Dear Chrisette Michele, So You’re Performing at the Inauguration
I know many of you saw this headline and wondered who Chrisette Michele is. She’s an R&B singer and I don’t blame you for not knowing who she is. In the celebrity totem pole, she’s nowhere near the top. It’s not your fault.
But you might have seen her name trending in the last 2 days on social media. That’s because it was announced that she is performing at Dreamsicle Demon’s inauguration festivities. As a Black woman, Chrisette is more than hustling backwards, so I’m writing her this sternly-worded letter because I need her to know she needs to do better. Because right now, what I don’t have time for is ANYBODY who will put any type of stamp of approval on Habanero Hitler and his assemblage of abhorrent asshats he calls an administration. (read: A Handy Guide to Disrespecting Cheeto Satan)
Dear Chrisette Michele,
Sis, what are you doing?
Seriously. It’s like you don’t wanna win. You’ve been on team bad decisions for a while but I’ve just sat back and watched because I was rooting for you. You’re a talented singer but you don’t seem to know whether you’re going or coming.
A few years back, you decided to start teaching social media classes, and I scratched my head wondering why you were so out of your lane, you were on the shoulder of the road. You don’t see ME tryna teach folks how to hit high notes. Then you are attempting to become a blogger with a website called RichHipster.biz. I even tried not laugh about the fact that you were serious about a site that uses the .biz extension, as if .co was busy. The way my domain bougie is set up, I wanted to pull you to the side and tell you to stahp it but I don’t know you. We ain’t brunched together yet.
One thing I felt from afar is your restlessness. You don’t know who you are and you aren’t driven by defined core values. Why? Cuz you just do whatever makes you money, even if it makes no sense in the long run. Plus, you never look the same twice. And not in the Lady Gaga “switch up my look all the time because I’m eclectic way.” But in that “I’m gonna try out EVERYTHING because I need to figure out what works but it’s been 10 years and I still haven’t figured it out” way.
It pays to know who you are.
Which is why I was not shocked when it dropped that you’d be singing at the inauguration of Candy Corn Kremlin. Everyone who was asked, and had sense, said no. They said no to being a part of the court jesters trotted out to celebrate the crowning of the emperor with no clothes. Folks declined to participate in the praise party of the pilfering potentate. Not you, though. You said yes. You accepted the chance to be a clown in the crook circus. BHET WHY. Madame, whyyyyyy? Because nothing told you that this was not for you.
And then you hid the fact cuz you knew you were flagrant for it. You knew you were being Benedict Arnold AF. You knew you were being bottom barrel. So you let the rumor fly without confirming for a whole day. You knew we’d come for your edges like we did for Jennifer Holliday until she canceled. Maybe you spent the last day applying Jamaican black Castor oil.
What are you doing, Chrisette?? You are a Black woman, which puts you firmly in the demographic of people that Orange Mugabe gives NO DAMBS about. If you were on fire, he wouldn’t only NOT put you out, he’d make a reality TV show out of watching you burn. When you dropped your albums and they went paper plate and cotton ball (not gold or platinum), the five people who bought them were Black women (and maybe some gays). Those are the people who you want to continue to cultivate.
White folks probably think you’re two people. They don’t know who you are! When you were trending on social, they probably asked “Who is Chrisette and who is Michele?” The people you’ll be performing for at the inauguration won’t buy your shit afterwards so it’s not like you can lie to us that this is to further your career. They aren’t coming to the concerts you have at half empty nightclubs. And they certainly won’t join your fandom or be your evangelists. They ain’t coming to see you, Chris!
How good is the money you’re being paid for this gig? It better be bags of money cuz IF you’re doing this and you’re not even getting paid well, that adds insult to injury. And I hope you get these coins you’re promised. We all know Salmon Voldemort is good for not paying folks their coins. Him and his Net30year agreements. I hope you’re ready to file a PayPal claim when 2017 ends and you still ain’t got your check yet.
You KNEWWWW you weren’t on the right side when you said yes. Because you hid it from us and then this morning, dropped an “open letter” on us.
BRUH!!! You finally say something and it’s a raggedy letter in baby voice cutesy turquoise font. Which makes me really not take you serious. Your letter is an exercise in not knowing when to shut the whole fuck up. Spent all those words not saying a gahtdamb thing. I’m actually impressed how little can be said with so much word count. Talmbout you’re representing us and building a bridge. You don’t represent me and you squalling as clueless Jimmy Bobs and Lula Maes stare at you blank staring is building no bridges.
But what really grinds my gears is that you trot out an MLK quote to justify your foolishness. I am so sick of cowards using Martin as a the Patron Saint of Kumbaya Fuckshit. Having the nerve to talk about silence isn’t fighting. Send out some anti-Donald tweets or something. You hitting notes in a mic at his inauguration is not speaking up. Well it is, but what you’re saying is that you are willing to stand WITH demagogue at a price. That ain’t what Martin would approve.
I could say you’re cancelled and that I won’t be supporting you but seeing as how I already wasn’t one of the 15 people who listened to your music, that wouldn’t make a difference. But you might lose those 7 people who love your music now. I hope it’s worth it. Spike Lee already said he ain’t using your music in the NetFlix series She’s Gotta Have It.
Again, I hope these short term coins you’re getting will make up for the long-term Ls you’re taking for being short-sighted about the long con you’re participating in.
P.S. The Council of Onyx People Everywhere (COPE) had an emergency meeting and we unanimously voted to revoke your #BLAXIT passport. Please drop it off at the Black House no later than 10am ET on January 20. Kthxbai.
Have you bought my debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual. Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.