Dear Maria Sharapova, You Should Release a Song Called Mad and Mediocre

Maria Sharapova is releasing a memoir titled Unstoppable and excerpts of the book came out. She fixes her mouth (and hands) to talk about Serena Williams in the book, and I just need to write her a letter because Maria got life all the way wrong, so she’s earned this sternly-worded letter.

Dear Maria,

I just wanted to congratulate you for winning this month’s “Oh You Tried It” award. Since you haven’t won something in a while, I figure that might bring you joy.

So you went on ahead and accosted us with a whole book written with ink made of white women tears and you forgot to use a self-awareness eraser when you were done. You wrote a losing ass memoir giving excuses about why you keep getting your ass kicked on the tennis court, and blamed Serena Williams for dominating you.

Clearly, you’ve been guzzling from Lake Bittertonka since 2004, which was the last time you were able to win in a match against SERENA THE GOAT (Greatest of All Time). 13 whole years ago was the last time you beat the greatest athlete to ever play tennis, and you’re so butthurt about it that you must have an abscess. She has wiped the floor with you 18 times in a row, even though you were illegally doping to give yourself an advantage. YOU COULDN’T EVEN DRUG YOUR WAY TO VICTORY. That’s so unfortunate. It’s nobody’s fault you ain’t got the range. Nobody but you.

Serena Williams Maria Sharapova

Instead of giving Serena her due and her props, and kissing the ground she walks on, your “can’t even cheat and win” ass wrote a trash piece in your book about the woman who has been constantly reminded you that you have failed. A LOT.

“I think Serena hated me for being the skinny kid who beat her, against all odds, at Wimbledon. I think she hated me for taking something that she believed belonged to her. I think she hated me for seeing her at her lowest moment. But mostly I think she hated me for hearing her cry. She’s never forgiven me for it.

“First of all her physical presence is much stronger and bigger than you realize watching TV. She has thick arms and thick legs and is so intimidating and strong. It’s the whole thing—her presence, her confidence, her personality. Even now, she can make me feel like a little girl.”

No. FIRST of all, your publishers and editors read that shit and no one said “Ma’am, this is stupid. You’re too grown for this. We ain’t printing your Damsel in Distress bullshit.” That’s the first thing I’m mad about. There are gatekeepers for fuckshit that end up being released. I ALWAYS wonder where in the chain someone saw the foolishness and either chose to keep quiet or were overruled by the other fools in the room. Surely, someone read this and went “Hmmmm… I don’t think this should be included.” In that meeting where they tried to pipe up, the other ninnies were all “THIS IS SO GREAT, MARIA.” So they shrugged and said “oh well.”

Ultimately, though, this is on you, Maria. You, in all your Beckery and Caucasity. You hold a deep resentment for a Black woman who dominated a sport that was supposed to be for white folks. You somehow ascribe her success to a loss she suffered at your hands so long ago that nobody remembers. As if somehow losing to you gave her superpowers. NAWL, bish. If anything, Serena lost to your mediocre ass and said “Now I KNOW I need to get my shit together because that shouldn’t have happened.” But you outchea thinking she’s pinned up a picture of you in her locker and she stabs it with push pins before her matches for good luck. I mean, if she does, I’d totally understand and I lowkey wanna do the same before her matches too.

The part in this excerpt that makes me wanna trounce on a Beck is the part describing Serena’s physicality. Thick arms and thick legs?!? This is some racist shit. Everyone can’t look like Olive Oyl, Maria! The part that is wack here is as you describe her as if she’s some sort of giant named Gulliver, you’re 5 FULL inches taller. You make this woman seem like some amazon when she’s 5’9 and YOU are 6’2.

Serena Williams Maria Sharapova 2

LMAO!!! Maria’s face is TIGHT.

This is that thing that white people do, when they describe Black people in ways and words that make us seem Incredible Hulk. This isn’t even dog whistle, because it is blatant.

Out here saying Serena still makes you feel like a kid. YOUR #SELFOFSTEAM PROBLEMS AIN’T HER FUCKING BUSINESS. You overgrown, immature, no accountability having wimp. But Black women are used to having Maria ass white women around them. The girl who was mad you did better than her on the test in class, so she goes to the professor and says you might have cheated on it. The coworker who tries to shut down your ideas in meetings. The one who tells HR she feels like you are too aggressive, and she would like them to have a conversation with you about “tone.” This is par for our course. We are used to having to deal with weak white women who are actually angry that we excel beyond them.

