Blake Shelton is People’s Sexiest Man Alive Because Everything is Stupid

To be honest, I don’t pay much attention to People Magazine, nor do I take their shenanigans as truth (except for that one time when they featured my book. That was totally legit). So their annual “Sexiest Man Alive” and “Most Beautiful People” list is usually laughable because it’s hella milquetoast. But I wanna make fun of something and they are today’s target.

They picked Blake Shelton as their Sexiest Man Alive.

BISH WHERE

You might be all “who is that?” Correct. That is the right answer. I had to Google him cuz I surely didn’t know. All I noticed was I saw a dudebro with the most generic face called “Sexiest man alive” and I wondered if there was nobody else alive. There’s a white person reading this right now who is appalled because I don’t know who Blake shelton is. WELL I AM APPALLED YOU DON’T KNOW FRANKIE BEVERLY AND MAZE SO CONSIDER US EVEN, K???

I literally cannot describe Blake Shelton because he has the sort of face that is a copy and paste job. Like, on the day God was putting him together, God was all “Oh wow. It’s the Sabbath already. I should be resting.” And then He copied the face of like 500 other people he had made and VOILA! Blake’s face happened. This is not to say the man is ugly. Actually, he is attractive in that “I’ve seen this face 1,000 times before” non-descript way. No offense (which means I mean ALL the offense) but he got template attractive face but everything about his features is basic. To describe him is to use words like: general. And common.

So much caucasery went into this pick. SO. MUCH.

THAT dude is the sexiest man alive? If I tried to point him out in a room, I’d just go: he’s white with brown hair and he has ears and he’s not ugly. Nothing about him stands out. All his features are trying so hard to play nice with each other that none of them raised their hands when asked.

Anywho, so I Googled to find out who he is and apparently he is a singer who is a judge on The Voice and he is married to Gwen Stefani. Honestly, the tidbit about him being married to Gwen was the most interesting thing about him. That’s the only time my eyebrows jumped up in curiosity. But then I quickly got bored of that fact too.

And then I did more digging and saw that Twitter was dragging him. Why? Because he’s a homophobe and just overall racist douchebag.

Blake Shelton douche

Trash people say trash things and are then considered sexiest men alive. I know Blake owns so many pairs of cargo pants that unzip at the knees to become cargo shorts. I JUST KNOW IT.

All I do know is that EVERYTHING is stupid. Everything. Nothing makes sense anymore in this world where a walking trash bag runs our country. So of course it makes sense that a man I can’t even pick out of a “Pick out Blake” lineup even though he’s rocking a tshirt that says “I am Blake” becomes sexiest man alive. This is a world where Idris Elba lives and breathes. Where The Rock flexes his muscles and panties fall off. Where Jason Momoa walks around looking like what it looks like when God TAKES HIS TIME on a being. None of those people should exist in a world where Blake Shelton is considered the sexiest. It must be opposite day YEAR. It’s the same world where Steve Bannon looks like he’s rotting from the inside out, yet considers himself to be part of a master race. Topsy turvy AF.

I’m lowkey offended for actual sexy white guys. Because this is an insult to them too.

People Magazine, go home. You’re drunk.

Update: do yourself a favor and go read the comments on my FB page about this. Somebody said ‘He looks like he says “Aww shucks” right before he climaxes.’ I am inconsolable. 😭😭😭 READ HERE AND GET YOUR LIFE.


Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Elizabeth Mahon November 15, 2017, 2:34 pm

    He’s not actually married to Gwen Stefani. They’ve just been dating since she divorced Gavin Rossdale who must be rolling his eyes that his ex-wife’s boyfriend is the sexiest man alive. Hell Gavin Rossdale is twenty times sexier than Blake Shelton.

    • Sharon November 15, 2017, 2:46 pm

      Preach, Elizabeth!!

      • Monica December 6, 2017, 12:18 pm

        There was an old 80s commercial that stated you needed three bowls of Corn Flakes to equal one bowl of Total. Not even three Blake Sheltons could equal one Gavin Rossdale.

    • Alaia November 15, 2017, 10:07 pm

      Gavin Rossdale is way hotter

    • Sarah Quinn November 16, 2017, 7:11 am

      Yeah, Gavin is so sexy… that’s why he cheated on her with two nannies and friend of his in the whole span of their marriage.

