It’s been a month since the world began its’ quick crumble, with the election of Squirrelwig McRacistPants as the next President of the United States. We were all stunned, because WTF HOW THE FUCK WHO THE FUCK. Even though Hillary Clinton secured almost 3 million more votes than Cheeto Satan, the fact that she lost some key swing states lost her the Electoral College votes she needed.
But when numbers came out on who voted for who, we found out that 53% of white women who voted cast their ballot for Lucifer’s understudy, Drumpf. That has everyone facepalming because after all he said during the campaign season to denigrate women, you’d think women would have stood up loudly. Well, Black women did. 94% of us voted for Hillary. Because we SHOW UP and do what’s necessary. We already knew white men would vote for Trump, so that was no surprise. But white women? COMME DES FACKONS.
This election was very instructive, and what we learn here is that our sisters ain’t always our sisters. With that being said, we gotta close ranks. White folks out here hustling backwards.
The Council of Onyx People Everywhere (COPE) would like to announce that there is an indefinite moratorium on Honorary Black Cards. Yes, even your “cool” white friends. We have to have an emergency meeting to figure out how we will move forward, and to start planning the logistics of #BLAXIT. Don’t know what BLAXIT is? Check out: #BLAXIT: More Things We’re Taking With Us If We Leave.
The moratorium is INDEFINITE. At most, what we can give to the proven and vouched for are BLAXIT day passes for now. Dassit. Yes, it has come to this. COPE is working hard to tighten up ship cuz we realize we all we got.
Thank you. – Management
So, I took it to Facebook and you know my folks have no chill.
Ty: “We knew it was you. You broke our hearts. You broke our hearts.” COPE Meeting invoking the Michael Corleone Revelation.
Ebonie: Yep! Please reach out to all non COPE members and retrieve all black cards. Lol.
Shelia: I was so sad yesterday when I found out an ex (whose black) voted for Trump. I’m like damn now we gotta leave you behind to eat unseason chicken and canned soup. Bless him
Kennisha: Nawl, his only soul food shall be Neiman Marcus struggle greens!
Joshua: Luvvie gonna have her cool white followers out here creating fake IDs. #LetMeHoldThatBlackCard
Tina: *trying to figure out how to work a laminator real quick.*
Kennisha: No counterfeit cards, we getting upgraded chip cards that reads your DNA!
Vern: Yup! We keeping those cards in Oprah’s bosom! She alone decides who gets one. None of this “You get a card! and you get a card!” bs tho.
Lenina: Nah, Auntie O might have a “generous” moment. I would suggest Iyanla instead
Rochanda: Iyanla is gonna tell them DO THE WORK if you want your card back!!
A’Driane: Facts. No one is grandfathered in. NO ONE
Scott L.: Lord, I am not prepared for this. ::runs to watch and memorize all the Jenifer Lewis videos before they’re gone::
Nichelle: Scott, I’ll give you a #BlaxitDayPass emblazoned with Wonder Woman’s gold bracelets when necessary.
Koko: We’ll leave you some real greens and some seasoned chicken 😉
Scott: Koko, bless you! 😘
Kim: Damn Scott!!! I hate this for you!!!
Amy: *Hands over card*
*sulks in corner*
Y’ALL BETTER TAKE MY BABIES THOUGH! I’ll miss their bad lil behinds, but I want them safe. 😪 They’re super cute… the middle one’s a little sketchy, though. But that’s probably just because he’s three, and all three year olds are irrational by definition.
Luvvie: Amy, I might could vouch for you for a day pass.
Amy: Luvvie, you still taking the boys, though… I’m leaving them to you and CaShawn to look after when I’m not there!😉
Sophia: I would like to ask for a day pass for Gary Owen… just so we can figure out his stance 🤔
Yanira: Even I might struggle with this. I just saw one go hard on everyone she does business with. She risked coins for the cause. I’m going to miss her. Please inform us when the visas roll out, I would like her to put in her request.
