Culture

God is Probably Sick of All these “Thoughts and Prayers”

*another mass shooting happens in the United States*

People: We are sending up prayers for the victims.

God: ….

Archangel St. Michael: Hey God. People are on the mainline.

God: *files nails* Oh yeah? I’m busy.

filing nails cat GIF

St. Mike: You… don’t seem that busy.

God: *booming voice* I SAID I AM BUSY.

St. Mike:

God: Ok WHAT. WHAT? Lemme guess. They’re praying after another shooting.

St. Mike: Yeah.

God:

St. Mike: So…

God: Wait. Lemme finish this one nail. I wanna make sure the shape matches the rest.

*5 minutes later*

God: I love my children BUT THEY ARE GETTING ON MY LAST NERVES. Ok. So what do they want me to do?

St. Mike: I’m not sure. Ummm… something about peace.

God: *deep sigh* *rubs temples*

St. Mike: I know, I know.

God: I have TRIED. I have done things. And given them rainbows. BUT THIS FREE WILL. Why did I let them run amok? Why, me???

whyyyyy

St. Mike: Because part of giving grace is letting them have some control over what happens down there.

God: Yes. And then they have it and they mess up everything. And then they want me to play Captain Save-A-World after the fact. I can’t just be coming up behind them with a broom every time. CLEAN UP ON AISLE EARTH. Who has time??

St. Mike: I know.

God: *sighs* It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I didn’t want them to be able to destroy each other so easily. They weren’t. Those guns. I knew Lucifer was up to no good with them. But people. PEOPLE took them to the next level.

St. Mike: I know.

God: I just wanna dropkick the whole planet and shake them off.

St. Mike: Well, let’s not do that just yet. Last time you did that, it took me years to mop up that flood.

God: Can I at least shake it a little bit?

St. Mike: I wouldn’t…

God: Sorry. I just did.

St. Mike: Did… you just cause an earthquake in Japan?

God: Look. I’m angry.

Jesus Flips Table gif

St. Mike: You should be.

God: I just… want them to do better. I’ve given them the world. Literally. And it’s still not enough.

St. Mike: Right.

God: This gun thing. THEY CAN FIX IT THEMSELVES. Stubborn goats. They have laws. They should use restraint. I told them “faith without works is dead.”

St. Mike: You sure did. I remember. You dropped those bars.

God: A hot holy 16! So why are they looking to ME to do it? Why aren’t they doing the work? They are at war with each other, using weapons of war. What am I supposed to do? I said I wasn’t gonna micromanage them.

St. Mike: Correct.

God: These thoughts and prayers. WHAT DO THEY WANT?

St. Mike: I don’t know. Some of the ones praying to you are sick of their fellow humans not wanting to fix it.

God: Yeah, I get that. I want to give THOSE ones peace. I feel their pain. I weep for them. But the fools using the guns recklessly? Well, I don’t talk to Satan but feel free to pass on the message that he can have them.

St. Mike: Ugh. I hate talking to his assistant. He’s just so… evil.

God: But Good trumps all. Wait… Trump. UGHHHHH. Talk about a mistake, if I ever made one. Wasn’t that the day I rushed through things? Yeah…

St. Mike: I think you’ve earned some more rest.

God: It’s not the Sabbath, doe.

St. Mike: It’s cool. You deserve a nap.

God: I guess. *gets up and leaves room*

*comes back*

God: AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES ME MAD? That they use my name to excuse their foolishness.

St. Mike: Yeah, I can imagine how frustrating that is.

God: Ok I’ll go now.

St. Mike: Rest well.

*God leaves the room*

3 minutes later…

*God walks back in*

St. Mike: What now?

God: I just wanna yell “I DID NOT SAY THAT” so they can all hear it. Why are they always quoting me when they do something hateful? I am not their crutch! AND I AM CHANGING MY NUMBER.

St. Mike: You can’t… you can’t change your number. You’re tired. I’m making you some chamomile tea.

God: It’s fine. I just wanted to say that. I’ll go for real now. First, I’ll go tickle some babies. Their laughs keep me whole.

*leaves room*

*5 minutes later*

*Jesus walks in*

Jesus: Where’s Dad?

St. Mike: Hopefully taking a nap.

Jesus: Rough day, huh? How rough? Do I need to go down there again and lay my life down?

St. Mike: It’s not that bad. Yet. He did mumble something about you needing to take the wheel.

JEsusTakeTheWheel

Jesus: Dad knows I try. *weeps*


My heart, my love AND MY WISH for policy change goes out to the folks of Vegas.

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7 Comments

  1. Nylse
    October 2, 2017 at 7:45 pm — Reply

    This is good! Some will say sacrilege but not me.
    I think the point is more than thoughts and prayers are needed. We have it in our power to make changes but we won’t. GOD HELP US ALL.

  2. Derc Montgomery
    October 2, 2017 at 9:14 pm — Reply

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  3. October 3, 2017 at 2:46 am — Reply

    THIS IS EVERYTHING.

  4. Mistie
    October 3, 2017 at 3:16 pm — Reply

    I would love to use this as a skit with my youth group

  5. notconvincedgranny
    October 3, 2017 at 5:00 pm — Reply

    Last time I looked, when someone commands you to do something and give them the credit and the cash, that person is called a pimp. So ignorant humans call themselves pimping God out to do their bidding and give them the increase. Do you not see how that’s working out?

    But this is America, heavy on symbolism, light on action. Time to get off our knees praying and get on our feet and work. Oh, wait, the jackass in chief says now isn’t the time for that. H.L. Mencken said “On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

  6. Rosie
    October 3, 2017 at 5:22 pm — Reply

    This, this made my day. So fecking sick of thoughts and prayers. Do better America. Specifically Congress. But they won’t because too many are beholden to the NRA. And like many have said, if they didn’t do anything about gun regulation after Sandy Hook they’re not going to do anything now. Look at all those fools on the news talking ’bout now is not the time to talk about gun control. I swear my face is set to WTF at this point.

    *Gets rage headache. Scrolls back up to read post again. Feels better.

  7. October 3, 2017 at 10:15 pm — Reply

    But your creativity in writing! I just loved this so much. America, you have a serious gun problem. But I will still pray that it is fixed. Lots of love and prayers from Kenya. XXX

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