When it comes to fashion, people stay doing the most with the absolute least. I stumbled across a photo of this dress being sold online and I have questions.
There is such a thing as “too much fashion.” This is on the other end of the spectrum: not enough. It’s called the “Sequoia Dress Weathercloth” and it retails for 450 American dollars. BHET WHY. I know somebody somewhere paid that price for this too. Because people are ridiculous. Whose frock is this, and why does it cost 450 WHOLE American dollars?? Who is wearing this and what sheep will they be tending to?
I knew LuvvNation would have something to say about this, so I posted the photo on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page.
Luvvie: This is what Kimmy Schmidt wore in the bunker.
Sandra: Designed by reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne.
Allie: Unbreakable. They alive, dammit!
Susan: It’s a miracle!
Jen: Females are strong as hell.
Tina: This must be from the M. Night Shyamalan collection. I have a sudden urge to watch The Village.
Gail: She works craft services on the Handmaid’s Tale set….
Lenora: Lort! It’s preparation for the Handmaiden’s Tale apocalypse. Probably comes with a bonnet and a name tag that starts with “Of..”
Marie: For sister wives & hand maids on their once a month day out of the bunker.
Sarah: Nicki from Big Love just resurrected from HBO afterlife to bankrupt the whole damn polygamous fam again cause she needed this in every color.
Sarah: This will be our required uniform when Pence is Prez.
Lindsay: So for $450, I can lose my right to vote and die from Diptheria. No thanks.
Maggie: You have died from dysentery…whilst dressed in this, your best shit-stained frock.
Shamika: Bitch came over on the Mayflower
Heather: Dearest Jebediah, As the war of Righteous Secession wages on, I comfort myself on these harrowingly lonely nights with my sewing. The oil lantern you begifted me for our anniversary doth provide just enough light to baste the seams late in the eve’…
Morgan: As I read this, I imagined someone writing a letter via candlelight with a quill.
Tina: Somewhere there’s a Rebekah laughing all the way to the bank because hers sell for only $29.95 plus s&h.
Alisa: They think they slick…knowing the Amish can’t use the internet or computers…just biting they whole style. I’m getting a horse drawn carriage and riding out to Amish country and telling.
Heather: Do it, fam. Get me some butter cause fresh churned is rare and life.
Alisa: I already planned the butter and an apple pie because they bake goods are touched by the Gods.
Jen: Right? But look how short it is…rumspringa!
Alisa: Yeah this length might get you shunned….I see some ankle.
Jeff: They appropriating Heidi and dem!
Tiffany: Maybe it’s like TOMS, they give a free frock to the Amish for every frock sold. That’s why they are so expensive!
Katie: I blame Agent Orange. With him out here being all orange & stunting like he runs the country, there’s just no standards anymore.
Courtenay: That Amish couture is always pricey. First, they gotta shear the sheep and spin the thread, make the cloth, then whittle the buttons, dye the whole thing a sad WWII army blanket color, and hand sew it up by candlelight. Did I mention they have to make the candles too? They have to make the candles too. Amish couture: It takes a lotta work to look this plain.
Cheri: I betcha the women over in the Christian Fundamentalist compounds never knew how fashion forward they were…lemme see if i can get in touch with wives #24 & #38 to see what they think about this.
Andrea: Is this the start of a Handmaids Tale? Does it come with a winged-bonnet? Or is that extra? Asking for soon-to-oppressed female population.
Joelyn: What in the Handmaids Tale is this?
Kim: Blessed be!
Bijou: Under his eye!
Erika: Blessed be the Fruit!
Kim: Umph, the bonnet must be sold separately.
Keisha: This screams “My name is Rebekah and I’m Wife #5”
Domo: And have the nerve to charge that much money but only sell 3 sizes.
Anette: Does this dress double as a tablecloth, a comforter and a throw blanket for your couch? Because that’s pretty much the only way it would even be worth a third of thi- wait…did Kanye make this mess? First Homeless chic now Amish Bae couture? This nikka…
J: Who would even wear this tho? Lookin like little house on the prairie? My gramma can make this mess for $20! The pattern and fabric!
Atiya: I think my mom made this for me as a flannel night gown one winter, back in the early 90’s.
Angela: Looks like a reject from the Little House on the Prairie wardrobe closet.
