For those of you who were born after 1998,
get off my lawn you might not know that MTV actually stands for Music Television. And these things called VMAs stand for Video Music Awards. You are welcome for that drop of knowledge. Please leave now because I can’t believe that you were born after Lauryn Hill dropped Miseducation.
This is relevant because there was a time when I had MTV programmed in my TV as one of my favorite channels. Between Real World episodes and TRL and that summer when they gave Sisqo his own dance show and I watched it religiously. Now, there’s a lot of non-music shows on there and I haven’t watched the channel in years. Related: I don’t listen to the radio so when I was told the VMAs was last night, I was shocked. I had heard nothing about it.
That is when I realized that I’ve aged out completely. I knew I would not know 87.4% of the people presenting or up for awards. I watched anyway, because FOMO (fear of missing out) is real and peer pressure is a thing.
Also, I felt like talmbout people. So I saw the first 2 hours and tapped out after Britney Spear’s “performance.” I have a bunch of questions about the show so let’s get into it.
* Did God just hit copy + paste on Jay-Z’s face to make Blue’s? LAWDT she looks just like her doggone daddeh. That little precious, adorable one. He spit her out, ain’t he?
And some folks keep saying Beyoncé was getting her together on the white carpet. NAWL. I think she was checking on her. All those cameras and people yelling. I’d wanna run away NOW, let alone if I was 4 years old.
* Why was Cassie dressed like a post-apocalyptic robot? She really does try to be edgy against all odds.
* Was Rihanna bored by her own opening performance? Because she sure looked it and I surely was. She threw on her “Pon de Replay” high ponytail and performed with a set that looked like what I imagine Cam’ron’s house does. It was so bubblegum pink.
* Why was everyone HOLLERING? All the hosts and correspondents kept screaming into the mics, like they didn’t do soundcheck. I wanted folks to use their inside voice so bad. The producers musta said “give us energy” and they heard “scream every line.” Nicole Byers had me ready to turn down my whole TV because every time she was on screen, I wanted to say “sis. Please bring it down 4 notches.” And Jay Pharaoh was acting like if he wasn’t being loud, they might fire him before the show was over.
* How adorable is Chance the Rapper? He showed up in overalls, looking like a character from “Arthur.” Or the Black Mario Brother. He is so freaking cute!
I LOVE HIM!
* What happened to Key and Peele’s funny? Them hosting the show in character as Twitter-obsessed folks had potential to be funny but it had me blank-staring my TV for most of the night.
* Did Alicia Keys volunteer as tribute? Was she gonna be representing District 9? I wanted her to spin around to see if her dress would start flaming on the bottom. I love her, doe. And this commitment to no makeup. I, AT LEAST, need my red lip. I can go makeup-less otherwise.
* Did Ariana Grande’s stylists sign an unbreakable oath that forbids them from letting her do anything but a long ponytail? I just wanna see her rock another look. Related: why does she always look like she’s playing in someone else’s clothes? Maybe it’s because they want her to be sexy but she’s just too adorable and I wanna say “aawwww” instead.
* Why won’t Future finish chewing whatever is in his mouth? When he was performing, I kept wondering why he wouldn’t finish words. ENUNCIATE, my dude. The only thing I understood was his reiteration of “100,000.” This is why I do not listen to the radio. I don’t have time to be solving the riddles of your lyrics. Also, why was he rocking at least 5 different shades of red? He looked like a Twizzler that was spoiling.
* Why didn’t Kim Kardashian let her hair finish drying before she left the house? It was a stringy mess, which I think was on purpose.
* Why, Kanye? Just why? That man got on stage and embarrassed me, like I was the one who came with him and gotta explain to people why he ain’t got no behavior. He stood on that VMAs stage and ranted about I DON’T EVEN KNOW for a good five minutes. You could see that his brain goes way faster than his mouth can keep up so he jumps from topic to topic without any link.
