I was gonna have this post be one word: “DON’T.” But I’m trying to change my peak petty ways in 2017. LMAOOO. No, I’m not. Lemme not even tell that lie.
Look, I love(d) Lauryn Hill and all her gifts but she is perpetually flagrant and people still hold out hope that the concert they happened to get tickets for will be the one where she transforms from the tardy caterpillar to the punctual butterfly. That’s not how this works, though. I know this because *I* am a functioning latecomer. I can’t be on time for SHIT, the way my Nigerian DNA is set up. I’m like 15 minutes late to stuff (my BFF is reading this and saying “bullshit.” But whatever. She don’t know me when she does). TWO HOURS? Bruh. Commes des fackons. It’s like no one put it on her Google Calendar.
So for the fifty-eleventh time, fans who went to a Lauryn show are taking to social media to complain about how late she was showing up. Apparently, she didn’t take the stage in Pittsburgh til 2 hours after her publicized time. I was like “She was only 2 hours late? Shit, for her, that’s 3 hours early.”
And then I threw my head back and laughed, because there are still people in the world who expect Lauryn Noelle Hill to be on time. Join me and let’s laugh about this together.
Bless people’s hearts. There are some true idealists in this world. We need them to balance us all out. We also need some of them to stop trying to fit a square peg in a circle. L-Boogie is a square, and the circle is the ability to do anything on time.
Being the humanitarian and teacher that I am, I want to help folks out. I want to keep one more person from being disappointed, by creating a guide to going to a Lauryn Hill concert. I am an expert at this topic, as I have gone to a total of ONE concert of hers, and it was in September 2016.
See what had happened was I got free tickets to her concert that she was having at the Ravinia in September. Me and bae and friends decided to make a picnic out of it, because why not? Lowkey, the way my petty is setup, I went so I could have a story to tell. I went to see HOW late she’d be, and to live-tweet it all. Which, I did. And our girl was two full hours late, taking the stage at 9:29pm, instead of 7:30pm.
I was really proud of her, as I was fully expecting to spend the night on that lawn waiting for her. Again, I am a saint, so I share my lessons with you:
A Comprehensive Guide to Going to a Lauryn Hill Concert
– Don’t spend money. Win a raffle, sweepstakes, game of Spades. Something. But don’t go shelling out your hard-earned money for a Lauryn Hill concert experience. You will be ascend 5 levels of pissitivity, because you know what you can spend that $43.32 on? An all-you can eat buffet. Six Flags Great America. Some jeans from the GAP. Half a year of NetFlix. Something. Anything but tickets. Get them for the free.
So you get this free ticket. You must show up to the concert ready.
– Pack extra clothes. She might not get onstage for a couple of days and you wanna stay fresh. For the chance you’ll get to Instagram a picture of your faraway selfie of you and the stage and the tiny dot in the middle who you think is Lauryn. Plus, after three days of wearing the same thing, you might smell like unfulfilled potential. You need this change of clothes.
Also, in case you ever need ALPHET inspiration, all you need to do is look at Lauryn Hill’s stage clothes. You can put together at least 10 ensembles from casual to dressy with whatever she shows up wearing. Our girl is prone to rocking every piece in her wardrobe at once now. It’s really smart too because it means she packs light luggage. You will walk away from the concert inspired to pull out some clothes you forgot about.
– Bring a tent. Because if you’re gonna go camping, this is an essential. It gets cool at night.
– Bring a lot of food. You gotta STAY ready so you won’t have to GET ready. Bring non-perishables and canned goods. Those won’t spoil, for the 40 days and 40 nights of waiting. This isn’t Oregon Trail and we don’t need anyone to die of dysentery awaiting Lauryn’s concert to begin.
– Sign up for webinars. Why waste time? You could bring your Rosetta Stones and DuoLingo and learn a new language as you wait. Take an eClass from your favorite online influencer on marketing. 5 days of sitting idly could be spend multitasking in this way.
– Bring your electronics. You need all your phones, your iPads, your laptops. Bring your charger, your portable charger and mophie. Don’t be caught out here with that dreaded 1% battery, really regretting your life’s decisions. STAY. READY.
– Play Miseducation of Lauryn Hill while you wait for her to show up. Why? Because when she does take the stage, you ain’t gon hear your fave jams. You #minuswell listen to them to reminisce properly beforehand because what you will hear once she starts singing are chopped and screwed versions of these songs. So chopped and so screwed that you won’t even recognize some of them.
– Go with people you love. Because the entire point of going needs to be to spend quality time with friends and family. The concert just happens to be the background music. Also, y’all will have ample time to bond, create lifelong memories and possibly start a business. If I’m gonna be somewhere for a week, it needs to be with the ones I care about. I had a good time at our picnic, where Lauryn provided soundtrack for 15 minutes before we had to get up to catch the last train that was going back into the city. Good times.
Winter came on Game of Thrones faster than the time it takes Lauryn to get onstage at her concerts. But at this point, I don’t wanna hear anyone complain about Lauryn Hill in concert. Mother Maya Angelou said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Lauryn has showed us who she is but folks don’t wanna believe her.
The last huge backlash she got about being late made her take to Facebook to write a tome of excuses. Talmbout her energy needs to be “aligned” with time. It is not her fault that she can’t align herself with punctuality.
But for real. We can only give “Miseducation” passes for so long. It’s been 18 years since it came out. Kids born the year it was released are now in college. I’ll be rooting for Miss Hill, from afar, and not in live concerts. Maybe she gon do better. Or not.
To be honest, I blame Rohan Marley for all of this. Because: Island Peen can ruin lives. We gon sing a Redemption Song for our girl, Lauryn.
“Yo you going to that Lauryn Hill concert tonight?”
Lauryn Hill: “nah you?”
— pj (@pjhoody) February 1, 2017
Have you bought my debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual. Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.