Stephanie: I ain’t vouching for no body. If you need a voucher yo’ ass is suspect.
Anita: *Brown Asian cries, alone again.*
Yanira: In order to be brown, there’s black in there. According to the original negotiations, one drop rules does count. Check your ancestry report.
Anita: *cheers up, ponies up for 23andme*
Phyllis: Hmm… they are going to have to recite our constitution first before we one drop rule them… if they have a few people vouching for them the case might be kinda sorta tilted to their favor
Yanira: I’m mixed. Y’all ain’t leaving the Caribbean behind though. We were just a different boat stop. However, since full blood status overrules my status, I will not be vouching for anyone. I’m not taking the risk. Carry on while I grab my plantains.
Anita: Definitely don’t want to slow Blaxit down!! *gathers stuff, figures out a plan, knows Blaxit will thrive*
Luvvie: You know we love our brown brothers and sisters.
Anita: In my head heart and soul, I know it! But I also know Blaxit has to do what it has to do. It’s like the end of Good Will Hunting, where hero Matt drives off and Ben Affleck is bereft and bumbling around, walking by himself, then smiles. xo
Luvvie: Anita, I’m vouching for you. We gotta get our footing in the Blaxit, and then we can accommodate our Brown brethren and sisthren.
Nyree: Black Card Revoked. Not the game. For real.
Danielle: What if we been had our card?? This only new entrants, Right??
Luvvie: NAWL. Everyone is now under review.
Danielle: Dammit!!! Well, take my babies!! Keep em safe! I’ll find a way to pass that review. I been down since R.Kelly dropped Honey Love! ✊✊✊✊
Adenike: Danielle, Honey…invoking R.Kelly damn sure aint the way to try get your card back
Danielle: Just trying to give a date range. Since Bell Biv Devoe. Since A Different World debuted. Since Jodeci was hot.
Reasons why I should: I’m allowed to bring the potato salad. And or Mac N chz. I smoke Newports. I know all the words to Mia X’s verse in Freak Hoes. And most importantly, I have three gorgeous black children that I am raising to be strong, smart, kind, knowledgeable African Americans wholly prepared for this racist ass world. Kids that don’t think they are different or special just because they are “mixed”. Kids that know me being white won’t save their brown skinned asses from the fucked up racists of this world.
Adenike: Danielle, Well damn since you put it that way…
Sherlyn: Danielle we luv u like a play cuzin…
I’ll baby sit the kids til we can get u in! Standby, imma see what I can do 😉
Wendi: Is there an article in the covenant pertaining to reviewing honorary card status on a “as released” basis, wherein , “as released” is when, upon reviewing our own skin folk who failed qualifications based on their voting or views, they are “released” from the Council, and then we can consider filling that space with honorary card members? You know, like when you go to the club and the bouncer lets you in when they’ve let someone out? IJS.
Phyllis: Oh those are definitely getting left behind. We can’t have people drilling holes in the ship from inside. If we let go of Omarosa, Stacey Dash, Lil’ Wayne and Wendy Williams from talking out the sides of their next you know hell sure and damn well we are leaving these cretin behind. I mean how dare they? They must be high on the unseasoned chicken.
Cindy: I respect your moratorium. Please know that I WILL stand guard at the door so you can safely gather and plan.
Shana: This …Much appreciated Cindy!!
Cindy: frankly, if black women leave, we are all surely doomed.
Carmel: I’ll pick up second guard shift, Cindy.
Sara: Cindy, I will be there with you. It’s the literal fucking least we can do.
Eboney: Perhaps with proper time served in guard duty you all can be first on the review list.
Zuri: I haven’t gave out a Black Card since 2003. That was back in my college days when Cool White Josh (why is his name always Josh?) rolled with us. Then he messed up and committed some infraction that I can’t even remember now and I was like “Gots to be more careful.”