This is also why he shouldn’t do shit unscripted. It makes him look like the poster child for ADHD. And then he kept on saying “Bro. BRO. Bruh.” And everyone in the audience (but Kim) had permanent WTF looks on their faces. Sandman Sam was a valuable member of society. He needed to get on that stage to pull Kanye off it.
Kanye West apologists are gonna write 1,200 word essays on “How genius he is” and to them, I say a hearty “STOP.”
* Why is Kanye still so obsessed with Amber Rose? The man STAYS with her name in his mouth and it should be appalling to Kim.
Someone who cannot stop talking about his ex might still be in love with her. When he name-checked her and the camera panned to her, she kept her best “This fucknugget” poker face on. I love her. Meanwhile, Kim is in her seat clapping like a dizzy seal, not realizing that her husband is a fuckboi.
* Was Teyana Taylor one of the top three winners of the night? Yes she was. Kanye’s “FADE” video starred her in this cropped top and thong as she danced the gym away. And people everywhere watched mouth agape as the closest thing to a perfect body made us all realize that we need to get into the gym and work out intensely. But then, most folks still can’t get that body because that is straight genetics.
Teyana has a 9 month old baby, y’all. That body is God’s gift. So thanks, Kanye. I don’t know what the video is about but watching her was a gift. If I had that girl’s body, I would be a terror and I would not be a good person. Jesus be knowing.
And now, magazines with white staff are wondering who this woman is. She ain’t “new” and she isn’t just being “discovered.” Ol’ Columbus asses. Just because you just found out about the existence of something or someone doesn’t mean it’s new. UGH.
TEYANA BEEN ON! Get familiar!
* Why was Rihanna’s 2nd set the party we all wanna attend?
Rihanna: I want 200 of my friends on stage with me dutty wining
MTV: But how will we make that work?
Ri: Figure it out.
And they did. It was so lit! And she had on a durag with a train. Her Blackness is 2Legit2Quit.
* WHY IS BEYONCE TRYING TO RECRUIT ME INTO THE BEYHIVE? Who do I send my membership dues? That performance of hers was magnificent for so many reasons. I was like “oh so she just gon make me fall in love with her like this.”
From beginning to end, she gave stunning visuals and the statements she made with them gave me goosebumps. Like when people were falling around her, after what sounded like gunshots, covered in red light. And a hooded Black man stood behind her, like an angel.
That shit made me wanna cry.
And then she turned around and gave us yansh. Her ass was jiggling like the perfect jello mold and I was all “God bless her.” She ended her performance by forming the woman symbol with her dancers. It was glorious and you cannot deny that she is the best entertainer alive right now. If you do, you’re a professional hater.
She basically put on a full LEMONADE concert and I wondered why MTV didn’t just end the show there. Nothing else after was relevant. Closing credits shoulda rolled and we could have all gotten to bed much earlier.
But no. They still had more, because Britney Spears was next.
* Why didn’t Britney Spears say she came down with a sudden bout of nausea and bow out her performance? MTV making her perform after Bey is shade. Total eclipse. Honestly, all I was expecting from Brit was that she would make sure her lips always matched the track that’s playing. If she did that, I’d say she done good. But she barely even.
She ain’t even attempt to hit ONE live note and her little gyrating in a green onesie made me wanna clap with pity. You don’t wear a onesie right after the Queen. You’ll play yourself.
Watching Britney perform after Beyonce is like watching a kiddie recital after you see the Alvin Ailey dancers. It’s cute but… nah.
I was done with the show at this point because it had been 2 hours and I wanted to go do something else. According to the internet, I missed out on some massive roast when Drake gave Rihanna her Vanguard award.
So I found the clip.
* Why is Drake the definition of the friend zone? Drake proclaimed that he’s been in love with Rihanna since he was 22. And the hug he got on TV was the “Bless your heart” church hug. And the entire world went “aawwww. Drake.”
He laid it all on the line and was peak vulnerable and Rihanna laughed and patted his head.
But yeah. Dassit. Congrats to all the award winners. I don’t know them. Besides Bey and Rihanna.