We have been in anticipation of the Battle of the Bastards since we learned it was happening on Game of Thrones, and I have been nervous as hell for what it meant. Surely, the 2 Snows couldn’t both live. Like every GOT episode that is a battle sequence, this was beautifully shot, choreographed and just the perfect amount of terror to have you taking shor spurts of breath for 15 minutes straight.
But let’s just jump into it.
The slavers are sending fireballs flying towards Meereen and things are not looking good. Tyrion is facing Daenerys, yapping his life away and not really taking accountability for the fuckshit that happened while she’s gone. But what now? Dany says her plan is to kill all those masters and then go to their cities and burn them to the ground. I mean, I understand but Tyrion says “nah.” The Mad King did the same, destroying the cities of his enemies, killing the innocent along with the guilty. He says he has another solution.
The Mother of Dragon, Grey Worm, Missandei and Tyrion meet with the three masters on top of their hill and say they are thereto talk surrender terms. The slavers tell them that they must give the Unsullieds back, leave Meereen, and “flee Slaver’s Bay on foot like the beggar queen you are.” Oh you’re sorely mistaken. YOU have to surrender, not Dany an’ ‘em. They laugh when all of a sudden Drogon flies above them and lands in front of his mama.
She climbs on his back and they take off. Below, we see the other 2 dragons bust out their underground home and join big bro to take flight. They ALL start creating Slavers BBQ, burning up their ships and the men in them. The Sons of the Harpy are killing Meereen folks when the Dothraki men roll in and start slicing their heads off. YUP. IT IS ON.
Grey Worm steps forward and tells the small army behind the Slavers that they can either fight for these men who don’t give 2 dambs about them and lose their lives while doing it ORRRR they can go home to their families. Without hesitation, the men drop their weapons and run, leaving the 3 slavers standing there. The Unsullied says one of them must die for betraying the Mother of Dragon and their pact. Two of them quickly push one forward, saying he is lower class and not even really one of them. The man drops to his knees to beg Grey Worm, who raises his sword and in one swipe, offs the head of the 2 slavers standing. HA! Tyrion steps to him and tells him to go back where he comes from and be the town crier to “Remind them what happened when Daenerys Stormborn came to Meereen.” The man runs off.
The Greyjoys have made it to Meereen and they’re standing in front of Dany. Tyrion is being petty, though, remembering that the last time he saw Theon, he was teasing him about his height. Well, the boy has gotten what he deserves four times over. Let go of the grudge, T. So what do they want? Yara and Theon have brought 100 ships with them from the Iron Islands, where they escaped from their uncle Euron’s grasp. He is building more and will probably be there soon to offer them to Dany. That and his cock. Oh and marriage. And after he gets that, he’ll want to kill her.
YARA GREYJOY GOT MAD GAME, SON!!! She took none of Dany’s shit, and the two have a slightly flirty tennis match of words. Long story short, Yara might want Dany’s cookies and Dany might let her have them.
So anyway. What do they want from the Mother of Dragons as they offer up these ships? They want HER support too for Yara to become queen of the Iron Islands. And “We would like you to murder an uncle or two who don’t think a woman is fit to rule.” DASSIT.
They two women have a lot in common. Terrible dads who were not fit to rule, and they are both strong-headed women who want to rule but have faced detractors. In exchange for Dany’s support, they must support her claim to rule the Seven Kingdoms. Also, she tells them that they gotta bring some act-right back to the kingdoms, and there will be no more raping and shenanigans. Yara replies with “But that’s our way of life.” Some traditions need to be done away with. MANY, actually. Stormborn says that unlike their terrible daddies, “We’re going to leave the world better than we found it.” Yara agrees to her terms and they shake on it.
This is one alliance I AM GOING TO LOVE. They better stick together.
Jon Snow, Ser Davos, Tormund and Sansa ride up on their horses to meet with Ramsay outside of Winterfell. The Bolton bastard tells Jon to get off his horse and bow before him. OVER JON SNOW’S FORMERLY DEAD ASS BODY. He also thanks him for bringing back “his wife, Lady Bolton.” You fithy summagoat. Jon challenges him to a one-on-one battle for Winterfell, and of course, Ramsay ain’t about that life. He knows that he would be going against the best swordsman in Westeros. Besides, he has 6,000 men, and we know the Starks ain’t working with much but 2,062 and 1 giant (Wun Wun).
AND he has their brother Rickon. His proof, he throws Shaggydog’s head unto the ground. Ramsay looks at Sansa and mentions how he can’t wait to get her back into his bed and she replies with “You’re going to die tomorrow. Sleep well.”
And rides off. And I cheer, because she “Bye Felicia’d” him. They depart and all head to the war room to strategize he next day’s battle.
Jon decides that they will make the Bolton army charge at them and they’ve made it so they can’t be attacked from the side. Tormund and Davos agree and head off. When they leave, Sansa is pissed because even though she knows Ramsay best, they do not even ask for her input or insight. She knows how he thinks, and here they go, not even realizing she can offer some value. Jon finally asks her and she says “Just don’t do what he wants you to do.” He likes to play games and he will do it to pull him in. And their brother Rickon? Well, he ain’t long for the living and her advice is that he might have to die. Just don’t lose. Sansa tells her brother that IF he loses, she will not be going back to Ramsay alive. KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS? Right.
