God is Probably Sick of All these “Thoughts and Prayers”
*another mass shooting happens in the United States*
People: We are sending up prayers for the victims.
Archangel St. Michael: Hey God. People are on the mainline.
God: *files nails* Oh yeah? I’m busy.
St. Mike: You… don’t seem that busy.
God: *booming voice* I SAID I AM BUSY.
St. Mike: …
God: Ok WHAT. WHAT? Lemme guess. They’re praying after another shooting.
St. Mike: Yeah.
St. Mike: So…
God: Wait. Lemme finish this one nail. I wanna make sure the shape matches the rest.
*5 minutes later*
God: I love my children BUT THEY ARE GETTING ON MY LAST NERVES. Ok. So what do they want me to do?
St. Mike: I’m not sure. Ummm… something about peace.
God: *deep sigh* *rubs temples*
St. Mike: I know, I know.
God: I have TRIED. I have done things. And given them rainbows. BUT THIS FREE WILL. Why did I let them run amok? Why, me???
St. Mike: Because part of giving grace is letting them have some control over what happens down there.
God: Yes. And then they have it and they mess up everything. And then they want me to play Captain Save-A-World after the fact. I can’t just be coming up behind them with a broom every time. CLEAN UP ON AISLE EARTH. Who has time??
St. Mike: I know.
God: *sighs* It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I didn’t want them to be able to destroy each other so easily. They weren’t. Those guns. I knew Lucifer was up to no good with them. But people. PEOPLE took them to the next level.
St. Mike: I know.
God: I just wanna dropkick the whole planet and shake them off.
St. Mike: Well, let’s not do that just yet. Last time you did that, it took me years to mop up that flood.
God: Can I at least shake it a little bit?
St. Mike: I wouldn’t…
God: Sorry. I just did.
St. Mike: Did… you just cause an earthquake in Japan?
God: Look. I’m angry.
St. Mike: You should be.
God: I just… want them to do better. I’ve given them the world. Literally. And it’s still not enough.
St. Mike: Right.
God: This gun thing. THEY CAN FIX IT THEMSELVES. Stubborn goats. They have laws. They should use restraint. I told them “faith without works is dead.”
St. Mike: You sure did. I remember. You dropped those bars.
God: A hot holy 16! So why are they looking to ME to do it? Why aren’t they doing the work? They are at war with each other, using weapons of war. What am I supposed to do? I said I wasn’t gonna micromanage them.
St. Mike: Correct.
God: These thoughts and prayers. WHAT DO THEY WANT?
St. Mike: I don’t know. Some of the ones praying to you are sick of their fellow humans not wanting to fix it.
God: Yeah, I get that. I want to give THOSE ones peace. I feel their pain. I weep for them. But the fools using the guns recklessly? Well, I don’t talk to Satan but feel free to pass on the message that he can have them.
St. Mike: Ugh. I hate talking to his assistant. He’s just so… evil.
God: But Good trumps all. Wait… Trump. UGHHHHH. Talk about a mistake, if I ever made one. Wasn’t that the day I rushed through things? Yeah…
St. Mike: I think you’ve earned some more rest.
God: It’s not the Sabbath, doe.
St. Mike: It’s cool. You deserve a nap.
God: I guess. *gets up and leaves room*
God: AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES ME MAD? That they use my name to excuse their foolishness.
St. Mike: Yeah, I can imagine how frustrating that is.
God: Ok I’ll go now.
St. Mike: Rest well.
*God leaves the room*
3 minutes later…
*God walks back in*
St. Mike: What now?
God: I just wanna yell “I DID NOT SAY THAT” so they can all hear it. Why are they always quoting me when they do something hateful? I am not their crutch! AND I AM CHANGING MY NUMBER.
St. Mike: You can’t… you can’t change your number. You’re tired. I’m making you some chamomile tea.
God: It’s fine. I just wanted to say that. I’ll go for real now. First, I’ll go tickle some babies. Their laughs keep me whole.
*5 minutes later*
*Jesus walks in*
Jesus: Where’s Dad?
St. Mike: Hopefully taking a nap.
Jesus: Rough day, huh? How rough? Do I need to go down there again and lay my life down?
St. Mike: It’s not that bad. Yet. He did mumble something about you needing to take the wheel.
Jesus: Dad knows I try. *weeps*
My heart, my love AND MY WISH for policy change goes out to the folks of Vegas.