This international tour that Cantaloupe Caillou is on will not stop providing moments of memes. It will not stop reminding us that we (well, yall. I know who I voted for) have elected Sunburned Stalin to represent us all on the global stage and it is the biggest mistake ever in life.
Today’s latest is the Trumps’ trip to the Vatican, to meet Pope Francis. This Pontiff, who is historic, for rising through the Catholic church after growing up poor, in the streets of Argentina, had to spend time with Tropicana Mussolini and his Addams Family. This is a Pope who just gave a TED talk on how people in power need to use it to serve the poor (watch it. It’s really good).
The picture taken there speaks 1,000 words. Let’s talk about it.
First of all, the color scheme here is like villains versus angels. It’s just too easy. The Trumps are dressed in all black like omens of death, destruction and famine. Yes, that might be the dress code but the looks on their faces plus their general evilness really creates a narrative of the plague. Meanwhile the Pope is looking like he’s just there so he doesn’t get fined, and so he can report back to Jesus that Satan indeed has mentees on this Earth and he is asking for extra help from some Saint Michael. This vanquishing won’t be easy but it must be done.
Jared Kushner always looks like he ended up in the wrong room and he just wants to back out to not interrupt the meeting. Dude takes the blank stare to levels yet unseen, and the way his douchebro-ness is set up, I feel like he’s always planning his next kegger with his boys in his head.
But to his left, I’m wondering why didn’t anyone tell Ivanka and Melania that the funeral for their souls is NEXT WEEK, not today? Not only are they dressed like they’re in bereavement, in these jet black “TAKE ME NOW NOT HIM” ensembles but the looks on their faces say: GRIEF. Ivanka’s Darth Miss Anne ass also has on some Black veil like she’s the Bride of Frankenstein and right after this meeting, she gotta go say “I DO” to Beezlebub. I. DO. NOT. LIKE. HER. ASS. That woman is Damsel in Distress in the flesh and does not catch enough flack for her role as her father’s pretty prop. Watch her make this a part of her next clothing line.
You already know Melania is in her head hating everything about her life at any given moment (read: Melania Trump is Still Wack But Her Hand Holding Block Game is Strong). The woman’s default look is Resting Regret Face. They both have their heads covered here but the place that this woulda also been appropriate was in Saudi Arabia, a majority Muslim country where women cover their heads with hijabs. But I can’t expect White Privilege Barbie 1 and 2 to do things that make sense and are culturally sensitive.
We then have the nincompoop in chief is standing there, smiling harder than the rabbit when it finally gets some Trix. He is the only person in this picture who is even remotely happy, and that’s because I’m sure he’s standing there with Enya music playing in his head, with his utterly dumb ass. All that empty space in that giant head attached to a giant body with tiny hands. Looking like God made him from spare parts. The ONLY one in this picture who looks like they wouldn’t jump off a cliff if given the chance at any moment.
And we land on the Pope, who looks like he’s thinking “y’all don’t pay me enough for this.” He looks like the joy got sucked out of him the moment he stepped into a room with the Nacho Nazi. This is a man who is committed to loving his neighbor, his enemies and the person who created the Snuggie. And even he isn’t smiling in this picture. HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO MAKE THE POPE RESENT YOU? Be the man who hates everyone who isn’t rich, male and white AF.
I feel like we owe the Pope an apology for that, because who did HE have to Confess to afterwards? Surely, his thoughts couldn’t stay positive when standing next to Orange Foolius. He’s probably like: “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I wanted to choke that man and watch him go from orange to red. I have never felt such rage in my spirit and it took me by surprise. I know you ain’t done with me yet but this was a set back in my spiritual journey. I will do better but please don’t let me have to deal with him again. I am your humble servant but the flesh is weak and that man is stupid. I confess.”
But yeah. The Pope is all of us, y’all. That look on his face. He gets it. He feels it.
Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.