Alexandra: You too can look chic while shunning your sister who left the church during rumspringa.
Yulanda: Pack the wagon Mary Elizabeth. Me, you, Sarah, Jane, Esther, Ruth, Rachel, Hannah, Isaac, Abraham, Jacob, Matthew, Hezekiah, Judah going out west. I hear of a place where the water can be seen for miles and miles and miles.
Cynica: You just gonna leave Jedediah to fend for himself in the eastern winter???!! Tsk tsk
Rachel: It’s great if your name is Sarah and you’re plain and tall.
Tina: She just plain.
Erin: All the homeschool mamas are gonna start flocking to your page. Next thing you know your followers are gonna be southern white women with perms.
Emme: With the bangs curled under!
Ambrey: Half under and half backwards in perfect turd rolls.
Desiree: That time they didn’t have Plus size and I didn’t feel righteous indignation. All of you size 2, 4 and 6 can have that traveling out West by way of Wagon Train gear to yourselves. I’m good fam.
Susan: 2, 4 and 6 refers to the number of women who can wear it at one time.
Taymar: Reminds me of the chick that roughed Arya up in Braavos in the House of Faceless Men
Jimmy: Every day a racist monument is left in tact one of these gets its wings. It then in turn goes off to churn butter, and offer a steady supply of fried bologna sandwiches to the Neo-Nazis.. So moral of the story.. Tear down racist monuments and be wreary of anyone you see wearing THIS SHIT. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Heather: DRAPE ALL THE MONUMENTS IN THIS FROCK!! BEAT BACK THE ALT-RIGHT WITH FRUMPY ACCOUTREMENTS!!
Laura: Yikes. Looks like what the Hutterite women in our area wear but they make their own for a whole heck of a lot less than this. Theirs look better than this too. They’re trying to look modest and unworldly, not like something from The Village by M. Night Shyamalan.
Heather: What’s the name of this catalog? “I Have Too Much Money and I Fucking Give Up on Life”?
Elle: No love for the big girls with this alternative universe uniform either.
Leslie: The thins can hab it.
Lillian: All I need is 10 yards of blah material and buttons the color of cat poo, and I can sew this for you in a day. And for a whole lot less! I mean $50 at Joann’s with my coupon, and an afternoon of making you look like Marilla hated on your puffed sleeves. You’ll rock it, like it’s 1877.
Jay: Because some fashion designer read somewhere about how some women can make a Hefty bag look good and thought, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.”
Vicki: Does it come with a butter churner and a multitude of offspring? #WhatintheDamnHell
Shontae: I will churn you the meanest batch of butter ever in that frock of oppression. Does it come in any other color than dead fall leaves?
Janese: Organic, hand spun, hand dyed wool from virgin lambs, created especially for you by Amish crafts-women. Each one a work of individual art. Lol!
Bridgette: That’s from Laura Ingalls’ Fall collection. You can churn butter, practice Fundamentalism, and tend the prairie in this joint! Do the one-room schoolhouse boots come with it? ‘Cause if so…
Donna: Antiques from the 1600’s are always expensive. I think Hester Prynne wore this one. Would probably be worth more if the red letter was still attached.
Lauren: What in the Salem Witch Trials Hell is this?!!! Gather your industry and tell them it’s a resounding neauxp!!
LaWanda: That “weathercloth” better come fresh off a puritan’s ass for $450 AND it better come with the apron, them white shoulder patches and flyaway flip bonnet.
Tisha: Chile, what Amish, FLDS, Latter Day Saints, child bride, sister wives type of shit is this?! These bitches thirsty AF if they think somebody spending Beyoncé concert ticket money on this here bulls***!
Jennifer: Having a hard time figuring out those girls dress codes at your daughter’s school? Here’s your answer! Guaranteed to pass even the strictest of dress codes (when paired with wool tights and closed toe shoes). No collar bones, shoulders, knees or any other sexually suggestive body parts to distract the boys here…but much more comfortable than a sheet with eye holes! Creatures of Comfort…bringing the 1800’s to a school near you!
Renee: This is a dress code violation punishment outfit. And it doubles as another form of birth control.
Taconya: Wow!!! Just wow! That’s sadness in fabric form.
