The NATO G7 Summit Group Texts We Won’t Get To See

In how many countries and at how many occasions can the Fanta Fascist thoroughly embarrass himself and therefore us American citizens? Because, so far this week we have at least 4. The NATO G7 Summit began yesterday and the idiot with our nuclear codes showed up and showed out in the worst ways from start to finish. Acting a complete donkey ass mess.

NATO G7 Leaders

Now we gotta write our Pen Pals across the world long apology letters because that imbecile does not have any act right.

So I got to thinking. I bet there’s a WhatsApp group text with all the leaders of the NATO G7 Summit, and they didn’t invite Mango Mussolini because they can’t stand his ass and they just wanna talk mad shit about him so they can get through these meetings.

WhatsApp Group Name: Squadding Up NATO Style

Italy: These meetings are draggingggg. Why does America keep talking?

Japan: Because he likes hearing his own voice?

Germany: Did you see when he shoved Montenegro out the way?

Trump push nato

Canada: Yeah, I saw it. It was… interesting.

Italy: Yo, I totally saw that. WTF was that?

Japan: Some bullshit, that’s what.

France: Is this how he acts all the time?

Germany: Like a giant, soft dick? Yes.

United Kingdom: Maybe he was just trying to do a friendly pat on the back?

Japan: HAHAHAHANO.

Italy: What I REALLY didn’t like was how he tried to lecture us about not paying our dues.

Germany: Don’t act like you’re Sallie Mae and we haven’t paid our student loans in a long time! Disrespectful.

America 44: Hey you guys. I thought I removed myself from this group text in January.

Canada: Yeah, I re-added you. I miss you, bro.

America 44: Aawww miss you too. See you this summer though. We’re totally doing the jetskis thing.

Canada: Absolutely. Cannot wait!

America 44: Wait. Did you all not add America 45 in here?

Germany: Hell no we did not. He can’t sit with us.

cant sit with us

America 44: *cackles* Y’all are the pettiest!

European Union: We regret nothing.

Italy: HEY AMERICA 44!!! How are you? Whatcha been up to?

America 44: Great! Writing this book. Getting this luxurious tan. Not giving a fuck.

Japan: I see you’re doing all this vacay. We’re waiting on you so we can show you a good time!

America 44: Soon, Japan! You know I love it there. I might bring the girls too.

UK: HEY BRO! Good to hear from you.

Germany: Please send Michelle our regards!

America 44: I will! Bye, folks! *leaves group*

France: Good guy! I would have loved to work with him.

Japan: Yeah, the douchebro in his place is the worst. I saw him have a handshake battle with you, France.

France: IT WAS SO WEIRD. What is up with him? Also, why are his hands so little and sweaty?

NATO WTF faces

Resting WTF is Wrong with this Guy Faces.

Germany: Because he can’t HANDle us. BADUMTSS. I’M HERE ALL NIGHT FOLKS.

UK: LMAOOO. I hate that I’m laughing.

*Trump interrupts them in real life*

America: So whatcha all doing after the Summit?

Canada: Ummm… I’m washing my hair. That’s all.

France: Yeah… I told my wife we’d have long distance game night. We’re playing solitaire at the same time, across countries.

Japan: Well… I’ll be tucking my kids in over Skype.

Italy: You know, Dear White People is on NetFlix now and I haven’t watched it yet.

European Union: I… I’m gonna go work on a Teleplay I started a few months ago. On BREXIT.

Germany: *looks Trump dead in the eyes* I’m going out.

*Back in the WhatsApp text*

whatsapp-motion

Canada: GERMANY YOU BETTER NOT TELL HIM WHAT WE’RE UP TO TONIGHT

Germany: I’m not. Fuck that guy. I dare him to ask me where I’m going, after he called us evil.

*Real time*

America: So UK, you and me take on the town?

UK: *looks down* I have to send my accountant my tax documents so she can file them. I’ll be working on that tonight.

*Back in the WhatsApp text*

Japan: Nice one, UK. I was worried about you for a second. Remember the first rule of Fight Club. We do not talk about fight club! Or the NATO afterparties we’re going to. Not in front of America.

UK: I feel kinda bad lying to him like this.

European Union: You’ll be fine.

Italy: Cool. So let’s meet at 7pm behind the Conference Center.

France: I can’t wait to get out this suit!

Canada: Look. Wear comfortable shoes you can dance in. NO ONE IS SITTING DOWN TONIGHT.

Germany: Ready. P.S. Fuck this guy.

Japan: Tonight will be fun!

Germany: BTW, there will be a bouncer at the door just in case he somehow finds out. They’ve been given one instruction: If you see a tall Oompa Loompa, do not let him in.

Italy: Perfect.

*Elsewhere later that day* 

America: NOBODY WANTS TO PLAY WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEE

trump golf fail

Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Liz May 26, 2017, 11:38 am

    I’m here for all of Japan’s replies, LMBO!!!

  • Monica May 26, 2017, 11:39 am

    Epic, just epic 🤣🤣🤣🤣👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

  • Jenny Burden May 26, 2017, 11:39 am

    Germany: *looks Trump dead in the eyes* I’m going out.

    LMAOOOOOO

  • Sandra May 26, 2017, 11:43 am

    Yo! I can’t stand you lol. I totally forgot for a second that this was not screenshot and sent to you!

