In these times, we must find joy in the most unlikely places. Because half the time I’m just praying for the beast with no neck that the book of Revelations promised us to come down and end the misery of Donald Trump the Shitstain of Life running this place.
In the last 2 days, I’ve been finding joy in Melania Trump’s lack of give a fuck when it comes to Cheeto Satan. First, let me state that I’m not here for her ass. Melania is no hero and she might have signed up for some cash from some tale as old as time dude with squirrel wig hair and orange skin, but she got stuck with the Toddler in Chief of the United States and now she’s in a cage. The woman gets zero props there. She’s a user who ended up getting used herself. Part of me is like “is this her karmic punishment?” Possibly.
Now, she is not being that shy about showing that she can’t stand the ground that Habanero Hitler walks on. The woman looks disgusted every time she has to be in his presence. She knows he has no soul and he’s probably sucked all of hers out so now she’s left to recoil at his presence and all we can do is look on and high five the version of her who doesn’t make us wince.
On this international trip that Tangerine Voldemort is on, he clearly had to bring Melania. So she climbed down from the Trump Tower and accompanied him. She’s just there so she doesn’t get fined. Apparently her agreement did not include having to make contact with the walking Satan’s taint she’s (forcibly) married to, because she is not even tryna do it. #1 on list of things she ain’t finna do: this hand holding shit.
First yesterday when they were In Israel. She slapped his hand away and kept walking smoothly.
YOOOOO she was not having it. Didn’t break stride as she slapped his hand away like it attempted to burn her. Whew. This is its own burn.
Then today, as they deplaned Air Force One in Rome. Once again, she Dikembe Mutombo’ed (blocked) Madking Littlehand’s units. Please watch this beautiful moment.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA I’ve been watching this on loop for hours. She’s outchea playing table tennis with his hands. Straight NAWL. He tried to recover by grabbing her ass because he’s that much of an intergalactic imbecile but the damage was done to his fragile ego. The epic CURVE had happened. Plus, not only is Melania dressed like she’s going to a funeral (cuz she’s mourning her own freedom?), she got on these hater blocker shades because y’all ain’t gon look into her eyes, full of despair. I almost feel sorry for her. But almost doesn’t count. #BrandyTaughtMe.
Now we all sit around and laugh. To keep from crying. Because the President of the United States is an immature, pompous jackass with the temperament of a newborn with colic. And the entire world knows it. It’s like when your Prom King flunked out of school but only reason he is allowed to stay on campus is because his daddy bought the basketball team’s uniforms. And every other high school remembers when he got drunk during the homecoming game and peed in the middle of the field. It’s all so embarrassing.
Meanwhile, the emerging Prince of Petty, Pete Souza (official White House photographer for the Obama Administration) was sure to show the alternate universe we just left for this hell hole.
You know, one where the POTUS and FLOTUS actually loved each other and didn’t do a Matrix move to avoid physical contact. Good times. I MISS THEM SO MUCH IT HURTS!!!
The moral of this story is: maybe don’t marry the magnate who can’t read and threatens women with sexual assault. So when the idiot runs for President as a joke and somehow wins because there are 60 million other idiots out there, you won’t be trapped in a prison of your own doing. Also, run them divorce papers faster next time. So then you won’t have to be out here with the blocking skills of an NBA legend to live in semi-peace.
Have you bought my debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual. Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.