This country is ungrateful as hell. You know good and damb well Black folks built this thing with our blood and sweat, literally. Now you wanna treat us like Starks at the Red Wedding and we do not appreciate it.
If we decided to peace out and make our Black Exit (BLAXIT) like Brexit, they’d be up shit’s creek. Ulysses Burley III wrote a piece on The Salt Collective called #BLAXIT: 21 things we’re taking with us if we leave. And well, it was fantastic and you gotta read it. We just have more things we need to take with us.
Ulysses correctly identified Beyonce, Oprah, Shonda, soul food and HeLa cells as 5 of those things. What and who else do we take with us in this BLAXIT? Well, my Facebook friends had a field day. Because if you can’t count on us for nothing else, you can ensure that our petty cup always runneth over.
What are we taking with us when we go to New Blaxica? Hella OnyxLand? Republic of Noir? Land of Sable?
Dianthe: Jesse Williams!!!! Don’t forget Jesse! Fine and woke! He’s mandatory!
Luvvie: Oh they’d give Jesse to us with no problem because they think he’s a troublemaker anyway. We need it to be people who would hurt their feelings.
Ty: He comes with the Shondaland Package.
Shatani: and Wayne Brady! i mean, we don’t necessarily need him, but they love him and i’m spiteful!
Luvvie: This is true. We don’t care about him but we know how much it’d hurt their feelings. So yeah.
Tracey: Jazz music, Little Richard, Dave Chapelle, Samuel Jackson and James Earl Jones
Lena: I’m surprised Seasoning isn’t on the list. I guess that’s soul food…
Joan: Don’t forget seasoning and hot sauce. enjoy your bland food Merica
Elisha: The Allstate man!
Shatani: YES! Dennis Haysbert’s ole sexy behind! then they will REALLY have no black presidents! they’ll be stuck with Jamie Foxx and will BEG us to come back!
Melissa: Can we leave Wendy Williams???
Luvvie: Yes. We can. We ain’t taking her AT ALL. They can have her.
Briah: Leaving Stacy Dash too!
Adrianne: She’s too historically ignorant and thirsty to come with us.
Angela: Somebody go grab Mother Cicely Tyson. She getting old and she’s played every slave there ever was….she ought to be at the front of the line, along with James Earl Jones and Harry Belafonte.
Ontell: I’m taking Rock n Roll with me as well. Thats ours too
Luvvie: WE ARE TAKING THE BUTTERS WITH US. Shea AND Cocoa.
Shatani: Yessssssss!!!! Shea, cocoa, almond, peanut, and body butters!
Luvvie: YESSS to Peanut butter too. We did that!
Tira: WE TAKIN MACARONI AND CHEESE DAMMIT. Others don’t know what to do with it anydamnway. AND DAMMIT WE TAKIN’ BACON. BACON IS THE BACKBONE OF GLORY GREENS FLAVORING SINCE 1989!!!
Luvvie: We are also taking STYLE with us. YES. No more fashions and trends. And we are taking COOL SHIT. Why? B/c Black folks are the curators of cool.
Cee: Packs Denzel up.
Luvvie: WE ARE TAKING IDRIS ELBA. I don’t care that he isn’t American. We are taking him.
Yinka: And we are taking Luvvie too! No more #GOT recaps for y’all!
Luvvie: LET EM KNOW!
Cee: Takes all the children’s super soakers.
Ontell: that’s ours too
Tameka: We’re taking edges, boxer braids, Baby Hairs and Lemonheads. Give us free!
Nicole: They can keep Lauryn Hill’s late ass.
Luvvie: She gon be late for the bus to leave anyway. We can tell her what time we leaving and she’ll show up 4 hours late. So…
Shatani: the same thought occurred to me. we can TELL them we taking her…let them breathe a sigh of relief and be super mad when she still here and we gone
Ta-Tanisha: Traffic lights! Figure it out Merica!!
Tira: We takin’ ERRRRRRRRRRY damn Superbowl, NBA Finals, MLB Allstar Game and hell even damn WORLD CUP halftime/intermission performance because really…..if Mike Mike or Prince or Mary or Bey ain’t performing then I really don’t know what the hell we watchin it ‘fo. Shit even Bruno Mars too.
Courtney: The electric slide, the cha-cha slide, the Cupid shuffle…and yes the tush push is coming with us!!!! #NOMOLINEDANCINGFOYALL!
Luvvie: We are also taking GOOD tater salad with us.
Joan: And grits that’s coming too
Raven: We’re taking Flaming Hots and all the dill pickles that sit in jars at convenience stores…
Tiffany: We’re taking poetry, Big Mama, Jazz, Rap, and STAND UP COMEDY!
Tonya: Jesus. We’re taking Jesus.
Luvvie: Because HAIR OF WOOL.
Nneka: We should take cotton, since we’re the ones who picked and harvested that shit.
