbs 10oz, I’m 32, apparently my mother still has back pains from labor, go figure. – Janelle

* That child better learn to give his mama a good foot rub and not even roll his eyes when she asks! – Mandi

* ‘Hodor’ to my birth canal coz nope. – Stella

Hodor elevator

*cries*

* I’ve had FIVE kids, and my tubes are tied now. And yet, my uterus still pulled the rolling shutters down and said “Not today, bitch.” – Tracy

* Y’all peep the nurse isn’t even holding him. She said her sciatica was NOT built Ford tough for baby Hercules. – Sheena

* Someone on Instagram said “he can’t wear nothing from the damn baby shower. Big ass.” 😩😩 And he still precious and adorable. – Chiffontae

* I had a 9 lb 10oz baby. (C-section) No lies detected. That chick was in 3-6 Mos clothing straight out the hospital. Almost had to cut her out of her Going Home outfit. – Nicole

* Mine was 8lbs and couldn’t wear the newborn clothes. He gotta hit up Big & Tall – Ieishia

* I have never bought anyone newborn clothing. Ever. But this baby has me rethinking baby clothes altogether. Next pregnant friend I have, I’m starting the gift baskets with 2t’s. – Erika

* My birth canal would shriek and do a full wall slide. – Amber

* His Memorial Day fit coming straight out of husky boys in Burlington. – Chiffontae

* So she just blew out her entire VAGINA?!!?? Whyyyyy – Ayanna

* So basically her vageeeena looks like a hand grenade went off at a deli counter? I can’t envision how Andre the Giant didn’t rip her from stem to sternum. She’s gonna need rebar, not stitches. – Tracy

Peter Ouch gif

* Natural birth??? Did they use the jaws of life? – Janine

* Natural birth my ass. That baby walked out her uterus. – Jaeda

* I gave birth 6 months ago, “naturally” and without an epidural (NOT ON PURPOSE!!!) to a 7 pound even baby boy. I believe my uterus just put up a “closed forever” sign when I read this. Any eggs that were left over just scrambled themselves to save my poor lady bits from that type of destruction. I’ll be over in the corner with my legs crossed thinking about ice packs and Percocet. – Kara

* Throw a backpack on him and just send him on to preschool when you leave the hospital – Nakita

* Nawl. He would just have to stay in there. Nawl. Nawl. Nawl. – Kellie

* I just went and checked that my IUD was in place and poured myself a drink. – Angela

* I bet that’s what Morgan Freeman looked like when he came out…his ass has ALways been old! – Joanna

* Right after that bottle he went to the finance office and paid the hospital bill with his debit card. He has A1 credit and he wasn’t going to let being born mess with that. – Li

* During nursing school I had to clean and dress this 15lb newborn. I was exhausted and sweaty from that work out. When I finished the grandmother pounded on the glass and demanded to see her grandbaby. The uptight British nurse I was working with said, “can’t she see his fat ass from there!” Granny cursed us both out. – Faida

Morgan Freeman Baby

* I had a 10.2 lb baby, not by c section, no drugs, and no diabetes. My love pocket just ran up and hid inside my uterus. There will be no “hold the door” for this lady closet. – Maggie

* Baby’s first words are going to be “you gonna eat yo cornbread?” – Erica

* Why did this baby come out the womb needing help with his second grade math homework – Chaka

* Mine was 12lbs. I have no words. He’s 15 years old. I peed myself three times today from sneezing. #TheGiftThatKeepsOnGiving – Karmen

* Jesus, Moses, Miriam, Mohammed (may his name be blessed), Krishna, Shiva, Kali, Durga, Buddah, Julien of Norwich, all the Marys, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachael, Leah, Mother Teresa, Nannie Burroughs, Harriet Tubman, Ghandi, all y’all got to pitch in on this one. Tell the others. This sweet woman needs a miracle up in here. – Kathleen