In all of this, what insults me the most, Maria, is that you think you and Serena are actually rivals. BISH, RIVALRY MEANS YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO BEAT SOMEBODY. THIS AIN’T A RIVALRY. THIS IS A ONE-SIDED CONSTANT ASSWHOOPING-SHIP. It’s like when I went to the University of Illinois, and we thought the University of Michigan were our rivals in football. But every time the Illini played the Wolverines, they beat our ass. So our “MUCK FICHIGAN” shirts were met with shrugs from their side.

Maria, maybe if you spent more time practicing and getting your game right, and less time crying these salty Becky tears, you could have been a formidable opponent for Serena. I’m not saying you would have won (you wouldn’t have), but at least she might stretch before her matches with you. Instead, you’re committed to hustling backwards by whining, which is why you ain’t winning.

I just love how white folks make up history. You really called this book “Unstoppable” as if we don’t have your losses on tape. I’m about to call my memoir “All the Ass” since we can just make up random shit about ourselves.

Take up your losing with your coach, and keep Serena Williams’ name out your mouth. Besides, she just had a baby and she’s gonna get ready to whoop your ass with her eyes closed next year. Figure out how many buckets you’ll need to collect your tears then. You, Taylor Swift and Abigail Fisher gotta know that shutting the fuck up is free.

Forever side-eying you,

Luvvie

P.S. By the way, while you’re on your trail of tears, Serena’s home minding her business and getting ready for her wedding and raising the future queen of tennis, unbothered. BLOOP.

Y’all have to read this VerySmartBrothas piece on it. It’s so good I’m mad I didn’t write it.


Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Khira September 10, 2017, 12:24 pm

    Saltier than the Dead Sea. She done cried so much she’s dehydrated. Maybe her thirsty yanch needs to go hustle Gatorade instead of writing these delusions of grandeur she’s holding on to. Bland as Weight Watchers Mac m cheese on the court. Go get ya own spuce and let Serena be great.

    • Melissa Givens September 10, 2017, 12:31 pm

      This.

      • Kay September 16, 2017, 8:34 pm

        Ditto. I was finished after reading that epic post. “Saltier than the Dead Sea”. LOL, i am dooooone.

  • Jazzie-Simone September 10, 2017, 12:39 pm

    “You really called this book “Unstoppable” as if we don’t have your losses on tape.”
    DO YOU HEAR ME HOLLERING Y’ALL xD

    • SAMDiva1999 September 11, 2017, 9:23 pm

      I swear at “All the Ass” I dropped my phone and hollered!!!!

      • Tammy September 12, 2017, 5:38 am

        I’m on the metro and I swear I broke out in that line also😭😭😭

  • A416Bajan September 10, 2017, 12:46 pm

    Preach Sista Luvvie!!! I follow women’s tennis and was appalled with the “let’s kiss and make up” reception Salty Sharapova got.
    She cheated, got a reduced sentence and came back with a let’s just move on attitude. Onwards and Upwards. And the crowd welcomed her back like she was the second coming.
    I wonder if Serena would’ve gotten the same reception after doping. Doubt It!
    Sorry for the rant but this has bothered my spirit all week.

    • Skeptical At Best September 12, 2017, 4:37 pm

      I didn’t even think of the crowd welcoming her back with open arms. I was too wrapped up in her fellow tour members being like “DIS bitch!” Especially when coupled with WTA players falling all over themselves to congratulate Serena on her pregnancy. And everyone knows they’d be trying to erase Serena’s name from trophies and walls if she were caught doping. It would be “Serena who?”

  • Paco September 10, 2017, 1:01 pm

    LOL!!! This NastyGram is the GOAT. ^_^

  • Rochelle September 10, 2017, 1:09 pm

    “Maria who?” was my first thought when I read this. Thanks for reminding me about Tennis Barbie/Becky. Her book should have been called “Stopped.” “Hi: My Name is Marie and I’m Mediocre.” “My Life as Tennis Becky.” Her editors could have gone to the Urban/Black/Multicultural department for a second opinion, but that would have required awareness and thought.

    • Natalie M Graham September 11, 2017, 12:12 am

      “Her book should have been called “Stopped.”” I just woke my husband up with my hollering in these streets!!!

