On the last ep of Game of Thrones, we fell in love with Lady Lyanna Mormont, the Hound is ready to wreck shop and Arya got stabbed by the Waif. Let’s go!
Five of the men of the Brotherhood Without Banners are sitting around making jokes when the Hound shows up with his axe and proceeds to kill them all in like 20 seconds flat. He is pissed about his crew of chill villagers were killed and he wants blood.
He finds the three Brothers he was looking for, and they are standing on wooden planks, hanging from a tree. The leaders of the Brotherhood, including Beric, found out they killed those villagers, and are about to handle them, because this is bad for the brand. They ain’t ask them to pillage that community like that. Hound says he wants to kill them all himself but they compromise and say he can kill 2. He grabs his axe and they stop him. Nah. They must be hanged, soooo the most he can do is be the one to let the rope do its job. Clegane huffs and says fine. He does just that AND takes the boots of the main guy who taunted the villagers.
Later on, the Brotherhood sit around the fire, watching Hound tear up some meat and they invite him to join them. There’s more good for him to do to assuage his guilt, and there’s a war coming where he’s needed.
They point out that everyone there has a purpose because otherwise the Lord of Light wouldn’t have brought Beric back or created Hound to be a fighters. He contemplates it. Lemme find out Mount’s brother is about to have a clique! SQUAD non-goals!
Cersei is told that the men of the Faith can now enter Red Keep (the castle), and they are currently waiting on her outside. The Scientologists are led by cousin Lancel, and he tells her that the High Sparrow wants to see her. She says nah, and he tells her this isn’t a question but a demand. She says he is welcome to come see her at Red Keep. Lancel is not budging and says either she comes with them or there will be violence. With FrankenMount next to her, Cersei says she chooses violence.
One of the Faith men takes his axe and strikes Mount but it doesn’t even make a dent on his armor. Mount picks the guy up pummels him and then rips his head clean off his body. Lancel and his crew look like they just pissed themselves. This ain’t a game.
Cersei and Qyburn and FrankenMount go to the Throne room, where folks are gathered. Apparently, there’s a royal announcement, but no one told her. When she tries to go stand next to Tommen, she is blocked. She gotta go stand with the other “ladies of the court.” Whew. She has been relegated to a commoner, basically. Tommen’s punk ass announces that they’ve set the date for Cersei and Loras Tyrell’s trial. ANDDD starting now, trial by combat is forbidden. That is a clear message to Cersei, after the men of the Faith snitched about how her weapon, FrankenMount snatched off the head of their fellow. Also, there goes her plan if she lost the trial. Whoops.
Qyburn whispers to Cersei that his Little Birds said the rumor she heard has weight. What rumor??? Also, I can’t wait for Tommen to die.
Tyrion’s plan seems to be working and the people of Meereen are singing the praises of the Mother of Dragon. Him and Varys are walking through and the two have to say goodbye because V gotta go on some mission to Westeros. He wants to get Danaerys some allies, and it seems Tyrion is really gonna miss him when he’s gone. He decides to walk the rest of the way because being with the most “famous dwarf in the city” is no way to move in silence. Tyrion corrects him.
BE SAFE, V! Keep the bromance alive!
Tyrion is drinking in a chamber as Missandei and Grey Worm watch him. He asks why they never drink and I want say “Because you do enough drinking for EVERYONE, T.” The Unsullied says it’s against their rules and Missandei says alcohol makes her feel funny. Like the frat by he is, Tyrion is not trying to hear it. He has a dream to start his own wine vineyard one day, producing wine called “The Imp’s Delight.”
He peer pressures both of them to drink some wine, I guess to loosen up and they exchange bad jokes. All seems fine until it isn’t. They hear a bell and go outside to see massive ships approaching. Missander says “The Masters have come for their property.” Meereen is about to descend into chaos. And Tyrion’s plan failed.
Back in the chamber, Grey Worm basically tells Tyrion to STFU because his mouth is what got them into this mess. What do they do now? They wait for the slavers to come to them and the Unsullieds will fight. All of a sudden, the castle shakes and they look around. One of the Unsullied man goes outside the door, ready to fight, but bows instead. In walks Danaerys, looking like “I’m back, bitches. But WTF did y’all do when I was gone?”
Brienne of Tarth and Podrick get to Riverrun and see the siege that Jaime and his Lannister army have going. She spots Jaime and asks some soldiers that she requests to see him. “Tell him I have his sword.” With Brienne in Jaime’s tent, Bronn asks Pod if he’s slept with her, because he’s a perv. He also teaches him a little bit of fight stance after he successfully hits him without much of a fight. “Lesson number one, assume everyone wants to hit you.” Come through, life lessons.
Brienne and Jamie play catchup for a hot second and get down to business. Why is she there? She wants to see if she can convince Blackfish to surrender the castle, and get his army to march up north to Winterfell to fight with the 2,062 the Starks are working with. Jamie says “He’s even more stubborn than you are” but she gets him to agree that if the Blackfish does surrender, his troops get to pass safely. She wants til sundown. And before Brienne leaves, she tries to give him his sword back, since its purpose was to get her to save Sansa. Jamie tells her that it is hers to keep and it will always be hers. Whew. Good.
It’s Valyrian Steel. We’re gonna need that in the war against the White Walkers. Also, she says her loyalty is to the Starks, so if he attacks Blackfish, she will need to fight Jamie. He understands, because: honor.
Brienne goes to speak with the Blackfish and at first, he isn’t even trying to give her the time of day. He hasn’t seen Sansa since she was tiny, and he surely doesn’t know who the hell she is. Well, he knew her father, and yes, he was an honorable man. She makes him take the letter she had Sansa write and Bryden recognizes Catelyn in his niece.