LaToya: I dated Cool White Josh in high school. #facepalms
Zuri: He was so down I changed his name to Jo’quim. By the way, if Prince Harry ever breaks up with his current Brown Sugar, I’m planning to use all my day passes on him.
Pam: *sigh* The delegation from the horrifyingly-Trump-voting region of West-Central PA sadly acknowledges the moratorium on #BLAXIT invitations and offers a memorandum of understanding and apology for having been unable to avert the disaster of 8NOV16. The delegate wishes the Council well in their planning and execution of the BLAXIT initiative and is sorely tempted to try to organize a #NORMALHUMANBEINGEXIT, but upon further reflection feels that the best way forward is to just dig in and try to fix this COLOSSAL FUCKING MESS…
…the delegate also apologizes for her French and begs the Council’s indulgence at this trying time in our nation’s history.
E.K.: Fair. You don’t mind if I stand here with my face pressed against the glass though, do you? I promise I won’t breathe on it.
Nora: I’ll be next to her, writing I love you backwards in my condensed breath.
Jennifer: yes with sad crying please come back soon hearts
Kennisha: Listen, I don’t know what district you will be assigned to but likely by the time you serve as tribute and survive the Trump Games we will have made a decision on the day passes. May the odds be ever in your favor!
Sherrice: we need a plan. How do we gather up all of our tech? When do we start removing our language from their lexicon?? Since we calculated the trajectory to get to the moon, do we take the rockets, or just the calculations??
Anita: I’m standing here outside the door yelling “Just take the calculations!!!” Don’t be weighted down by inferior existing rockets. You’ll be able to build your own, better ones.
Courtney: I hope we taking all the planes and leaving them with Spirit.
Elizabeth: More than justified. Understood. Offering ❤️💪🏽 from whatever distance you want while I get my ass to work on this nonsensical side of things.
Brawlsy: If I find out somebody gave out the access code, that person will be called before the Council of Ancestral Disdain.
Joy: And this is their logo. LOL
Sherrie: Are we revoking already approved cards? Or just putting a hold on pending cards and the release of new ones?
Aba: Alll of ’em until we can cross verify what went down in the booth. So since that’s near impossible we cancelling alll memberships. Lol
Sherrie: Understood. I will set up a return booth in my neighborhood forthwith!
Porsha: Day passes gotta end at sundown. We can’t have y’all showing out drunk at night.
Lisa: Very strategic planning is involved but we gotta get cracking on this like yesterday. Time is of the essence. I am not vouching for anyone. I vouch for someone and they mess up and get my seat snatched leaving me here with unseasoned chicken and thug tears…I think NOT!
Camille: Will day passes allow holders to stock up on the butters on the way out? Will there be a duty free shop or will there be a 35% tax?
Chris: Those not allowed to Blaxit will not be able to come on over to he SOBs (South of the Borders). I don’t care if you speak Spanish better than me or can cook a mean mole. No.
Nene: And any eligible onyx person who decided to sit this election out or who voted 3rd party or wrote in someone else cannot come with us. And I mean not even Blaxit day passes. 😑
Brent: I totally understand, I do. The LGBTQ community needs to do the same. What do y’all think we should call it? QUEERPARTURE? FAGXIT? GETOUTTHEGAY?
Kristen: Noooo. Not the gays!! Between Blaxit and Fagxit what am I left with?? Yanni and kale?
Naomi: What about Black LGBTQ people?
Sherrice: We taking our queer folks with us. *grabbing folks and pulling them like we choosing a kickball team*
Sue: Fine. I’ll be over here wearing my mom jeans and fanny pack, singing REO Speedwagon songs and eating a kale salad. Call me, maybe?
Elan: I’ll be cheering from the sidelines and side eyeing the other white ladies.
Colleen: My kids are black sooooo Imma need to fill out some paperwork. I’ll be sitting silent at the committee meetings with wine and my yoga pants.