  • Michele May 26, 2017, 11:44 am

    The cameo appearance from Barack knocked me the hell out, because you know he probably gave them all his private cell number at some point to offer advice or to let them vent about Twitler.

  • Renee May 26, 2017, 11:45 am

    France: Is this how he acts all the time?
    Germany: Like a giant, soft dick? Yes.

    The image of THATALONE… I knocked my water bottle off the desk for that…

    I’m here for the foolishness that is 45.

  • S.P. May 26, 2017, 11:59 am

    I’m all the in with this level of pettiness!!! When my president, Barack Obama, showed up in the group text, I hollered.

  • Dee L. Collins May 26, 2017, 12:01 pm

    I have straight choked and hollered. You are bestes!!!

  • AJBIllings May 26, 2017, 12:02 pm

    If you see a tall Oompa Loompa, do not let him in. – *dead*

  • Michelle May 26, 2017, 12:09 pm

    I died that America 44 was added to the chat! 😂😂😂

  • Julia May 26, 2017, 12:12 pm

    Germany is deadass how Angela Merkel would respond. Like, just TRY me, 45, I’m done explaining basic shit that you ougha know to you. Just get out.

    • Toya May 26, 2017, 1:03 pm

      I was so reading the replies seeing her face. I’m sure she may have said some of the same things under her breath.

  • Theresa Heintz May 26, 2017, 12:19 pm

    The U.K.’s comment about their taxes was Yeti petty!

    • TxBirdy May 28, 2017, 8:28 pm

      Yes ma’am.

    • Silk! June 1, 2017, 10:49 pm

      I just realized that ALL their replies were hella petty.

      Except Germany. Just straight and to the point.

  • Carla May 26, 2017, 12:26 pm

    I hate you so much right now! I almost peed myself! Do you hear me? I am have cackled so loud in here.

    • Carla May 26, 2017, 12:27 pm

      I cant even type right cause i am still laughing

  • detroit skater May 26, 2017, 12:38 pm

    this is the best! when 44 chimed in thinking he had removed himself and Canada was like naaa I added you back….lawd i LOL for real….

  • Belinda M. Cunningham May 26, 2017, 12:59 pm

    This. Was. Everything!

    I mean ever-ra-damn-thing!

  • Karen May 26, 2017, 1:01 pm

    I am totally telling myself that this is an actual transcript.

  • Lorna G. May 26, 2017, 1:38 pm

    iCan’t.
    iWon’t.
    iShan’t.
    Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaa haaaaaaaa!!!!
    GIRL, you are crazy as hell and I love you for it!!! WhyForHowCome was I hearing each text in the accent of the person tho!? I can’t stop laughing at this.

    And, this one right here did me in permanently…

    “Italy: HEY AMERICA 44!!! How are you? Whatcha been up to?
    America 44: Great! Writing this book. Getting this luxurious tan. Not giving a f**k.”
    i’m done. #HereLiesMe

  • Drea May 26, 2017, 2:31 pm

    This is HILARIOUS! Luvvie you never disappoint. I needed this laugh. 😂😂

  • Shannyn May 26, 2017, 2:59 pm

    He’s treating this trip like a nine day d!€k measuring contest, and he is losing.

    #HeActsLikeACharmSchoolDropout

  • CookieB May 26, 2017, 4:02 pm

    Shannyn – You are my petty model! “a nine day dick measuring contest, and HE IS LOSING!. I fell off my chair. #ICannotEverAgain #IHaveSerialTears

  • Robyn May 26, 2017, 6:21 pm

    The little sweaty hands.

    I die.

  • notconvincedgranny May 26, 2017, 6:31 pm

    I wish everytime 45 steps into a room everything would fall silent. But he would interpret that as awe instead of awwwwdamn.

    • KDAV June 1, 2017, 9:14 am

      NotConvincedGranny – Thank you for adding to the snickering coming from my cube…I needed each of these tears today… I am officially #DEAD… and if I keep reading I might be officially #FIRED! iCANT even with ya’ll LuvvNation….I needs these coins!!

  • NiceW May 26, 2017, 7:49 pm

    Bwahaha!!!! This gives me so much life!

  • Siima May 26, 2017, 9:37 pm

    When Barack showed up I died!! This is brilliant!

  • Denise May 27, 2017, 11:33 am

    Um. Don’t be surprised if that tight G7 security comes a-knocking because this actually happened and they tryna figure out how YOU got the receipts!! HILARIOUS!!!

  • DNLee May 27, 2017, 1:02 pm

    pure gold

  • Dee May 28, 2017, 6:52 am

    Luvvie, that photo with the beyond pained expressions of the other NATO leaders makes me laugh every time I see it….!

    I can only agree with DNLee….this piece of yours is pure gold!

  • Ruthie May 30, 2017, 8:42 pm

    See I’m all for this convo. I just don’t see Germany and the EU being ok with the UK down in the club too. UK probably gets all the side eyes when she’s not looking.
    Doesn’t stop it from being hilarious. I need more of these.

  • Elena Rego June 2, 2017, 4:56 pm

    Am I the only one that got teary when Canada said to 44, “I miss you, bro.”? I. Am. Not. Over. It!!!!

MENU