    • Imani Stark September 11, 2017, 9:29 am

      Chile, I am up here at work laughing like Muttley!

      “Stopped”

      SEE…I did it again LOL

  • Mikkimu September 10, 2017, 1:15 pm

    “Beckery and Caucasity”…dead 😂

    • KDAV September 14, 2017, 11:47 am

      Yep, died right beside you!

  • L Williams September 10, 2017, 1:23 pm

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ 👏EVERY 👏 WORD👏

  • Shanice September 10, 2017, 1:25 pm

    “… thick arms and thick legs …” It’s called muscle, trick. Get you some. Wth??

    • Darkrose September 11, 2017, 1:53 am

      Bish had the nerve to say she didn’t think you needed to work out and lift in order to play tennis. Guess that’s what PED’s are for!

      • naomi September 16, 2017, 11:14 am

        I’m looking at maria’s arms though…They’re not small, just untoned like tube socks filled with meat. V V confused as to how she fixed her hands and mouth to say anything.

  • Jimmy September 10, 2017, 1:30 pm

    You dusty heffa. Your win is old enough to be in middle school and it seems you are the onliest clown to still care. Sure Serena was upset, SHE DOES NOT LIKE TO LOSE! Who does? That’s like Adele and Beyonce losing the Grammy to my 4th graders farting on tape. Yes, they would be big mad. But they wouldn’t pout.

    I am so tired of you and other untalented overgrown ugly babies being so bothered when you get your non-existent ass blown off by someone who checks a different box from you on a form. Get over it, get better, and get the fuck outta my face with that bull. Bitch.

  • Camilla September 10, 2017, 1:47 pm

    Luvvie, did you put a stamp on this? I really want her to read this.

  • Sandra September 10, 2017, 1:49 pm

    Serena raising a queen and cashing checks. She ain’t got time for this ish.

  • Diahnne September 10, 2017, 1:58 pm

    In the words of my non-watching-tennis-husband, “why is she shreeking like a dying pterodactyl, no more words needed. Girl bye!!

    • Skeptical At Best September 12, 2017, 4:40 pm

      Good Gawd! I am finished here.

  • Beauty's Daughter September 10, 2017, 4:28 pm

    Luvvie, you outdid yourself here. This is brilliant! I’m in awe of you.

    • CASSANDRA September 10, 2017, 8:06 pm

      Let the church say……..AMEN!!!!!

    • Rain J Taylor September 10, 2017, 9:11 pm

      Luvvie, Maria Sharapova is such a sad little ignorant girl. They reduced her drug suspension from two years to 15 months. I am sure had that been Serena, they would not have allowed her to return to tennis. Remember, the track star Marion Jones? She served time, and they also took her medals. Maria you say ” Unstoppable?” You are a serious racist. How many times has Serena beaten you? You answer that question. You thought you would come back and win the US open. I cannot go any further. Maria, have a seat.

      • TeeTee September 11, 2017, 5:16 am

        Smh well with crybaby Maria, guess they can’t take away any medals she ain’t got! Anything other than #1 don’t mean jack!

  • Belinda September 10, 2017, 4:56 pm

    To me this is so childish. I have been watching tennis for a long time and there are so many female athletes that are more muscular than Serena and I don’t hear Maria talking about them. All I can say that Maria is just jealous of Serena life. Another thing is when you can’t beat them on the tennis court you try to beat them on paper. Maria need to get a life and grow up and stop acting like a three year old.

  • top 10 product September 10, 2017, 5:19 pm

    Superb, what a blog it is! This webpage presents valuable data to us, keep it
    up.

  • Ifeanyi September 10, 2017, 5:39 pm

    Sharapova, why are you still crying and agonizing over the superiority of your rival Serena. You beat Serena a century ago and you still talk about it as if it was only yesterday. Whipping up racial innuendos in your badly edited book cannot change the incontrovertible long rivalry record. My concern is that Serena would still beat you carrying her little baby girl on one arm. Your bloated white ego cannot change what’s on tape.

  • Shay September 10, 2017, 6:35 pm

    “I’m about to call my memoir “All the Ass”

    DEAD

    DOA

    Please remember me to my peoples…..

  • Crystal Burks September 10, 2017, 6:36 pm

    Maria Shreikopova is the most irritating person I have never met. I turn the volume off during her matches to save my ears. To suggest her cheating, drugging self is even in the same category with Serena is ludicris. Quit whining.