* They gon bring the car around and this baby gon’ get in the driver’s seat talmbout “I’mma swing by the sto and get some rice cereal right quick. Y’all got milk at the house?” – Kell

* I’ll bet his voice is deep, too. Lmao Bless his lil husky heart. – Ejay

* My son was 12 lbs 4 oz. C-section. He looked like a sumo wrestler next to the other babes in the nicu. We DID have to toss all the newborn clothes-nothing fit!! And my back still hurts from the pregnancy:( – Bridget

* You will refer to him as Sir or Master Charles Maxwell Winscott the Third (made that up), because what this young man wearing a depends will not tolerate is being called Man Man or Tiny. Come correct or don’t come at all. – Shane

* I bet this baby sounds like Ving Rhames when he cries… – Gwen

dead whoopi gif

* My little guy was two weeks late, came out reading the Daily Racing Form and smoking a cigar, but damn, he was less than nine pounds. – Carly

* Jesus be a transvaginal mesh! My biggest was 9lbs 10oz and I couldn’t walk for two solid weeks. This poor woman! He came out potty trained, right? Dayum! – Josy

* God Lord, I just Googled 15 lb newborn to get more of the story. There’s been more than one that big!! Some lady gave birth to a 15 lb 10 oz linebacker… err… baby. My love pocket is refusing to ever come out to play again. Ever. – Shastine

* Hmph. Y’all thought #Hodor was dead? Nope! #Bran just warged him into this man:

Louis Samson Rawls, the First of His Name, King of Ham Sandwich, King of the Boudin and the Gumbo and the First Piece of Catfish, Lord of the Five Guys, Protector of the 3-Meat Plate, Khal of the Great Chicken of the Sea, called Lou VagBorn, the Un-Caesarian, Father of Golden Corral. – Aamon

I QUIT EVERYONE. I AM TAPPING OUT. I hollered til my THROAT hurt. No gahtdamb behavior whatsoever. None to be had. But lemme tell you how God don’t like ugly, doe. When I was cracking up about these comments and adding my own, I dropped my good ass piece of chicken. That’s what I get.

Whew. Blessings to that baby and whoever the warrior that birthed it is. I salute that superhero, and may the gods old and new return her vagina to the tightness of days yore.



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46 Comments

  1. Jabria
    May 24, 2016 at 9:27 am

    I read about this yesterday. Apparently Mama had him in January and couldn’t even walk until March…

    • SoulfliHoneyBea
      May 24, 2016 at 9:39 am

      I was 10lbs and 13 oz–my mama still don’t let me live that down–and I am darn near 30–I hear constantly: “19 hours of labor and your feet tried to come out of my shoot, and they had to cut me open to get to you because the umbilical cord was wrapped around your throat and you have the nerve to attempt to give me any attitude? Girl, if you don’t get out my face, I will kill you.”

      I can’t imagine what this 15 lb cutie monster will hear for the rest of his life and be able to quite verbatim. After seeing this picture, I don’t think that childbearing will be in my future.

      • SoulfliHoneyBea
        May 24, 2016 at 9:40 am

        *Quote.

  2. May 24, 2016 at 9:39 am

    “But lemme tell you how God don’t like ugly, doe. When I was cracking up about these comments and adding my own, I dropped my good ass piece of chicken. That’s what I get.”

    WHY DID I READ THIS AT WORK??!!!

    LOLLLL!!!!!

  3. Tamikka
    May 24, 2016 at 9:40 am

    I cried at Morgan Freeman.

  4. Tamara
    May 24, 2016 at 9:41 am

    That baby better get skip the crawling stage & get a job.

  5. Andrea
    May 24, 2016 at 9:54 am

    The Jaws of Life. Y’all. DED. And I peed myself b/c 15lbs or not when you got something sitting on your bladder for 9 motha’fuckin’ months it loses ALLLL chill.

    • TeeNikki
      May 24, 2016 at 5:43 pm

      ALLLLL chill will be lost. Every drop. As well every drop off urine. My son did nothing but roll around for 38 weeks, grinding his head into my bladder and rectum. Fun times.

