On last week’s episode of Game of Thrones, no one died, Tommen showed he’s a dumbass, everyone is going to Riverrun and Arya is done with Bad Ass Bootcamp. Also, Drogon is back and Dany wants to sail to Westeros with 1,000 ships she ain’t got.
Let’s get into the latest episode.
Middle of Nowhere
We see someone chopping wood like it owes them something and the camera pans up to show us Ser Sandor Clegane aka The Hound!
Last we saw him, Brienne of Tarth had left him for dead after an intense fight. Folks have been wondering if he really died so this is perfection. An old man walks up to the Hound and says he found him on the verge of death, with bones sticking out his body. His name is Ray and he seems to have taken in the Hound into his commune of misfit toys. He asks the Hound what kept him from dying, and the reply he gets is “Hate.” That’s as legit a reason as anything else. Then he tells the Mount’s brother that God is basically not done with him yet. You better come through and PREACH this sermon.
Ray gathers his group and does a Super Soul Session that Oprah would be proud of. He talks about how he used to be a soldier, killing, burning and hating on command. He was a tool of violence and he did it well. But there’s redemption after that, and we don’t need to spread violence because it is a disease. The Hound is listening to all this, and is seemingly affected by it. Right then, three men on horses show up. They’re from the Brotherhood without Banners, which worships the Red God. The men ask the group for steel or food and Ray says they have none. Their group is usually short of food too. The men depart, sneering and foreboding.
Later on, The Hound is chopping more wood when he hears people screaming. He goes to the camp and sees that everyone has been killed. Ray has been hung up on a wooden structure they were building, like a rag doll. The Hound takes his axe, because it’s on like Donkey Kong now.
The High Sparrow finds Margaery deep in the Book of the Mother, quoting scriptures and whatnot. Margaery is about to star in Sister Act part 3: The Faith. I see you Sis Mary Clarence! The Head Scientologist then gets all in her beeswax, saying Tommen’s ol’ punk ass told him that Margaery ain’t giving him the pannie drawls. She says since she’s all holy now, she ain’t got the temptation and he reminds her that her duty is to give the crown an heir. MIND YOUR BUSINESS, OLD MAN! Rude. Before he leaves, he alludes to the fact that the Septons might come for her grandmother. “You must teach her the new way as she taught you the old. Or I fear for her safety, body and soul.” You better not come for the Sophia Petrillo of Westeros! Keep your paws away from the Queen of Thorns, Sparrow!
Margaery goes to see her grandmother, Lady Olenna Tyrell, as one of the Septon nuns hovers over them. The Queen tells granny that she should stop coming for the Crown, because it is an attack on her. And that if she loves her, she will leave King’s Landing. The Queen of Thorns balks but her granddaughter stands firm and hugs her. Margaery puts a piece of paper in Olenna’s palm and leaves. When she’s alone, Lady Tyrell opens it to find a drawn rose.
That was her granddaughter’s way of saying she is Tyrell ALL DAY ERRDAY. No worries, she’s scheming.
Cersei walks into Lady Olenna’s chamber, and Westerosi Sophia says she’s leaving King’s Landing, and if Lannister was smart, she would too. Before those damb Scientologists throw her back in jail. The Queen of Thorns reads Cersei her rights too.
“Our two ancient houses face collapse because of you and your stupidity… I wonder if you’re the worst person I ever met… You’ve lost, Cersei. It’s the only joy I can find in all this misery.” LMAO! Why is everything she says so amazing and shady? Why is she my shady mentor? Why do I love her so dearly? Because she is the Queen of No Fucks Given.
Jamie and his troops show up at Riverrun, with Bronn, our favorite sellsword.
When they do, they watch Walder Frey’s men threaten the Blackfish from outside, talmbout they’ll slit Edmure Tully’s throat if he doesn’t yield the castle. Bryden Tully looks them in the eyes and tells them to kill his nephew if they want. He gives no dambs. The pitiful ass Frey men do nothing, so Jamie rolls up to them and basically calls them some punks. He tells the lead Lothar that if he is gonna make threats, he better follow up with it, and then bitch slaps him. HILARITY. Frey’s men are pitiful as hell, so it takes nothing for Jaime to take control. All he does is tell them and the siege is now his army’s. Also, he demands they go clean Edmure up and give him new clothes.
Anywho, Jamie says he wants to talk to Blackfish face to face, and he gets the chance. The two men verbally spar and Blackfish tells him that he is not giving up that castle, and them troops he brought can’t get in. In fact, he has enough rations to stay in it for two years so Jamie can feel froggy if he wants to. The entire time, he calls Jamie “Kingslayer.” Because ain’t no shade like Westeros shade.
Basically, the only reason Blackfish even went to see him was because he was bored. Wasn’t no wifi in Westeros and sitting in a castle all day can get mind numbing real quick.
On the Run Tour
Theon and Yara’s runaway from the Iron Isles is going well and they’ve made a stop at some brothel. The Ironborn are getting their heaux shit on, but Theon is basically rocking bagginfoaf because our boy got PTSD. He isn’t partaking in any of the shenanigans. Finally, Yara takes break from getting pannies from woman to shake her brother into being brave. She tells him to chug some beer and get rid of whatever all that shit he went through is. She has no use for him if he’s gonna be cowering and he #minuswell slit his wrists if he’ll do that.