      Sexy is lost when you’re a loser which I feel this article showed about Mr. BS. People just shouldn’t tweet if they want to keep any dignity about themselves.

      • Isaiah November 16, 2017, 12:19 pm

        Blake also cheated on his first wife with Miranda Lambert.

        • Lizz November 16, 2017, 7:38 pm

          Miranda was his second wife …

        • Sarah November 17, 2017, 5:28 am

          I’m by no means a BS fan, but I just really lack any kind or good hearted emotion toward Rossdale. I used to think he was really cool, but then when he was living off of her and not making an effort with his own musical career and then cheating multiple times while they were having children. It just turned me away. So whether he’s attractive or not, he’s ugly in my eyes.

    • notconvincedgranny November 16, 2017, 2:10 pm

      But she did defend him saying “all this took place a long time ago.” She is officially uninvited to Blaxit and she can stay here and keep choking Blake’s unseasoned chicken.

    • Absurdist1968 November 16, 2017, 7:47 pm

      I’m not sure Blake’s divorce is final yet, either.

    • Kirstin November 16, 2017, 8:30 pm

      Awesomelyluvvie, I’ve never read you before but I would like to again. You are hilarious! I might just have to buy your book.

    • OMGF November 17, 2017, 1:03 am

      I was so in love with Gavin when I was 16. I was convinced the song Glycerine was about me.

    • Autumn November 17, 2017, 1:28 am

      Gavin was a hottie, I don’t know if I like him as a person but still far better then Blake

  • Erika November 15, 2017, 2:36 pm

    People magazine is tired. Take a nap.

  • Kara November 15, 2017, 2:45 pm

    I bet you all the men at the last bodybuilding competition I went to were a milli more times sexier than Blake. Individually! Not collectively.

  • Maise November 15, 2017, 2:52 pm

    (quiet voice) I know who Blake is and I also own FB and Maze cds (/quiet voice)

    • Angie November 15, 2017, 3:07 pm

      You don’t have to use a quiet voice, hon. Plenty if black people know who Blake Shelton is and it’s Maze ft. Frankie Beverly.

    • Tricia November 16, 2017, 8:58 am

      You dont have to always look sexy to be sexy…this man works hard for a living and if i saw him in a room …not noing who he was i would surely ask him out..so why doesnt he deserve to be the sexiest man of the year…because in my eyes he is inside. And out..can u say that about yourself…leave him have his moment….so many jealous people out there…he is sexy in his own way..to tell u the truth do u think your opionion matters anyway….

      • NDg November 16, 2017, 10:30 am

        Tricia, I guess you missed the whole homophobic racist part. Those things are not okay and make a person very unsexy no matter how hard working or generically attractive they are. That’s not jealousy, it’s knowing right from wrong. And yeah, my opinion does matter.

        • Autumn November 17, 2017, 1:34 am

          Keep going, I love this crap, considering the only other new is Trump related (now that’s just scary!)

      • Johnson L Chandler November 17, 2017, 8:23 pm

        I concur, Tricia. Sexy is in the eyes of the beholder, and People Magazine chooses and votes on whomever they want based on various things other than looks. I agree, Let Blake be great and have his shine.

        I’m an African-American and country music is my favorite genre. I have never seen or have any desire to see Frankie Beverly, but he is an attractive man as well.

  • Whitney November 15, 2017, 2:55 pm

    I’ve read elsewhere that the “winner” of this “honor” has to approve being selected first and apparently other men have turned People Magazine down before. Blake must have been the first one to return People’s phone call.

    None of which excuses this choice, obviously. I think they need to alter their title slightly for accuracy: “Blake Shelton – (our 47th choice for) Sexiest Man Alive!”

    • Alaia November 15, 2017, 10:09 pm

      I’d love to know who has turned it down in the past.

      • Karen November 15, 2017, 10:16 pm

        Ryan Gosling

        • notconvincedgranny November 16, 2017, 2:14 pm

          Dude ain’t even today’s lollipop flavor. Looks like he doesn’t bathe. But as one person stated, even though People failed to acknowledge the obvious, Idris Elba still gets to be Idris Elba.