  6. Mrs. MGM
    May 24, 2016 at 9:54 am

    Her lady bit has got a restraining order out against her husband right about now! What in tarnation…he need to start cleaning his room, stat!

  7. May 24, 2016 at 10:19 am

    The Ving Rhames comment took me out indefinitely. I am not here.

    • Dana
      May 24, 2016 at 1:55 pm

      You & me both. Let our loved ones hold our memories close lol

  8. Garrick
    May 24, 2016 at 10:36 am

    I am calling shenanigans. Ain’t no WAY all of that dome came out of a coochie and was still perfectly round like that in the nursery. Either she had a A-E section or this baby massaged his OWN head round overnight. You tell me which one while I make some new tea to sip…the baby drank all I had through the laptop talmbout he was still thirsty.

  9. Maria
    May 24, 2016 at 10:43 am

    BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! “had a A-E section or this baby massaged his OWN head round overnight”

  10. Me
    May 24, 2016 at 10:55 am

    Poor Baby, they are bullying you already!

  11. SIPort
    May 24, 2016 at 11:34 am

    oh my.

    I had a 14 lb. at birth Uncle.

    He died at 75.

    Family never EVER let him forget it.

    I needed this laugh.
    Thanks Luvvie.

  12. Gwendolyn Miner
    May 24, 2016 at 11:54 am

    Ha!! Thanks for the quote! What a great birthday present! HAHAHAHA I’m still laughing!! LMAO Mama, I made it!! XOXO – Gwen

  13. Christie
    May 24, 2016 at 12:04 pm

    That’s got to be some forms of medical malpractice to allow her to deliver vaginally or even carry around a baby that large. They’d have to take that thang out once he hit 10 lbs.

  14. shwilliams211@yahoo.com
    May 24, 2016 at 12:14 pm

    It may just be me but I’m concerned with the newborn’s wellbeing, someone is going to ask to hold the one year old and his little baby neck gone snap right back.

  15. […] Via Awesomely Luvvie: Whose Precious Giant Newborn is This? […]

  16. Casey
    May 24, 2016 at 12:58 pm

    The comments were BEYOND hysterical!!! I have tears, and no waterproof makeup!!

  17. Lolly
    May 24, 2016 at 1:20 pm

    Uhmmm, can we talk about the fact that I immediately started doing actual Kagel exercises as soon as I saw the picture?!! I’m gonna stay clinched up the rest of this year. That baby so big and beautiful that MY vajayjay is hurting. :o\

  18. May 24, 2016 at 2:40 pm

    I want to take all commenters on a comedy tour!! Just side-splitting hilarious, esp. the Ving Rhames voice comment. 😂😂😂

  19. May 24, 2016 at 3:00 pm

    I saw this and I think I just went into menopause.

  20. emv1102
    May 24, 2016 at 4:07 pm

    That’s a big baby! At his first checkup he’s getting a prostate exam…he’s so big.

    • Stacy Brice
      May 25, 2016 at 7:11 pm

      I don’t normally comment (I’m a professional lurker lol) but I just died at
      “first check up he’s getting a prostate exam.”

  21. 1Chiq
    May 24, 2016 at 4:11 pm

    Bwahahaha! Hodor has been reborn!

  22. Serenity
    May 24, 2016 at 4:15 pm

    My brother and sister in law had a 13 lb baby…. That she tried to deliver at home. She said American women are so lazy to go the hospital just for a baby. By the time she got to the hospital… I suppose she’s American now… It was too late for an epidural because the baby was crowning. They only have that 1 child.

    • Stella
      June 7, 2016 at 5:45 pm

      ‘I suppose she’s American now’ ? Lolest! Instant Naturalization. Bam! Mom left with her American Naturalization Certificate and baby his birth Cert. You’re a mess Serenity and I just love it!