Still, he is not going to abandon his ancestral home and let Jamie Lannister take it. He tells her he ain’t gon do it. Brienne tells Podrick to send Sansa a raven saying she failed.
Later that day, Jamie goes to see Edmure Tully. He says that he only has one mission, and that is to capture that castle. Why? Because that is what Cersei wants, and he loves her so much that he will make it happen, no matter what is in his way. Jamie’s devotion to Cersei is both impressive and gross. He knows Edmure has never seen his son, who he sired on his wedding night, the only night he got to lay with his wife before he became a prisoner for the Freys. If he has to, Jamie will summon for his wife and kid and kill them, because he is willing to kill every Tully on this Earth if it means he conquers Riverrun. Soooo whatcha gon do, Edmure?
Edmure walks to the draw bridge of Riverrun and commands them to let him in. The Blackfish says fuck no, but the commander of the forces says since Edmure is his direct lord, he is sworn to obey him. And that he does. The drawbridge is opened, and Edmure gives one more command, which is for all the forces to lay down their arms. Chile… whut. He gets in, and the Lannister army is right behind him. He also wants the Blackfish captured and handed to the Freys.
Lemme get this straight. You sold out your uncle to protect a wife and child you have never met. You lost the short game AND long game. FAH WUT?
Blackfish, Brienne and Podrick find an escape hatch but the Tully dude says he ain’t going, Brienne advises him to come with them “Don’t die for pride when you can fight for your blood.” THAT IS A WORD! But nah. He already ran at the Red Wedding. He is not about to do the same now. He pulls out his sword to ready for combat and bids them adieu.
Jamie has made it into the castle himself, and is standing at the top when one of his men tells him they got Blackfish, but he died in combat. DAMBIT. He looks down and sees Brienne and Podrick rowing away. Him and B’s eyes lock and they wave, and I am so shipping them for the respect they have for one another.
Lady Crane is playing the hell outta fake Cersei on that stage, jonesing for a Tony Award. The crowd eats up her monologue when fake Joffrey dies. The lady is done with her part and she goes backstage and takes off her wig. She’s about to take a sip of her rum when she hears a noise behind the curtains. It’s Artya, stabbed, bleeding and looking pitiful.
Of course, Lady Crane mends our girl up. She takes her home, makes her drink her bad soup and helps her stitch her wound. She forces her to take a sleeping potion so she can mend. In the morning, she checks on Arya, who is still sleeping.
She goes to grab something from her cupboard when she sees a man in all black. Arya wakes up with a jolt because she hears a noise, and she goes to see and finds Lady Crane dead and gone, in a pool of blood. NOOOOO!!! She was such a sweetheart. The Waif is standing there smirking, talmbout the Many Face God wanted this woman dead so it was gon happen come hell or high water. And now, SHE must die too.
And so begins the chase through Braavos. It’s like the Matrix, Braavos edition. Neo and Agent Smith. Every time Arya makes ground, the Waif shows up out of nowhere. Mind you, our girl is still recovering from being stabbed the day before, so all the jumping and rolling and running has her bleeding again. She runs into a dark house, and Waif shows up, telling her to pick how she wants to die: on her knees or on her back.
Arya is standing and holding Needle (YES!) and I was stressed out for her because her back was literally to the wall. As Waif approaches, Arya cuts out the candle next to her, plunging them into total darkness.
Remember her Bad Ass Bootcamp training while she was blind? Well that comes in handy now.
At the House of Black and White, Jaqen sees bloody footprints and they lead to the Hall of Many Faces. He follows them and the blood takes him to the wall, where the Waif’s face is the newest addition. He turns around and Arya says “You sent her to kill me.” He retorts with “But here you are. And there she is.” Touché. He actually looks proud, because this is what he expected to happen. He tells her “Finally, a girl is no one.” Arya replies with “A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell, and I’m going home.”
She turns around and leaves.
YES MA’AM!!! I hope Arya beats everyone’s ass when she gets home. Arya might not be the Waif, like we guessed but she HAD to kill her, for many reasons. Waif wanted her to die and she was going to try for as long as she was alive. Also, this is a victory Arya needed, because it shows her growth. I also love that now she knows she cannot be No One. She has a mission to fulfill, and she will always be Arya. However, she needed to spend this time in Braavos to become the bad ass she is now.
As for Jaqen, I hope he secretly follows Arya to Westeros to continue to protect her. Some folks call him “Sexy Jesus” and I cackle. He is kinda FAHN. A theory that is out there says that Jaqen might actually be Syrio Forell, Arya’s sword teacher from season 1. Remember that we never saw him die, and what was his motto? “What do we say to death? Not today.” Also, he is from Braavos. What if he’s been him this whole time? IDK. We shall see.
Now, I wonder if Blackfish REALLY died? Some deaths, we don’t see happen onscreen and that means the person will be back (see: The Hound). Are Blackfish’s men protecting him? I am kinda hoping so, because damb. I didn’t think he’d do down that quick. Also, will Jamie release the Tully army to march up North anyway, since that was Brienne’s goal? Hmmm…
Episodes 9 of Game of Thrones are usually full of terror. Season 1: Ned’s beheading. Season 3: Red Wedding. Season 5: Shireen’s death. What’s to come next week? Well, season 2 was the Battle of Blackwater. Season 4 was the Battle of Castle Black. Season 6 brings us the Battle of the Bastards. I take that to mean Jon Snow and Ramsay Bolton (formerly Snow) will face off. I pray to the gods old and new that Ramsay meets a painful end, and Jon lives to see another day.