Yesterday was the biggest night in music: the GRAMMY Awards. The one thing we can count on is a rollercoaster of thrills and disappointments. And many performances that make me take the time to go to the kitchen to re-up on snacks. It was hosted by James Corden of car karaoke fame.
Anywho, I have questions.
* Why has John Travolta gotten so much plastic surgery that he now resembles Mulan? CHISOS. He got on that stage and shocked the hell outta me. He shoulda quit about 5 surgeries ago. I’ve been thinking about it, doe. Did Scientology steal John Travolta’s youth and original face? #LeahReminiTaughtMe
* Did Reba McEntire know that Nick Jonas showed up in one of her jackets? Was she pleased?
* How dudebro can the boys of Twenty One Pilots get? They came out their pants when they won their GRAMMY for *I didn’t care enough to look up the award* and then one of them was rocking Tweety Bird’s fur on his head. And I just know they still go to keggers every weekend.
* Why does Ed Sheeran always look like he just got out the dryer’s spin cycle? He’s adorable.
* Does Ryan Seacrest have more titles than a car dealership? He was announced as being on the Board of the GRAMMYS and all I could think of was how impeccable his grind is. Just unfuckwitable.
* Did Beyoncé not steal your heart?? My goodness. That performance. Yes, the intro ran so long that I wondered if she’d have the twins by the time she got started. But seeing her on that stage, giving Oshun fever and Vishnu tease with angel vibes gave me what I needed. Beyonce was like “you heaux said I wasn’t really pregnant last time. GET INTO MY MATERNAL GLOW.” It was truly the most beautiful she has ever looked. Red Petunia and Purple Hibiscus got her looking like a Goddess.
Lemme pause here to make a quick PSA. I DON’T WANNA SEE ANY THINKPIECES FROM WHITE FOLKS CRITIQUING BEYONCE’S GRAMMYS PERFORMANCE. We don’t wanna hear it, read it, see it. This is the time to use that “shutting the hell up is free” coupon code. It never expires. Shut it up. Her performance was not really giving a fuck about the white gaze, and the entire LEMONADE album didn’t either.
White people gotta get comfortable with the fact that everything ain’t for them, Some things will even exclude them COMPLETELY. That is fine. Deal. And imagine if 90% of the shit that is supposed to represent POPULAR culture excludes you. see: the lives of people of color, LGBTQ people etc. So yeah.
* How much running man will my ovaries do at the sight of Blue Ivy? First of all, her parents decided to dress her as Prince, in this pink tuxedo with ruffled shirt.
And then the adorable little somebody showed up holding an empty purse she was so into all night. She spent those hours playing with her friend, and making the camera melt from the cutes. She was basically the star of the night and they gave her ALL the camera time and I loved it.
* Why did James Corden make all those celebs try to sing Sweet Caroline? None of them knew the song and Jason Derulo looked like he wanted the ground to up and swallow him whole.
* What decade does Bruno Mars live in, and can I follow him back there? It seems fun.
* Why doesn’t Katy Perry curl all the way over for me? I don’t have anything bad to say about her but I’ve never cared about her music. Kudos to her for the RESIST arm cuff, though. And for ending her performance with the Constitution behind her.
* Is Adele the only person who would start a performance back up after she didn’t like the beginning? During her George Michael tribute, Adele surely was like “Nah” and started over. Meanwhile, I’m the church mother in the back who knows Jesus ain’t done with you yet so I encourage you with that one good “TAKE YO TIME.”
* Does Chance the Rapper dress like the 3rd Mario brother on purpose? Mario, Luigi and Chance. He is just so cute, though.
* Who is Lady Gaga this week?
* Why did A Tribe Call Quest rock the stage so hard? They woke everybody up, and I was so here for them.
* Was Busta Rhymes dressed for the Hunger Games? Will he volunteer for tribute? And how many high fives did I want to give him for getting on stage and pointing out President Agent Orange? Did he read my Guide to Disrespecting Cheetolini?
* Did the GRAMMYS realize how dope BET’s Prince tribute was, so they didn’t make a huge effort to top it? Don’t get me wrong. The Time and Bruno Mars did good but Sheila E and Janelle Monae shoulda been on that stage too. It was cool, doe.
* Why was I at home rocking back and forth during Chance’s performance? I ain’t go to church yesterday so I really enjoyed that praise and worship time. Then you add in Tamela Mann’s anointed voice, Kirk Franklin’s holy ghost stomp and the mass choir and it was the proper turn up for Jesus.
Honestly, what I love the most about Chance is that his joy is infectious. From his performances to his wins. He is having a ball, and for an indie artist to be standing on that GRAMMY stage, having won multiple awards, include “Best New Artist?” I am so proud of the dude and so proud he’s a hometown hero. CHITOWN STAND UP!
* Why am I salty that they didn’t give us a GOOD CHANCE to enjoy Cynthia Erivo’s voice? Her duet with John Legend for the “In Memoriam” was too short. LAwd knows that voice is a gift from the Most High.
* Why is there anything but love being shared about the moment Adele and Beyoncé had? When the Album of the Year was announced, and it wasn’t LEMONADE, there was a collective disappointment, because people felt moved in ways unseen before by that visual album. However, I couldn’t be too mad at Adele’s 25 for winning, though, cuz I loved that album too.
Adele then got on stage and gave the most gracious speech I’ve ever heard at the GRAMMYs, and in it, she basically said that the award belonged to Bey.
“I can’t possibly accept this award. And I’m very humbled and I’m very grateful and gracious. But my artist of my life is Beyoncé. And this album to me, the “Lemonade” album, is just so monumental. Beyoncé, it’s so monumental. And so well thought out, and so beautiful and soul-baring and we all got to see another side to you that you don’t always let us see. And we appreciate that. And all us artists here adore you. You are our light.
And the way that you make me and my friends feel, the way you make my Black friends feel, is empowering. And you make them stand up for themselves. And I love you. I always have and I always will.”
People are currently pissed at the line about how the album made her Black friends feel, and I am blown at that backlash. It makes no sense to me. I don’t find anything wrong with Adele calling out what LEMONADE meant to her Black friends. Bey made that for US and she knows that. LEMONADE was a love letter to Black women and that white woman recognizes it and can acknowledge that it had layers of meaning for those in her life who look like Bey. How much love could one woman show the other?? The only thing Adele didn’t do was walk off the stage and hand the award to Beyoncé. And funny enough, when she went backstage, she broke a piece of her GRAMMY so she could hand it to Beyoncé.
WHAT MORE DO PEOPLE WANT?
My REAL question is:
* When are we gonna get a Beyonce-Adele duet? Is Diane Warren busy? Can she whip up one of her epic ballads for the ages for these two so I can cry in advance? K thanks.
Anywho, I’m tired. GRAMMYs was cool. People need a nap.