  23. Wanda
    May 24, 2016 at 4:24 pm

    I had a hysterectomy 7 years ago and I am having phantom uterus pain looking at that picture! Did AARP send him an application, before he got out of the hospital?

  24. May 24, 2016 at 4:39 pm

    My hubby of 8 months is 6’5 250ish. He’s the tallest, but eem his sister is 6 feet tall. I’m scurred. Pray for me.

  25. Tracy
    May 24, 2016 at 5:11 pm

    Someone on my Facebook was surprised that they had the baby sitting up as a newborn. I told him “He prolly cussed the nurse out, talking about ‘Do I LOOK like I need tummy time, bitch?!?”

    If it was a natural birth, it had to look like a Great Dane squeezing through a cat door.

    Delivery room probably looked like a crime scene, with meat flaps hanging out all over.

    • Stacy Brice
      May 25, 2016 at 7:13 pm

      lmao!! Sadly I could visualize EVERYTHING you just typed!

  26. Paula
    May 24, 2016 at 5:30 pm

    This was a NATURAL birth?!?!?! Jesushelp!! I can’t even IMAGINE the length of the episiotomy – cuz those of you who know, KNOW, that is some of the WORST pain known to woman! The ones I had with my 7+ lb babies was enough to make me not walk for a week. Literally, my nonexistent womb has come back and asked to be removed again after reading this.

  27. Ginni
    May 24, 2016 at 5:41 pm

    The baby’s Mom was probably diabetic. Diabetic Mothers can almost always count on having a large baby-he was tested too.

  28. Ginni
    May 24, 2016 at 5:43 pm

    I meant to say the baby was probably tested for diabetes too.

  29. Tosha P
    May 24, 2016 at 7:27 pm

    Right after that bottle he went to the finance office and paid the hospital bill with his debit card. He has A1 credit and he wasn’t going to let being born mess with that. – Li

    CALL IT TIME OF DEATH 7:26 PM CST
    D.N.R

  30. May 24, 2016 at 10:58 pm

    Good think my husband and kids are still up. i would have woke the whole house. My body won’t even let me laugh anymore. I’m just yelling.

  31. Amber H.
    May 25, 2016 at 3:14 am

    My birthday was yesterday, Luvvie you give me the best gifts EVER!!! I love being a part of the LuvvNation! I love y’all! #pettynation

  32. May 25, 2016 at 9:48 am

    Winner, winner, chicken dinner: Natural birth??? Did they use the jaws of life? – Janine

    OMG, I’m dead.

  33. Christine Donley
    May 25, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    My husband was 11 lbs and I always make my mother in law tell the story about how she busted a blood vessel in her eye trying to push him out and he, in her words, “got up and walked out.” You know yo baby is big when he gives you a black eye from being born.

    • MarceloN
      May 27, 2016 at 7:34 am

      I’d been reading through the comments barely smiling and trying to restrain my laughter and/or other noises that could get attention here… till I got to “how she busted a blood vessel in her eye trying to push him out”. I just snorted like a darn horse and I got ppl looking at me like “Sup wicha dude?”
      That tale made me think of Ren giving birth to Stimpy and getting his outs popping out from the effort hahaha!

  34. Ella N.
    May 25, 2016 at 4:39 pm

    So basically her vagangle is a walk-in closet right now? This is why i’m terrified of childbirth…. 15 lbs and you have to help them do common-core math homework? No Ma’am….

  35. T.
    May 25, 2016 at 6:09 pm

    Like some of the others, I’m at work reading this. Thank goodness there’s only 30 minutes left in my day. I have tears coming down my eyes and I’m trying to be quiet. These are too funny!

  36. LaRae
    May 28, 2016 at 10:39 pm

    Somebody on Twitter said, “That bottle ain’t doing nothing for that baby. He want a 4 for 4!”

  37. Wendy - Barbados
    June 20, 2016 at 2:28 pm

    STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! I … can’t … breathe #wheeze

  38. Aycee
    July 12, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    Babies mom is Maxxzandra Ford