  • Yenih September 10, 2017, 6:42 pm

    You’re the GOAT. Loved how you dragged her all the way to senseville♥️♥️♥️🖤🖤🖤

  • Tawn September 10, 2017, 6:46 pm

    Just a few things. 1) Maria who? 2) Maria, repeat after me, “I’m a big ole loser, always have been, always will be.” 3) Have a seat Maria, preferably in the “I did not and could not live up to my potential” section. 4) Those who suck at tennis, like Maria, become fictional writers. 5) Luuvie – I agree with every word!!!!!

  • Hoover September 10, 2017, 7:35 pm

    Such a typical black response!! They can’t take any amount of criticism without a racist, curse-word filled over that top, never-ending rant after which they congratulate each other over for their faux pas brilliance. At least y’all felt good about the vitriolic nonsense of Bubba Luvvie wee wee!! Now go write something intelligent that’s not hate filled..

    • damaris September 10, 2017, 8:21 pm

      But you are here.

    • sherils September 10, 2017, 8:40 pm

      Hoover, shut your damn racist mouth.

    • Ale September 10, 2017, 9:44 pm

      Serena, please? stay away and keep you ugly sister out to, we are tired and fed up with both of you, take a vaca somewhere warm and hot and taking Palm Beach Gardens, we had enough of you two, steroids girly junkies”

      • me3 September 11, 2017, 12:25 pm

        Just a few notes…

        -too*

        -add a period after “fed up with both of you”

        -capital T for take

        -another period after “Beach Gardens”

        -capital W for we

        I don’t know what to do with “steroid girly junkies” though… maybe shove it up your… 🙂

        • Patta September 12, 2017, 7:43 am

          excellent response..lol

    • Karenita1 September 11, 2017, 6:59 am

      Dude you mad eh? 🤣🤣🤣

    • Michele September 11, 2017, 8:54 am

      Bless your heart

    • Lo September 11, 2017, 11:34 am

      Troll visits Black Woman Blogger’s site and comments her blog post is ‘typically black’. That’s just about brilliant! If you’re looking for a less ‘typically Black’ response/perspective, how about you apply some of your own intelligence and go to another blog. Now away with you to the land of typically White responses like yours where you may be satiated more appropriately.

    • me3 September 11, 2017, 12:05 pm

      You should find something better to do with your time. All you’re doing here is vying for 3 spots below Maria and that’s no easy feat.

      She didn’t offer any criticism of Serena in her book. Only hate-filled and misplaced anger.

      I can see why you admire her sorry ass.

    • dawnsie September 11, 2017, 2:32 pm

      Really Hoover, why are you on this site? Your response is so ignorant, I feel sorry for you. Please go away!!

    • Regina Thompson September 18, 2017, 5:17 pm

      Why come though? If you know what goes on here why come here?

  • Claudia September 10, 2017, 8:13 pm

    Hoover I have one question do you think her book should be about Me Williams and not more about her life and decisions she made

  • TA September 10, 2017, 8:16 pm

    This is everything.

    Except for “trail of tears.” “Trail of tears” was not necessary, and I’m not sure how our Native American allies and fam might take that.

    • Lynn September 11, 2017, 8:11 am

      Tone police elsewhere.

      • Vivipie September 12, 2017, 9:13 pm

        That’s not tone policing. That’s saying, hey, maybe this one bit is making a joke out of another group’s suffering and should be reconsidered. Being considerate of intersectionality is not “tone policing.”

  • Petranilla September 10, 2017, 8:40 pm

    NW 72nd Ave
    3401-D #569

  • Petranilla September 10, 2017, 8:43 pm

    I DIED!!!!!!!! I am writing from the afterlife. After every sentence and shouted “ROAST THAT WHITE BITCH LUVVIE!!!”

  • smorkingapple September 10, 2017, 9:54 pm

    Posted on VSB as well as it applies even more to this screed.

    “Always amazed stuff like this actually gets anything more than a yawn and a laugh from people. I tried to imagine, like he asked me to in the beginning, then realized there’s much more important shit to deal with in life than what the fuck Maria Sharapova thinks of Serena Williams and her thighs.

    Stop being triggered by caucasity, except when it actually impacts your fucking life. Otherwise toss it a $, say thanks for the laugh and keep it pushing. If you spent even 2 mins typing this shit, let alone thinking about it, I feel sorry for you.”

