Because Now You Can Get Collard Greens at Neiman Marcus
So at this point, I think the theme for 2016 is FIRMLY “The Devil is Busy.” As in, this year’s hashtag should be #TheDevilisBusy2016. Or #SatanisPuttinginWork2016. Because there is just too much foolishment happening. TEW MUCH, FATHA GAWD.
What happened this time? Well, luxury store Neiman Marcus is now offering collard greens for sale. Go back and read that sentence and come back.
Yes, Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom’s peer, is selling THE COLLARDS to the masses. On the same website where I can get a $1,200 Burberry trench (one day, Jesus. Let it be), I can order up some greens. All for the un-low price of $66.
Jesus is Lord. Collard greens don went designer! $66 for some leaves that will only serve 8-10 people?? Well, $81 once you add shipping. Do they cook themselves? Does it come with gold flakes to sprinkle over it after it comes off the stove? Does it clean itself? Has there already been a “get ready to eat” Apple Music playlist created for you when you order this? Why in the good damb hell would I wanna pay $66 for some spinach cousin? For 66 entire dollars, these greens better choose their own sides and cook them too.
For $66, this pot of greens better be able to mediate whatever argument will pop up when everyone else around the table finds out how much it costs.
Also, they’re talmbout “seasoned with just the right amount of spices and bacon.” I’ll be the judge of that. You know some folks don’t season their food. Mmhmm.
Listen here. What buyer at Neiman Marcus said “you know what we should offer to our customers? Greens.” And who was the boss who said “Agreed. That is genius.” If Neiman Marcus is your to-go store, you can probably manage to order some groceries to be delivered to you from a market. Hell, you’re probably play cousins with Whole Food’s buyer. Get your greens from there.
Why would I wanna order some greens at the same place where I go to purchase my Stuart Weitzman boots?
This is some Caucasity at work.
Folks have legit gentrified collard greens to the point where it’s being offered at a luxury store, under “gourmet food.” iSweatergawd if they put Grey Poupon on it, we might need to riot.
Under the same section, you can find a broccoli and cheese casserole and a $95 peppered corned beef. Because Neiman Marcus said “fuck a lane. I’ma drive down the middle of the road.” Bless up. Everything ain’t for everybody and it’s okay to master your merchandise. NEIMAN, YOUR JOB IS TO MAKE ME BUY PRETTY, OVERLY EXPENSIVE THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD BUT I WANNA WEAR ON MY PERSON ANYWAY. OR IN MY HOME. What is this mess?
Chile, everything is foolish and nothing makes sense.
P.S. this reminds me about the time me and my girls were at a conference and this one white woman came up to talk to us and thought she could find common ground with us by saying how much she loves to cook “a collard.” Mmhmm. Read that story of Sh*t One White Girl Said to Luvvie, Chescaleigh, Nicole and Tina at BlogHer.
P.P.S. Trust and believe when I tell you that you NEED to go read the comments for this post on my FB page. I AM CRINE. Read here.
BTW, it’s National Authors Day! Let’s celebrate by you buying my NYTimes best-selling book!