        • Little Darling November 16, 2017, 3:52 pm

          Idris wins, all day every day. Regarding the flavors, he’s a stale old doctors lollypop. Trying to blue raspberry when he’s really the question mark.

        • OMGF November 17, 2017, 1:17 am

          I love me some Ryan Gossling. RG slander is not tolerated.

      • C.V. November 16, 2017, 8:21 am

        I was 46th and I did not return my phone call.

  • Lorrie November 15, 2017, 3:06 pm

    I can name on both hands people sexier than Blake Shelton who aren’t trash people. People has to have been drunk that day.

    • Amber November 16, 2017, 6:20 pm

      Agreed!

  • mskat November 15, 2017, 3:07 pm

    But can I just say, who ever this man’s publicist is? Most effective person EVER. Because there is no reason for this dude to get anything, and here we are. Go, publicist, for the coup of the year.

    • AJ November 15, 2017, 10:39 pm

      He doesn’t have one. I looked into it. Crazy, right?

  • E.J. November 15, 2017, 3:22 pm

    They’ve never heard of Anthony Joshua no??
    #retardation
    #truefoolishment

  • Tina Martin November 15, 2017, 3:54 pm

    One reaction. Barf! So many men out there who look better inside and out. So much to pick from. Can we hit reset?

  • Tammy November 15, 2017, 4:15 pm

    You’re going to have to give me a heads up when you mention Idris Elba, The Rock, and Jason Momoa in the same paragraph. Sweet Lord Baby Jesus. I got palpitations, panties falling off, knees going weak. Almost fell out of my chair.

    • Bib and Red Lipstick November 15, 2017, 5:01 pm

      Tammy, you and me both.

    • Lisa November 15, 2017, 6:35 pm

      Amen, Tammy!

    • Tammie November 16, 2017, 11:08 am

      And say ALL us Tammie’s!!

      • QueenAisha November 20, 2017, 9:31 am

        This comment cracked me up! I am crying at my desk. Bless you for making my day, Tammie, bless you.

    • Jessie November 19, 2017, 12:25 pm

      So say we all *swoon*

  • Anita November 15, 2017, 4:17 pm

    This got me wondering about my sins because I saw this “Sexiest man alive” and wondered if the rapture happened and it was just me, the Trump Administration, and Blake Shelton left here.

    Looked up BS’ tweet; it seems like he scrubbed it. Glad you have the screenshot.

    • Elle November 16, 2017, 9:38 am

      I’m with you, Anita. For me that was the only logical explanation. Or that everybody else died.

    • Karen November 17, 2017, 10:47 am

      We are in the darkest timeline.

      • Yolanda November 17, 2017, 12:56 pm

        Love the Community reference and so true for this day and age!

      • QueenAisha November 20, 2017, 9:33 am

        This thread has me giggling! You went full Community and now I love you.

  • Maggie November 15, 2017, 4:29 pm

    I mean, if the local PTA had a “sexiest dad in the school district” award, sure, some dude who looks like Shelton would win. And that would be fair.

    but in the world? No. Literally my first reaction was “did Idris Elba die? How did nobody TELL ME Idris Elba died!” because….what.

    • Dee November 15, 2017, 9:00 pm

      Maggie said it best!

    • JenniO November 17, 2017, 11:33 am

      As a school board member, I have seen a lot of parents in my district and I can think of about a hundred who would be WAY ahead of Blake Shelton. I seriously can’t think of a single school in my area, where he could even come in second.

  • Kerri S. November 15, 2017, 5:14 pm

    Oh my god…Luvvie, you’re a treasure. I laughed so hard at the Skeletor meme that nothing but a little wheezy squeak was coming out.

    When my friend IMed me about this today, I also had to google Blake to be sure which country dudebro he was, and my reaction was also…”What about Idris? The Rock? Jason Momoa?” Though, full disclosure, my list of sexier people also included several other members of the Game of Thrones cast, Lenny Kravitz, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Mike Colter and countless other people.

  • ThatGirl November 15, 2017, 5:23 pm

    He’s from Oklahoma and when my in-laws house burned to the ground and they had no insurance he saw it on the news and fronted the money to have their house rebuilt. When we met him he was so nice and so humble. That said, he’s not the sexiest man alive lol.