Tormund and Davos talk about how they’ve made mistakes supporting people who were meant to lose. Tormund thought Mance Rayder was gonna be the Wildlings’ saving grace, and Davos thought Stannis was he chosen one. They were both wrong, and the lesson seems to be that they shouldn’t follow kings. But Jon Snow is no king.
Tormund goes to drink himself foolish, which is what he does before major fights. And Davos takes a long walk so he can take a massive dump, which is what he does. When he gets outside the camp, he sees firewood, where Stannis’ camp was before they lost that Winterfell battle. He finds a wooden stag in it, which belonged to Shireen, and he gets his answer of what happened to her.
Jon goes to see Melisandre and asks her why she wasn’t in the war room with them. She says she’s no soldier. He gives her a warning, that “if I fall, don’t bring my back. I’m ordering you not to bring me back.” JON BET NOT DIE AGAIN. HE JUST GOT HIS MAN BUN TOGETHER. She says that is not her decision to make. If the Lord of Light wants her to, she will have to, because the power to bring him back wasn’t hers, and clearly he has a purpose. Whether that purpose is to die in this battle is something she doesn’t know. Her advice to him?
Don’t lose. Well, thanks.
It is time for the battle.
The forces are facing one another across the field, and both Jon and Ramsay are in the front. Across the way, Ramsay is holding a rope and hops off his horse. The rope is attached to Rickon Stark who he pulls behind him, and Jon sees his brother. Ramsay takes his sword and cuts the rope tying him, saying he wants to play a game by having him run to his brother. The baby Stark takes off towards Jon, who then starts galloping towards him.
The Bolton bastard grabs an arrow and starts shooting it blindly towards Rickon. They miss, because he wasn’t trying to hit him anyway. He just wanted to create the terror. Rickon keeps running straight to his bro and I keep wondering why he isn’t bobbing and weaving and zig sagging. Jon and Rickon are getting closer together and are about t meet when the baby Stark goes down, arrow to his back. FUCKING A, man. We all saw that coming. Jon does exactly what Ramsay wanted him to, and gallops towards the enemy line.
Davos gives their army the command to “Follow your commander” and they go in. Ramsay tells his men to shoot and arrows go heading towards Jon, whose horse immediately goes down. The Bolton army charges towards our boo and I just don’t know how he gon make it.
But right before they reach Jon, his men and their horses come charging by and the battle is on. Bodies are flying off horses, men are getting stabbed left and right and Jon is using his sword like the G he is.
I had to pause it and unpause because my nerves were TOO bad. It was brutal. Ramsay’s men, who are still waiting by him send their arrows flying again, killing both their men and Jon’s. Davos is still holding some men behind with him, waiting for the right time to join. Tormund and the Wildlings are all in the mix, killing as best as they can. Finally, he says it’s time for them to go in, and the bodies are piled up already. When Ramsay sees that all of Jon’s men are in action, he gives the command for his men to make their main move. The Bolton army, protected behind body size armors, surround Jon’s men, holding long spears and pushing them into a tight circle.
FUCCCCKKKK. I had to pause here too because this was just not even gon work. There was no escaping. Wun Wun the giant, who had some arrows in him already breaks (literally) some of the men in half to break their circle but there is no winning this, between the long spears. Tormund realizes this, and tells his men they need to back up. Jon is stuck in the middle, unable to move as the Wildlings start to try to climb over the mountain of bodies to get out, and it’s a bit of a stampede. Jon gets trapped under folks’ feet and starts gasping for breath. I was like “this man better not die under some feet.” Shit. Finally, Tormund sees him and grabs him up. It is looking like it’s a wrap for the Stark army when horns start blowing.
We look up and see Littlefinger and Sansa.
Behind them are the Knights of Vale to save the day! YESSSS COME THROUGH WITH THE COME THROUGH. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE LITTLEFINGER, YO!!! Those men, on their horses, come from the back and ransack Ramsay’s men. Ramsay, who never gets in the fray of the fight because he’s a punk ass beyotch heads towards Winterfell. Wun Wun, Jon, and Tormund run after him, because NAWL. You will not get away like this.
The moment Ramsay gets through the gates of Winterfell, they close it and tell the archers to get in position. Wun Wun bangs on the gate and starts destroying it as archers send arrows through him. He busts through it and one more arrow hits him and the giant falls to his knees. He looks at Jon, who looks like he’s telling him “thank you” without words, when one arrow hits the giant in the head, finally killing him. That was from Ramsay.
The Bolton Bastard says he’s ready for that one-on-one combat with Jon now. Jon grabs an armor just as an arrow comes soaring towards him from Ramsay. He charges and 3 more come but the armor stops them all. He gets to Ramsay, throws down the armor and proceeds to whoop his ass!
