There are times when I just KNOW that the devil is busier than a toddler when they first learn how to walk and they’re discover the real purpose of feet. I was minding everyone’s business and scrolling through Facebook when I stumbled upon the pic below, posted by NoWayGirl.
I did that thing where you’re scrolling and pass something by and you know you didn’t se what you thought you see so you scroll back up and stop because surely you are not looking at the abomination your eyes is saying you’re looking at.
Blue. Kool. Aid. Baked. Chicken. Wings. Someone somewhere thought it would be a grand idea to coat chicken in blue kool-aid. WHY, FATHA GAWD?!? First of all, whoever did this cannot come with us for BLAXIT. They can’t even get a visitor’s pass because this is disrespect of the highest caliber. This is like if someone called your mama a bald-headed, no-good bitch. This is the chicken version of fighting words, like someone just told you to pull your shoes up because your pants are flooding and your ankles are ashy.
I take this as personal affront. When did good ass golden brown chicken, baked or fried t perfection become boring? What level of raggedy does it take for someone to say they wanna coat their yard bird in blue-tinted high fructose corn powder? Why can we not have nice things? Jesus didn’t invent delicious chicken so it can be wasted like this.
Whoever did this, I hope their edges don’t lay down no matter how much brown gel they use. I hope they never remember where they put their keys even though they were just RIGHT THERE. And I hope their favorite jeans split in the crotch right before they’re about to go out with bae. PETTY PRAYERS ARE NECESSARY.
Anywho, I posted this on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page, and you know my folks have ZERO chill. They owe chill.
Deidre: Noooooo! You’re supposed to have red Kool-aid WITH the wings, not blue Kool-aid on them? The patron saint of chicken wings needs to come down and peck out the eyes of whoever did this! May the batter fall off any wings they cook for ever more!
Luvvie: LMAO at the Patron Saint of Chicken Wings. I really want there to be one.
Deidre: They have one for everything else! This saint takes offerings of seasoned flour and gurantees that your every wing will be fried to a delicious golden brown. Now I want some of my mama’s wings. Excuse me for a moment.
Danielle: May they never have enough oil to properly fry their chicken and they have to run back out to the store.
Deidre: May someone fry fish in the oil they saved to fry chicken without telling them!
Ericc: May all they cornbread be dry and all they chicken be moist (and not in the taste juicy way, but the wet soggy way) and never crispy, may all their rice burn and all their Kool be grape flavored with no sugar
Jennifer: This is the Nigerian Olympic Costume of chicken wings. Get that chicken a track suit.
Luvvie: DEADDDD. You are so rude. I love you.
Alden: This is the ninth circle of hell, apocalyptic type fuckery that happens when we nominate a delusional ferret wearing orange hobgoblin for president. We went and broke the seventh seal and now we’ve even fucked up chicken.
Ericc: This was written in the stars and so our ancestors decided to take the chicken from us since we don’t know how to act
Danielle: This requires a petty prayer.
“May every wing forever have that one, errant feather with the diamond tough shaft that pokes them in the gums.”
“May their chicken always have THAT smell when they open it, and they have to go to the store for a new pack.”
“May the flats never have enough meat, and may the drumettes be forever dry like the Sahara.”
LaQuenta: All I keep thinking is that you will be eating Smurfs. This makes me sad.
Kydra: This is a travesty. Total disrespect to the deliciousness that is the chicken wing. The Kool-aid man needs to bust through their wall and punch them smooth in the throat!
Haley: This person has no friends, and obviously hates her family.
Danielle: Update: I just showed my 13 year old daughter, and she frowns at the screen and says, “Y’all going to Hell.” She was so mad at whoever did this, she doesn’t think they can repent hard enough. Smh. . .
Aleece: The children shall lead us. Ya’ll better listen
Constance: Whoever created this was hurt by someone while eating chicken. Their anger in projected in the recipe. This is a cry for help. They need therapy.
Jennifer: Oh, that ain’t right. EVERYBODY knows you have Kool-aid with the chicken. NOT on the chicken. I gotta lay down….this is too much.
Donna: No..no no no no..this total and complete disrespect of the chicken wing. This person must be found immediately! That I should have to bear witness to such a travesty!!!!
Jasmyn: What in the name of all that is good and holy would cause a monster to even think to do such a thing to our blessed bird of consumption? My soul is offended.
Carrie: No. Satan, get your shenanigans behind me. I shall set this abomination aflame and cast it from humanity.
Kyna: This $÷!+ right here is why they don’t want to legalize marijuana… You got to be high to do that!! Lmao
Jasmine: What must this taste like? Oppression? Cause this is not the act of a freedman. This is internalized racism.
Amanda: It would have to taste like Regret at the very least.
Jasmine: Sprinkled with defeat. Because whomever is responsible for this surely gave the hell up.
Kelli: Tastes like punishment and bad decisions.
LaRue: Taste like IRS audits and child support payments. Like student loan interest and rejection letters.
Elinora: Do NOT leave this person with us, The Remainder, when Blaxit goes down, I beg you. (Okay I’m not asking for an “accident”, but this is just … no …)
Mary: I propose a Waxit. For those that nobody wants to claim. There’s only so much punishment those of us left behind can handle. This goes too far
Danielle: can we ship all the rejects that no race wants to claim to a remote island somewhere.. wait isn’t that how Australia happened? 😂😂
Lynn: We can put them on the boat with Dolezal and Dash an ‘nem. They’re going to the Bermuda Triangle.
Susan: If those chicken blaspheming folks are banned from the blaxit, maybe there will be room for us pigmentally challenged? That kitchen needs an exorcism STAT! Get thee behind me, chicken!!
Shaquita: This makes my heart sad. Why would anyone do such a cruel and evil thing to meat. This is an injustice. 😢 This chicken ain’t never done nothing to you! Nothing! *flips table*
Stacy: I know that chickens are called barnyard pimps… But come on. That chicken is the color of a 22 button double breasted suit from the Steve Harvey collection. #helltothenaw
LMAO! I’m so glad they feel my pain. Let this not happen again. If this is your cousin’s doing, tell them to stop. Now. Yesterday. Last week, even.