  • tammy September 11, 2017, 7:51 am

    Maria Sharaaaap -ova and ova again ’till infinity.

    Just shut it girl!

  • Michele September 11, 2017, 8:56 am

    I just hope Maria stays on the tour for at least another 16-18 years, so then Serena Jr. can mop the court with her too.

  • Kofi September 11, 2017, 10:16 am

    Maria is right. She is unstoppable. She cannot stop being whacked by Serena.

  • Nichole September 11, 2017, 11:25 am

    In my homage to Brother Katt (before he lost his shyt)… “Bish it’s called SELF ESTEEM!!! How do I fcuk up how YOU feel about YOU bish??”

  • Ragnar September 11, 2017, 11:29 am

    Let Maria be Maria, Serena speaks with her tittles… Don’t need to say anything. Regardless I like Maria a lot, I will always admire her as a fellow human being.

    • phillygirl September 12, 2017, 10:29 am

      How come we’re supposed to let Maria be Maria, but Serena should speak with her tittles (so we’re clear: is that titties or titles?) I mean shouldn’t you be telling Maria that since she’s the one speaking about Serena in her book? Couldn’t even write a book about her own self without trying to insult Serena? Yet you admire Maria. Sir, this isn’t the place for your comments.

  • me3 September 11, 2017, 11:35 am

    Seriously. It’s insulting to call it a rivalry when she’s only beat Serena like twice and SHE WAS USING PERFORMANCE ENHANCERS. How embarrassing???

    Had the tables been turned there’s no way they’d compare Serena to her. It’s a joke. And Maria has no excuses this time because Serena was busy giving birth to her already tennis pro babies.

  • Choc September 11, 2017, 3:17 pm

    Unstoppable?! Girl, Ancestry.com couldn’t even convince me that you’re not related to Ron Stoppable (of Kim Possible fame). Bitter Becky please!

  • Ngozi Enyia Ibe September 12, 2017, 8:55 am

    Here Luvvie!!! Just take the wig…take the damn edges…just take it all!!! *curls up in a wigless ball on the floor, screaming* 😂😂😂😂😂😂

  • Amy September 12, 2017, 10:10 am

    Maria needs to go buy herself a dictionary because she clearly has NO idea what “unstoppable” means.

  • Anthony Jones September 12, 2017, 12:41 pm

    I saw this Monday on another site….Kim cjiesters, who I called the white Serena Williams, literally the same body type and age and Justine Henin same age as Serena but 9 inches shorter and 40 lbs lighter have whipped her ass 7 straight times…what’s her excuses for them. Their bitterness goes off the court when Maria stole her boyfriend who she dumped after Serena announced her engagement , and called Serena a homewrecker. Maria is the Katy Perry of tennis, shady and not that talented.

  • Ash September 13, 2017, 1:15 am

    Well, dang. Let me buy you a new leash because I think you destroyed the one you had dog-walking Maria…Gotta be ready for the next Try-Hard! Ha!

  • Sy September 13, 2017, 8:59 am

    Marie is the finest example of a human being anybody could ever ask for at the top it off a gorgeous-looking human being. Any of you losers would be afraid of Serena 2!

  • MMC September 13, 2017, 3:37 pm

    Thank you for this.

  • Txbirdy September 13, 2017, 9:51 pm

    Not Lake Bittertonka!

  • Pranesh Rambaran September 14, 2017, 1:25 pm

    This post is full of racist drivel. Pity this rubbish is allowed freely on the internet and doesn’t elicit a storm of righteous condemnation as would a racist rant from a white person. And, no I’m not a fan of Maria, she’s a shallow underachiever, vs Serena, perhaps the greatest tennis player of all time. Paranoid individuals like yourself can find racism in thin air. It’s a pity people like yourself are allowed an internet fan base.

  • Dee September 17, 2017, 5:39 am

    Pranesh, there is nothing paranoid about our girl; I love what Luvvie had to say and the way that she said it, as do more than a few of us, here.

    We as Black women know a hell of a lot from history and our present day experiences about “racist drivel” – and worse …and what Luvvie just delighted me with ain’t it…..

  • Mike' September 19, 2017, 8:31 am

    Drop the Mike! You put foot to ass so eloquently! Thank you you have rejuvenated me with this piece.

MENU