He punches him in the fact until it’s bloodied and the Bolton son looks like one more punch from Jon might MORTAL KOMBAT FINISH HIM. Jon looks up and Sansa is standing there and they exchange a look that tells him what to do. Don’t kill Ramsay.
All the Bolton banners of the flayed man fall off the walls of Winterfell, replaced by the wolf of House Stark, and I actually start to cry. I legit was in tears as the black and red was replaced by white and grey. Melisandre looks on, and Davos does too, while holding that stag.
Rickon’s body is brought in and Jon says they will be burying their brother in the crypt next to Ned. Aw man. Sorry, bro. Sansa asks where they took Ramsay, and soon she’s in front of him. He is completely bloodied and tied up, next to the dog cages. He’s running his mouth, talmbout “You can’t kill me. I’m part of you now.” She reads him for filth.
“Your words will disappear. Your house will disappear. Your name will disappear. All memory of you will disappear.”
Ramsay looks over and sees his dogs coming towards him. He says “My hound will never harm me. They’re loyal beasts” forgetting that he said he hasn’t fed them in seven days. Well, all that blood on his face got him looking VERY appetizing because the dogs come up to him and lick him a little. FRESH MEAT.
He tells them to stand down but they do not listen one bit. His face is the first thing they go for, and we hear Ramsay’s screams as Sansa turns around, smiling, as she leaves the dog to it.
Ramsay dies in the exact way he deserves to, by mad dogs ripping him apart limb by limb.
THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW. OMG I CRIED FROM JOY. THAT WAS SO SATISFYING. I don’t even smoke and I need a cigarette! I knew this had to happen but IT FEELS SO GOOD NOW THAT IT HAS. Ramsay died painfully, from the dogs he trained to kill other people, and because he starved them so they could tear his enemies apart after this battle. It was perfect. And Sansa got to see it, giving her closure because he has caused her so much pain.
Speaking of Sansa, she saved the day. SHE IS THE REAL MVP and you gotta put some #respeck on her name! Had the Knights of Vale not come through, Jon and his men were goners. There is no Ifs, Ands or Buts about it. Now, Littlefinger saving the day will come with a price. Let’s be clear. He keeps playing Captain Save-A-Stark so Sansa is gonna feel indebted to him, which will be her reason for saying YES if he asks her to marry him. Lord Baelish is definitely making a play to get the drawls from Sansa, but most importantly, I think he wants to be Lord of the North. I think he will try to separate the Stark children and pit them against one another.
It’s JUST getting good. Remember that anytime one villain dies, another rises up. Littlefinger is next. I remember my joy when Joffrey died. I didn’t know he would be swiftly replaced by Ramsay as the one I hated the most.
But back to Sansa. Many think she’s pregnant with Ramsay’s baby which is why he said “I’m part of you now.” I hope to the gods old and new that isn’t true. Because what is the first rule of Fight Club? WE DO NOT BIRTH BOLTON BABIES. If she IS pregnant with his minion, he better find some moon tea and have Melisandre work some magic. I’m pro her making that damb choice because NO THANK YOU. DO NOT WANT.
BUT THE STARKS ARE BACK AND THEIR FLAG FLIES IN WINTERFELL AGAIN.
That alone has me giddy, because it’s been a long time since this has been the case. Wasn’t it season 2 when they lost it? Hush up you ol’ fool. The Starks are back at Winterfell. The North remembers. And as much as the Starks have been through, there are still 4 kids left: Jon, Sansa, Arya, Bran. ALL owning their power. Bran is a mighty warg and the new 3-eyed Raven. Arya is a bad ass fighter now, who can whoop ass in pitch black. Jon is the man who lived, and the greatest swordsman in Westeros. Sansa is now a strategist with a powerful (yet conniving) ally in Baelish.
The Stark children are now unfuckwitable, and they are integral in the fight through the Long Night. All of them will be needed, and the one who won’t (Rickon) is dead. He was more of a liability than an asset so he is more useful dead than alive, unfortunately. Again, why did Rickon run a straight line??? I kept thinking that. Like… you better do some foot tricks.
Whew this episode, though. This is officially my favorite episode of Game of Thrones ever! Not only did that summagoat get his comeuppance in the best way possible, but it showed that the women of the kingdoms are the saviors. YEAH I SAID IT. The men are cool and whatnot but the ladies are gonna run shit. Daenerys and her dragons, Yara Greyjoy, Sansa Stark. Often underestimated and often proving that they’re formidable forces to be taken seriously. People gotta learn not to look at them like they’re small time. They are the key to victory.
So what happens next? How do they top this episode? I’m not sure they even need to. I’m good right now and I will savor this victory since we don’t get too many. And we’ve only gotten ONE that even came close to this (Joffrey). I’m lowkey sad that Wun Wun died but he had to give his life for the greater good. He went out like a G!
But yes, BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS WAS EVERYTHING.
We have one more episode to go in season 6 of Game of Thrones. Hold your wigs, y’all. Something tells me this one is going to be a doozer.
P.S. Rest in peace, WUN WUN! The last of the giants. *sad face*