Listen. I’m a fan of Apple products and I have given them A LOT of money over the years. Yesterday was Apple’s annual Worldwide Developer Conference (WWDC) and they announced a new slate of products. You know I was ready to see them offer the same products as last year at slightly higher price. What I wasn’t ready ready for was the price of their new iMac Pro. It’s a computer that is high end and specs are crazy. Yes, it’s for developers and designers and not everyone. HOWSOEVER, that joint starts at $5,000. Apple!
If I’m paying $5,000 for a computer, I need to hear Jesus’ voice and approval anytime I cut it on. “Well done, my child” should be the startup sound. I’ma need a computer that costs $5,000 to be able to kill roaches, make me spaghetti on voice command and diagnose random ailments. A $5,000 computer better be able to turn my house into a home when I climb the stairs and turn the key. Hell. That piece of tin better read my thoughts. Pro ko, pro ni.
Anywho, I brought my thoughts to my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page and here’s what LuvvNation had to say about it.
DeShawn: That mo’fo better come with Siri. A real chick named Siri. Not a hologram, not a robot, a human Caucasian named Siri to be kind, smart and important in my house!
Brittany: Shid, better have a built in printer, fax and scanner, pencil sharpener and fully loaded with a year’s worth of Adobe Creative Cloud. Bih.
Cheryl: I’ll purchase…but only if Apple can guarantee 45’s immediate removal from the White House.
Marlyn: $5000? It better be my assistant, planner of the day. Me: Good morning. What is happening today? MacBook: I have made you breakfast, set out your clothes ready for your approval, coffee is in your travel mug… HOT! I finished all of your notes for this morning’s meeting and the 2pm notes are printing now. Would you like them on scented stationary? *Waiting for response*
Jennifer: For that amount it should come with a build in priest to forgive me of my sins ever time I type an insult and come with built in protection against Russian hackers. Also, probably can only be cleaned by unicorn tears and pixie dust.
Sheena: For $5000 it better come with some Russian connections and make me president.
Annette: For 5k that bitch better be able to solve global warming, fix the kids the 8 meals a day they eat in the summer, plus reorder food every three days and let me win all levels of Toy Blast the first time.
Meredith: $5000?! For that it better be able to fire up a literal Time Machine to transport me back to 1987 – the last time it was okay for a computer to cost that much.
Kim: For that much it better come with The Rock to rub my shoulders while I’m working.
Shai: And the chuuch says “Amen.” If Siri is going to be a part of that $5K, can she get hearing aids or a cochlear implant? She can’t hear or spell for beans.
Laura: I think you broke the Apple site. Just went to look at MacBook Pro, and they’re telling me that they’re updating, so I can’t see the price.
Sharen: Listen…for 5k..it better shrink me like Steve from Blue’s Clues and suck me in so I can walk around inside the iMac like virtual reality…#ImTheNewSiri
Deidre: Ummm, that computer better be prepared to transform into a Terminator and fight on my side when Skynet takes over!
Maureen: Five thousand dollars. That joker better come with a fine-ass IT guy to answer my questions.
Frankie: It should make me every meal for the whole time of ownership since that’s the money it will take to buy it! And still no more USB ports! Smdh! Naw I’m good!
Amanda: Are its keys and monitor lined in gold and dust-resistant? Will it improve your luck? Will it be able to handle all of a digital artist’s programs without lagging or crashing? I want all that on top of Jesus’s seal of approval!
Carole: I’m assuming we’re basically getting Jarvis from Iron Man at that price.
Barbara: And it should dispense excellent coffee and chocolate truffles when I hit ‘enter’.
Debi: $5,000 is a down payment on a house here in Oklahoma. I want that computer to wake me up with praise and worship music, ever day. I want it to give me the numbers to Power ball and Mega millions. I want to be able to locate my exes and drag them by they fades thru black twitter.
Diana: It better pay off my student loans, clean my apartment, feed myself, the hubby and kids and do my bidding for that!
Emmanuelle: I was salty about the $2600 one!! I’m still mad a year later! $5000? Nah let me get the 87 grade one. Because I’m no pro, so neither should my computer be! Hell for $5000 I should have the option to write history papers in 30 minutes or less. Hell I slick better be able to rewrite history!
Sherice: “Starts at” is an indication that it actually costs more than that. That’s a damb car.
Kim: I better be able to put MacBook down to cover half my shift every week.
Michele: Yeah Apple is smoking 🚬 if they think I’m paying $5K, for that amount that iMac Pro better be like a “Genie in a bottle” & grant me all my wishes on demand. Be like “iMac Pro, put $20,000 in my checking account” and boom it’s there.
Amber: For that price it better come with Apple Care for life, including all my Apple products.
Sitara: 5K?!? I need guaranteed entrance through the pearly gates for that price.
Pam: At $5K that box better have an orgasm on demand in it. And not a virtual one, Siri.
Dominique: If it doesn’t do dishes and sexual favors I’m not even interested.
Bethany: Wtf. Is that the Idris Elba Edition?
Joy: This has to be an alternative fact.
H.: 5000? Is God in there?
Apples: It better be able to stand at my work office door to send “not today Satan folks” from my presence.
La’Toya: It better turn water into wine and it better walk on water! No water damage fo’LIFE! 5k? Nah son!
Emily: When is Amazon Echo Dot Jesus upgrade coming?? “Jesus, set a timer for 15 minutes.” “Yes my child, go in peace.”
Crystal: Shiiiid for $5000 it better make ME a Pro. It better come complete with all the necessary degrees/certificates, VC funding, customers and paid invoices magically deposited into my business account.
Tamara: 1. $5k computer better do my laundry, fold the laundry AND put it away.
2. $5k computer better go to work for me when I don’t feel like it.
Angela: For 5k it better improve my NYC living expenses including rent, shovel snow, and make sure I can ride the subway with no signal problems or sick passengers, for life.
Jane: Five thousand US dollars?! That comes with six months rent, right? Airfare? Uber for a year? Groceries? That can’t be just for a computer alone?
Bridgette: $5k??? What?! Apple, who is you talkin’ to like that?! Them’s fightin’ words. Damn all that! Jesus’s voice isn’t enough. For $5k, that MF better come with guaranteed admission to heaven and TSA pre-check for the flight there.
Jason: And it bet not EVER crash. I want an apology from the spirit of Steve Jobs if it does.
Quia: $5k?!?! Um. That’s a 2006 Honda Civic.
Audra: For $5000 Siri better have an definitive answer to those facetious questions I’ve been asking her when I get bored. “Siri, what is love?” “Siri, do you believe in God” “Siri, what if God was one of us?” and,”Siri, what was it really like working for Steve Jobs?”. Finally, she better have a boyfriend (didn’t have one the last time I asked, and acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about), and he needs to be included with her and able to do work around my house on command and have his own tools, for the $5k price tag!
Dana: Dispenses wine or no deal.
Kathi: It had better have the winning lottery tickets for life.
I won’t lie, doe. I’m eye-hustling that new iPad Pro. You know I’m sheep.