If they are to succeed at getting to Meereen and getting Daenerys to become allies with them, she will need his help. So get drunk, get off your ass and be the Theon Greyjoy you can be. “I need you. The real Theon Greyjoy. Not this rat shit pretender.”
Ser Davos, Jon Snow and Sansa are on a mission to man up, increasing their army so they can take Winterfell back from the Boltons. First they go to the Wildlings and ask them to fight. They pushback, wondering why they should and Tormund reminds them that Jon literally died for daring to make sure they’re safe. Now he’s in front of them, rocking a man bun but he lost his life for them once. The giant Wun Wun is the first to stand with Jon, and the Wildlings follow suit. They’re down.
Next stop is the Bear Islands, where House Mormont resides. It is ruled by 10 year old Lady Lyanna, who was named after Lyanna Stark. She is also a bad ass, because she was not there to play games with them.
Her uncle was Lord Commander Mormont, who chose Jon Snow as his heir apparent, making him Lord Commander and giving him that valyrian steel sword. The little lady wonders why they’re there, because yes, the Mormonts are loyal to the Stark but she ain’t see no Stark in front of her.
“As far as I understand, you’re a Snow and Lady Sansa is a Bolton. Or is she a Lannister? I’ve heard conflicting reports.”
ALL THE SHADE. That is an eclipse, even. They are there to ask for the Mormont army, and Ser Davos speaks up and she takes a liking to him. He tells her that they aren’t just warring between the houses. It’s between them and those dead ass wights and the White Walkers. This gets her attention and she allows him to continue. They need all the support they can get to grab Winterfell back and since the Mormonts have been allies of the Starks for 1,000 years, they need them.Lady Lyanna’s advisor wants to tell her something and she stops him in his tracks. She says House Mormont is in. They will pledge their army. How big is it? A large 62 soldiers. But she says each one is the equivalent of 10 regular men.
COME THROUGH, SQUAD. Also, Lyanna Mormont is the TRILLEST. LOVE HER.
Then they head to House Glover and that does not go well. Lord Glover is already skeptical and when he hears that they will be fighting alongside Wildlings, he tells them to GTFO his face. Sansa speaks up and says the Glovers have pledged loyalty to the Starks and he reminds her how that ended up last time. They lost folks in the Red Wedding too, and his wife and child got taken as prisoners. The Stark name ain’t rocking with the same honor it used to. This is an uphill battle. He ain’t going, bruh.
At the camp, Davos, Jon and Sansa take inventory of what they got. 2,000 Wildlings, 62 Mormont men, andddd 1 giant. Sansa thinks they need to find more men but Jon says they’re gonna have to make this number work. Tim Gunn would be proud.
Arya walks up to a man who is playing a game and drops a bag of coins on his table. She wants to go to Westeros, and he says he leaves in the morning. She can be a stowaway in one of those crates. She drops another bag of coins and says she wants an actual cabin. He agrees, and she picks up her coins and says she’ll be there in the morning.
She stands on a bridge when an old woman comes up to her and says “Sweet girl.” When she turns around, she gets stabbed and the woman turns to The Waif.
Arya gets one hit in and rolls over the bridge into water, and where she dove in turns red from her blood. NOOOOOO!!! I wasn’t readdyyyyy.
Arya comes out the water elsewhere, sputtering. She is bleeding badly, and walks through Braavos clutching her stomach. People are just looking at her, no one even tryna help, and our girl looks truly helpless. For the first time in a long time.
HEAL ARYA, FATHA GAWD!!! Lawd, she ain’t ‘posed to go out like this. And I know she won’t. She still has that Kill List to handle, and it is very important to me. Also, our girl was slipping. She shoulda been on her Ps and Qs. She knew The Waif would be coming for her. Be on your A game ALWAYS! Now she’s all stabbed and no one is helping her. I’m hoping Lady Crane somehow comes to her rescue. When someone saves your life, you owe them. #LettucePray.
Whew. But one theory I read is saying that maybe Arya and The Waif are the same person, like Fight Club. It made my brain melt but it makes sense. The Waif might be the part of Arya that she needs to kill off, and it isn’t til she’s dead that she can truly step out and pursue her destiny. The Waif being the part of Arya that she needs to kill in order to really follow the path she should. The part that doubts her, tells her she ain’t good enough and waits for her to fail. The moment Arya stepped into the House of Black and White, she’s been the voice over her shoulder waiting for her to misstep. In the war that’s happening, Arya has NO ROOM to doubt herself. So I could see The Waif being that part of her consciousness and Jaqen wanting her to kill it before she moves on.
We never see anyone else interact with the Waif, besides Arya and Jaqen. This could be interesting and I kinda want it to happen like that. Next week’s episode is called “No One” so this might be resolved then.
This episode is called “The Broken Man” which is no doubt about the Hound. I wonder where he’s headed next and who will be on the end of that axe first.
Riverrun is getting crowded and Brienne will reach it in the next episode. Her and Jamie will reunite. I can’t wait to see that play out.
And can they have a Lyanna Mormont spinoff? That little girl is EVERYTHING and I am here for her! I need MORE Lady Lyanna in my GOT life. How can this happen? Can she get her own show?
Discuss in the comments!