Luvvie: TRUE. Let em wear polyester AT ALL TIMES.
Crystal: Yesssssss no more duvets, sheets, thread counts
Bridget: If we’re taking drama and storytelling (and we should), that means we’re taking religion too, cause that’s how it all started…
Rachael: DON’T TAKE MY GUMBO AND MY CRAWFISH! I’LL BE GOOD
Reine: Nah sis Gumbo coming
Shatani: nope…you betta get ya friends! jambalaya is coming as well.
Luvvie: We are taking ALL black women so Kim Kardashian won’t know what to do when she wakes up.
Kara: Who will she copy now?!
Luvvie: WE ARE TAKING SERENA WILLIAMS! AND HER BAWSE ASS.
Raven: We’re taking Stevie Wonder!!! Let them try to find music for their wedding receptions they can dance off beat to on their own! Ummm, Stevie’s style team can stay here though…Just sayin’.
Risee: We also taking Serena and Venus, Simone and Gabby, Usain, Yohan Blake, Mo Farah, fuck it we taking athletics! all of it! we are taking all knowledge of how to do awesome hair (good luck with them “boxer” braids and “cane” rows) and we are taking 90-year-old-fly-as-shit Cicely Tyson, Angela Basset, Tina Turner, Elise Neal and the fountain of youth.
Kedrin: Wait, we better be taking Morgan Freeman AND James Earl Jones. You get NONE of the velvety richness. Try another Star Wars without James if you want to.
Luvvie: We are taking Kevin Hart.
Shatani: yeah! who’s gonna be in your buddy film now, suckers?!?!
Melissa: We gotta take James Earl Jones, Cicely Tyson (cuz she stays woke), Tyler Perry (he got revenue), Neil Degrasse Tyson, all black pro athletes that know they black, cornbread, WD-40, and maybe RiteAid (cuz they carry more miscellaneous items than their competitors)…..
Luvvie: PACK EM UP!
Angela: We bringing back every black person that ever got killed in a horror movie and taking them. Rise up y’all. It’s a new day.
Barbara: We’re taking Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson & Lenny Kravitz. I know that they are biracial but I’m using the One Drop rule as case precedence.
Tiana: Dwayne was already coming. With me. In my bag.
Nicole: We are taking Uno, Spades, Bid Wist, Dominoes, Bingo, and Pokeno!!!!
Lamar: We are taking Zoomba/Zumba and dropping it off near Brazil.
Cee: Takes all the traffic lights down
Linnyette: Peanut oil, vegetable oil and Crisco. Coming with us…so we can keep on frying up those GAWJEOUSLY golden and oh so crisply flavorful pieces of fried chicken, fried fish, fried ‘skrimps and other deliciousness.
Angela: We’re taking all the church lady hats. Nobody but old church mothers and Aretha Franklin know how to wear them anyway.
Tonja: We even taking the instructions/handbook for them to correctly clap on the 2 and 4.
Luvvie: WE ARE TAKING THE HOLY GHOST WITH US.
Jessica: Did anyone mention Viola Davis or Octavia? I feel as if they can’t be left behind
Nicole: You know Viola already on the bus
Ayoka: We are taking the terms “fa sho”, frfr , the fist bump, and house shoes. Just cause we can.
Gina: Can we reclaim Aunt Jemima and her various pancake and syrup recipes? Uncle Ben and all his rice? And the 11 herbs and spices that Colonel Sanders stole? Cause you know all that was stolen.
D’dra: We taking ALLLLLLLLLL the Jacksons *sits the “untalented” ones next to Wayne Brady since we only took them so THEY couldn’t have them*
Nicki: eff all the bs…we are takin TECH…FN…NOLOGY… COMPUTERS!! THATS RIGHT…COMPUTERS. cause dr. mark dean’s black arse owns 8 of the original pc patents. game over.
Shatani: PREACH! they wont even be able to get in touch once we leave.
Rachael: SHIT. All we have left is NASCAR, boiled meats and Conan O’Brien. :'( TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!
People talmbout we taking Samuel L. Jackson with us during #BLAXIT. NAWL! Sam is so Black, he went ahead of everyone to make sure the Republic of Noir is as Black as it can be.
PLAY WITH US IF YOU WANT TO, WHITE PEOPLE! We’re taking ALL this shit we brought/worked on/invented/created with us.
P.S. It seems we forgot to specify that the entire Obama family comes with us. It was just such a foregone conclusion that I didn’t think it needed to be stated. But you’re right. Barack, Michelle, Malia, Sasha, Granny Robinson. Shit, Bo and Sonny the dogs. THEY ARE ALLLLLLLL coming with us. We’re taking the White House with us too. That was built by black people.
P.P.S. Follow up post to this: My Melanin-Deficient Readers Respond to Negotiate Terms of #BLAXIT. <—- you need this in your life too. Because: shenanigans.