Koko: Should we sell church dinners to finance the trip? Shiiiid, they paying $66 for struggle greens……
Elizabeth: Let’s save money and price up Patti pies
Michell: Being biracial I understand I may get half a card or a card with special privileges like a DUI license with something blasted across my face. May I suggest a special undercover agents commission? I will gladly stun gun anyone for the cause
Tishika: Its business AND personal…
Krys: We gotta set up day passes like the NMAAHC
Sherrice: LMAO! And then be like, “We’re sorry, day tickets to New Black Land are sold out until December 2020. If you have questions or need more information, please contact us.”
Karra: If you weren’t born with a Black Card™ and weren’t given one prior to Election Day, your application has been put on hold and will probably be denied. Thanks for playing. Also, if you are a Kardashian or Kardashian adjacent, that’s not a real Black Card™. Your momma just printed that up in her basement.
LaShonda: Also all cookout invites are suspended for now.
Jessica: Where does Joe Biden fall on the list for a day pass?
Joy: He already has a card tho, right? So he’s grandfathered in? I’m sure Barack and Michelle are going to have him and the wife as “plus ones”.
Aliguma: His offer to fight Trump grants him a day pass for real.
Katie: I knew this day would come…I’m fucked!!! My Honorary Black card has been consistently renewed for the past 15 years or so (and not in some sort of self-appointed Rachel Dolezal way, for clarity) but lately I’ve been expressing my growing concern to my creditors that my time was running out. And for good reason because we (white people) are by and large, the absolute worst!! It’s raining on my face!! Do these still count as white tears? And I know I can’t even ask for an exception because, well, THAT would be Peak Caucasity!! *slides down wall*
Annette: We will send you a copy of Ntozake Shange collected works and think about it.
Natasha: I might slide you in as my mixed “cousin”. You seem to be worth the risk. You woke like a newborn after espresso laced breast milk. 😳 Katie I got you. But we gonna have to call you Keisha or something. Katie just might not cut it. She kinda seem like a snitch so. Keisha meet us at the port!!! 😉
Katie: Call me anything!
Jen: I donated to Hillary’s campaign. Does that help my chances? If not, I understand but please know, I plan to reapply in four years. By then, some of the old white folk from the Cheeto party will have passed to Glory, shocked that a brown Jesus met them at the gate.
Monique: When are we going? My husband is not staying behind and he started packing on Tuesday. I realize he gets in on the family ticket, but I need to make sure. He asks me every day if you’ve announced our departure yet.
Coko: Welp…. lemme pack up this cocoa butter, collard greens & Lawry’s seasoned salt. Get ready to be dry af, eating Kale & bland chicken! We’ll fax yall over a recipe for sweet potato pie, but thats it. We out!! ✌ #Blaxit2016
Eve: Where is the meeting going to be held. OH! That’s right. We don’t want them to know. Y’all inbox me. I promise not to wear my kitten heels to the meeting.
Joy: I can’t even be mad. White people fucked up so bigly.
Anthony: I’m singing Lift Every Voice and Sing (as a solo, in Ab, its original key) at the meeting. I play piano, but would prefer not to play. Who can play the Hammond B3 AND read sheet music? Only holla at me if you can show up to rehearsal and be on time at the emergency meeting. Ain’t nobody got time for musicians who can’t act right.
India: Matter of fact…we just need to hand out tickets for #BLAXIT again. I realized that some of our melaninated brethren cast their vote for The Cheeto. We have to look at their tickets under the black light. If its got Cheeto dust on it, cut it up in their face like a credit card!!!
Theresa: Have we revoked Omarosa’s card yet? 😡
Lynn: She’s banned.
Carrie: 😞 don’t leave us with him. What about visitation?
Lynn: We’ll send postcards.
Laura: Wise. If you are accepting care packages, I make a mean Snickerdoodle.
Word. Glad folks know where we now are. Tell a friend to tell a friend. Everything is now under review.