  • AJ November 15, 2017, 5:38 pm

    I cannot with the Aw shucks before climax. My only reason for knowing who he is because I use to watch The Voice before it became mind-numbing. When he and Gwen became an item I thought damn, for her and why? Yes, there are real sexy men out there still waiting to make that list.

  • Lati Lee November 15, 2017, 6:00 pm

    ummm People magazine…….Idris Elba, Jason Mamoa, White Walkers, the dragons from Game of Thrones, Rick and Morty…I mean Damn!!

    • Denise November 15, 2017, 6:17 pm

      🤣🤣🤣 I’m Weak!!

    • Rini November 15, 2017, 8:34 pm

      “White Walkers, the dragons from Game of Thrones, Rick and Morty…I mean Damn!!”

      😂😂😂

      I died laughing and was revived so I could laugh some more.

    • Joyful1 November 15, 2017, 9:20 pm

      Rick AND Morty!!!!!!😂😂😂😘😂

    • Dafrastar November 16, 2017, 12:12 am

      NOT VISERION THOUGH 😂😂😂😂

  • Milaxx November 15, 2017, 6:59 pm

    Mind you,these are the same folks who gave Julia Robert Most Beautiful Woman Alive earlier this year. That’s right, not 1990 Julia in her prime, but 2017. In a world where Lupita, Zendaya, Beyonce and a zillion others at the top of their game exist.

    Go home, People magazine, you’re drunk.

  • Deb November 15, 2017, 7:13 pm

    Why Why Why do people have to add to the problem we’re having in the US today, but slamming people. Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. Yes, he’s a cutey to me, but “sexiest man alive” goes beyond looks. Noone “knows” anyone fully, but if you know Blake even a little and his sense of humor, most of the argument against him is without merit, therefore “stupid”. You look at one photo and do “research” really? Ok. Let’s save our slams for those who deserve it.

    • Sara November 16, 2017, 7:05 am

      Research included his homophobic, Islamophobic, racist tweets. No need to go further. Automatically falls several notches down the ladder. Yeah, he does a bunch of good guy stuff and has dimples, but he’s also a bigot. Not sexy.

      • Barbie Fauria November 16, 2017, 10:48 am

        Agree, Sara

  • Stacey November 15, 2017, 7:14 pm

    He beat Kit Harington, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, George Clooney, AND Jake Gyllenhaal??? Who answered this poll???

  • Vi November 15, 2017, 7:56 pm

    Blake Shelton or a plain Cheese cake … I’ll for the cake

  • Kelly November 15, 2017, 8:01 pm

    He is awesome…looks wise, no, he isn’t the sexiest man alive, his personality is what makes him sexy! And what hole do you live in to not know who he is? The world would be a much better place with more people like him in it, THAT in itself makes him sexy!

    • Heather November 16, 2017, 6:33 am

      Did you even read his tweets? He’s not awesome, he’s a bigoted redneck.

  • Nene November 15, 2017, 8:06 pm

    This is obviously a prank..that is not to fair to Blake. People are laughing everywhere!!!

  • Mary Miller November 15, 2017, 8:32 pm

    People got it right with naming Blake Shelton SMA. He is incredibly sexy in a very real, honest way. Teen’s a lucky girl.

  • Mary November 15, 2017, 8:33 pm

    People got it right with naming Blake Shelton SMA. He is incredibly sexy in a very real, honest way. Gwen’s a very lucky girl.

  • Jadon November 15, 2017, 8:39 pm

    Do people even care about these lists anymore? Until they start having more POC for me its just a big yawn and eye roll. I wanna see something different. People mag is just reaching until their old bag of familiarity. Also I’m black and know who both Blake and Maze ft. Francie Beverly is. He seems like a nice guy but again it’s the same old same old. Also that first tweet wasn’t outright homophobic. You can’t deny a gay guy might order a drink like that as much as anyone else would. It’s like people throwing around a serious word like “racist” over something that is simply insensitive or something not really thought out before being said/tweeted. It’s not like everyone is on SJW mode 24/7 and never says something dumb or wrong. Geez people are so sensitive these days. That second tweet was just plain wrong and offensive but again I wouldn’t pin him as a racist knowing some of the things he’s done and not judging on a 6 yo tweet alone.