Sheila: Clearly, y’all weren’t there for Amish fashion week last year when this hit the runway (Fall line, happened after Isaiah Yoder’s barn raising). Sarah Yoder (no relation to Isaiah) was the designer. She was heard saying ‘Split pea soup green is the new black.’
Jodiann: Sister wives couture…..Salem witch fire sale….The churning with my homegirls collection….make America Puritan again…Real Housewives of Plymouth…this is unending fuckery.
Ambrey: Naw. It’s $450 in Confederate dollars, so really quite reasonable. Still, God don’t like ugly. He promises not to judge the homely, though.
K: What in manifest destiny covered wagon gold rush old wild west hell is this?
Bridgette: “For 450 bucks, you too, can look like a victim of Cholera”
Yulanda: What in the little house on the prairie, Scarlett fever, smallpox is this. I can go to Dollar General, get some sheets and knock out about 30 for less than $100
Lois: Is it made out of mithril? Do I get a bonus versus ranged attacks? I refuse to believe anybody would shell out $450 to look like a sister-wife otherwise.
Kristie: I believe it’s Fraulein Maria’s, and it’s all they had at the abbey so we really shouldn’t criticize…
Carlye: If the GOP gets their way and makes birth control cost-prohibitive again, this dress is a much cheaper option in the long run.
Karen: Sure, you wear some feathers and fringe to Coachella erybody screamin’ CULTURAL APPROPRIATION. But apparently it’s ok to be plain and appropriate the AMISH.
Crissy: Can’t I just join a cult and get this for free? Isn’t it like part of the initiation package?
Lydia: Gentrified hipster Amish chic for when Flat Earthers run through an open prairie and fall off the face of the planet while eating those gentrified $60 collard greens from the Neiman Marcus catalog and singing “Bringing in the Sheaves.”
Susan: Wow. These are some of the ugliest clothes ever tortured into being.
Donte: Shit, you can go to any area of Amish country in Ohio and get that made for pennies on the dollar. $450 will probably buy you 20 pcs.
Jessica: Not in even in my heaviest of days! Madea wouldn’t even touch that…..and the price,though! No, no, and no again!
Michele: What in the hills are alive with the sounds of music madness is this?!?
Elizabeth: What the FROCK?!
Jessica: This was the dress code for Trump’s Phoenix rally. “We have the best frocks.”
Tira: 450 WHOLE ASS DOLLARS??? What in the Children of The Corn fresh hell is THIS?!!
Carlyle: Jeez, it looks like a poo emoji in human form, except a lot less happy
Linda: This things screams of sister-wives and sexual repression.
Margeaux: I see what they tryna do with these before Emancipation fashions and it ain’t gonna work!!!
Melissa: Whether you’re churning butter, chopping wood, or getting married off at thirteen, this dress has you covered.
Kat: Creatures of Comfort?? No. Creatures of great foolishness if you pay 450 for that…whateverthefuck that is.
Liz: I think you have to wear that frock if you’re joining an off-shoot, Mormon based cult in rural Arizona. It’s just a guess.
Janelle: What in the overpriced Pilgrim, Crucible hell is this?
Michele: Sooo we just gonna act like this designer don’t owe Little House on the Prairie costume designers a whole heap of royalties. WTH??
Christopher: Little House On The Prairie cosplay doesn’t come cheap, y’all.
Naima: Look, me and my mediocre sewing skills could sew this for for 27.99. This is awful.
Sanshika: Looking like no-sex-at-all and years of scratching cause the material is made from wool. Only a fool would shell out $450.
Michelle: From the Duggar collection.
Carmel: God don’t like ugly. #JesusBeASeamstress
Jasmine: Looks very Breaking Amish.
Brook: Cost includes time travel.
Nicole: Care instructions: fire. Lots of fire.
Jennifer: Is “Plantation Chic” a thing now? That’s a hard no from me.
Eriza: This is the chastity collection.
Fe: It just needs some accessories. I recommend a dumpster.
Chinika: Is this from the Mennonite ready to wear line?
Octavia: Something straight out of Gilead.
Deanne: Does it come with small pox?
Natecia: Looking like a scullery maid from the Old Country!!
Megan: Is that Mary Kate or Ashley?
Triston: Pennsylvania Dutch couture?
Indra: They should call this dress the Go Forth and Multiply.
I hate everything. Everyone go home. And don’t wear this.