  • Karen November 15, 2017, 9:20 pm

    Idris Elba should definitely be on that cover!

    • Judy November 16, 2017, 5:29 pm

      in so many ways.. YES!!!!

  • Angel from hell November 15, 2017, 9:48 pm

    Lets see he cheated on wife and once a cheater always a cheater then he goes with Gwen don’t know why people think she great she a homewrecker. People stopped watching voice when they became a couple. Soap operas are on daytime tv but like everyone says why sexiest? What Gwen gets next one? People pleeease!

    • okiloki November 16, 2017, 2:45 am

      Actually, Miranda cheated on him with two different men. That’s why he evicted her from the building she was using for her overpriced cowgirl clothing. This is common knowledge to those of us who were their neighbors. It wouldn’t matter who was named sexiest, someone would be griping because their ‘ideal’ man wasn’t. Fact, it happens every year. As for making up stories to discredit him, well, that’s just childish and shows a lack in character.

  • Pat November 15, 2017, 10:32 pm

    Know who Blake is, and have since his first hilarious country song. Love him. But sexiest man (on any planet)? No. I thought it was a joke – a publicity stunt for The Voice.

    But you are right. Everything is stupid. Let’s stop paying attention and go see “Molly’s Game” – just saw the trailer and it looks all IDRIS to me.

  • Tracey November 15, 2017, 10:46 pm

    I laughed so hard when I saw this cover and then I just said “nope” and moved on with my day. From watching The Voice that one season, Blake seems like a cool guy in a drunkle kinda way, but sexy he is not. That Adam Levine tho… *heart eyes emoji* now dassa sexy man.

  • Barbie Fauria November 15, 2017, 11:06 pm

    Idris Elba=sunshine. Blake Shelton =rain.

  • Bridgit Dobbs November 15, 2017, 11:15 pm

    Man I just love Blake Shelton no other man is more deserving than him, alot of people are mad and pissed because he is voted sexiest guy alive but yeah they’re right , he is simple and a down to earth country boy which are definitely the best and only kind, and the last of the dying breed and they don’t make em like this anymore honey, and I’d vote for him again and again, Gwen he is surely a keeper and don’t let him go gurl!!

  • Kimberly November 16, 2017, 5:03 am

    Blake Shelton sexiest man alive? White mediocrity at its best.

  • Janet November 16, 2017, 6:39 am

    It’s not the whole world, it’s just America! So I vote Idris Elba as sexiest man in the universe!

    • Barbie Fauria November 16, 2017, 10:38 am

      Yes!

  • Emily November 16, 2017, 6:41 am

    I think Blake Shelton is super sexy, but that’s because my 10-year-old and I watch The Voice and have gotten to know him over the years. He’s the smartest person on the show, by a lot, soulful and daddy-like, super tall, sort of reserved/laid back and discerning, and has a great way of talking. (But yeah, if I hadn’t watched hours and hours of that show, I would feel the same way you do, I think. Also, I’m just ready for the White death grip to end.) But Blake is hot.

  • Ian Osmond November 16, 2017, 9:30 am

    Judging from the photo above, this Blake fellow is the reference photo for what a “5” looks like. I’m a middle-aged bald grey-bearded guy, and I’d be willing to put myself up as about even with him.

  • Tyra November 16, 2017, 9:37 am

    Have they never seen Jason Momoa or Idris Elba?

  • DiDi Venture November 16, 2017, 9:40 am

    Never heard of that Blake dude before yesterday, but I don’t get it. Like, maybe he would be considered the hottest guy at a parent teacher conference night in Wabash, Indiana where all the bored, stay-at-home forty something moms had too much boxed wine to drink??? But does he belong in the big leagues? Erg, no. Nothin’ wrong with chipmunk cheeks, and a little bit of dad bod going on, but my own husband is hotter than this utterly forgettable man.

  • Michele November 16, 2017, 10:43 am

    Somebody on another blog said considering that 2017 has been such a dumpster fire, that Blake Shelton is totally the “Sexiest Man Alive” it deserves.

    I can’t argue with that. Idris, Jason, et. al. don’t deserve to be saddled with the baggage of being the Sexiest Man Alive for one of the shittiest years on record. Let Mayo Nation have this one.

    • Andrea Plaid November 17, 2017, 8:28 am

      “Let Mayo Nation have this one.”

      I was also thinking Blake Shelton is the perfect SMA for a Trump presidency.

  • livvy19 November 16, 2017, 10:52 am

    This white girl had to google him too. Your description is perfect.

  • Lee Evans November 16, 2017, 11:52 am

    Tell me, what are the qualifiers for being a sexy man or sexy woman. Well, I know that big breasts on a woman between 18 and 21 who weighs less that 80 pounds and is 5’10” tall qualifies a woman to be considered sexy but a man? Do they measure body parts, hair length, whether or not he wears a Confederate Flag to bed? Does sexy mean that he does not have to have a brain that is fully functional? That he can stand up straight with pelvis thrust forward and not topple over in a 45 mph windstorm? That he can speak a qualifying language and be intelligible even while chewing a mouth full of bubble gum? What exactly are the boxes that need checking to qualify for that Sexiest Man Alive title and do you have a Sexiest Man Dead category. I have a few entries I can send you.

  • Suzy Soro November 16, 2017, 12:07 pm

    KIDS! Roll back the outrage. This was all PR because HE HAS A NEW ALBUM OUT AND IT’S NUMBER ONE on country music charts. I canNOT believe anyone who has seen the Kardashian Machine or any other Hollywood Machine believes People covers are genuine. It’s like the stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, those you have to pay for so get ready for Shelton to get one. I’m sure he has the 30K and the “mayor” of Hollywood will ok it.

  • Chris Oakley November 16, 2017, 2:36 pm

    People Magazine didn’t just drop the ball on this one, they forgot to even read the playbook. Number One album or not, I can’t imagine any woman with a fully functioning cerebral cortex finding this walking train wreck attractive. If they were going to pick a country music guy, why not Keith Urban?

  • Scott November 16, 2017, 5:09 pm

    Awesomely Luvvie, I think I just fell in love with you. This shit was awesome.

  • Melissa November 16, 2017, 6:36 pm

    Uhm, if they HAD to pick a sexy Pilgrim male, Chris Hemsworth IS upright and breathing. Just saying……

  • KDPyeahyouknowme November 17, 2017, 8:38 am

    You are my new favorite person

  • Ginny November 17, 2017, 10:37 am

    I swear this actually happened, but last night I paused my DVR for a hot minute and it did that thing where it puts a screen saver on and flashes little news tidbits. And “People magazine names Blake Shelton Sexiest Man Alive!” was directly followed by “Trump rolls back legislation that prohibited hunters to bring elephant parts into the U.S.”. REALLY.

  • Candace November 17, 2017, 11:16 am

    He reminds me of a cruller with eyes.
    It’s like he thought Elmer’s Glue was face lotion and then face planted into the kitty litter.

  • Khira November 17, 2017, 10:35 pm

    Omg my comment made the article! Mama I made it!
    *ahem*
    First and foremost I’d like to thank God for making me quick witted. I’d also like to thank all the basic bitches who think Blake is sexier than…. Anyone.

    • Txbirdy November 20, 2017, 9:36 am

      Like

  • Melissa November 28, 2017, 12:21 am

    I got bored and clicked on an article that showed People magazine’s sexiest man of the year from 1990-2017.

    There were 2 men in 27 years that weren’t white.

    Two. 2. Slightly more than one and a hair less than three. I’m honestly shocked. I don’t have anything clever or funny to say because I’m really just sad about it.

  • Michael Rochelle December 3, 2017, 6:08 pm

    I am here dying over the line, “All his features are trying so hard to play nice with each other that none of them raised their hands when asked.” I saw him win and went…hmmmm. But we all know that most people who win clearly can’t be the sexiest man or woman “alive.” First of all, People never met Kathy in payroll or Joe-Joe down the block. It’s a popularity contest and Blake is the it man because people have interest in his relationship with Gwen, his role on The Voice, and his bromance or whatever with Adam Levine. I’ll let him have his moment for now, but next year it better be me! LOL. Just kidding.

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